Not too happy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Not too happy
19
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 9:09pm
I've had a bad day. I'm going to share it.

I feel as if my life is slowly falling apart. Everything is slowly cracking up. The things that once gave me strength seem to be fading.

School- Once school gave me hope of getting a better education. Now I find myself lacking just 4 classes to graduate. Yet, not knowing when those 4 classes will be offered. Leaving me in no man's land. Wandering...

Job- Well, today at work, I had it out with the boss. I'm probably in trouble now. Anyway, my boss doesn't have a degree. I'm in school as I mentioned earlier. I get this feeling by his actions and words that sometimes he is intimated by me taking classes. Today, I had to help set up for a stupid show. I hate them! Anyway, he quickly pulls out some cable and says crimp it. Well, I've never crimped cable. So, I asked him to please show me. Well, he doesn't show me the entire process. So, not knowing, I do exactly as I'm shown. When I'm finished, I ask him if I did it right and he begins laughing. He says that I really screwed up and tells me I'll have to start over again. I asked him what I did wrong and he mentions something that he didn't even show me. I ask him why he didn't show me the entire process and he doesn't answer. I lost my temper and walked up to him and said that if he couldn't show me how to do it properly I was returning back to the plant to do my usual job. He said, "Go back then!" And, I did.

I could type more, but I think you get the jist. I'm so tired of everything. This guy who is my boss is suppose to be my friend as well. But, lately he hasn't acted much like a friend.

I don't want to bring anyone down here, but I'm tired of my life. The thing is, I'm all out of suggestions as to what I should do to make it better. That scares me. But what is also difficult is finding true friends in life. You have so many people who want to lie and manipulate you. Where are the real friends out there? Where are the people who really care? Where are the people who will be straight up with you? Where are the people who are happy when you are happy and sad when you are sad? And, where are the people who rejoice when you are successful?

I know why people drink now. Or, do drugs too. I'm so miserable, yet I'm so afraid at the same time. I feel as if I don't know which direction is up anymore. I feel as if I cannot depend on logic because nothing happens they way you plan it. If I feel asleep tonight and didn't wake up, I don't think I would be too sad about that either. (I'm not suicidial BTW)

For once in my life, I would like for someone to accept me for who I am. Not for what they want me to be. I want them to except my low income, my lack of education, my short height, my economy car, and my small apartment. I want them to like ME.

Since I've been single and living in the closet, I've felt like an outsider. I go to the gay church and it is all couples. I feel like an outsider. I go to family get-togethers at Thanksgiving/Christmas. I feel like an outsider. I'm tired of being an outsider.

I'm just so tired of my life.

You know, a while ago, I saw the weekly meeting schedule in the paper. One community meeting was named, "Healing Homosexuality." It meets every Monday. I'm scared of stuff like that. I have held the belief that it cannot be healed. But, here lately, I feel like I need somebody's help.

You know, if I were to talk with a psychic tonight and she/he were to say, "rj, I'm sorry, but I see no romantic love in your lifetime, but I do see an abundance of honest friends." I would be fine with that. I could handle that. What I cannot deal with much longer is this caged life I'm leading. This hide who you are. Fear being who you are. Being rejected of friendship by someone because they find out you are gay. Or, a lesbian couple will not hang out with you because you are single. I'm tired of these rules that seem to inhibit and make my life solitare.

You know something is wrong when you entertain the thought of dying in your sleep as a better thing than waking.

Anyway, I hope I've not brought anyone down. That wasn't my intention. It is just that I didn't want to go to bed with all this negative stuff not being released. I feel some better now that I've been able to type this.

Thanks for your time. And, God bless. And, for time's sake, I've not done a spell check or grammar check. So, if you find mistakes, please disregard them. Thanks.

rj

rj

Franco Harris of the Pittsburgh Steelers in 197

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 7:21am
Thank you Sandra.

rj

rj

Franco Harris of the Pittsburgh Steelers in 197

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 7:27am
You are very correct- it could have been more to do with the stress.

Yes, I've been concerned about the panic attack issue and moving to a new area. This year, I've made great strides in dealing with my panic attacks while driving. I made three 2 hours trips away from home this past spring/summer. I even took the time to eat out and such, which was a great accomplishment for me. I'm hoping with more time after graduation and the confidence boost of the degree that I can better address this issue and work toward even greater success. I believe that by believing I can achieve success over my fears of panic that being successful is possible.

rj :)

rj

Franco Harris of the Pittsburgh Steelers in 197

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 9:39am

If I fell asleep tonight and didn't wake up, I don't
think I would be too sad about that either.
(I'm not suicidal BTW)


RJ, I have been in this same place SO many times in my life.

Kim
Check out my

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 9:46am

Truer words were never spoken Kimmie.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 9:48am

p.s.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 9:52am

Is Court recovering from that kidney infection?


Yes, she is recovered and back to her ornery self.

Kim
Check out my

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 10:05am

LOL!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 10:12am

I don't know about poppin' wheelies, but I'm sure she'll be still be scrompin' long AFTER her deathbed.

Kim
Check out my

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2004
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 11:29am
hey RJ, sorry your feeling so down. I know my words can't change how you feel but just know that you can always vent on here -- I'm learning that myself and sometimes just posting what you _really_ feel makes things a bit better.

Big Hugs to you and hope you find your way soon,

M

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