More troubles

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
More troubles
29
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 10:44am
My daughter came home yesterday and informed me that she is sitting in the library alone during lunch at school. Leanne is in 10th grade, and in Oklahoma she was a very popular girl. In her new, extremely larger school here in PA, she is apparently lost in the crowd. She is a shy person, but very outgoing once she is comfortable. I feel so sorry for her as this is something she needs to fix and I can't do it for her. It is heartbreaking and the guilt is overwhelming. When her father and I agreed to divorce it was selfish of us, becasue she is the one suffering and she was not the cause of the divorce. I actually felt so bad I asked her to give it a chance until Christmas break and if she hasn't adapted by then she could move back home with her Dad in Oklahoma. It was the absolute hardest thing I ever did in my life. She said she would feel bad leaving me but I assured her I would be ok and that her happiness is my main objective. Then I went to my room and hyperventilated/cried harder than I ever cried in my life. I love Leanne and want her happiness above all. I can't even imagine life without her in it on a daily basis. She seems very grateful for the opportunity and I don't know what she intends to do with that offer.

Next problem. I tried to break up with Jen last night. I have so much in my life I feel like I am neglecting her and she deserves so much more. She calls several times throughout the day and I find myself at a loss for words because we talk so much there is nothing new to say. I do not have time for chit chat and feel so stressed and guilty that I can't just stop everything 5 times a day and make light conversation even if I wanted to. She is so sweet and understanding but at the same time begs for more attention, and she deserves that, but I just don't have time and energy for a relationship right now. I miss and love Jen, but she is young and should be having fun with people her own age. I want her to move on with her life and if it is meant to be we will see eachother again someday. She went ballistic, and we agreed to one phone call a day - when I call her, and email contact. I want so much more for her, I wish she wasn't settling like this. She is so beautiful and funny and could be having so much fun with someone without so many problems. I can't make her see she is wasting her life on this long distance relationship with me.

I love Jen and Leanne, and want their happiness. If you pray, please pray for my best girls. Thanks for listening, Sandra

Sandr

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: sandralea33
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 7:36pm
Sandra!!!!! (((((( hugs )))))) Lori and I where reading your post together, and both of us huged and cried, for you, for us, for all women/mothers. I know we dont post much back and fourth, but I had to respond to you.When Tom (16) and Jenn (14) ( my kids) went to live with their dad, I hit rock bottem. I thought I was there before, but I allways had the kids to fight for. And then one day in Augest, they where gone. Lori was in Maine ( after being with me all summer) my baby did EVERYTHING to pull me back from my dark space. And I like you, wanted her to have a life free of 'my bagage' how could she love some one like me???? I couldnt even keep my children happy. I gave up. My theripist asked me, ( and it is the only thing that stuck) who are you to make Lori's decisions for her, she is a grown women. And I am sooooooooooooo darn lucky to have her beleive in me. Today, Lori and I are starting 'forever' My kids are living with their dad ( about 45 min away) and I am very much part of lives!!!! I am the 'good' parent, be cause i dont have to be the full time disciplinarian. And now, they come to me when they thing dad isnt being fair. It's valid that we all remember, relationships are a 2 way street, not always good, rough roads at times, but ohhhhhhhhhh its so worth it. Fell free to email me any time, goodnitemoon@sympatico.ca and hang in there, it does get better, we do learn how to cope, keep yourself warm and toasty, Sandy
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: sandralea33
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 10:08pm

(((((((Sandra)))))))


You really are far too hard on yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: sandralea33
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 11:11pm
Excellent ideas rj. I agree with u whole heartedly. This is just plain good and honest.
Avatar for themadhugger
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
In reply to: sandralea33
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 6:07am

Hi Sandra,


With all that is going on in my life right now, I havent had the time to reply to this thread, but Sandy's post hit home for me and I thought I would echo her words.


I left my DH 10 months ago and I knew how hard it would be on my Son, but I also knew I could no longer live my life the way I had been living it.

*hugs ~ Caly

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
In reply to: sandralea33
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 7:12am
Laurie, THank you for the advice and for sharing your story. I feel like I am doing all the right things but getting all bad results. Maybe I should consider an alternative approach and tell her to shut up and go to school and make friends or not - who cares! (that felt good to say, too bad I really couldn't do it)LOL

How are you feeling today? How's the smoking?

Big Hugs, Sandra

Sandr

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
In reply to: sandralea33
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 7:24am
Sandy, thank you! Its nice to hear advice from someone who has been there. I just can't imagine being without her, but you are surviving, I guess I would survive. I have never mentioned this before but her Dad, my ex, adopted her when she was 5. He isn't even her biological father. I'm not saying that their relationship isn't valid, but it bugs me that she would rather live with him than me, partly because of that. Also, the kids in Oklahoma, they were drinking, having sex, shoplifting - my daughter tried it all, I don't want her there. Lastly, my ex is a fireman, he is gone for 24 hours every 2 days. A 16 yr old girl doesn't need to live "alone" and with no mother and friends that like to drink and have sex. When my ex isn't at the fire station he is self employed and never ever home. Even though its a cute little small town with nice weather and she is used to it and comfortable - it is not the best home. Here, we have a nice house, tons of family and frineds, lots to do....she has 1,200 kids to choose from and yes, some are bad, but the ones she "hooked up with" at the beginning are good kids. She said they don't swear and when she went to the football game with some of them last friday night she said that they don't even discuss drinking and that they were "immature" and said they acted like the 8th graders at her old school. I don't want her to go.....for many reasons.

Leanne always looked nice to go to school, always got straight A's, was active and popular. Today she got out of bed and left, she didn't even say goodbye when I dropped her off. I said "By Sweetie, try and have a better day today" my reply was a dirty look and a car door slamming. Sandra

Sandr

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
In reply to: sandralea33
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 7:51am
Pam, I know I am giving myself more "credit" than I deserve, that is very typical of me. That is probably why I don't know how to handle this whole situation. I think if I took a lighter, less active approach sometimes, things will work theirselves out. I just broke Jen's heart and told her "don't call me, I'll call you" and I feel so bad, but so relieved at the same time. I just can't think about my love life and maintaining a long distance relationship right now. I feel like I just left an adorable, wonderful puppy on the roadside and drove off.

Sandra

Sandr

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
In reply to: sandralea33
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 7:57am
Caly, I thought you were going through something similar....the only difference is, you are moving in with Ting, and I will be left here alone. Also, your son is staying in a good place, my daughter is moving to a self destructive enviornment. I think I am going to make her stay here, I am pretty certain that is what I am going to do.I need to make the decisions, and plan carefully. She is not mature enough to make these choices at not even 16 years old. Thinking back, if i would have done what I wanted at 16 I wouldn't even have a high school diploma. Your son is going to do great, he is where he is comfortable and safe in his mind. I am so happy your situation is working out, I wouldn't wish this nightmare on anyone.

Hugs and thanks, Sandra

Sandr

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
In reply to: sandralea33
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 8:04am

((((((((((((((((((((Sandra, Jen, and Leanne))))))))))))))))))


I will echo what the others have said, I think you are being too hard on yourself.


Hugs!


~C

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
In reply to: sandralea33
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 8:11am

Ya know, Christmas break may be too soon to cut and run.

Kim
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