More troubles

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
More troubles
29
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 10:44am
My daughter came home yesterday and informed me that she is sitting in the library alone during lunch at school. Leanne is in 10th grade, and in Oklahoma she was a very popular girl. In her new, extremely larger school here in PA, she is apparently lost in the crowd. She is a shy person, but very outgoing once she is comfortable. I feel so sorry for her as this is something she needs to fix and I can't do it for her. It is heartbreaking and the guilt is overwhelming. When her father and I agreed to divorce it was selfish of us, becasue she is the one suffering and she was not the cause of the divorce. I actually felt so bad I asked her to give it a chance until Christmas break and if she hasn't adapted by then she could move back home with her Dad in Oklahoma. It was the absolute hardest thing I ever did in my life. She said she would feel bad leaving me but I assured her I would be ok and that her happiness is my main objective. Then I went to my room and hyperventilated/cried harder than I ever cried in my life. I love Leanne and want her happiness above all. I can't even imagine life without her in it on a daily basis. She seems very grateful for the opportunity and I don't know what she intends to do with that offer.

Next problem. I tried to break up with Jen last night. I have so much in my life I feel like I am neglecting her and she deserves so much more. She calls several times throughout the day and I find myself at a loss for words because we talk so much there is nothing new to say. I do not have time for chit chat and feel so stressed and guilty that I can't just stop everything 5 times a day and make light conversation even if I wanted to. She is so sweet and understanding but at the same time begs for more attention, and she deserves that, but I just don't have time and energy for a relationship right now. I miss and love Jen, but she is young and should be having fun with people her own age. I want her to move on with her life and if it is meant to be we will see eachother again someday. She went ballistic, and we agreed to one phone call a day - when I call her, and email contact. I want so much more for her, I wish she wasn't settling like this. She is so beautiful and funny and could be having so much fun with someone without so many problems. I can't make her see she is wasting her life on this long distance relationship with me.

I love Jen and Leanne, and want their happiness. If you pray, please pray for my best girls. Thanks for listening, Sandra

Sandr

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
In reply to: sandralea33
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 8:19am
Kim, I completely agree. I am afraid that this was a plan of hers from day one....I'm looking back at the chain of events and looks at what happened.

Her father files for divorce and she is ok with that.

We plan to move to PA to be with family, and she is ready and excited to begin a new life.

I get involved with Jen while we are wrapping things up and preparing to move.

Leanne is mad, and wants Jen gone.

Leanne wants to move to PA immediately to get away from Jen, or get Jen and I apart.

Then I tell her Jen wants to come, she tells me if Jen comes, she's staying in OK.

We leave Jen and come here.

Jen and I are apart and Leanne is happy.

Leanne now wants to leave me and go back to OK.

Final result - she split us up. Game over, Leanne wins.

I am afraid my very intelligent daughter is going to have to come up with a new plan, I'm calling it Operation Suck It UP! She is going to stay here and give this a chance. Thats that.

Thanks again Kim! Hugs, Sandra

Sandr

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
In reply to: sandralea33
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 8:19am
I am feeling pretty good today, thank you for asking.

How are you feeling today.

Have you had a chance to talk with Leanne about being gay and Jen yet.

Maybe it would be nice to talk about it over a nice dinner at a favorite restaurant.

Tell her how you are feeling and how much it would mean to you if she would try to be more open minded.

I don't know, I hope she will come around soon.

Hugs,
Laurie

My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
In reply to: sandralea33
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 8:29am
Laurie

My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
In reply to: sandralea33
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 8:31am
Laurie, She doesn't have a problem with me being gay, she has a problem with me dating someone close to her age. Jen is only 18. I guess that doesn't matter now, I basically broke up with Jen this morning. I told her I can't focus on a long distance relationship right now and that Leanne needs me and I need to help her, and find a job. Jen needs to move on with her life, she doesn't need these issues as she has so many of her own. I wanted to give her more than this, and I can't. I don't ahve time to breathe and Jen calls me 5 times a day and emails, etc... As soon as I make a little progress with Leanne the phone rings and we take 2 more steps back. I can't take this anymore, the emotional rollercoaster. I love Jen and want to be with her, but the timing is so bad. Maybe someday. I feel guilty for leaving Jen, guilty that I can't give her the time and attention she deserves, guilty that I can't help her through her problems....etc.

Now I feel guilty about only 1 thing, that I broke up with her. She will move on, and I just lost the best woman ever. I am sure someday I will be kicking myself, but I will cross that bridge when I get to it.

Hugs, Sandra

Sandr

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: sandralea33
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 8:51am

GREAT advice Kimmie!


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: sandralea33
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 8:52am

>I'm calling it Operation Suck It UP! She is going to stay here and give this a chance. Thats that.


Wooooooooooooo Hooooooooooo!


Go Mom Go!


Hang in there and don't give in.


Hugs from Pam


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
In reply to: sandralea33
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 9:53am
Oh so that is cool, I thought she was having trouble with the whole lesbian thing. Thanks for clearing that up.

I can see how it would be exhausting to have someone calling so much. Been there.

So it's the age thing... Well, I don't know but I think that would be easier for her to eventually overcome. Maybe later.

I am sorry that you had to break up with Jen. I hope things can start working out soon,

I think Kim has alot of great advice.

Sorry to hear that you are hurting, but I still do not think that you should be feeling guilty about anything you feel you need to do to make your life better. That is survival.

We all have a right to that.

Hugs,
Laurie

My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2002
In reply to: sandralea33
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 12:26pm

Hi Sandra,


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
In reply to: sandralea33
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 3:31pm
Lori, Thank you so much for your perspective. All of the advice I get here is so important to me. Especially when people with similar experiences pass on their lessons learned. Maybe I can get through this without too many injuries. I am so glad you and Sandy are together again and doing well. Thanks again for your support! Sandra

Sandr

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