A letter to LL
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| Mon, 11-15-2004 - 9:30pm |
I don't know how much longer I'll be postin on this wonderful board once this is all said and done. I guess it depends on how I am percieved among this community......I dunno. Anyway, here's the jest of it;
This morning I was at my bankruptcy hearing (which went flawless btw, I am now oficially debt free). I asked my attorney if he handles child custody issues, which he does. Most of you know the long, sordid story behind my situation with "sweetfeets". For those of you who don't, it's a long, sordid story.
Anyway, after my attorney asked me all kinds of questions as to why I don't have custody, ie., do I have a history of violence, drug abuse, alcoholism, promiscuity, child abuse, etc., and I answered "no" to all of the above, he's like "so, what's the deal?" I had to come out to him about my sexuality and psycological background. Still, he shrugged his shoulders and said "so, what's the deal?" Apparently he believes that he can get my custody case turned around. My only disadvantages are the county it will be tried in (Fort Bend instead of Harris for those familiar with the Houston area) and the retainer fee. I cannot come up with the retainer fee for at least a year.
Meanwhile, I have not seen my son since before I left for my trip to Lynchburg a month ago. This is weighing heavy on my heart, and I have been going into manic episodes because of it. Just the other night at WalMart, getting my anti-depressants refilled, I found myself wishing I could crawl into a corner and cry. I cannot go another year without seeing my son, not without losing all sanity I have left within myself. Many of my friends have asked why I can't go another year. Well....they all either have custody of thier kids or don't have kids at all. They don't know the pain I'm going through right now, and hopefully they never will.
As I said, I cannot go another year of not knowing when and if I'll see sweetfeets again. My ex (sweetfeet's dad) has made it clear that he will allow me to see him only if I admit to his family and friends that I am not a lesbian, I must identify as bisexual and most of all "work things out" with him. I am so depressed and distraught at this point that I am ready to do anything to see my son again. Noone understands that so far. My own mother went to bed crying tonight when I told her what I was thinking...I have never felt lower in my entire life, letting myself get to this point, hurting so many people, realizing what I'm about to sink myself to.....I try and think of what I would say to another lesbian if she were going through this, but I have no words. I'm lost. (I'm crying as I type this post)
Anyway, I don't know what y'all are thinking of me right now (don't know if I want to know really), but I had to put it out there. Some of you have been there for me in my darker hours, and I want to say thank you from the bottum of my heart.

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I have done and would do whatever it takes to be with my child.
Kim
Check out my
((((((((((((((((((Beth))))))))))))))))))
We will stand behind you and support you 100% no matter what. Please don't stop posting here, you belong here. I support you in whatever decision you make.
Big hugs!
~C
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my blog....where i scoop the poop
htt
Oh Sadie, this is awful. I can absolutely sympathise with your missing your son.. he's so little and you've been so deeply connected to be without him ... there's no way this couldn't hurt!
Your ex is basically holding Sweetfeets hostage to get you to capitulate. It's disgusting and I find it impossible to believe he's going to be satisfied with simply having you back, 'working things out' (faking it) and declaring yourself bisexual. That won't be the end of it Sadie... I'm sorry hon but I want to be sure you are walking into this with your eyes WIDE open.
I completely believe once he's got you to do all the above, there'll be more. He won't be trusting so you won't be allowed out with any friends. You're going to get the third degree over everyone you speak to, everyone you look at, anyone he THINKS you've looked at. You'd better giggle and look as pleased as a schoolgirl at every advance he makes towards you... no headaches. Sadie, once you give into this I'm afraid you'll become nothing more than a puppet jumping to his whims. Or else.
One more piece of negativity, something to be aware of. IF you go back, god girl, don't stay any longer than it takes to get your crap together enough to fight him for Sweetfeets. (You'd better be keeping a diary already, recording all the ugliness that's coming from this man.. it's all evidence.) Squirrel away money, find contacts, investigate ways to get your son away. But don't stay there too long. The way that your ex thinks of you... the lack of respect he shows, your son will notice. Eventually he will copy. You need to be out before that happens.
I am not and will not ever judge you Sadie. I completely understand that a mother will do whatever they can to make their circumstances work... staying or going, each direction hurts. In my book you are always welcome here hon, nobody here is going to chase you off.
Love~ Nony
Nony4444@hotmail.com if ya need it
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{sadie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Ex's!
I read the last part about what you 'must' do to see your son, and I'd love to shove that where the sun doesn't shine on your ex! Who the hell is he to dictate how you live your life, as if being gay is a choice? Yet to say you are bi if you are not is a lie, and he wants you to lie... for him. I should introduce him to my ex.
I'm tired of the game in my own life, and there seems to be a pattern here of us getting shortchanged because of the perception others have of us. I don't know what it is going to take to change this collectively, but what you had to say struck a chord with me.
Only you can decide your course, but you know we will give you all the moral support we can muster!
(((((((Beth))))))) I have to agree with Pam.
~ ML ~![]()
Excellent advice Nony.
CL-Nursepam2000 aka
{{{{{{{{{{Nelle}}}}}}}}}}
CL-Nursepam2000 aka
{{{{{{{{{{ML}}}}}}}}}}
Lovely post.
CL-Nursepam2000 aka
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