I think I'm getting there
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| Fri, 11-19-2004 - 11:17pm |
Yep it's me again, comming back to bug y'all one more time (or two or three *shrugs*). Best thing of all is that my biggest dilema of the day was deciding whether to continue under my last thread or start a new one alltogether (right I wish). Anyhoo, what the hell.
Mandi, thanks for sharing your story. Jo (and Mandi) yes I have yahoo im but it's a matter of me remebering to turn it on when I'm online since I normally use AIM, but I'll look for y'all when I do have it on. rj - ditto.
For those of you trying not to say the wrong thing to me - PLEASE don't worry. Please please please give me your honest opinions! that's part of the reason I'm playing this out here, to get feedback and advice b/c I need HELP (in more ways than one as you've already guessed)! So, whether you think I want to hear it or not, just hit me with it. TIA.
Anyway, I've been thinking, analyzing, going back and forth and what not...about his "terms", that I identify as bisexual. Shallow as this may sound, I saw a glimmer of hope that he would let me have a gf? Then I get to thinking on that and I'm apalled at myself and wonder when my morals went out the door and into the wind. My main focus is my son, and if I were to agree to his "terms", the last thing on my mind would be getting a gf. That and nobody, I mean NOBODY, "lets" me do anything. Also, for the past several weeks I let this man make me believe that I had a choice between being a lesbian or being a mother, but I couldn't be both. Shallow again. I have got to find my marbles. I have been a lesbian mother for over 7 years, and just by going back to my son's father would not make me any less of a dyke. How many lesbians are trapped in these types of relationships out of this same fear and confusion, I wonder? What can I do to help them? Where can we go, to help and support each other?
At this point, my heart is telling me one thing (go back to the ex, do whatever it takes to be with your son now), but my mind is telling me different (take your mom's advice). By going with my heart, I'll get to see him now, but his father and family (I apologize that I cannot go into further detail about these ppl, I really am trying to tell as much as I can but at the same time I do have to be selective in what I post in this forum) can take him away again with the snap of thier fingers. I guess I'll always have that fear, even when I do get back to court and win my case, what will they pull next? By going with my mind, I will not see him possibly for another 6 months, but by then I'll be stronger and ready to tear them apart in court, and know that I have a better chance of keeping sweetfeets with me permanently.
I still don't know what to do, and once again I'm rambling. I just wanted to thank y'all once again for the support and advice I've recieved so far, and to reiterate that I DO want your honest opinions (hell tell me to shut up already if ya want) whether you think I want to hear it or not - I do.
xo always.
Beth

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~sigh~ There's really not much I can say on the legal issue of getting sweetfeats back into your life. The only thing I can say is do what you think is best. There are lesbian moms out there. Unfortunatlely, I'm not one, well at least not directly. I've shared at least once or twice about the fact that I do have a daughter. I didn't have her, but the woman that I was (you might as well say)married to did. Anyway, (and I didn't share this part)through her dishonesty, she didn't tell me that she, in essence was married to "our" daugther's father. Now, how's that for a kick in the pants?
I can never understand the complete feelings of having your own flesh and blood "taken" from you, but I know that it hurts. The day that my daughter was born, I became bound to her, and if she and her mother walked up to me today, I would actuallly start crying, because I will have finally seen her in person, and knowing that she's grown up and that she's happy. I know that didn't make a bit of sense, and it was far away from any usable opinion or anything that you might have wanted from me, but, it all boils down to following what your head says and go stay with your mom. That way you have the emotional and financial support that you need right now. Remember, Beth, you still have your mom, no matter what, and you still have us, waiting and praying for you to get through this, safely, sanely, and happily.
Hugs and kiss on the cheek.
Hugs,
Sebastian
http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce
(((((((Beth)))))))
I could not begin to tell you what to do.
CL-Nursepam2000 aka
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>>>You will remember that I had occasion to witness your pain.<<< you are part of a very seclusive club, nurse. I also remeber how you told me about your dd that night, so I know you share it.
I just hope and pray that whatever decision I end up making (soon hopefully), I will have no regrets, no repercussions.....
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There is just keep the faith. {{{{{{{{{{Beth}}}}}}}}}}.
Hugs,
Sebastian
http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce
You asked for it so I am going to tell you exactly how I feel and think about your situation.
Your EX and his family are doing the wrong thing by keeping your son away from his mother and someone in the court system should see it that way.
Your son will see this one day and probably end up hating them.
I believe in being true to yourself.
There is no way that I could be forced to be with someone like a prisoner, especially a man. I would think that your EX would be extra controlling of you if you go back and never trust you with friends. I think his family would probably treat you like crap even if you go back because they already are disrespecting you and it will take alot to get their respect back.
I think that being a prisoner or hostage to your EX would make you more depressed and bitter and it would be hard to fake being a loving family. This could be bad for sweetfeets to.
I think you should fight EX in the courts and keep a diary like you have been so that sweetfeets can see it one day.
I would work on you and gaining strength and total acceptance of who you are. I would work on accepting the fact that you are not the bad guy in this situation. Your EX and his family are the bad guys by using your son as a carrot for getting what they want and to spite you for leaving your EX.
This is not a healthy environment for a child either.
I would call lawyers everyday and tell them my story and keep calling until I found someone to help fight this in court.
Would you want sweetfeets to one day be a prisoner of someone who would not let him be himself and be happy.
You can explain things to him one day.
What does your Mom advise? I don't think I know where she stands.
You are not abandoning your child, your EX is holding him hostage to get you to come back.
I hope that you can realize this.
Ok, now you know exactly where I am coming from. I hope it is alright with you.
You just get it out of your head that you have abandoned sweetfeets.
Hugs,
Laurie
My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
{{{{{{{Beth}}}}}}}
The wonderful thing about angels is that we can send hosts of them to watch over you and sweetfeets every single day.
CL-Nursepam2000 aka
(((((((Laurie)))))))
You have said a number of very important things here.
CL-Nursepam2000 aka
Thanks Laurie, and yes, I asked for it.
My mom's advice is to stay with her rent free for the next 6 months or however long it takes, get another second job and stash away some $$ and continue building my emotional strength up. If I were to play along with ex's plan, I would never save any $$ and she is worried about what it will do to me with my depression and all, she is convinced that this is the worst possible situation for me both financially and emotionally. Many of my friends are saying the same thing, that I need to listen to mom and my head and not my heart. It's funny though, another thing that has been comming up is my ability to dole out advice, you know, thinking with the head and not the heart, but when it comes to my own life, I can't take my own advice. ~sigh. Thankyou for being frank, it helps to see that so many are saying similar things I guess, not that I need someone else to tell me what to do, but this is a situation where I don't want to jump into without thinking and getting advice/support/etc...
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We do that here sometimes. Is there someone you can call? Your Gay Pride, someone?
They just have to get a bar to cooperate one night, charge a cover charge and take tips at the stage while the musicians, comedians, dragqueens etc perform. A couple of these should give you a good start or more for a lawyer. Most performers will jump at the chance to help out. Have a friend or your mom ask around for you.
I think it would help you with the financial backing.
You have a big GLBT community in Houston, you can probably get on Bob and Tom, etc.
Hope something can work out like that.
Hugs,
Laurie
My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
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