If I'm AWOL
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| Tue, 11-30-2004 - 7:34am |
Hello everyone,
I've been pondering something for the past couple of months. I've not been pondering it very seriously. But, after this past weekend, I came to a great realization. I'M TIRED OF BEING ALONE.
You know, I've lost the best years of my life being alone. In 2005, it will be 10 years of lonliness. I'm really getting tired of it. I feel as if I've tried everything. Last night, I cried and I cried and I cried.
What am I pondering? I've been thinking about attending a Healing Homosexuality meeting held here in the city. It goes against the grain of what I currently believe, but lonliness blurs the vision. I'm a bit worried about attending such a meeting, but I'm also worried about the life I've become so used to.
For the past 10 years, I've become content with eating out alone, seeing movies alone, and shopping alone. I know, there's nothing wrong with doing things by yourself. But, when that becomes the majority of your time spent instead of the minority, or when you are constantly-always alone, what does that say?
PlanetOut certainly isn't Mecca when it comes to gay dating. If I were to take a poll here, I can bet that there would be few women who would say that they had found Ms. Right on PlanetOut. I don't want PlanetOut to be my only hope. Because, that's not much hope.
Well, it is time for me to go to work now. But, if you don't see me around, you'll know why now. I've not made a firm decision on this yet. But, I felt after spending hours last night crying and wishing I were dead, I would be a good idea to consider a life change and perhaps tell someone about it.
Thank you,
rj

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Well, rj, if that's what you want to do, fine. I, for one will miss you. You seem to be a very sweet and loving woman. I have been alone,and believe me, I don't like it, but I know one thing, I'm not in a relationship that is miserable and unbelieveably painful. There is one thing I know for sure: I'm a happy in being what I am, a lesbian. There is, in my opinion, no such thing as Healing a Homosexual. I believe that there is healing for broken hearts and minds, but as far as a person's sexual preference, there's no such thing, and that's just my opinion.
Your attitude has been wonderful and I've noticed a great change in you. I, have tried to reach out to you, but you only seem to go into the other direction. I merely want to be your friend and that's all. I don't want to seem as though I'm being rude, or ignorant, I just wish you could understand that you are a good person and that sexuality is but a part of you, (this is what a Catholic priest told me). I'm sorry that you were so upset last night, but finding a woman that you desire isn't the easiest thing to do, believe me I know. I'm sure there are plenty of hot and georgeous women that would love to get to know you. I am searching also, and I am very alone, but I'm not giving up. I know what I said in last week's Monday Moan, but I'm still plugging away. I am well known on this board for being a flirt, so what? I'm just being me,(and sometimes I need to pulled by my "coattail" to simmer down). You must continue to have faith in yourself, and love yourself, first. Love comes from within, not just from without. Right now, you are going through so stress because of your job and school, and that can discourage anyone, but you must continue.
My heart goes out to you, but you must first love yourself, and please stay.
Hugs,
Gigi.
Hugs,
Sebastian
http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce
Well rj.
CL-Nursepam2000 aka
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
my blog....where i scoop the poop
htt
Ting![]()
I do not think you will cure your homosexuality, because its not a disease RJ. We are not sick. You can choose to not act on your sexuality and suffer through another straight relationship if you want to - but pretending you are straight will not make you straight. Take your journey, and I will be here for you when it's over. I know you will be back. We are your friends, your family, and we love you. I will support you no matter what, if you let me. Hugs, I will miss you. Sandra
Sandr
RJ, there are many of us here who accept you as you are.
Kim
Check out my
I am going to be straight up with you here.
Stop fighting who you are and accept yourself. You are always complaining about your life, your classes, what people say to you, your town, on and on.
Maybe just maybe being so miserable in all areas of your life is a way for you to punish yourself for being a lesbian. Maybe if you accept who you are and believe you are okay, things will change because you will feel, look and be more pleasant.
When I left the Navy, I stayed single for four years. I used that time to help myself. I believe you need to help yourself too.
You have a full plate. You are working and going to school and really do not have a lot of time to meet others. You live in the worst place to meet other lesbians.
You need to quit blaming yourself for everything and also quit blaming everything on your homosexuality.
Do you really think that you would be ready for your first lesbian relationship while you are so miserable with yourself and so busy turning your life around.
I left the navy, went to school full time and worked not quite full time. I had no time for dating and right no money to pull my own weight in a relationship as far as paying for a date or what ever.
Why are you so worried about finding a love life with someone else when you cannot even love or accept yourself?
Like others here have said, we can't be cured, just learn how to live life as someone we are not. I think you tried that already and it did not work for you.
I really think you should take this time to accept, love and care for yourself before you try to find someone else.
If you want things to change, you have to change. Stop wallowing in self pity and take charge of your life. You can do it, you have to do it if you want things to change.
Sitting around just complaining will not change anything and I think the last 10 years have shown you just that. Take these last years and learn from them. You have made a good start by going to school.
You know you are a good person and you know you are attractive. You know that!
You just need to get yourself together here.
Stop doing this to yourself, it is very self defeating.
I like you and swear that I am going to come down there and pull you out of that hole you are living in. But finish school first! Get that education so that you can move up in your field. And most of all accept yourself and learn how to love yourself so that a g/f will be a bonus to you and not a crutch.
In true loving friendship,
Laurie
My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
Hugs, Sandra
Sandr
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