If I'm AWOL

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
If I'm AWOL
45
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 7:34am

Hello everyone,

I've been pondering something for the past couple of months. I've not been pondering it very seriously. But, after this past weekend, I came to a great realization. I'M TIRED OF BEING ALONE.

You know, I've lost the best years of my life being alone. In 2005, it will be 10 years of lonliness. I'm really getting tired of it. I feel as if I've tried everything. Last night, I cried and I cried and I cried.

What am I pondering? I've been thinking about attending a Healing Homosexuality meeting held here in the city. It goes against the grain of what I currently believe, but lonliness blurs the vision. I'm a bit worried about attending such a meeting, but I'm also worried about the life I've become so used to.

For the past 10 years, I've become content with eating out alone, seeing movies alone, and shopping alone. I know, there's nothing wrong with doing things by yourself. But, when that becomes the majority of your time spent instead of the minority, or when you are constantly-always alone, what does that say?

PlanetOut certainly isn't Mecca when it comes to gay dating. If I were to take a poll here, I can bet that there would be few women who would say that they had found Ms. Right on PlanetOut. I don't want PlanetOut to be my only hope. Because, that's not much hope.

Well, it is time for me to go to work now. But, if you don't see me around, you'll know why now. I've not made a firm decision on this yet. But, I felt after spending hours last night crying and wishing I were dead, I would be a good idea to consider a life change and perhaps tell someone about it.

Thank you,

rj

rj

Franco Harris of the Pittsburgh Steelers in 197

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 9:33am

Well, rj, if that's what you want to do, fine. I, for one will miss you. You seem to be a very sweet and loving woman. I have been alone,and believe me, I don't like it, but I know one thing, I'm not in a relationship that is miserable and unbelieveably painful. There is one thing I know for sure: I'm a happy in being what I am, a lesbian. There is, in my opinion, no such thing as Healing a Homosexual. I believe that there is healing for broken hearts and minds, but as far as a person's sexual preference, there's no such thing, and that's just my opinion.

Your attitude has been wonderful and I've noticed a great change in you. I, have tried to reach out to you, but you only seem to go into the other direction. I merely want to be your friend and that's all. I don't want to seem as though I'm being rude, or ignorant, I just wish you could understand that you are a good person and that sexuality is but a part of you, (this is what a Catholic priest told me). I'm sorry that you were so upset last night, but finding a woman that you desire isn't the easiest thing to do, believe me I know. I'm sure there are plenty of hot and georgeous women that would love to get to know you. I am searching also, and I am very alone, but I'm not giving up. I know what I said in last week's Monday Moan, but I'm still plugging away. I am well known on this board for being a flirt, so what? I'm just being me,(and sometimes I need to pulled by my "coattail" to simmer down). You must continue to have faith in yourself, and love yourself, first. Love comes from within, not just from without. Right now, you are going through so stress because of your job and school, and that can discourage anyone, but you must continue.

My heart goes out to you, but you must first love yourself, and please stay.

Hugs,

Gigi.

 


Hugs,


Sebastian


 


http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 10:06am

Well rj.

Avatar for tookie12
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 10:15am
sometimes you have to travel to see that the grass isn't always greener....wish you well in your travels and sincerely hope you find whatever it is you are honestly looking for

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

my blog....where i scoop the poop

htt

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 10:38am
RJ, I'm sorry you are so sad and confused. I hope you can find the truth within that will bring you peace and happiness. When you find that I feel confident that love will find you when you are least expecting it. Good luck and hope you will take a detour on your journey sometime and visit us.
Ting

Ting 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 11:44am
RJ, I know you probably don't want to hear my opinion, but I am going to give it to you anyway. You can choose to read this or not. I really like you RJ, I have from day one. I tried to be friends with you and you told me to go away. I think you are beautiful, witty, and dare I say this...sexy. If I were single I would have really tried to get to know you better. You ARE desireable to other women. There is a big world out there and I know for certain that I am not the only person that would find you attractive, I have heard other ladies here say the same thing to you. I never understood why you don't like me, but I accept that because in this world there will always be people that don't like me. I can live with that. You telling me to leave you alone hurt me, especially because I didn't understand why. I'm getting off the subject now, let me get back on track...
I do not think you will cure your homosexuality, because its not a disease RJ. We are not sick. You can choose to not act on your sexuality and suffer through another straight relationship if you want to - but pretending you are straight will not make you straight. Take your journey, and I will be here for you when it's over. I know you will be back. We are your friends, your family, and we love you. I will support you no matter what, if you let me. Hugs, I will miss you. Sandra

Sandr

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 12:35pm

RJ, there are many of us here who accept you as you are.

Kim
Check out my

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 1:33pm
(((((RJ)))))
I am going to be straight up with you here.
Stop fighting who you are and accept yourself. You are always complaining about your life, your classes, what people say to you, your town, on and on.
Maybe just maybe being so miserable in all areas of your life is a way for you to punish yourself for being a lesbian. Maybe if you accept who you are and believe you are okay, things will change because you will feel, look and be more pleasant.
When I left the Navy, I stayed single for four years. I used that time to help myself. I believe you need to help yourself too.
You have a full plate. You are working and going to school and really do not have a lot of time to meet others. You live in the worst place to meet other lesbians.
You need to quit blaming yourself for everything and also quit blaming everything on your homosexuality.
Do you really think that you would be ready for your first lesbian relationship while you are so miserable with yourself and so busy turning your life around.
I left the navy, went to school full time and worked not quite full time. I had no time for dating and right no money to pull my own weight in a relationship as far as paying for a date or what ever.
Why are you so worried about finding a love life with someone else when you cannot even love or accept yourself?
Like others here have said, we can't be cured, just learn how to live life as someone we are not. I think you tried that already and it did not work for you.
I really think you should take this time to accept, love and care for yourself before you try to find someone else.
If you want things to change, you have to change. Stop wallowing in self pity and take charge of your life. You can do it, you have to do it if you want things to change.
Sitting around just complaining will not change anything and I think the last 10 years have shown you just that. Take these last years and learn from them. You have made a good start by going to school.
You know you are a good person and you know you are attractive. You know that!
You just need to get yourself together here.
Stop doing this to yourself, it is very self defeating.
I like you and swear that I am going to come down there and pull you out of that hole you are living in. But finish school first! Get that education so that you can move up in your field. And most of all accept yourself and learn how to love yourself so that a g/f will be a bonus to you and not a crutch.
In true loving friendship,
Laurie
Laurie

My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 2:15pm
I agree with everyone else. I think you are a great person you just need to accept your self. You can't expect someone to love you if you cant love your self. You seem to feel that what you feel is wrong and no matter what people say, you are who you are and it is good! We love you for you. Maybe you need to finish school and then move to some other place that is a little more open to your lifestyle. I may not live in the most gay friendly place but I definitly dont live in the least either. I just dont really care what people think. I know that I am me and people usually love me for that. I know it is hard but you need to find out who you are and stick with it. I don't know what you are looking for but I do know that there are too many people looking for someone like you to just give up. I think you judge yourself too hard. Give in to yourself and you will find harmony in life. Good luck and know that you will always have us here waiting for you. Mandi Jewell
Avatar for cooledbyair
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 6:29pm
I have seen these programs on tv talking about ways to re-program(if you will )Gay and Lesbians...I think it is a crock personally.....If you see women in the light I do,if you are attracted to women in the way I am....if you kiss a woman and then and only then see the fireworks and get the feelings you feel from chick flicks you thought you could never feel then you too were born gay/lesbian....and well I could not be de-programmed.I have to say we both live in NC....it is not to far apart....and well when I was single I offered to come hang out with you,when I Had a gf I offered to come hang out with you,I think you feared ummm me trying to make moves on you,but that wasn't the case.Just we aren't each others type....I told you we could find a club....I tried to offer assistance as well....I have between serious relationships been single for up to two years at a time.....I don't approach people.I am up-front here on-line but in real life I am very shy.....Is that the case???Is it lack of lesbians???There aren't many over on this part of NC but when I get the urge I drive 45 minutes on Friday nights and go to a gay club where I know I won't meet Ms.Right ....but maybe the people I do meet are friends with her,Maybe she's there cousin,who knows....If you leave Rj we will miss you.....May you find happiness where ever it may be,and with whom ever you choose....she is out there...I have a hard time ,like now on the holidays after a new break-up being alone but well...we have to roll with the punches....Have a good one Jo....P.S.Sandra sorry your feelings were hurt,I can always use an extra friend...if you are interested.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 9:42pm
Thanks Jo, you ARE my friend! I just never had that happen to me before, I learn from stuff like that. Sometimes...lol! It's ok if she doesn't like me I still like her anyway. I'm kinda like a boomerang, I just keep coming back. She can't get rid of me that easy. (RJ, you listening???) lol
Hugs, Sandra

Sandr

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