If I'm AWOL

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
If I'm AWOL
45
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 7:34am

Hello everyone,

I've been pondering something for the past couple of months. I've not been pondering it very seriously. But, after this past weekend, I came to a great realization. I'M TIRED OF BEING ALONE.

You know, I've lost the best years of my life being alone. In 2005, it will be 10 years of lonliness. I'm really getting tired of it. I feel as if I've tried everything. Last night, I cried and I cried and I cried.

What am I pondering? I've been thinking about attending a Healing Homosexuality meeting held here in the city. It goes against the grain of what I currently believe, but lonliness blurs the vision. I'm a bit worried about attending such a meeting, but I'm also worried about the life I've become so used to.

For the past 10 years, I've become content with eating out alone, seeing movies alone, and shopping alone. I know, there's nothing wrong with doing things by yourself. But, when that becomes the majority of your time spent instead of the minority, or when you are constantly-always alone, what does that say?

PlanetOut certainly isn't Mecca when it comes to gay dating. If I were to take a poll here, I can bet that there would be few women who would say that they had found Ms. Right on PlanetOut. I don't want PlanetOut to be my only hope. Because, that's not much hope.

Well, it is time for me to go to work now. But, if you don't see me around, you'll know why now. I've not made a firm decision on this yet. But, I felt after spending hours last night crying and wishing I were dead, I would be a good idea to consider a life change and perhaps tell someone about it.

Thank you,

rj

rj

Franco Harris of the Pittsburgh Steelers in 197

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 9:56pm
I have something else to add.... why do you have to leave the board to find your self? It isnt like we are brainwashing you. We are here to be your friend and support you on the things going on in your life... no matter what you decide to do. I have probably as many "straight" friends as gay ones. If there is such a thing as straight!
Mandi
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 10:23pm

rj, I COMPLETELY agree with Jo. When I first heard of these "Healing Homosexuality" whatchamacallits, I was roflmao. It thought it was a joke until I realized that they were for real.


We are who we are. You know how they say "you can take the girl out of the city, but you'll never take the city out of the girl"? Well, You cannot take the gorl out of the lesbian and you cannot take the lesbian out of the girl. Nothing on earth will convince me that "homosexuality" is something that can (or should) be "healed". That's nonsence. Complete and utter rubbish and the freaks that run that show can spend thier time a lot more constructively. The only good I see this doing you, maybe, is that you could meet a hot chic there and fall in love.


Anyway, you thanked me for "being me" last week, and in another post I said "ditto". I love who you are and I will also miss you terribly and cry if you go. *sniffle*. The next time I am in North Carolina visiting folks, I am going to track you down and take your butt OUT. There is no telling me "no", I do not hear the word "no".


Hope you reconsider leaving.


xo



beth




Edited 12/1/2004 12:26 am ET ET by sadie_mc

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 10:41pm

Here's what it says at the top of the board...

Whether you are out and proud, still in the closet, or conflicted about your sexuality, you are welcome here. Join us for fun and support through the good times and the bad.

I think RJ still fits in around here....as she always has.

Sandr

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 11:10pm

rj, ultimately we must follow our own path. I cannot stand in your way, and would not wish to. Just be careful, empower yourself to make choices not because you've no alternative, but because it is the right one for you. You have often mentioned how much you struggle with things, and my heart is heavy every time I read that... we all deserve to be happy, and if you feel your happiness lies elsewhere, allow me to give you a hug and wish you well.

*hugs*

nelle

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 11:17pm
((((((RJ))))))) You know how I feel about you.. You can e-mail me anytime and I do hope if you leave the board for awhile you will indeed keep our ties going.
I can feel your pain and I can understand how you are feeling..
Somewhere within you there is something bothering you deeply.. You have to pin point it /find it, to heal it/answer it..
I, as

 C  >^. A .

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 12:29am
((((cats)))) you have an amazing way with words, and an amazing way with your friends. You are endearing to us here. xo

beth

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 12:37am
((((((((Beth))))))) Thanks Hon..~~~"CAT"

 C  >^. A .

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 7:45am

((((((((rj)))))))) You have to do what you think is best. I hope you will reconsider going to that meeting, I think they are a crock and I think it would be a huge mistake. But you have to decide what is right for you. We will support you in whatever you decide.


Hugs!


~C

Avatar for themadhugger
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 8:11am

RJ


What ever you do and what ever happens, I hope you will always know I think you are a great person and I

*hugs ~ Caly

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 9:34am

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone with a kind word. I cannot reply to everyone right now because I’m on break at work. I think what I’m really looking for is a healing for loneliness. Well, at least Walgreen’s and Blockbuster is open on Christmas day. If all else fails, I’ll be hanging out at Walgreen’s.

Take care,

rj

rj

Franco Harris of the Pittsburgh Steelers in 197