If I'm AWOL

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
If I'm AWOL
45
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 7:34am

Hello everyone,

I've been pondering something for the past couple of months. I've not been pondering it very seriously. But, after this past weekend, I came to a great realization. I'M TIRED OF BEING ALONE.

You know, I've lost the best years of my life being alone. In 2005, it will be 10 years of lonliness. I'm really getting tired of it. I feel as if I've tried everything. Last night, I cried and I cried and I cried.

What am I pondering? I've been thinking about attending a Healing Homosexuality meeting held here in the city. It goes against the grain of what I currently believe, but lonliness blurs the vision. I'm a bit worried about attending such a meeting, but I'm also worried about the life I've become so used to.

For the past 10 years, I've become content with eating out alone, seeing movies alone, and shopping alone. I know, there's nothing wrong with doing things by yourself. But, when that becomes the majority of your time spent instead of the minority, or when you are constantly-always alone, what does that say?

PlanetOut certainly isn't Mecca when it comes to gay dating. If I were to take a poll here, I can bet that there would be few women who would say that they had found Ms. Right on PlanetOut. I don't want PlanetOut to be my only hope. Because, that's not much hope.

Well, it is time for me to go to work now. But, if you don't see me around, you'll know why now. I've not made a firm decision on this yet. But, I felt after spending hours last night crying and wishing I were dead, I would be a good idea to consider a life change and perhaps tell someone about it.

Thank you,

rj

rj

Franco Harris of the Pittsburgh Steelers in 197

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 12:07pm

Sandra,

I want to apologize for hurting your feelings. Please accept my sincere apology.

Thank you,

rj

rj

Franco Harris of the Pittsburgh Steelers in 197

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 1:51pm
No problem RJ! We all have bad days. I understand and I didn't mean to imply you were a mean person or anything. I hope no one took it that way, especially you. If you ever want to talk- you know how to reach me. Hugs, Sandra

Sandr

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 4:48pm

Thank you Gigi. You message was very powerful. One night before going to sleep, which is something I've had trouble doing this week, I prayed. I know this may sound lame, but right after my prayer, a thought came into my head. "Don't go backwards after moving so far ahead."

As much as I would like to make my life simpler by trying to be straight, I don't think I can. I know I could have been dating by now if I were straight. Dating a guy might at first seem like a fix to loneliness, but I know I'll not be able to give him what he needs.

I'm sorry if I've seem evasive towards you.

Thanks again.

Sincerely,

rj

rj

Franco Harris of the Pittsburgh Steelers in 197

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 4:58pm

Thanks for your input Pam. I appreciate it.

Sincerely,

rj

rj

Franco Harris of the Pittsburgh Steelers in 197

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 4:59pm

I appreciate your kindness. I don't know what it is that I need to be quite truthful.

Sincerely,

rj

rj

Franco Harris of the Pittsburgh Steelers in 197

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 5:00pm

Thank you TING.

Sincerely,

rj

rj

Franco Harris of the Pittsburgh Steelers in 197

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 5:01pm

Thank you Kim.

Sincerely,

rj

rj

Franco Harris of the Pittsburgh Steelers in 197

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 5:04pm

Thank you Laurie. Very well put. I do need to work on myself.

Thanks.

Sincerely,

rj

rj

Franco Harris of the Pittsburgh Steelers in 197

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 5:05pm

Thank you Mandi. That was a very sweet message. I agree that a move after school is finished is a must.

Sincerely,

rj

rj

Franco Harris of the Pittsburgh Steelers in 197

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 5:07pm

Jo, I appreciate your time in responding. I've never feared you coming on to me. Unfortunately, a 4 hour drive to Raleigh is something I've had little time for. Thanks for your message. Take care.

Sincerely,

rj

rj

Franco Harris of the Pittsburgh Steelers in 197