If I'm AWOL
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| Tue, 11-30-2004 - 7:34am |
Hello everyone,
I've been pondering something for the past couple of months. I've not been pondering it very seriously. But, after this past weekend, I came to a great realization. I'M TIRED OF BEING ALONE.
You know, I've lost the best years of my life being alone. In 2005, it will be 10 years of lonliness. I'm really getting tired of it. I feel as if I've tried everything. Last night, I cried and I cried and I cried.
What am I pondering? I've been thinking about attending a Healing Homosexuality meeting held here in the city. It goes against the grain of what I currently believe, but lonliness blurs the vision. I'm a bit worried about attending such a meeting, but I'm also worried about the life I've become so used to.
For the past 10 years, I've become content with eating out alone, seeing movies alone, and shopping alone. I know, there's nothing wrong with doing things by yourself. But, when that becomes the majority of your time spent instead of the minority, or when you are constantly-always alone, what does that say?
PlanetOut certainly isn't Mecca when it comes to gay dating. If I were to take a poll here, I can bet that there would be few women who would say that they had found Ms. Right on PlanetOut. I don't want PlanetOut to be my only hope. Because, that's not much hope.
Well, it is time for me to go to work now. But, if you don't see me around, you'll know why now. I've not made a firm decision on this yet. But, I felt after spending hours last night crying and wishing I were dead, I would be a good idea to consider a life change and perhaps tell someone about it.
Thank you,
rj

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I am sorry I came across as leaving the board. I was thinking about going to the group I mentioned. I knew I was feeling very down about being alone. I was equating being alone with being gay. I was hoping to be healed from the loneliness. I apologize for my message not being as clear as it should have been.
Thank you,
rj
rj
Franco Harris of the Pittsburgh Steelers in 197
Well, Beth I certainly don't want you to cry. Anyway, I'm okay. I feel much better than I did on Monday and Tuesday. I appreciate your message. It was very kind and jovial. If you do ever visit NC and I'm still in NC, I would like to go out.
Take care,
rj
rj
Franco Harris of the Pittsburgh Steelers in 197
Sandra,
You are definately one of a kind. I mean that in a positive way.
rj
rj
Franco Harris of the Pittsburgh Steelers in 197
Thank you Nelle. Very kind words.
Sincerely,
rj
rj
Franco Harris of the Pittsburgh Steelers in 197
Big hugs CAT.
You haven't ever judged me. I appreciate that so much. I don't think I can go to the meeting. It just doesn't feel right. I've tried changing my mind and how I feel, but I don't feel like it fits.
Thank you CAT!
Hugs,
rj
rj
Franco Harris of the Pittsburgh Steelers in 197
I agree Beth- she does have a way with words. She is a special person.
rj
rj
Franco Harris of the Pittsburgh Steelers in 197
Thanks for your support. I appreciate the time you took to type this message especially with your schedule. I'm not having a lot of luck with this meeting thing. It is like a shoe that doesn't fit. My energy needs to stick with school and work. So, I feel that I should forget the meeting.
Thank you,
rj
rj
Franco Harris of the Pittsburgh Steelers in 197
You are right Caly. I am the only person who can make me happy. Thanks for those words of wisdom.
Take care,
rj
rj
Franco Harris of the Pittsburgh Steelers in 197
rj, believe me, prayer does work. All I want for you, my friend, is to feel good about yourself, that's all. It really hurts me that your going through this and I know there are not easy answers for you, but sweety, you are who and what you are. I forgive you.
Please, stop putting so much pressure on yourself, your woman will come to you, just as my woman will come to me. All in Goddess's time. Just relax, enjoy yourself, enjoy your life, and just be happy...
Hugs,
Sebastian
http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce
I know it is easier said than done. That is why you need to keep coming here for support.
As you work on yourself you find that everything that you feel miserable about now will start to feel good and like it is ok little by little.
I had to do this as I said before.
I want you to be strong and focus on school, work and yourself.
Then we need to pluck you out of that hole you live in and you will see so many things like never before. You will feel so much better.
Just know that there is truly a light at the end of the tunnel, (and it is not a train.)
Hugs,
from one of your cheerleaders.
My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
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