If I'm AWOL

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
If I'm AWOL
45
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 7:34am

Hello everyone,

I've been pondering something for the past couple of months. I've not been pondering it very seriously. But, after this past weekend, I came to a great realization. I'M TIRED OF BEING ALONE.

You know, I've lost the best years of my life being alone. In 2005, it will be 10 years of lonliness. I'm really getting tired of it. I feel as if I've tried everything. Last night, I cried and I cried and I cried.

What am I pondering? I've been thinking about attending a Healing Homosexuality meeting held here in the city. It goes against the grain of what I currently believe, but lonliness blurs the vision. I'm a bit worried about attending such a meeting, but I'm also worried about the life I've become so used to.

For the past 10 years, I've become content with eating out alone, seeing movies alone, and shopping alone. I know, there's nothing wrong with doing things by yourself. But, when that becomes the majority of your time spent instead of the minority, or when you are constantly-always alone, what does that say?

PlanetOut certainly isn't Mecca when it comes to gay dating. If I were to take a poll here, I can bet that there would be few women who would say that they had found Ms. Right on PlanetOut. I don't want PlanetOut to be my only hope. Because, that's not much hope.

Well, it is time for me to go to work now. But, if you don't see me around, you'll know why now. I've not made a firm decision on this yet. But, I felt after spending hours last night crying and wishing I were dead, I would be a good idea to consider a life change and perhaps tell someone about it.

Thank you,

rj

rj

Franco Harris of the Pittsburgh Steelers in 197

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 9:20pm

Hey Laurie,

I hope it is okay to tell you this. I feel comfortable sharing it with you. I know that lurkers and others can read, but doesn't mean they'll respond.

When I was growing up, my mother was very distant from me. My father was very jealous of her. He wanted me nor anyone else sharing time with her. As a kid, I thought she didn't love me. Unfortunately, I've had issues dealing with this as an adult. Though now she tells me that she loves me, I don't quite believe her. I feel guilty for not believing her. I guess you are wondering where I'm going with this. Well, I sometimes wonder if this would complicate a relationship with a woman. I think sometimes I feel as if I'm not lovable. I know that has to come from those experiences when I was a kid. I wish I knew how to fully resolve it. I would check into some self help books. But with school, I already have way more reading than I have time for.

Anyway, I hope that was okay to share and that it wasn't too much information for you.

Thanks,

rj

rj

Franco Harris of the Pittsburgh Steelers in 197

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 11:27pm
rj, how old are you? I am not familiar with everyone on this board but I do know you have been on for awhile. Have been without a partner for a little over a year, but I went two years without a relationship. Please elaborate on your position.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Thu, 12-02-2004 - 2:36am
Hi rj,
I am certain your experience with your mom has to play a large part in your not feeling lovable. I can see that you would think "If she can't love me why would anyone else love me?"
Have you talked about these things with your mom?
I am sure she loves you and did in the past.
And then there is the thing with the man/father in your life, keeping you and your mom at a distance.
That has to have a lot to do with these issues I am sure.
Makes sense.
I wish you could have a therapist, I don't know where I would be without mine.
How can we find a way to know that your mom loves you?
What do you need to help you see and believe that you are lovable?
Can you talk to your mom?
You need to know that you are lovable.
When I think of little baby rj, not feeling that her mother loved her I could cry.
You are loveable rj.
Hugs,
And thank you for feeling safe enough to tell me that.
Laurie
Laurie

My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Thu, 12-02-2004 - 3:14am

rj~


Sweetie, if you're looking for a cure to lonliness, you need to put yourself in better places. Instead of this Curing Homosexuality group, how about a hiking club or a photography club? If you could make time to go to the 'Curing' group, you can certainly substitute something else, something fun, in its place.


I know you want a gf, not just a friend... but lets think of this in terms of baby steps. Your current routine doesn't bring you near eligible women ( as far as we know)..so it's time to change the routine a bit. Make friends, BE a friend and allow time for that in your life... Who knows what you'll find among your ever-widening circle? ;)


If your answer is that you can't make time for this, that you're too busy, I would ask you this; Would you MAKE time for the perfect woman? Rearrange your schedule, take her on dates? Yes.. you'd do that for someone else, but not yourself? Love yourself first, hon.


Ever your bud
*hugs* ~ Nony

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Thu, 12-02-2004 - 8:12am

(((((((Hugs)))))))


~C

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