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| Wed, 12-01-2004 - 9:54am |
Hi I am new here and need advice, hope I am on the right board.
I very recently entered a relationship with a girl I met at school. All my life I have been straight but with attractions to women that I always pushed aside. I have 4 children and divorced. The woman I am involved with recently confessed that she lied to me about a past relationship she had. At first she told me she was just friends with this other woman, but she has now told me she did have a relationship with her and loved her then but not now. The relationship ended with the other woman the week we met. She told me she lied to me about it so she could remain friends with the other woman. She told me she did not want me to know because I would not have wanted her to stay friends with her. I feel betrayed and very confused about whether I should ever trust her again. And I am also very confused about whether or not I am gay. This woman tells me I am, but after her liying I do not trust her. Should I stay with her or move on? And does this 1 relationship mean I am gay? Please help!
I very recently entered a relationship with a girl I met at school. All my life I have been straight but with attractions to women that I always pushed aside. I have 4 children and divorced. The woman I am involved with recently confessed that she lied to me about a past relationship she had. At first she told me she was just friends with this other woman, but she has now told me she did have a relationship with her and loved her then but not now. The relationship ended with the other woman the week we met. She told me she lied to me about it so she could remain friends with the other woman. She told me she did not want me to know because I would not have wanted her to stay friends with her. I feel betrayed and very confused about whether I should ever trust her again. And I am also very confused about whether or not I am gay. This woman tells me I am, but after her liying I do not trust her. Should I stay with her or move on? And does this 1 relationship mean I am gay? Please help!

Hi Shatterbug and Welcome to Lesbian Life.
CL-Nursepam2000 aka
Ting![]()
Shatterbug, I also would like to welcome you to Lesbian Life. Here's a chunk of chocolate, please, have to drink whatever beverage you may desire. Have a seat on this nice comfortable cyber couch, prop your feet up even! lol! My name is Gigi, by the way,
Welcome to the best place in the whole Village, we are a wonderful and lovely group of women who care very much about you and each other. ---------- and I agree with Pam!
Hugs,
Sebastian
http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce
Hi guys,
Thanks Pam for your advice and support.
I really do not know where to start, I had thought of a lot of things to say before I started this post but now they elude me. So I will start at the beginning, so this may be long.
I am 43, a college student, mother to 4, 3 at home. I met this woman I am seeing in one of my classes. Like I said I have had attractions to a few women in my lifetime but never had a relationship with one until now. Early on, 3 days, this woman tells me she loves me, and I felt a kind of love for her but I realise now that the newness of the whole situation for me was causing me to have these feelings. Also I had this feeling that something was not quite right with her, like she was too good to be true.
The first week we were together we had a lot of long conversations about my feelings of being gay, and she told me I was gay because I had feelings for her. The sexual feelings were strong but I was not ready for more. Keep in mind this is week 1. We were at her house one day when she became very pushy for sex. Telling me I knew she loved me, that I could trust her, etc., basically everything a guy has said before to get what he wants from a girl. I kept telling her I was not ready, eventually she just walked off. Afterwards she apologised profusely.
The 3rd week we were intimate, and I was fine with it. However, she has told me many times that I need to soon tell my children about our relationship. I am definately not ready for this considering I am not sure I could be called gay, and still feel tremendous confusion about it. Also after she lied to me about her past relationship so she could continue being friends with that person has created serious doubts about my relationship with her. To me when you really love someone you do not lie to them for selfish gains. She said she was being honest now and that should count for something. What do you think of that? To me that is meaningless, because she should never have lied in the first place. We hadd numerous talks about the other person and she had to fabricate numerous lies to cover up that they had just broken up.
Since she told me of her lies I have become distant from her and she does not understand why. Also I recently, past few days, have begun mourning my old life and I do not understand how I could be so happy and then be so confused. Does anyone here understand what I mean? I think her lies caused something in me to shift and started me to questioning if I was doing the right thing by being in this relationship. Am I making any sense?
I do care about her but I feel she has pushed me and taken advantage of my "innocence" as she calls it.
I am very confused and depressed by all of this. I do not know how I am supossed to feel, or what I feel. Somehow I feel like I am being controlled by her. I can't put my finger on anything, but she gets pouty if I do not do what she thinks I should, like if I am reading, she wants to talk and then gives me a pouty look. Then she says she is sorry.
I really appreciate all of your support, and feel free to ask questions. Thanks for being here for me
Hi shatterbug and welcome to the board. I think Pam gave you some great advice. Only you can know for sure if you are gay or not, and it will probably take quite a bit of soul-searching before you know for sure one way or the other. I don't think that one relationship means you are, but I do think it is at least possible. This person does not seem like a very good match for you either way though, lying is not a very good trait in a partner. Best of luck in whatever you decide and I hope that we will see more of you around here.
Hugs!
~C
Welcome Shatterbug, I know this is a very confusing time for you. I have been there, sometimes I am still there. One thing you said really hit home with me, when you said you mourned your old life. I do that. Sometimes I wonder what I have gotten myself into. I wonder why this all happened to me. I try not to look back, I get sad. Life is much easier when you are straight. At least for me anyway.
First of all, I hate to hear your new partner being so pushy and demanding. The lie, in my opinion, was deceptive and unnecessary but I can see why she did it. She seems very dominant and possessive and probably thought you might be the same way. If I were you, if you plan to break things off with her, be very careful. From where I sit she doesn't seem like the type to leave quietly.
Don't let her talk you into telling your kids just yet. That is something you should decide on your own because you know them best. You know when they are ready. It is very traumatic and the consequences of discussing this with them prematurely could be grave. When you know what you are going to do with certainty, then research the right way to go about telling them individually in age appropriate ways.
Here are my questions: Where is the kids' father? Are you married? IS their father an active part of their lives? how does he feel about homosexuality? Just wondering, you don't have to tel me if you aren't comfortable.
Come back soon - this is a great place with very smart women that will help you. Sandra
Sandr
I would trust her because she did tell you. Maybe she was waiting for the right time etc. but she did feel she needed to tell you.
I would not let this get in the way.
Many lesbians end up being friends with ex's. You can fall out of love with someone and still love them as a friend.
Being that this lesbian stuff is new to the two of you I am sure you are thinking of it in terms of can woman and man still be "just" friends after a relationship.
Being women we many times find it easy to become friends after the relationship. Sometimes you just realize you are not in love, but you do love the person as a friend.
I would give it a chance.
Hugs, and welcome to the board,
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http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
Only you can say if you are gay. It's not about who you've been with, how many you've been with, etc... it's what is deep inside you, what pushes your buttons, what makes you happy. So many things factor into that, because we sometimes fear the answers, fear what the answers will bring, including what others think. And we sometimes even fear not being sure... all of it gets tangled up and we are left to untangle the various lines to see if they make nice, neat sense. It's weird... once the light bulb has lit over one's head, it all looks so easy in retrospect... but when you are looking for the light switch, fumbling in the dark, it sure as heck doesn't!
As for your current situation, if you've just met her, I find it hard to believe a huge level of trust exists anyway. Certainly it is a caution sign, and I'd tread carefully. It doesn't mean back off, just means be attentive, be observant, be strong, and take care of you.
*hugs*
(((((((Shatterbug)))))))
My dear.
CL-Nursepam2000 aka