Lost and Delirious

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Lost and Delirious
31
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 9:22pm

Hi Everyone. I have a question to put out to you. My girlfriend of 9 months, now an ex...identified as "straight" before we dated. I identify as bi, with most interest devoted to dating women. When she and I met (she contacted me), I told her that because she was straight, we couldn't date (my own dating rule) and she agreed to a friendship. Eight months after being friends, she finally admitted that she was in love with me and wanted to date. By then, my own feelings had changed from friendship to more, so we started to date. From the second month, the relationship was somewhat stormy. She wanted to spend a lot of time with me, but with all her "obligations in life" (family, friends, work, hair/nails appointment, etc), I found that I felt like the "filler" for her schedule. So this created conflict and she eventually gave in--slowly and painfully--to not act this way as much. She then proceeded to tell me that she was in love with me, and I was in love with her, so we became a couple. Three months in, four months in and many fights later, I told her that I did not like being a lie to her friends/family. She had told all her friends that she was dating a guy (me--even though I'm a girl) and now she couldn't bring me into her life because of the lie she'd created. A few weeks later, she came to me to say she was hoping to land a job that would place her in New York City (we live in LA) for a few months. I was devastated, but knew it wasn't my decision to say anything about this--except wish her the best. Before she left for NY, she promised me all sorts of things--we'd talk, visit, fly back and forth, she'd send me care packages, etc. to make the distance easier. This hardly happened while she was in NY, and she was always busy (job was demanding) and she made time for everything else and only spend bedtime talking on the phone to me--and then would have to go because she was too tired. I flew out to see her in NYC once and after a few days of total happiness, she suddenly became withdrawn and would just ignore me. When I tried to talk to her about this, she became angry and blamed me for all sorts of things--none of which explained her behavior. I left NYC early, angry and broken-hearted. After a million emails, we made up. Towards the end of her job, she asked me to go to her family's home for Thanksgiving, but only as her "friend". She said her parents would be accepting of her decision to date a woman, but she wasn't prepared to reveal this to them yet. So I went to her family's, as a "friend". A few days later, she invited me to a party, but only as her "friend". In fact, I even met two of her friends before she left for NY, and while they were a gay couple, we weren't allowed to tell them that we were dating. Over and over, my feelings kept getting hurt and I told her this, but she said I was being impatient. Finally, after all the promises she made that she hadn't kept ("you'll be part of my life, I'll do anything you want, I'll tell everyone"), I couldn't stand it anymore. I was making all these allowances for her in my life, and she seemed to be making none. And she always said it was my fault or that I was impatient and didn't wait long enough for her to work things out.

I know this is not an easy situation for her, but it seemed like I was the only one considering how it must feel for her, and no one was thinking of me and my feelings--including me. After numerous fights, break-ups and make-ups, and tears...etc, I finally told her that we should not talk anymore. Of course, this lasted a week, through which she kept contacting me. But now, by yesterday, I made her promise to not contact me ever again. And a day later, she hasn't yet.

Of course, I'm now torn about contacting her myself...I'm second-guessing myself, wondering if I was impatient, hasty, or what else I could have done or can do to change things. I am in love with her and she says she's in love with me...but don't people do some things that may not be easy if they love someone? I waited for her to return from NY; don't I deserve something beyond the same-old same old from her in return?

I need some advice and feedback. I don't want to be weak and contact her, but this is such a bad time period, too...holidays and all.

Any help would be appreciated. I can handle the truth. :)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 11:17pm


Hello Holly, Welcome to Lesbian Life. My goodness..... hmmmm, well, I can identify with this.... I have a straight female friend that I care about very much. When we first met each other, we couldn't really stand to be apart from one another. We sat down, and talked, I asked her if she ever had sex with a woman and she said, that she did. I asked her if she's ever kissed a woman, and she affirmed that, too. I also asked her if she wanted to do it again, and she said no. Ok, I respected that. But, it seemed real strange that every time she did something, like go bowling,have me participate in her yoga class (she's the teacher), or do anything else, she wanted me to be there. Now I took that kind of attention as her being very friendly.......

But, being a lesbian and she is very attractive, I couldn't help but fall for her. She has blessed me with her friendship, and for that I would never violate that. She now has a boyfriend, but she flirts with me like crazy, and we can't seem to be alone because his family is always around. I couldn't ever expect her to tell me that she likes me for anything more than friendship, but sometimes her actions and words confuse me. I don't want to take advantage of her or I'll lose the friendship that we have, so I just chill.

She's says to me on the phone, that she loves me, but I know it's just a friend telling a friend how they feel. I can't read anything more than what she's telling me.

I suggest that you don't contact her. Let things settle down. When either you or her can think things through clearly, and if the two of you do speak again, then make yourself clear as far as your feelings are concerend, and if she does the same, then fine. And if not, then let her go.

 


Hugs,


Sebastian


 


http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 12:19am
Hi.. Holly_day, and Welcome.. Gee Hon, sounds like she is really not investing in the relationship.. It's really one sided.. You deserve

 C  >^. A .

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 5:14am

Hiya Holly. First of all, I want to offer you great big hugs. Looks like you've been in an awful situation for far too long.


Forgive me, but it looks as if your gf has made you into her 'little honey on the side'. I don't like the way she's treated you and your heart with so little concern.. it makes her selfish in my book. I wouldn't want to condemn her for her inability to be open about your relationship...

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 9:11am

(((((((Holly)))))))


As other posters said, this woman simply has not made room for you in her life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 1:54pm

Hello ladies, and thank you for the wonderful support! You can't believe how good it feels to have my feelings validated--finally! My ex-gf had always made me feel as if things were my fault all the time, that I was 'expecting' too much, and that she deserved to have more time, and more time, and more time...and never mind that the rest hurt my feelings.

Update to what I posted yesterday...I got weak, I called her. I said I thought we should talk, she agreed immediately, came over to see me, and after 2 hours of my explaining how her behavior made me feel, how I understood and accepted my part in the relationship problems, but how I felt that she didn't validate my points...you know what she said? "But you don't understand how it makes me feel." Ummm, didn't I just say I did? So finally I sat there, feeling defeated and finally giving up on the whole thing, and said, "Okay, well, I tried. I'm sorry you're not ready for this, or for me. I just wish you had made that clear 9 months ago, when you said you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me." Of course, ladies, you can imagine I'm completely heart-broken at this point and ready to ball my eyes out...but I didn't. So then she said, "Fine, if that's how you want it." If that's how *I* want it? Then she says, "I love you, I want to be with you, but you pressure me to do things I'm not ready." I said, "Look, if you would give me some time span, say...6 months, a year, something, to include me more into your life with my rightful title as your girlfriend, fine. But don't tell me to 'wait' for forever..because I can't give of myself anymore when you can't even commit to a time-frame." She said, "I understand. Can we just be friends, then?" And I said, "Is that what you want?" She said, "Yes, I want you to be my girlfriend, but I think I disappoint you all the time. Let's be friends" and then she jumps on top of me and tries to kiss me. HEL-LO. Mixed messages!

After 3 hours of back and forth, she says, "I really want you to be my girlfriend again. I love you." Then she tried to get all into hanky-panky, and I said, "Look, let's not turn this into an s-e-x situation, when there are decisions to be made." She said, "I want you back; I want to get back together. Do you want to?" She said this as she proceeded to try to grope and kiss me. I said, "Wait, stop this. This is not a flippant decision; tell me if you really think you can commit to things I've asked you--to be part of your life. Tell me a time period for my waiting..tell me something concrete before you expect me to jump back in. Or do you want to think about it?" She said, "No, I don't want to think about it. I want you back." When I asked again if she's sure AND what was she willing to offer in return, she said, "You know, maybe I should wait and think about it. Because what if I wake up tomorrow and think that I can't do this again?" OH MY GOD!!!! What IS that??

So I thought, forget it. This is someone who will say anything to get what they want in the moment and when they don't, they backpedal all the way into the Pacific Ocean. UGH.

And after more self-inflicted pain--I mean, I called her, didn't I?--I realized, I AM better off without her. When I was sitting there yesterday, thinking I'd lost the person I was "meant to be with" and maybe it was MY fault I didn't try hard enough...this last bit of interaction with her proved it wasn't me. I wasn't crazy. I wasn't expecting too much...and like you ladies said, I just wanted my natural space in her life, which she wasn't and won't give to me.

Hypocrite, right? At least, now I know. Of course, today I'm angry and bold. Tomorrow, I know I'll be sad and lonely and broken-hearted all over again. So I'll be back and I'd love feedback.

You all have made me feel so much better just by saying that I have every right to want what I want. And yeah, she's never really made room for me...not really.

Best part of the convo last night with her? She'd promised that she'd never go out of town again for extended periods of time for work, if we got back together. Last night, as she was asking for us to get back together, I brought up the topic. First she said that she would keep the promise. Then she ammended this and said, "And if I do want to go out of town, you'll come with me." Umm, hello. I have a professional job. She said, "Yeah, we'll discuss it when it comes up." Not.

Geeeez.

Thank you, ladies!! I know not all women are this deluded, so it's good to have that confirmed with all of you.

Hugs back to ALL!

Avatar for cooledbyair
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 6:03pm
hey holly...welcome....well if I may share.I came out at about 22 or 23....my first gf came into my life shortly after....but in coming out I only did so to a few people....not family or my work....
My gf was visiting her friend here in NC....she was from NY.
It was a movie romance basically...we spent two wonderful weeks together...(it began oddly cause she liked all my friends except me,then she got to know me)...she was going back to NY,I drove her back...we stayed there to long,then she ended up coming back with me,lol....finally my friend returns her to NY .My friend was going to stay there and I was gonna move to NY A.S.A.P.....well a week or so later my gf calls and says she wants to come here and skip the semester in college.I told her that was fine.I was living with my mom but she would stay with us until I could find us a place.....Yes it was a very fast paced move in but it was my first love....Well the part that I think of for you(sorry so long,lol) is that I was in the closet.....she was so unhappy with it....yet we lived together...,my important friends knew and well we were returning to NY where she could go back to school and we could be ourselves all the time.
NY was good,yet I had never been away from home.I got so home sick,..my grandmother also was ill.....so I returned saying I would be back,yet I think we both knew I never would....She wanted to keep my dog(YES STRAT!!!LOL)....she didn't of course....as soon as I drove back into NC I realized she was my home and I had to be with her,But in two short days it was already too late...when I got home I realized all those people where not even really my friends...at the point of my break-up they were not there comforting me,....they were no where to be found.....I had been so afraid to be myself around these people and my best friend (who is straight and led me to this wonderful board) told me that if people are your friends,straight or gay they will understand.I know how hard it is comming out and all but when I got back to NC even though I was single and it was too late.I came out to everyone I knew...I understand people hiding it at work for fear of your job yet...I know life is short.....I guess I have no advice but I am just wondering why she couldn't show you affection in front of the gay couple???I would think that would be ok.....just wanted to share,.....Have a great one,JO
Avatar for cooledbyair
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 6:13pm
I should read all the posts before I respond ,man I am slack,lol....well holly yes it is going to go back and forth.....from mad,to hurt ,to worry.....to what have you....I just broke up with someone I really cared for...she lied ...to me and my family and I have gone back and forth ....yet recently she broke the camel's back.....she knows if she returns for any reason I am calling the law........I am sorry you are in this situation....we are all here to listen ,it helps alot to vent......have a great one,Jo
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 9:35pm

Well Holly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 9:49pm

You made the right decision. In the end she has to make a decision to stand up for how she feels... or how she feels simply isn't strong enough to get her to do so, and that is a strong signal to move on.

*hugs*

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 9:56pm
I'm glad you aren't buying it. I don't buy someone saying "I love you, but I am not ready to tell anyone" months after you've met. Baloney. Love is from the heart, and when you know what you feel, you don't play games and put on pretenses.

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