Lost and Delirious

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Lost and Delirious
31
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 9:22pm

Hi Everyone. I have a question to put out to you. My girlfriend of 9 months, now an ex...identified as "straight" before we dated. I identify as bi, with most interest devoted to dating women. When she and I met (she contacted me), I told her that because she was straight, we couldn't date (my own dating rule) and she agreed to a friendship. Eight months after being friends, she finally admitted that she was in love with me and wanted to date. By then, my own feelings had changed from friendship to more, so we started to date. From the second month, the relationship was somewhat stormy. She wanted to spend a lot of time with me, but with all her "obligations in life" (family, friends, work, hair/nails appointment, etc), I found that I felt like the "filler" for her schedule. So this created conflict and she eventually gave in--slowly and painfully--to not act this way as much. She then proceeded to tell me that she was in love with me, and I was in love with her, so we became a couple. Three months in, four months in and many fights later, I told her that I did not like being a lie to her friends/family. She had told all her friends that she was dating a guy (me--even though I'm a girl) and now she couldn't bring me into her life because of the lie she'd created. A few weeks later, she came to me to say she was hoping to land a job that would place her in New York City (we live in LA) for a few months. I was devastated, but knew it wasn't my decision to say anything about this--except wish her the best. Before she left for NY, she promised me all sorts of things--we'd talk, visit, fly back and forth, she'd send me care packages, etc. to make the distance easier. This hardly happened while she was in NY, and she was always busy (job was demanding) and she made time for everything else and only spend bedtime talking on the phone to me--and then would have to go because she was too tired. I flew out to see her in NYC once and after a few days of total happiness, she suddenly became withdrawn and would just ignore me. When I tried to talk to her about this, she became angry and blamed me for all sorts of things--none of which explained her behavior. I left NYC early, angry and broken-hearted. After a million emails, we made up. Towards the end of her job, she asked me to go to her family's home for Thanksgiving, but only as her "friend". She said her parents would be accepting of her decision to date a woman, but she wasn't prepared to reveal this to them yet. So I went to her family's, as a "friend". A few days later, she invited me to a party, but only as her "friend". In fact, I even met two of her friends before she left for NY, and while they were a gay couple, we weren't allowed to tell them that we were dating. Over and over, my feelings kept getting hurt and I told her this, but she said I was being impatient. Finally, after all the promises she made that she hadn't kept ("you'll be part of my life, I'll do anything you want, I'll tell everyone"), I couldn't stand it anymore. I was making all these allowances for her in my life, and she seemed to be making none. And she always said it was my fault or that I was impatient and didn't wait long enough for her to work things out.

I know this is not an easy situation for her, but it seemed like I was the only one considering how it must feel for her, and no one was thinking of me and my feelings--including me. After numerous fights, break-ups and make-ups, and tears...etc, I finally told her that we should not talk anymore. Of course, this lasted a week, through which she kept contacting me. But now, by yesterday, I made her promise to not contact me ever again. And a day later, she hasn't yet.

Of course, I'm now torn about contacting her myself...I'm second-guessing myself, wondering if I was impatient, hasty, or what else I could have done or can do to change things. I am in love with her and she says she's in love with me...but don't people do some things that may not be easy if they love someone? I waited for her to return from NY; don't I deserve something beyond the same-old same old from her in return?

I need some advice and feedback. I don't want to be weak and contact her, but this is such a bad time period, too...holidays and all.

Any help would be appreciated. I can handle the truth. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 11:14pm
I agree with Nony so much. IMO, she is using u when she has none. U need to find someone else that will treat you in a correct relationship. HUGE HUGS to you. Don't bail.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 11:45pm
Geez Holly_day.. This girl sure sounds flighty..
Hard as it is... stick to your instincts.. Your doing the right thing by getting loose from this one.. Don't beat yourself up for falling back though,we all have been there..
Come here for friends support and fun .. vent all ya need..
(((Hugs)))"CAT"

 C  >^. A .

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 12:12am
Hi holly,
I agree with all the rest of the posts here.
I think you g/f is just having a hard time coming out to friends and family. Because of that she cannot give you what you need or what you are ready for in a relationship.
Unless you are ready for a lot of hurt then I would run, do not stop, do not pass go, and do not look back.
You deserve to be in a relationship that makes you happy. If this does not make you happy then I do not think it is "the one".
You lived without her once, you can live without her again.
Do not settle for a relationship that makes you miserable.
Hugs,
Laurie

My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 3:29am

You're all very correct. I deserve better...I deserve more. And I am not even getting an inch ahead in this situation....even after all the promises, apologies, and tears.

Things are even more topsy-turvy now, if you can imagine. Impossible, but true! My ex already came over on Monday to say she loved me--again. She begged for me to get back together with her. When I said, "Look, I'm not gonna bargain with you this time without more give and take. You want me, my heart, my love...and you will give me what?" She asked what I wanted. I said, "I want what you promised. I want to be part of your life. I want to feel that I don't have to lie about who I am. I want you to at least tell some of your GAY friends (she has LOTS of them) that we're together...for heaven's sake, THEY are gay, they won't judge you!" She sorta stood there, thinking...and I said, "Or are you now gonna say you can't do it?" She said, "I can try." I said, "No, you've said that before. At this point, I want better than a 'try'...I want what you promised 9 months ago, and now you can't even do that." Then I said, "Gimme a time limit when things will happen...say 6 months. Can you tell a few of your gay friends about us in 6 months?" She kinda half-smiled and said, "I can try in 6 months." TRY? What is that? She wants my heart and love, my patience and understanding, all of it..up front, and all I get is "I'll try."

So I said that wasn't going to work..I felt it was poor bargaining on my part if I agreed. I said, "Maybe you should think about what you're saying.." and with that she said, "I'll think about it, okay." I'm sitting there, thinking, what's to think about? If you love me as much as you say you do, you can't even give me 6 months before your gay friends are even told? Instead I said, "Yeah, you do that." And she said, "I'm afraid if I agree now, I may wake up tomorrow and change my mind, so I think I will think about it." Now she's saying she could even change her mind? OMG, could she say anything else to hurt me feelings some more? Apparently, she could...

I said, "So you didn't just mean all the I love you's and stuff..that was just, something to say?" She said, "Well, I meant it at the time." O.M.G.

Then she walked out and said over her shoulder that our discussion wasn't over.

We talked on the phone the next day. She "decided" we shouldn't talk about anything and "see how things 'naturally' define themselves." Great. Now we're in the land of obliovious and invisible. Tonight, I had a dinner/movie plan with an old female friend who has wanted us to date, but we're only friends. When my ex found out who I'm going to dinner with, she became angry and said, "Is this a date? Is it? I don't think you should date other people. What does that mean in relation to us?" I said, "WHAT 'us'? I thought we are letting things "naturaly" define themselves, and since we're doing nothing to define things one way or another between us, life will continue to happen on the outside." She was angry at me for having a life, even though she is practically choosing not to participate in my life at all. Makes sense, right? NOT.

SO...after all that, we're nowhere. Just as well. I'm one week away from being completely over her...and this sorry excuse of a relationship.

Ldaies, thanks for all your feedback. I'm glad to realize I'm not crazy for wanting to have a normal relationship...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2004
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 8:13am
You deserve some one that will think of you feeling. Don't do something that will make you unhappy. you sound like a person that is a true freind and puts it all in a relateship. but you have to think about your self too. when you both but something in the love that you share then it will be better. I don't think that she is right for you. your angel is still out there. or if you are not in her life she may find out how much you did for her and how much she needs you and she may change. But you sound to be a sweet person. that someone else would be lucky to have you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 8:47am

Good choices Holly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 6:26pm

OMG


She's counting on you to miss her so much and to worry about losing her that you'll accept whatever rotten crumbs she decides to toss your way..


And what is this 'wake up tomorrow and change my mind' BS?


If you were able to step back from the whole situation, and look at her behaviour, what would

 

Avatar for cooledbyair
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 6:45pm
hey nony.....I had to borrow your post and send it to my friend dating a married woman,hope you don't mind....I was trying to say the same thing in mu post here but didn't say it as well as you...regardless of married or single sometimes it is a bad situation.....I have put myself in many of them and well may get into many more but god I hope not......I think I HAVE TO give up for now if I ever want to find the lady I seek.....but nony I like what you said and well we don't really know one another but I think it was put excellent....I would try not to take it wrong if it were me....LIke my friend dating the married woman...It is so hard to get people to listen...I wish they just knew we were trying to just be a friend....but if it was me in love I probably wouldn't listen until I was ready to either...sorry for rambling,lol....good post.....Hugs to you lost and delirious((((((())))))))we both deserve better as does my friend.....have a good one and keep your chin up,Jo
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 7:30pm
Wow! I think you should stop wasting time on her. She is wanting to many conditions all bennefiting her and none bennefiting you.
You will be sad and hanking in limbo until she decides one way or the other what she wants, and if she knows you will wait then why should she ever make a decision. She will just want to leave it most comfortable for her.
Kick her to the curb while you don't have a lot to lose.
Just tell her this is not your idea of what you are looking for in a relationship.
Then go to dinner with your friend.
Hope all goes well,
Hugs,
Laurie

My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 9:53pm

You ladies are all THE BEST! I come here every day, waiting to read your response, because it's so comforting and validating--something I'm not getting in my ex-relationship. Thank you, all.

Nony, you're right. All of what you said is true and I've thought it, too, which is wh in spite of my heart breaking in not being with her, I could not do that to myself. I couldn't make myself give in to such manipulation and obvious lack of love on her part, and for me to betray myself and give into any old crumbs she throws my way. I stuck it out...even though it hurt like hell.

You know, sometimes the pain of loss hurts so badly, you are almost willing to compromise yourself and all that you stand for/believe in, just to make the hurt go away. It's like a damn addiction and you're going into withdrawl. But I had to kick the habit.

Here's the unbelievable update again:

I tried to act like a friend to my ex. I didn't want to, but I wanted to at least try. I did go to dinner with my other friend and it was really nice. The next day, talked to the ex and she asked how was my "date" and I told her it wasn't appropriate for her to ask that of me. She was angry. I ignored it. I wanted to go out and have dinner, so I asked her to join me (okay, so part of me also wanted to see her, too), and she agreed. She agreed in a very...how shall I say...blah way? Normally, she'd be thrilled and excited etc. This time, you'd think she was going to the grocery store with me. That tone of her voice hurt like hell, but I ignored it. So after work, I got dressed up pretty :) and went to pick her up. She came down dressed as if she was going to the gym--which is not usually her style, but I guess that says what she thinks of being with me now, right? Anyway, she looked surprised at how nice I looked (I always look nice, but I guess she thought I'd dress like her, too?)...and she kept staring at me as I was driving. She looked nervous and awkward and couldn't make eye contact. We went to a restaurant, and she picked it...nice place, fireplace, etc. We sat down and ordered food and she kept staring at me with these big, puppy eyes like she loved me. She mumbeled under her breath, "How come you had to come and look so pretty tonight?" I was confused by this question but she waved it off. We ordered dinner and while things were awkward, I tried to make superficial conversation. About 30 minutes into things, she suddenly said, "When did you get home last night from your date?" I said, "I don't think this is something we should talk about." She insisted and I resisted. She insisted some more, and I told her that unless she wanted to have a normal conversation with me about our previous problems, I was not going to be interrogated by her. She said fine, but then sat there, staring at me...with angry eyes. VERY uncomfortable--this is not what I thought dinner would be. So she told me she was angry, she was also upset that I had "assumed" that her not wanting to talk about things was "misunderstood" as us no longer being a couple (read my last post--it's EXACTLY that). She asked why I hadn't asked for clarification of things and I said, "You told me you did not want to talk about it; my hands were tied." She asked again if I had a date, and I gave the same answer, "I will not discuss this unless we have a conversation." She declined to talk about the other things.

We went window shopping after dinner, and that was okay. I offered if she wanted to go sit in a nice bar place and hang out. She was very agreeable and she picked the place. I drove. We got there and she picked up the line of questioning again--was I on a date? I gave the same answer. Suddenly, she said she wanted to leave and go home. Very odd but okay. I paid the bill and we left. We got to her place and I waited for her to get out. She said, "So this is it?" I said, "I suppose it must be; I really just came to have dinner and hang out, but I'm sorry it had to be turned into an interrogation and make everyone angry. That not the intention." She looked scared, because she could tell by the look in my eyes I had reached my limit. She asked if she could come over to my house the next day (today) to talk and I said we had had every opportunity to talk all night and she didn't choose to; I said I no longer wanted to drag this out another day longer...there was no point.

She then asked if we could somewhere again, to talk? Even though I knew it was pointless, I agreed. So imagine the conversation is not so different from the one we had a few days ago--her wanting to us to be together again and offering nothing but empty promises in return. I just sat there and looked at her and said, "That's it?" She was like, "Yeah." I said, well nothing is different than what it was, so I guess the conversation was over. Back in the car and on to her house--again. When I got there, waiting for her to get out, she started crying, saying how she loved me, she would do anything...please to tell her what I needed from her. I said the same thing, "I want to be part of your life". She said okay, and then she said, "You can have everything you want if you can make your ex meet with me." Long story short: my ex is a beautiful girl, she hates my current ex because she thinks my current is an a-hole to me. My other ex also wants us to get back together--which I won't do because that's too complicated--but she also does not want to have ANYTHING to do with my current ex.

So now, my current asking the "condition" under which she'd give me what I want was to make my old ex meet her--was beyond ridiculous. I told her that was nonesense and CONDITIONAL love, not the real deal. She said, "Too bad, that's what I want." I said, "Wow, I can't believe I've sat here all this time, thinking we had real love, when all we've had is what your version of love is--whatever THAT is." So I asked her to leave my car and she balled her eyes out, begged and pleaded, made me cry and AGAIN...when she thought she had me where she wanted me...she said, "But I want to meet that ex." I thought, omg, this is CRAZY. This is no longer normal--we've just crossed over into the land of the insane.

Ultimately, when I said to her that she was asking for something I had no control to give her, she said, "Then that's that." She got out of the car and slammed the door.

I was in disbelief. ALL of that to come to nothing--again??? As I was driving home at 3 a.m. on the freeway, I thought, she ought to at least finally hear how angry I am at her. I had never really let her have it. I called her on my cell and told her that her version of love was really f****ed up. I told her that if I gave into her manipulative requests this time, it'd be something else next time. I told her if she was trying to make herself believe that this was my fault so that she could live with her heinous behavior, that was her issue, but I also said I'm sure it wouldn't work for her to even delude herself so much.

She denied it all and very flatly was like, "Fine, whatever." When I got home, I said to her finally, "Listen, thanks for your "love" and it was good to know you--whatever that means. Have a nice life." I was so angry and it felt SO good. I hadn't allowed myself to be this angry in MONTHS!

When I got upstairs to my home, my phone rang. It was her. Would you BELIEVE she left me a message, saying, "It doesn't have to be this way, and you know that. Please call me back." OMG!! I just spent 6 hours with her, duking it out over how to fix things and she didn't give an inch. Now that I finally gave up, she didn't like that. As if I'm that idiotic.

I didn't call her back. I had nightmares about her last night. I didn't do much today, but just cried and talked to some friends. My friends think this is the unhealthiest I've ever become and that I need to get away from her--fast! I don't even have fun with her anymore..it's just pressure. My friends have made a bet that she'll call me yet again. I'm not calling her or writing her. This situation is beyond repair and this is as poisonous as it gets.

So...another day, another tear. It's so hard around the holiday season....gawd.

Thanks for listening...