Lost and Delirious

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Lost and Delirious
31
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 9:22pm

Hi Everyone. I have a question to put out to you. My girlfriend of 9 months, now an ex...identified as "straight" before we dated. I identify as bi, with most interest devoted to dating women. When she and I met (she contacted me), I told her that because she was straight, we couldn't date (my own dating rule) and she agreed to a friendship. Eight months after being friends, she finally admitted that she was in love with me and wanted to date. By then, my own feelings had changed from friendship to more, so we started to date. From the second month, the relationship was somewhat stormy. She wanted to spend a lot of time with me, but with all her "obligations in life" (family, friends, work, hair/nails appointment, etc), I found that I felt like the "filler" for her schedule. So this created conflict and she eventually gave in--slowly and painfully--to not act this way as much. She then proceeded to tell me that she was in love with me, and I was in love with her, so we became a couple. Three months in, four months in and many fights later, I told her that I did not like being a lie to her friends/family. She had told all her friends that she was dating a guy (me--even though I'm a girl) and now she couldn't bring me into her life because of the lie she'd created. A few weeks later, she came to me to say she was hoping to land a job that would place her in New York City (we live in LA) for a few months. I was devastated, but knew it wasn't my decision to say anything about this--except wish her the best. Before she left for NY, she promised me all sorts of things--we'd talk, visit, fly back and forth, she'd send me care packages, etc. to make the distance easier. This hardly happened while she was in NY, and she was always busy (job was demanding) and she made time for everything else and only spend bedtime talking on the phone to me--and then would have to go because she was too tired. I flew out to see her in NYC once and after a few days of total happiness, she suddenly became withdrawn and would just ignore me. When I tried to talk to her about this, she became angry and blamed me for all sorts of things--none of which explained her behavior. I left NYC early, angry and broken-hearted. After a million emails, we made up. Towards the end of her job, she asked me to go to her family's home for Thanksgiving, but only as her "friend". She said her parents would be accepting of her decision to date a woman, but she wasn't prepared to reveal this to them yet. So I went to her family's, as a "friend". A few days later, she invited me to a party, but only as her "friend". In fact, I even met two of her friends before she left for NY, and while they were a gay couple, we weren't allowed to tell them that we were dating. Over and over, my feelings kept getting hurt and I told her this, but she said I was being impatient. Finally, after all the promises she made that she hadn't kept ("you'll be part of my life, I'll do anything you want, I'll tell everyone"), I couldn't stand it anymore. I was making all these allowances for her in my life, and she seemed to be making none. And she always said it was my fault or that I was impatient and didn't wait long enough for her to work things out.

I know this is not an easy situation for her, but it seemed like I was the only one considering how it must feel for her, and no one was thinking of me and my feelings--including me. After numerous fights, break-ups and make-ups, and tears...etc, I finally told her that we should not talk anymore. Of course, this lasted a week, through which she kept contacting me. But now, by yesterday, I made her promise to not contact me ever again. And a day later, she hasn't yet.

Of course, I'm now torn about contacting her myself...I'm second-guessing myself, wondering if I was impatient, hasty, or what else I could have done or can do to change things. I am in love with her and she says she's in love with me...but don't people do some things that may not be easy if they love someone? I waited for her to return from NY; don't I deserve something beyond the same-old same old from her in return?

I need some advice and feedback. I don't want to be weak and contact her, but this is such a bad time period, too...holidays and all.

Any help would be appreciated. I can handle the truth. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 10:38pm
((((((Hugs))))))) holly_day..
Ya Know when I read your posts I see a very intelligent person.. You speak what you have to say, very well....
I am sorry you have gone through this and I know the scene.. Been there ,perhaps in a different way of story line but been there..
Addictive bad relationships are just that..
It is an addiction and you are wise to stop and not allow her to pull you in any more..
The wisest people have fallen to such things though,I know.. It's not easy, but, as you are seeing and feeling, it is getting easier ,by seeing how really sad it is..
I can tell you, I let myself go through a bad relationship for many many years, I was addicted!..I am not in it now,

 C  >^. A .

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 10:38pm
I'm just a nobody but between the two posts you made I see she needs to commit. You are willing and able but it seems she is having a problem with identifying herself. IMO, after 9 months you definately should know where and what u want things to be. IMO, I would second guess on the relationship. Seems like you both are new to this area so I feel a concern in the relationship. Be wary of a person who will not give 100%
Avatar for cooledbyair
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 10:54pm
Hey Holly,
sorry about all this and you are so right ....this stuff around the holidays really really stinks...I just broke up with someone also and well all break-ups are bad....I usually date people younger then myself....but the girl I broke up with had just turned 23 the day before she left and she acted like a 12 year old(actually I think 12 year olds are more mature now that I think of it)......Holly things will get better for everyone.I know there are many of us single ladies on the board here and I have hope that each one of us will find our someone one day.......If you ever need to talk ,you can write me.....or if you use a messenger....just let me know and I'll post my info here....we can be mad together,lol.....misery loves company?????lol...have a great one and with some sleep maybe things will get better in the morning....I myself am just concentrating on the people I do have around me...my friends and family....I remeber the people I have lost ....friends,loved ones ,a girlfriend and think how precious time really is..."treasure each moment for it could be your last"....you'll feel better ,you deserve to be treated better...we all do.....Johanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Sat, 12-11-2004 - 12:45am

It's so sad for me to feel so pathetic right now, but I do. Every logical fiber of my being says that what I've experienced is not okay, is unacceptable, and I need to get away...move away from it all.

I know the first few days are the hardest, but I've had way too many "first few days". GAWD, around the holidays, too! This is my favorite time of the year and now it's being associated with misery and heartbreak for me.

I spent most of my day on the phone today, crying to friends: my friend of 22 years, my ex-boyfriend from 4 years ago who is also a best friend now, and a girl I dated briefly who is also now a good friend. I got the same response from everyone: You are better off without this situation; things will get better. You did the right thing to stop this, even though we know it hurts. This person was bad news for you. You deserve better. Please don't go back to this, please don't do it again to yourself.

Yes, I know. Yes, I think so, too. And for many hours in the day, these words of encouragement sustain me. But then come the evening hours, stretching ahead long and lonely for an eternity. I second-guess myself again and miss my ex. I miss her terribly. I feel like an idiot for feeling that way. And then I wonder if I'll ever see her or hear from her again. Then I mentally scold myself for my sad hopefulness, and when I pressure myself to forget, my head starts to pound and my heart physically hurts. Then the tears come out of nowhere...and I'm in hell again.

For someone who rarely cries, I've cried a lot over the past 9 months. I think I've cried more over the past 7 days, more than in my lifetime. I'm driving home from work 3 days ago and am suddenly overcome by sadness, loss, and a sense of emptiness--like I have a big hole in my heart. I shed a few tears, distract myself, console myself, and I'm okay again. I have a few hours of determination and strength, believing I'm doing the right thing, feeling brave and courageous, ready to move on and ahead with my life. And out of nowhere, the empty solitude bathes me in a cloudy mood and I feel trapped inside my own head. My thoughts won't be quiet and the silence in my home and in my heart is defeaning. I want to scream, except I start to cry instead...first a few tears that quickly transform into body-wracking sobs. I don't know why I hurt so much.

I've been in love before, you know. It just never hurt so badly, so deeply, and so profoundly that I nearly lost myself in it.

The worst of it is the memories of the good times we had together: the laughs, the discoveries, the joys of every new look, glance, touch, word...it's all gone. But if I were honest, I probably saw signs of trouble even in all of those, and I chose to ignore them. I don't know what the signs were then, but now, they're all too familiar.

I'm so sad, fellow friends. I don't want to be a downer but I don't feel so good right now. I'm so upset by this, sooooo saddened, so lost in despair that I'm wishing for a miracle that will never be; she will never give me what I want from her. But why didn't I see it? Where did I go wrong? Where did things go wrong with us? Did she ever love me? Does she love me still? Will she forget me? Will she move on soon? Has she already done so? Will she regret her decisions one day?

That would probably be the saddest thing of all: if she realizes that we could have had a good thing and she didn't have enough courage to stay in and fight for it, for us.

Did you know, we used to be friends before we dated? We were good friends for 8 months before we started to date. Do you also know we promised our "forever" to one another? Did you know we planned on getting married, having a family, and a home of our own? We even talked about who would give birth first--and she was fine to go first. I miss that. I never wanted that with anyone, as I'm not as family-oriented as she seems to be, but I wanted that with her--and she seemed to want it with me. She loved her cats and I'm allergic, so I started to get allergy shots so that we could have the cats with us. I'd do anything for her...

Now I start to wonder, did it all mean the same to her as it did to me? Was this just a happy fantasy that she never really meant to participate in? Did she always plan on drawing away from me until I could no longer see her in the fog of pain and hurt that surrounds us? I wonder if she knew this is how it'd turn out to be.

I wonder if she's hurting now, as I am. I wish the pain would stop.... :(

Cooledbyair, you can reach me via messenger on yahoo; my handle is saltyv8

Thanks for listening, everyone. I'd be lost without you all...without this place.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Sat, 12-11-2004 - 12:42pm


Hello Holly, this is Gigi again, you asked some questions, and here is my personal experience.

1.>>>>> She will never give me what I want from her and why didn't I see it?<<<<<<

Ans. I know exactly how you feel, I'm in love with a woman that I have know, biblically and nonbiblically for 10+ years. One afternoon/evening, we went to Borders, sat down, and was drinking some coffee and/or tea. I let her know how I felt about her (even though she knew anyway) I let her know that I wanted to commit myself to her and her only. She said that she wanted to do the same, but she couldn't. (I've know from the very beginning of our "relationship" that she is bisexual, plain and simple). She said that she has had a man propose to her, but she had to turn him down, because that's not what she wanted. So, after being completely honest with each other, we left that table and went into the cds and video section. I sat down in a chair, I looked up and I saw this Goddess in this black leather jacket. But, my friend was standing right over top of me, and guess what she did? She bends over and kisses me on my nose. After she did that, the woman went in the opposite direction. I looked at my friend, and said to her very gently, and with the utmost respect, "could you please look for this particular cd? Thanks. And in an instant, she did as I requested. After thinking about what she did, she came back to me, and said, "I know what we just talked about, and I don't know what came over me, I'm sorry." I looked at her and shook my head and said, "It's ok, but please, don't let it happen again.

2.>>>>Where did I go wrong?<<<<

Ans. You didn't go wrong anywhere. You just went with your feelings and responded with how she approached you. As far as I'm concerned you did what any lesbian (well, speaking for myself) would do. <<<<

3. >>>>>Did she ever love me?<<<<<<

Ans. No, she didn't/doesn't love herself, so how can she love you?

4. >>>>>Does she love me still?<<<<<

Ans. In my opinion, see the above ans.

5. >>>>Will she forget me?<<<<<<

Ans. Does an addict forget how to abuse a chemical, in any form?

6. >>>>Will she move on soon?

Ans. If you don't call her, write her, or talk to her, a day at a time. She will.

7. Has she already done so?

Ans. Let's all hope and pray that she has, lol!

8. >>>>Will she regret her decision one day?<<<

Ans. In my experience, any woman that has left me, at some point in time, and when they are civil enough to talk with me, and me with them, say to me, (and I'm being humble when I say this), "Gigi, I should have treated you a lot better and I should have stayed, I'm sorry, for how I treated you. But you didn't treat me all that great either. But, looking back, I was the one that hurt you the most." And after they would say that, I would say,"I treated you will all of the love, dedication and loyalty, that I could give you. I could no longer take your abuse, and that's what it was, I must admit, I should have left you alone, but I thought maybe something would change, but I guess I was wrong. But I still love you, and care for you, but we can't be together, because we are hurting. Maybe in the future, when we both have healed, and have become a bit more mature, and if we're still single, then and only then will I even consider letting you come back into my life." So, that is one of my experiences with one of the many different women, that I have encountered, in my brief dating and relationship lifetime. But the lessons continue.....

Commment: If you've made it this far and haven't fallen asleep, or lost interest,

I know somewhere, my true love will be there for me. And hopefully I will be worthy of her hand in a relationship and finally in marriage. But, I must be careful about who I let come into my life.

I hope that I have given my thoughts and experiences to you, so that you may try to understand, that this is not the end of the world, but just one of many lessons that you have learned, and hopefully won't repeat again.

Gentle, loving hugs.

Gigi.

 


Hugs,


Sebastian


 


http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Sat, 12-11-2004 - 7:05pm

Aw, thanks for the compliments, Jo. I don't mind a bit that you sent it to your friend, hope it helps, even out of context and all.


I saw the post you've referred to, and I figured your friend was in a similar situation... but in the end you asked about child custody. I really don't know beans about that so I kept quiet.


How are you doing? Your breakup's so very recent, I hope you're doing all right.
*hugs* ~ Nony

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Sun, 12-12-2004 - 4:47pm

Ladies, you're all so supportive. I know I've said it before but I'm saying it again.

Well, just an update on this broken heart of mine: I've made it through 60 hours without making any dumb moves, like calling or text-messaging, or emailing my ex. It's been so very HARD!! I've had to call my friends repeatedly, feeling pathetic while doing it, too...but I've had to ask them to talk to me to get my mind off of the insane rationalization I've been selling myself about why/how it's a good idea to contact her after all. But my friends have been there for me, listening to me re-hash everything over and over...and giving me support. It's so hard for me to ask for help, it really is. But I've been desperate and lonely and so very sad, and even though I feel like I might have been a nuisance to my friends (I hope not), they've listened; some more than others, but there it is.

Today is Sunday and it's a tough one to not think of my ex. When you have a day to sit around and relax, but you're in misery, all you do is hurt...and think...and quesiton. I wonder what my ex is doing and if she's thinking of me at all. I wonder if she wonders about my day.

Last night, I was supposed to go to a big Xmas party, but I was so unhappy that I didn't want to be a party-pooper. I called one of my friends and we went out to dinner/drinks instead. She's going through a similar situation with a straight gal, too, so misery loves company. We talked and talked and talked all night, until about 2. I only had one drink (I'm a light-weight). She made me promise to take a sleeping pill when I got home so I wouldn't sit here and mope around. Though I'm not one for drugs/pills of any sort, I did take one and escaped into the blissful land of sleep for a few hours. Today...ran some errands, made some calls, got some fresh air outside.

Of course, today, I'm also angry for all the hurtful things she did to me. I'm more angry than I've allowed myself to be over the past few months. You know, when you love someone, you tend to overlook all those bad behaviors on their part. But 2 days into having no contact with her, no opportunity for her to manipulate me and my feelings, and I'm sitting here wondering how she could say she loved me in one breath and then not give me anything that showed she loved me in the next. I was short-changed, and she tried to break me...but I've always been independent and strong--the very things she said she loved about me--but those were the same things she tried to take away from me. Why? I don't get it. That isn't love, is it? I loved her and supported her. But I don't know if I ever felt that she supported me. She didn't care enough to want to do it.

And so, this being my 3rd day of holding off in contacting her...and I just might keep it going. My friends are sure that she'll contact me--they don't think she can stand it, this silence. But I'm not so sure. I think, perhaps, we both have finally reached an impasse that even she can't overlook.

The sadness makes me heart ache and her absence is sorely felt...but what else is one to do but go on? It's not even at a point of "one day at a time" but more like, "an hour at a time". And there you are...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 1:17am

Sunday night is nearly over and I'm sitting here wondering: is it really possible my ex didn't love me? No calls, no emails, no contact. Silence on her end...

She said she'd never give up on me...but 3 days later, I can't help but think, she's given up anyway. I want to say, "Just as well" but my heart hurts when I even think it. And this big knot in my stomach won't go away. UGH. :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 10:09am

(((((((Holly)))))))


I know it hurts but don't psych yourself into calling her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Tue, 12-14-2004 - 4:35am

Pam:

You're right. That was the real test, and she failed miserably. Thank you for that feedback. I'll keep thinking it to myself when I feel lost and nearly break down and call her, trying to understand "where I went wrong". I didn't.

Thanks. :)