Lost and Delirious

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Lost and Delirious
31
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 9:22pm

Hi Everyone. I have a question to put out to you. My girlfriend of 9 months, now an ex...identified as "straight" before we dated. I identify as bi, with most interest devoted to dating women. When she and I met (she contacted me), I told her that because she was straight, we couldn't date (my own dating rule) and she agreed to a friendship. Eight months after being friends, she finally admitted that she was in love with me and wanted to date. By then, my own feelings had changed from friendship to more, so we started to date. From the second month, the relationship was somewhat stormy. She wanted to spend a lot of time with me, but with all her "obligations in life" (family, friends, work, hair/nails appointment, etc), I found that I felt like the "filler" for her schedule. So this created conflict and she eventually gave in--slowly and painfully--to not act this way as much. She then proceeded to tell me that she was in love with me, and I was in love with her, so we became a couple. Three months in, four months in and many fights later, I told her that I did not like being a lie to her friends/family. She had told all her friends that she was dating a guy (me--even though I'm a girl) and now she couldn't bring me into her life because of the lie she'd created. A few weeks later, she came to me to say she was hoping to land a job that would place her in New York City (we live in LA) for a few months. I was devastated, but knew it wasn't my decision to say anything about this--except wish her the best. Before she left for NY, she promised me all sorts of things--we'd talk, visit, fly back and forth, she'd send me care packages, etc. to make the distance easier. This hardly happened while she was in NY, and she was always busy (job was demanding) and she made time for everything else and only spend bedtime talking on the phone to me--and then would have to go because she was too tired. I flew out to see her in NYC once and after a few days of total happiness, she suddenly became withdrawn and would just ignore me. When I tried to talk to her about this, she became angry and blamed me for all sorts of things--none of which explained her behavior. I left NYC early, angry and broken-hearted. After a million emails, we made up. Towards the end of her job, she asked me to go to her family's home for Thanksgiving, but only as her "friend". She said her parents would be accepting of her decision to date a woman, but she wasn't prepared to reveal this to them yet. So I went to her family's, as a "friend". A few days later, she invited me to a party, but only as her "friend". In fact, I even met two of her friends before she left for NY, and while they were a gay couple, we weren't allowed to tell them that we were dating. Over and over, my feelings kept getting hurt and I told her this, but she said I was being impatient. Finally, after all the promises she made that she hadn't kept ("you'll be part of my life, I'll do anything you want, I'll tell everyone"), I couldn't stand it anymore. I was making all these allowances for her in my life, and she seemed to be making none. And she always said it was my fault or that I was impatient and didn't wait long enough for her to work things out.

I know this is not an easy situation for her, but it seemed like I was the only one considering how it must feel for her, and no one was thinking of me and my feelings--including me. After numerous fights, break-ups and make-ups, and tears...etc, I finally told her that we should not talk anymore. Of course, this lasted a week, through which she kept contacting me. But now, by yesterday, I made her promise to not contact me ever again. And a day later, she hasn't yet.

Of course, I'm now torn about contacting her myself...I'm second-guessing myself, wondering if I was impatient, hasty, or what else I could have done or can do to change things. I am in love with her and she says she's in love with me...but don't people do some things that may not be easy if they love someone? I waited for her to return from NY; don't I deserve something beyond the same-old same old from her in return?

I need some advice and feedback. I don't want to be weak and contact her, but this is such a bad time period, too...holidays and all.

Any help would be appreciated. I can handle the truth. :)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 12-14-2004 - 10:19am

Right.

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