Is my wife bi-sexual/lesbian?

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Registered: 12-03-2004
Is my wife bi-sexual/lesbian?
5
Wed, 12-15-2004 - 5:24pm

I have some confusion regrading my wife's sexual orientation. She has always claimed to be interested in men, however I've come to believe that this interest is based on what she thinks her friends, family, and society expect her to have.

Here are the behaviours that have me confused. Our sexual life has never been what I'd call passionate. She doesn't get excited on her own, so we use KY everytime to avoid bleeding and pain. She does have an orgasim, but it seems to me like she's doing it mostly for my benifit and to perhaps scratch an itch. Secondly she develops this severe anxiety while we are making love. She'll be so tickish that I have to force her legs apart at her request if we are to have sex.

I guess the part that really got me thinking was when we had a conversation about male sexuallity. To her it's gross and disgusting to even hear about a man masturbating, but with when it comes to women, it's a perfectly natural thing to her. Also she does have a great amount of anxiety and aversion to touching my member. Also she has said that if she were drunk enough she would have no problems making out with another woman. I think she's telling the truth, but she may also be saying it to appear worldly.

She's aware that most of the women i've been with have been more sexually active with me, and she is self conscious about it. This makes bringing this topic up a very sore one. I have asked her if she was gay before, and got a very violent no. I tried to talk to her about it an objective way, but because we're married and she's terrified of losing me, she refused to admit that she might even just be curious.

One thing I should note is that she has been on anti-depressents to varying degree's throughout our relationship, which could account for lack of sex drive, and excitment. The whole thing about guys being gross during sex though is still troubling though...

Am I just misinterpreting her behaviour or is she bi? If she is bisexual, what can I do? I don't want to lose her either, but i'd rather have her as a best friend, than a husband who has her trapped in a marriage that she might end up resenting. Plus i'd like to find out now rather than when we have kids...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Wed, 12-15-2004 - 7:50pm

Hard to say, you know so much more than can be summed up in a post on a message board. Given what you have posted, here are my thoughts...

If she is bisexual, then she is attracted to men and women... I doubt you would hear terms like "gross" unless she were joking with you. And not being interested in passionate sex with a guy can be a sign of other issues... namely having been raped or molested along the way. Unfortunately it is more common than we would like to think.

And if there is something deeper in terms of her orientation, it is not an easy thing to admit to, given we grow up in a world that is rather down on same sex partners. Most of us have been through a ringer once or twice sorting out our heads and hearts, and once we tear ourselves asunder with that process, the real battle begins.

Another thing to consider... is she self concious about meeting your expectations? If someone pointed out I was lacking, it would immediately be like throwing a wet blanket on me... partners need to guide and educate each other, help them be relaxed and enjoy... make sure it is about both being satisfied and enjoying the intimacy.

If none of that is the case, then she might well have to look deeper, and as a friend and lover, providing a safe space for her to find her truth is the very best you could do, no matter the final result... this isn't meant to be presumptious, etc... but with this you also have to be prepared for her truth being she loves women, and that would mean you also have to be strong, confident, and knowing it is no reflection of you.

I like your concern, that you seek answers... a good place to start. You will get many different perspectives on this board, and hope somehow we help you both.

*hugs*

nelle




Edited 12/15/2004 7:52 pm ET ET by rayeellen
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Wed, 12-15-2004 - 8:38pm

As far as I know she's never been molested. I have been with several partners in the past who have been, so I have the slightest experience in dealing with those types of objections. Usually patience, and love is what it takes to get past stuff like that, and this certainly doesn't feel like something like that.

She is very self conscious about how she is with me, and I try to do my best to let her know that I find her extremely beautiful and sexually attractive. I try to be tactful with my advances and be respectful when she's not in the mood.

The other thing I should probably mention is the timming. I've never broached this topic until we had the conversation about how she feels about male sexuality. Right after she mentioned that is when I seriously asked if she was gay and got the violent response. She was really mad that I could even ask her something like that.

I am very willing to give her a safe place to explore, I just don't know how I can broach the topic while getting her to keep an open mind about it. I really think that she's scared of the label's that society would put on her. She's probably terrified that all of her friends and family would look at her differently. Plus there is our marriage. She was raised cathloic, so there is the fear of getting a divorce, and how her family would look at that. Also we're best friends. I've never met anyone who could figure out what I was tryin to say, and she does it without thinking. She's perfect for me, and if I was female I could say the same.

If she is homosexual I wouldn't have a problem with it at all, because I know it's not a person that is responsible for a change in someone's sexual orientation. Also I have no hang ups, as I've had many gay friends, and am not at all uncomfortable with it.

I love my wife more than life itself, and the thing I want more than anything else, is for her to be happy. And if that means it has to be with another woman then so be it...

So how do I start a serious conversation about something like this without making it seem like i'm totally convinced. How do I let her explore without intruding or pushing it on her?

Thank you very much for your feedback. I'm pretty much relying on finding someone else who has gone through something similiar, and can help...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Wed, 12-15-2004 - 9:00pm

You sound like a very caring partner...

how to talk about it? There is no easy way for you to, she has to find her way there. Nothing someone else does can connect the dots until we see the dots. In her mind, if this is an issue, she might well deny seeing any. I knew the dots were there, and still denied them... trying to get myself to believe and get through. I'd not prod her. Just file it into a place for later recall.

>>I am very willing to give her a safe place to explore, I just don't know how I can broach the topic while getting her to keep an open mind about it. I really think that she's scared of the label's that society would put on her. She's probably terrified that all of her friends and family would look at her differently. Plus there is our marriage. She was raised cathloic, so there is the fear of getting a divorce, and how her family would look at that. Also we're best friends. I've never met anyone who could figure out what I was tryin to say, and she does it without thinking. She's perfect for me, and if I was female I could say the same.<<

This says much... if she wrestles with such an issue. Again, I'm not prepared to make such a call, it's just too tenuous a conclusion. If you do suspect she is attracted to women, keep the above in mind. Think of how such a view would affect how you feel inside. It tears some apart... some learn to get past it, some learn to deal with it, and others never do. What counts is her finding what works for her in this world. And I mean that in terms of her issues... you need to do what works for you as well, within your own world.




Edited 12/16/2004 9:30 am ET ET by rayeellen
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 12-16-2004 - 2:11am

Hi xolotl and welcome to LL.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-17-2004 - 7:15am

It's possible that she's been molested and repressed that, in which case she can't tell you..but sexual intimacy would produce feelings of anxiety.

Bottom line though..only she can define who she is, and no amount of guessing on anyones part can determine that for her.

Perhaps y'all need to go to couples counseling...a safe place to explore many aspects of relationships.

Sherri