Need input / counseling NOW!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Need input / counseling NOW!
24
Tue, 01-04-2005 - 12:09pm

Hello - I also posted this in L relationships board , but no one was there... I hope that it is a more active one. I am here, pondering life's choices and wondering if I can use you guys as a sounding board???

Here's some historical info first... I have been in a relationship with the same woman for almost 10 years. We have had our ups and downs, bought several houses together, moved a few times and now have 3.5 year old twins that we conceived through A.I. They are both "ours" as the state we lived in at the time had co-parent adoption law. Before this relationship, I was in another short-lived one for 1.5 years. That was the first relationship with a woman that I was in. So, I have only really been with 2 women - ever. Lately, with the trials and tribulations of parenting, we find that we fight a lot more(we are both "the silent types" so that usually means we don't speak to each other)and we never have sex. Sometimes, we will go a week without even kissing each other. She complains to me about this, but I find that I am not interested in sex and don't find myself that attracted to her anymore. Nowadays I fantasize about other people (including L Word cast and characters!!!) and find myself attracted to other people... so I know that there is a sex drive in me somewhere...

Lately, I have started to participate in a local theater group. We are putting on a production in February, and I am the volunteer asst. stage manager. I find myself attracted to the director. Even though she is not that attractive to me, she has paid me special attention, and it has made me curious. She is definitely "family" and has led me to believe that she is "interested" by touching my knee... emailing me about meeting for lunch, etc. These things have nothing to do with the theatrical production, it is usually on the premise that we are both graphic designers and she is interested in my seeing some of my work. I find myself nervous in her presence and thinking about her all the time.

I am supposed to meet with her today for lunch (on the premise of talking about our work) but I find myself keeping this information from my partner. My partner has asked me if there are any other lesbians in the cast and crew and I told her that I thought the director was and some other people, but I didn't tell her that I have been emailing this woman. My partner has been very understanding and supportive of me and my hobbies and I feel so guilty about even thinking about someone else in this way.... We have a wonderful family, a great home and friends - all of which I would lose if I pursued this. But, I find that I have an underlying unhappy feeling lately and I have been on anti-depressants as a result. Could all these feelings be a result of the drugs?

Aynway... I just thought this would be a good place to vent. I don't have any close friends that I can talk to because everyone I know, is also friends with my partner. Please give me some honesty - or a kick in the pants if you feel that is necessary!!

Thanks....

Raven

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Tue, 01-04-2005 - 12:39pm

Hello Raven, my name is Gigi. I'm not a counselor nor am I a therapist. I can only give you my life experience.

The problems between you and your partner is something that you both should resolve yourselves, by sitting down and talking things out. It's good that you aren't saying anything mean or nasty to each other, but silence can be just as deadly. It's also good that you aren't using sex as a weapon, believe me that's not a good idea either, because then it can be used as a method of abuse, and that's not what sex is for. I suggest that you ask yourself some questions before you step outside of your relationship, like: Do I really want to destroy my relationship? Do I really want to cheat? Do I want to try to work things out with my partner? What kind of example am I setting for our child? Do I really love my partner enough to try to work through this?

It's really easy to blame anti-depressant medicine, or any other drug, legal or not, for inappropriate behaviour. The best thing to do is to look at yourself and your actions. You were probably given the anit-depressants for a very good reason, so please, take them as prescribed and please seek continue to seek professional counseling.

Those are just a few suggestions, and oh, by the way, Welcome to Lesbian Life.

 


Hugs,


Sebastian


 


http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Tue, 01-04-2005 - 12:56pm

Thanks for the feedback... I know that it is always a problem with L relationships - it seems that we only address the issues with our partners (whether it means leaving the relationship or entering counseling) when we are noticing someone else. Grass-is-greener syndrome. I do not want to destroy the relationship - but I guess I need to ask myself what I would be getting out of this friendship with this other person, and can I be honest with my partner about it. I know that it would make her inherantly jealous if I was up front about my curiosities, and I know that it would destroy her to think that I am not attracted to her sexually anymore. I do not blame the medicines, I was the one who thought that I was depressed and I am still not sure if they are helping me.... but I feel like only time will tell. I have been in counseling before when my partner and I were having infertility issues and I was questioning the relationship then. Come to think of it, that coincided with a "crush" too.

Thanks for the welcoming.. it feels good to "talk" to third parties...

Avatar for themadhugger
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Tue, 01-04-2005 - 1:41pm

Hi Raven!


Welcome to Lesbian Life.

*hugs ~ Caly

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
Tue, 01-04-2005 - 2:23pm

Welcome to the site. I agree w everything that igentleheart has said to you. SHe's a smart person.

The Grass is Greener syndrome is a scarey place. I have always wished that my ex-partners would have a great reason for leaving me.... ie, no sex, or bad sex, or that I was verbally abuseive etc....I lose them to the grass, there are always other women that catch their fancy. Sounds like your partner complaining about no sex, is still interested in you. That's a good thing. If someone has the answer to why people fall out of love, I think they would be rich. A problem with some relationships is, there is always one person who doesn't value the person they are with. If you value your partner, then it would seem to me that you would look for way's to renew the lost spark...I think it was Garth Brooks who said that "happiness comes from wanting what you have, not what you don't have".

What was the attraction in the beginning? What have you both done to change the humdrum routines that you have settled in? I find that people grow closer together when they have common interests and goals. Create a new dream....for each other.

I'm glad to see gay couples make the commitment to have children. Twins sound like fun, they also are at a very tiring age. Children are no doubt a great interference in any relationship. However, they are your legacy, and some day they will be grown and it's you and your partner that they will call family. You are their childhood memories. Make them good memories together.

Buy a bottle of wine, hire a sitter, plan a romantic evening filled with fun and laughter, and tickle your partners fancy. If she doesn't tickle yours, then tell her what you need to make that happen. You owe it to her and yourself to at least try. I always think how easy it is for one person to walk away when there is someone waiting to hold them. The Green Grass is the cheaters way out. Anything worth having is worth working for, ten years and a good home are hard to replace. Good luck whatever your choice may be.

halo

hugs

halo

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Tue, 01-04-2005 - 3:04pm

Update...

Thank you so much for the support. Before, I wrote that initial message, I think I was in a quandry about how to handle this "lunch-date" that i had planned with my director friend. I think she truely wants to get to know me - with or without any sexual aspect of it. Though I am happy that she wants this friendship, I have to deal with the problems that my partner and I have on a whole different level. Before this lunch, I made the decision to just be honest with my new friend and tell her that I am in a relationship with someone and that we have two kids together. This will give us the chance to be just friends - which is what I need - and maybe what she needs too.

Now I am back from the lunch and I feel better about things and not deceptive at all... We talked mostly about the play, our work and some personal things. I think she got the picture that friendship is what I am offering and at the end of our lunch said that it was nice to get to know me better. I think that if I were interested in pursuing something else, she would be interested, but I don't think I am ready to throw away everything that I have now - out of some curiosity. On some levels, I think my partner has been "waiting for this to happen" in that she thinks that I am curious about being with other women, since I have so little experience. Though i tell her that I am not, I know that I am - in an effort to spare hurting her. Not sure how to handle that within the confines of our monogamous relationship. She is quite older and has done the whole dating thing already...

You are right on about the priorities and trying to do it all. I know that our relationship has suffered because we both work full-time, take care of two very needy kids and we are always tired. Sometimes a life of freedom from the ordinary is what is most attractive about someone else. Sometimes I feel trapped in the life of domesticity - even though I thought it was what I wanted....

I think I need the counseling - I am on the meds for depression mainly because my primary care doctor was eager to prescribe them when I told her how I felt. On some levels they make me feel better, but the side effects (tired and queasy feeling sometimes) are not fun. I have gone to a therapist in the past and it did help, so maybe I will try to start that up again.

I just don't want to be one of those textbook stories of a L who doesn't end one relationship before starting another one... I know I have a handle on this attraction to my director, and I plan to be honest with my partner about the friendship because there really is nothing to hide. If my partner and I really start talking about things, I think there are questions I am afraid my partner will ask me... "Are you still in love with me?" "Are you still attracted to me?" and my response, "I don't know." would kill her. SHe has never questioned herself and professes to be completely devoted... These are my worries....

Thanks for letting me vent, and for the support.

-raven

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Tue, 01-04-2005 - 11:56pm
Hi Raven and welcome.. You got a lot of great advice from the other posters and I did read your last post where you did have the lunch.
Hope you keep coming here to aquire more friends even if we are cyber..we

 C  >^. A .

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 1:31am
Hi Raven.
My name is Laurie. Welcome to the board!
My partner and I have been in our relationship for 7 1/2 years.
We have been going through the sexless relationship thing for awhile now. I have had a crush on someone. I would not choose to cheat though with anyone. I am still in love with my partner and she is with me. We have talked about this so many times. Turns out we have both gained some weight since we have been together and that we both feel a bit ashamed of our bodies (during sex.) We no longer feel attractive and we notice each other's weight gain as well. So now that we were able to admit this what we felt was shallow and embarrassing matter, we begin Weight Watcher's on Monday with a couple of our friends who have been having the same problems in their relationships.
If there is a problem like this with your relationship, I suggest talking delicately about it.
I was thinking that maybe our relationship was coming to an end, but we both still love each other very much.
Also if you get involved in a different relationship, the same thing is likely to happen in that relationship when things get to relaxed.
So we feel that after talking to my mom and some friends, most relationships go through periodic blahs. We choose to go through the blahs together and figure ways to cure them.
I have been in many other relationships from 3 months to 1 year to 8 years and now almost 8 years again. I have figured out that the grass is not greener. This partner and I are also best friends and soul mates.
We just dedicated one room to a work out room and have bought some used equipment. We have started working out together with music or TV. and will begin our weight watchers diets monday. She already picked up the booklets today.
Everything we do together keeps us closer and the things we do not do together keep us intrested in talking about those seperate things.
There are some really messed up people out there and it took way to many relationships to find this one.
The new one you are thinking about could end up in disaster and you will have given up 10 years and your family all for nothing.
Most relationships work great in the beginning. All the excitement of the newness and getting to know each other. Both being on your best behavior for as long as possible.
Then you realize that...hey, this person burps and farts and has quircks too.
They might even have a bad temper and it won't show until you are hooked.
You will see the new person at their worst too eventually. In the beginning you both dress to attract each other then after awhile one of you will not feel like washing your hair or taking a shower and look like crap and the attraction factor will start to go down hill.
Then suddenly you will notice that the toilet paper roll is hung upside down, and she has morning breath. Eventually you will get back to reality and sex will not be everyday because someone will be to tired or moody or mad at you for something, like hanging the toilet paper wrong and not respecting her.
The grocery shopping and house cleaning will need to be done and both of you won't have anymore vacation days or personal days to take off because you were up so late having hot sex. Or making love.
Someones dog will pee or puke on the carpet or the litter box will need changed. Someone will be to stressed out to think about sex.
Trust me, it happens no matter who you are with. What you have to decide is who are you willing to share these things with in life. Because these things are reality and just a part of life.
See, I have found that most women are the same, we bloat, retain water, have gas, cramps, mood swings, cry sometimes, yell sometimes, pout sometimes when we do not get our way (even though we might deny it), have hot flashes at seperate times and battle over the thermostat, have our own ideas about how to decorate the house or organize things, sqeeze the toothpaste in the middle, maybe even and God forbid, leave a toothpaste clump in the sink because we are running late, occasionally leave that one curly hair on the shower soap even though we didn't mean too. Get busy or a bit lazy and let the house work go a bit too long, leave a dirty dish on the counter top, spend a bit to much on themselves, and by the second winter it is everyone for themselves when it comes to warming up the car and brushing off the snow. You will both run to the car when it is raining. The dog or the kids will wake you up to early. Someone will toss and turn at night keeping the other awake with each move. The bills will have to be paid, dishes washed, cooking to be done, doctor appointments and work to go to. Granny kisses when you are running late. You won't always go grocery shopping together, or want to watch the same movies.
Again you just have to decide who you want to experience these things with in life.
The honeymoon phase will always slowly dissipate at times. Then there will be times when you will look at your partner and think you are the luckiest person in the world and talk about the days when you were just getting to know each other and enjoy watching a movie together or light candles and have a romantic dinner to celebrate another anniversary.
Leave a little love note for her to find because you were running late.
In my humble oppinion relationships are like tides, they ebb and flow no matter which beach you are on.
Laurie

My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 2:15pm

Usually, I am just a lurker on these sites and not much of a poster. But every now and then a specific post will appear and I feel the need to respond.

I have been in your situation recently....A couple of months ago, I ended my 6 year relationship. Because I thought the "Grass was Greener". I had met a woman about a year ago who I was instantly attracted to. It became clear that the attraction was mutual and although I did not see this woman on a daily basis or even weekly...I could not get the attraction out of my mind. Eventually after struggling with it for several months, I caved in, ended my relationship, and immediately began dating this "other woman". Now, I did not cheat on my partner, which doesn't make my situation any better, but it does bear some inkling to me that maybe I'm still somewhat of a "good person" because at least I ended my relationship before I took the next step. I should have known that this other woman was strictly going to be a "rebound" and that it would not amount to anything significant. We only dated for about 6 weeks and I haven't seen or spoken to her since. I am having a very difficult time getting over this other woman...which seems to make no sense to me...we only dated for 6 weeks..how could I honestly have a difficult time accepting her rejection when it was only a 6 week fling? It is amazing to me that I seem to be more hurt and upset about this ridiculous fling than I am the ending of my 6 year relationship. I feel stupid discussing it with my friends so I don't really have much of an outlet to vent my feelings and frustrations about my entire situation. On top of it all, I carry a heavy load of guilt about how I handled this whole mess. I basically told my partner it's over, and I never looked back. She was completely devastated, humiliated, and shocked that I could just take off with no apparent "reason". We now have no contact with one another until we both can put everything into a clearer perspective. I feel like such a fool. While ultimately, I don't regret ending my relationship, I do regret the way I handled it and the choices I made, and I'm certainly paying a price for those mistakes. I had slipped into a pretty severe depression, couldn't get out of bed and wasn't sure I going to make it through the days. But, 3 months later, I seem to be coming back to life a little bit each day and while I don't think I deserve many good things to happen to me right now, I do hope that some day I can forgive myself for my mistakes and have a brighter future. For now, it's definitely best that I stay single and alone for a while and put serious thought into my actions over the last few months and how I can learn to not make the same mistakes in the future.

Good Luck to you Raven! I'm sure you'll do the right thing!

Avatar for lafaye_ak
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2003
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 2:50pm

Laurie,

That was a fabulous post! And more real than anything I could ever hope to write. I'm sure there are many ladies here now taking a quick walk down memory lane; who before, like myself, were thinking, you know what...this relationship doesn't work for me anymore.

Thanks girl...

That was awesome!

Lafaye...

(Raven, if this didn't help, NOTHING WILL!!!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 3:23pm

Wow - thank you so much for your heartfelt response. You said so many meaningful - TRUE things about the ups and downs of long-term relationships. We have all been through those trials and tribulations, add 10X factor for trying to raise toddler twins together and hating the fact that she goes days without changing a diaper!

On the other hand, I think my partner and I both have some self-esteem issues, but I don't think that body image is the root of our problems. We have both gained weight over the years, but I think I am the one who is effected mostly from that since I was one who was pregnant. For some reason she is still attracted to me! I guess for me the strain of everyday life and nitpicking the little things is starting to grate on my nerves. Most of the time when we are together, I am just grouchy and in a bad mood because of the little things that she says, does or doesn't do when it somes to the kids... I keep the anger inside most of the time which just makes it build.

We've always had these communication issues, but lately I think it has gotten worse. We both work long hours - she travels for work so is out of town sometimes 3-4 days a week. We are also living somewhere that is a little isolated and all the friends we have in the area are "hers" or were hers before we got together. This puts a tremendous amount of pressure on me and our relationship... that I don't have anyone to talk to who wouldn't be judgemental. I can always talk to my sister, but she has her own relationship/marriage issues and her son has cancer.

I think that over time all this holding it in has made me have physical symptoms that my Dr. has just treated with the anti-depressants. I have chronic headaches, bad periods etc. and no one can seem to figure out what it wrong, except to prescribe drugs like the ADs and the pill. Any other lesbians out there who is taking the birth control pill? Silliness...
Anyway - this board has helped me a lot in the last few days. I will keep checking in and thanks again. Back to work...

-Raven

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