Need input / counseling NOW!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Need input / counseling NOW!
24
Tue, 01-04-2005 - 12:09pm

Hello - I also posted this in L relationships board , but no one was there... I hope that it is a more active one. I am here, pondering life's choices and wondering if I can use you guys as a sounding board???

Here's some historical info first... I have been in a relationship with the same woman for almost 10 years. We have had our ups and downs, bought several houses together, moved a few times and now have 3.5 year old twins that we conceived through A.I. They are both "ours" as the state we lived in at the time had co-parent adoption law. Before this relationship, I was in another short-lived one for 1.5 years. That was the first relationship with a woman that I was in. So, I have only really been with 2 women - ever. Lately, with the trials and tribulations of parenting, we find that we fight a lot more(we are both "the silent types" so that usually means we don't speak to each other)and we never have sex. Sometimes, we will go a week without even kissing each other. She complains to me about this, but I find that I am not interested in sex and don't find myself that attracted to her anymore. Nowadays I fantasize about other people (including L Word cast and characters!!!) and find myself attracted to other people... so I know that there is a sex drive in me somewhere...

Lately, I have started to participate in a local theater group. We are putting on a production in February, and I am the volunteer asst. stage manager. I find myself attracted to the director. Even though she is not that attractive to me, she has paid me special attention, and it has made me curious. She is definitely "family" and has led me to believe that she is "interested" by touching my knee... emailing me about meeting for lunch, etc. These things have nothing to do with the theatrical production, it is usually on the premise that we are both graphic designers and she is interested in my seeing some of my work. I find myself nervous in her presence and thinking about her all the time.

I am supposed to meet with her today for lunch (on the premise of talking about our work) but I find myself keeping this information from my partner. My partner has asked me if there are any other lesbians in the cast and crew and I told her that I thought the director was and some other people, but I didn't tell her that I have been emailing this woman. My partner has been very understanding and supportive of me and my hobbies and I feel so guilty about even thinking about someone else in this way.... We have a wonderful family, a great home and friends - all of which I would lose if I pursued this. But, I find that I have an underlying unhappy feeling lately and I have been on anti-depressants as a result. Could all these feelings be a result of the drugs?

Aynway... I just thought this would be a good place to vent. I don't have any close friends that I can talk to because everyone I know, is also friends with my partner. Please give me some honesty - or a kick in the pants if you feel that is necessary!!

Thanks....

Raven

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 4:09pm
Raven,

mom to 4 kids and in love with the most awesome and beautiful woman in the world!

 

Avatar for lafaye_ak
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2003
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 4:21pm

Hi Mom...

I was wondering if you could give a bit more info about the phuto and progesterone. My GF had a full hysterectomy and now she's on Premarin, and that stuff is poison to say the least. She suffers more from side effects than any positive effect the estrogen supply gives her. I was wondering if something more gentle would work better for her. Most days she doesn't take it for fear of the side effects. And you can definitely tell when she hasn't taken it.

Sorry to usurp your post Raven...

Thanks...

Lafaye

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 5:35pm
Lafaye, thank you for your kind words in ref to my post.
I guess so many of us go through the same things. While going through our slump I have questioned alot of couples who have been in marriages or relationship for over 20 years and some who seem to like to move in and out of relationships. It just seems like it all goes the same way. I am glad that we have decided to go through it together and that we still are in love.
I think it would be very lonely to keep moving on to new relationships everytime the newness wore off. That way you would never find a life partner.
Just my oppinion.
Hugs,
Laurie

My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 5:45pm
Hi Ravens,
I won't even pretend to know what it is like to have real kids... we have 5 dogs.
We do take turns slacking off with taking them outside or feeding etc. We decided it's ok because we have each other to pull up the slack when the other needs a break.
Can you just tell your partner you need a diaper break for a bit and could she handle it for a few days and you will do the same for her sometime or that you could both do diapers so one person doesn't have to do it all the time.
It does sound like you have hectic schedules but communicate with each other in a nice way over coffee or drinks.
I sure hope you can work things out, but also I know that you cannot fake being in love.
Keep us posted my friend. This is a great place for posting things like this so you do not have to go to your/her friends about everything.
Take care and hugs,
Laurie

My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 11:22pm

Lafaye,


mom to 4 kids and in love with the most awesome and beautiful woman in the world!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 10:31am

I think I could use that supplement info too (rubyjliamf@yahoo.com) ... I just turned 36 and my partner is 45. She has been having menopausal symptoms and is now on the pill to try and control them. I have been trying to get her to go to my OB/GYN because I think he is more "up on the issues" than our primary care Dr. but she is going to see her on the 10th of Jan. to re-visit her problems (moodiness, irregular periods, etc.)and evaluate if the pill is helping her. We also tried herbals and changing our diet, but we weren't very good at sticking to it.

I have PCOS (poly-cystic ovary syndrome) and my OB/Gyn is trying to get me to go on the pill to regulate my periods and lessen my symptoms - I get really bad PMS headaches. There are new treatments for PCOS that regulate the insuling resistance that comes with it, but my OB/GYN tested me for that and I don't have it... so back to square one. So we all have our health issues to deal with - some more than others.

I have started to look for a lesbian friendly counselor in this area so that I can talk to someone about our relationship issues. I really am starting to feel "trapped" by my life and unable to accept that this is what its all about. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids, but I feel like I have lost my identity as a person in our household. Everything that I do is wrapped around my children and keeping our "household" together and moving forward. Sometimes, I want to be just me - not molded into the single identity of a couple.

My partner and I feel bitter towards each other because we both feel we deserve a break and don't take advantage of them when its offered. My partner has been understanding and "let" me get involved in this theater group on top of the fact that I already have season tickets to a local college basketball team. I have outside interests yet she makes me feel guilty for doing those things. I try to get her to show some interest in activities outside the house, but she never takes me up on it. It's like she can't get motivated or doesn't have any outside interests of any kind. Sometimes I feel like we have nothing in common except for our kids. It's like she has to make me feel guilty because she is stuck at home and if I get defiant about it, she gets nasty. For example, this Sunday I have play rehearsal in the morning from 9-1 and then I also have tickets for basketball at 6:30. She has basically told me that I have to "choose" between the two because I can't do both. So, understanding that she might need a break, I said why don't you use my ticket and go to the game (thinking that she might want to get out with some of our friends, even though she is not a huge basketball fan) She looked at me like I was crazy... I feel like I have another Mother sometimes.

I have been thinking about what someone on the board said about thinking about what it was that attracted me to this person in the first place and try to revive that feeling. I think about the time we first met, I was 25 and she was 34 and I looked up to her. I thought of her as a "take-charge" kind of person, who was assertive, self-confident and self-assured. That person is no longer there... and I don't know why. Early in our relationship, I assumed that role instead of her. I think that is why I find myself attracted to this director friend of mine. She is all those things that my partner once was...

Now, I don't know if I can get that feeling back. Can't go backwards in time.

More venting, I guess. Thanks again for giving me such good feedback - this board is great!

-Raven

Avatar for lafaye_ak
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2003
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 2:55pm

Just callin' it like I saw it Laurie. I feel the same way about my relationship. I try very very hard to go back and look over the last two years to the very beginning, to the thing that got us together in the first place; an unbelievable connection that just blew my mind. It's just hard trying to hold it all together, keep that essential "thing" alive in your relationship. Sometimes I want to give up, and say okay, not working. But I don't.

Lafaye

Avatar for lafaye_ak
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2003
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 2:57pm
Thanks so much!!!
Avatar for lafaye_ak
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2003
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 3:13pm

Maybe I just don't see the link, or the page isn't loading, or I haven't been here in so long I've forgotten how to do anything on this website but:

Where exactly is the link to check my ivillage mail?

LOL!!!

Thanks,

Lafaye

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 5:33pm

Lafaye,


mom to 4 kids and in love with the most awesome and beautiful woman in the world!