Need input / counseling NOW!
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| Tue, 01-04-2005 - 12:09pm |
Hello - I also posted this in L relationships board , but no one was there... I hope that it is a more active one. I am here, pondering life's choices and wondering if I can use you guys as a sounding board???
Here's some historical info first... I have been in a relationship with the same woman for almost 10 years. We have had our ups and downs, bought several houses together, moved a few times and now have 3.5 year old twins that we conceived through A.I. They are both "ours" as the state we lived in at the time had co-parent adoption law. Before this relationship, I was in another short-lived one for 1.5 years. That was the first relationship with a woman that I was in. So, I have only really been with 2 women - ever. Lately, with the trials and tribulations of parenting, we find that we fight a lot more(we are both "the silent types" so that usually means we don't speak to each other)and we never have sex. Sometimes, we will go a week without even kissing each other. She complains to me about this, but I find that I am not interested in sex and don't find myself that attracted to her anymore. Nowadays I fantasize about other people (including L Word cast and characters!!!) and find myself attracted to other people... so I know that there is a sex drive in me somewhere...
Lately, I have started to participate in a local theater group. We are putting on a production in February, and I am the volunteer asst. stage manager. I find myself attracted to the director. Even though she is not that attractive to me, she has paid me special attention, and it has made me curious. She is definitely "family" and has led me to believe that she is "interested" by touching my knee... emailing me about meeting for lunch, etc. These things have nothing to do with the theatrical production, it is usually on the premise that we are both graphic designers and she is interested in my seeing some of my work. I find myself nervous in her presence and thinking about her all the time.
I am supposed to meet with her today for lunch (on the premise of talking about our work) but I find myself keeping this information from my partner. My partner has asked me if there are any other lesbians in the cast and crew and I told her that I thought the director was and some other people, but I didn't tell her that I have been emailing this woman. My partner has been very understanding and supportive of me and my hobbies and I feel so guilty about even thinking about someone else in this way.... We have a wonderful family, a great home and friends - all of which I would lose if I pursued this. But, I find that I have an underlying unhappy feeling lately and I have been on anti-depressants as a result. Could all these feelings be a result of the drugs?
Aynway... I just thought this would be a good place to vent. I don't have any close friends that I can talk to because everyone I know, is also friends with my partner. Please give me some honesty - or a kick in the pants if you feel that is necessary!!
Thanks....
Raven

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Hey Ravens,
Just a personal observation here. Read this paragraph that you wrote...
<<< I have been thinking about what someone on the board said about thinking about what it was that attracted me to this person in the first place and try to revive that feeling. I think about the time we first met, I was 25 and she was 34 and I looked up to her. I thought of her as a "take-charge" kind of person, who was assertive, self-confident and self-assured. That person is no longer there... and I don't know why. Early in our relationship, I assumed that role instead of her. I think that is why I find myself attracted to this director friend of mine. She is all those things that my partner once was...>>>
Then go back and read the other paragraph that you wrote before that one...
<<< It's like she has to make me feel guilty because she is stuck at home and if I get defiant about it, she gets nasty. For example, this Sunday I have play rehearsal in the morning from 9-1 and then I also have tickets for basketball at 6:30. She has basically told me that I have to "choose" between the two because I can't do both. So, understanding that she might need a break, I said why don't you use my ticket and go to the game (thinking that she might want to get out with some of our friends, even though she is not a huge basketball fan) She looked at me like I was crazy... I feel like I have another Mother sometimes. >>>
Sounds take charge and confidant and self assured to me...
Then we have the "Director", just the title sounds take charge...
I think what I am trying to say here is that maybe your partner hasn't changed so much as you have or are at least trying too. Because of the trapped feeling maybe you are trying to go backwards and recapture the single carefree life that you once new only now you are older and wiser. I think it would be safe to say that many couples especially those with children go through this.
Do you like that your partner from what it sounds like is still self assured and taking charge in your lives? You eluded to the fact that you feel you have lost your identity.
Would that change if you started seeing another take charge person?
Do you feel that getting involved with another person would give you the chance to find your identity or just meld into another we identity?
Just some things to maranade on. I hope I did not step out of bounds here. I just like trying to help.
Hugs,
My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
All the other movies I watch once, maybe twice and then I feel like I need to see something new.
I think it is kind of weird how sometimes relationships can be that way.
Maybe it is emotions, changes, I don't really know. I do know that some people stick it out forever and others feel like it is time to move on.
Such a mystery, lol.
I wish you the best and hope things will work out for everyone here having these issues.
Hugs,
My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
Thanks - no worries about going out of bounds. The best part about boards is that you can really tell it like it is - and I can take it or leave it...
You've made some valuable points... and I think I have learned a lot this week. I had my lunch with the Director and it went fine, strictly business talk and getting to know each other without any flirting or inappropriateness. I was honest with my partner about the lunch and she has expressed interest in meeting her too. I am looking at my theater experience as a way for both of us to meet new people - instead of me having a completely separate activity.
You said:
"Because of the trapped feeling maybe you are trying to go backwards and recapture the single carefree life that you once new only now you are older and wiser."
I think my problems is that I am not older and wiser! Ever since I came out, at age 23, I have been with someone. There was the first woman I was ever with and that relationship lasted almost a year and a half. In the end she was abusive and i was into therapy for quite a while. I went from that relationship right into the one I am in now... and ten years later we are still together. So, in a sense I never had the freedom of dating, being single and have fun, and I think I missed out on some things. I used to coach rugby at a local college and I would sometimes hang out with the players at the bars and parties,etc. I was so jealous at their brazen "outness" and how confident they were. My college experience was closeted and all about me hiding from my true identity. I have a lot of regrets about that time period in my life - pretending to be straight. When I was coaching, I was "married" with two small kids at home, and it was my escape to live vicariously through them sometimes...
You said:
"You eluded to the fact that you feel you have lost your identity.
Would that change if you started seeing another take charge person?"
You are right on there... No it wouldn't change if I just went on to another relationship - I think it is just the idea of having the freedom to make those decisions, that is attractive. I feel I am getting involved in new things, meeting new people, and I like the idea of not having to report back to someone all the time. When my partner is away for work, I am finding that I am quite happy when I am alone, or with my kids alone.
But, when she is home, I feel differently (better about us) and we are generally content with each other. Disagreements flare up on a regular basis, but there are happy times when she is home and the kids are so happy to have her home too.
We have talked over the last few days about her getting out and doing things to give her a break from the kids. This Saturday, she is going to her sister's business to help her out, doing some filing. She said she is looking forward to it. I said good, that it will do her some good to get out and do something for herself. She said that she knows that she has to stop giving me a guilt trip for getting out - so at least she has admitted that she does it. A step in the right direction.
Thanks for all the positive and helpful feedback about my original post. It is helping!!!
-Raven
I can certainly see your point.
I hope all works out for you.
Take care,
Hugs,
My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
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