I need to talk

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
I need to talk
48
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 11:42am
I love Brandi with all my heart but I feel like we are more like best friends that anything else. She told me last night that we only had sex 1 time all last year. It is true. I was pregnant a lot of the year and was high risk and then you have the post partum time and all that but I dont know why we arent now. Even before I got pregnant we didnt have sex. It was either me not wanting to or her. We cant seem to get it together. When we first got together she didnt want to cause she wanted to cause she thought it would ruin what we were trying to start. Then she said she didnt want to so I just stopped asking. I have always been pretty much a "self" nympho. I dont sleep around and never really have but i have been pleasuring myself since I was 6 (when I figured out what the hand held shower massage was really for!) and still do very often. Well now it is to the point where it is weird to even talk about sex with her. It seems like we are new again or something. Well, that and we have 2 kids. Even when they are at Grammy's house we find excuses. I hate it. I love her and I know she loves me so why is it so weird? I want to have sex with her so bad but I cant initiate anymore. I was shot down too many times I guess. I need help getting out of this. How can I start a conversation about it without it being strange? Thanks for listening and sorry i havent been around much. It is so hard to find computer time when Jeremy wanted to be on it all day but he is back in school today.... YAY!
Thanks again, Mandi

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
In reply to: mjewell52
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 12:59pm

{{{{{{{{{{Mandi}}}}}}}}}}. >>>>>I have always been a "self" nympho<<<<, well that sounds like me! lol! But that's only normal for me, I'm sorry I know you're probably being serious. The relationships that I have been in haven't always be completely sexual, I've always known that there is a balance in everything. There have been times that my partner and I have just held each other, or cuddled. In a way it was satisfying but, I always wanted more.

I used to be a security guard, and I would sometimes work long hours. Of course, I was just sitting there, but it does get to be boring. Of course, I had my days where I didn't want to be touched at all, shocking, isn't it? Sometimes, we would have arguments and then I wouldn't want to be anywhere near her. We would fight over her accusing me of cheating and that wasn't the case at all. Even though Brandi may have her reasons, may I suggest that you two sit down and talk about the issue.

Even though I'm not a sex therapist, lol! (which is one of my goal's), My suggestion is when you two are alone, do some non-sexual things like: a gentle back rub, massage her head, light kisses on the lips at night before you go to sleep, even just lightly rubbing her body, avoiding her sex organs, (believe me, it has a way of arousing a woman!) Sometimes the actions that are done, speaks louder than the words that are spoken Self-pleasuring is wonderful, yes it is. I do it quite often and that's just to release the tension and take the edge off of my own strong sex urge. It comes with the territory of being a "self" nympho, lol! But there are times when I just let it build. I'm not saying that I go out and seek "help" (I have a girlfriend, now, but she lives in West Virginia). Sometimes I email her some very, very, very, hot erotic stories. I always ask her how she liked them and she says that it gets her all hot and bothered.

I hope that helps you out with your situation. It's good to see you again, and please come around as you can.

Hugs!




Edited 1/5/2005 1:01 pm ET ET by igentleheart

 


Hugs,


Sebastian


 


http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce

Avatar for lafaye_ak
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2003
In reply to: mjewell52
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 2:30pm

Hi Mandi,

I can understand exactly what you mean. My GF and I are the same way though hers is a result of a medical condition. But I still feel as if she doesn't even make an effort towards me anymore. We decided a while back to get a libido enhancer for her. She never takes them. And when she does it is at the most inopportune times (when my son is up and running about) and that's not going to fly with me. I'm not having sex with my son apt to walk in any minute. And even if we lock the doors I can't concentrate for thinking about him. It seems like a no win situation and let me be frank; the shower head has also become my best friend. Sometimes I feel like I'm cheating, and with an inanimate (well not SOOO inanimate) object. I remember one day I laughed myself silly when I thought, "My god, I'm having an affair with my shower massager!!!"

But a girl has to do SOMETHING. I'm not dead after all. We've broached the subject of sex so many times that now I simply let it go. We don't talk about it anymore either because the whole conversation gets twisted and we wind up fighting about it. She complains now that I don't initiate; well no one would when every time they do they get rejected. The last two nights are perfect examples. We decided to make a "date night." My son is with his dad this week. There's no one here but us. Now she's not interested anymore. So, I said forget this. Did what I have to do, and forgot about it.

The only advice I can offer is this; and it's from my own personal perspective: Pick a night when you haven't been fighting, when both of you are feeling okay about everything in general. Crawl into her arms or pull her into yours and just say Babe, we need to talk. There's something that's really weighing on my heart. And when you have her attention, let it out. Be kind, try to stifle the resentment, I know it's hard, but try anyway. And if you don't get satisfactory results, you need to evaluate how much sex means to you in this relationship. I've decided to do this same thing. Tonight if the atmosphere is right. Because I can tell you Mandi, one day you're going to start having thoughts that don't involve a shower massager and when that happens all that's left is to act upon it. I've never acted, but I've thought and that is dangerous enough by itself. Please let me know how you are .... I can sympathize with you hon.

Make a decision for you. You have children and you've been together a long time so you definitely have to think about that. But sex is a big part, not all , but a big part of a relationship. I tried the rubs and soft strokes and all I got was a lit cigarette and her turning onto her side. Even though you may have no intention to initiate sex, they feel like you are. It didn't work for me, but try that. Everyone is different. My GF is big on cuddling at night, holding each other close. And there was a time when that was wonderful. Now it's painful because the instant she gets close to me, my body is like a bonfire and I can't handle it. I move away. I'd rather her not touch me at all than for me to lay there in agony. She doesn't understand. Why would she? SHE doesn't feel anything. Oiii... I need to close this post, I'm getting all worked up and this isn't about me. Mandi, I hope you get different types of advice that will help you. I'm a little biased...(and bitter lol!!!!) I hope it goes well for you...

Good luck!

Lafaye




Edited 1/5/2005 2:36 pm ET ET by lafaye_ak
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
In reply to: mjewell52
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 6:17pm
Hi mandi it's good to see you again.
My partner and I are going through the same thing. She has almost no libido and does not want us to break up or me to cheat.
Sometimes I just go shopping to the adult toy store. She never objects to that. But I know what you mean, it is not the same as a live person.
We talked about it so many times and finally admitted it was a body image thing since we have both gained some weight over the years. Neither of us wanted to mention this problem feeling like we were being very shallow but you need to get to the truth because it is the only way you can figure out how to fix it. Either that or no more sex or move on.
I am also a self nympho. This seems to be such a common thing in relationships. I have read the clashing libidos board and it just seems to happen in all relationships.
Not sure but maybe some people just get board with it or still love each other but lost that attraction factor due to weight gain or stress, or fatigue or many things. I just told my partner that we better get to the root of the problem because I didn't know if I could handle being in a sexless relationship. I was honest and told her I have started to fantasize about other women sexually. She cried, but we got to the root of the problem and we are working on our bodies and working out.
She swears she would be lost without me and I feel the same about her.
So we just have to try and become more phksically attractive to each other and become more confidant in our own bodies.
I am hoping that this will help us.
I know it is not fair to cheat but I do not know how fair it is to expect your partner to give up sex when they have a high sex drive.
We shall see I guess,
Hugs,
Laurie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
In reply to: mjewell52
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 12:44am
Mandi,
My opinion on this is so different than the other girls, I guess because I am not a self-pleasurer/nympho type. I guess I have a low sex drive. I have the most beautiful woman in my life, and I love her, but sometimes I just don't want to have sex. She could weigh 100 or 500 lbs and it wouldn't make a difference. It's not personal, it's just me. But that isn't what I was going to say anyway...what I wanted to say is, sometimes when people have been together a long time it's not exciting anymore. There's no challenge. Try changing something, make things new - go somewhere. New relationships are fun, and exciting. But love changes. Making love has to change too. That's just my opinion, like Gigi, I am not a sex therapist.
Hugs, Sandra

Sandr

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
In reply to: mjewell52
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 12:56pm
Thanks for the advice. I am gonna sit and talk with her tomorrow night when the kids are at Grammy's for the night. I am afraid cause it seems every time we try it turns into an argument over who wants to and who doesnt. I will try to make it not so judgemental. Love is so hard! Thank you again, Mandi.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
In reply to: mjewell52
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 1:03pm
I know exactly what you mean about the son being up and running about! Seems like every time we are both wanting to do anything intimate Jer is up or he is asleep and Jas wakes! I wish there was a button we could press and both come alive when we have time and energy! We tried to do the date night but we end up playing playstation or something like that. Well we have the night to ourselves tomorrow and I plan to sit and talk with her about this. Hopefully we can get over whatever is holding us back. Thank you for the help and understanding!
Mandi
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
In reply to: mjewell52
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 1:19pm
That is another thing...toys! I love toys but she "claims" not to. We used them in the beginning but said she didnt like them when not in use. I love toys and need new ones. She refuses to even go into an adult store! I even took her and she stayed in the car. Like anyone there can say anything!!!
Also another thing is phisical. I just had a baby almost 6 months ago... I am not the same as I used to be and I am not comfortable. Brandi isnt comfortable with herself either. I exersize occasionally and want to more but she doesnt want to. I still eat like when prego and I try hard not to but it is hard. I am not overweight for my height but I definitly have leftover baby fat and hardly any muscle. maybe I can convince her that if we work out together we will fell better about ourselves and each other. Thanks a bunch. Never thought about it like that before. Mandi
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
In reply to: mjewell52
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 1:25pm
You give me what I think of as Brandi's view of things. Since I have known her she has said that she just doesnt care about sex. It really sucks on my part though cause I do. Well, maybe with all of you guy's advice put together I can work all this out with my girl. She is my life and we have been together a long time and it is obvious that we love each other.
thanks a lot, Mandi
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
In reply to: mjewell52
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 1:30pm

Hey Mandi, I can understand about trying not to argue about different sexual desire levels. I've approached one of my past girlfriends, (when we were dating), and she was a bit testy about it, but after being calm and having an open mind, and some understanding about how she felt. I had to ask her: what it was that I was doing, or maybe she wanted a certain act done in a different way. That way it made me become a better lover.

Hugs!

 


Hugs,


Sebastian


 


http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce

Avatar for lafaye_ak
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2003
In reply to: mjewell52
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 2:30pm

I posted to Mandi's post the other day about sitting down to talk to my GF about this same problem. Lord it was disastrous. I was gentle, but honest and told her some of the same things you had. All this time I've felt like such a freak; you know, like the prime focus of our relationship for me has become sex. And I know it's because of the lack of, but still. I walk around feeling like those stereotypical hormonal men with a severe case of humpilitis or something. I feel horrible that I have such strong urges and there's nothing I can do about it. But we talked, she cried profusely, and we ended up fighting. How I don't know when I tried so hard to keep us on track with the subject. So now I don't know what to do. Mandi, good luck hon, I hope your talk went better than mine.

I know it is going to be hard for me to be in a sexless relationship. I think I got 2 hours sleep last night and my dreams were, let's just say, of a nature to where I pray I didn't talk in my sleep last night.

How do you deal with this? How do you get your partner to see how it's affecting you?

It's such a sensitive issue. Laurie I feel you girlfriend.

Lafaye

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