I need to talk

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
I need to talk
48
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 11:42am
I love Brandi with all my heart but I feel like we are more like best friends that anything else. She told me last night that we only had sex 1 time all last year. It is true. I was pregnant a lot of the year and was high risk and then you have the post partum time and all that but I dont know why we arent now. Even before I got pregnant we didnt have sex. It was either me not wanting to or her. We cant seem to get it together. When we first got together she didnt want to cause she wanted to cause she thought it would ruin what we were trying to start. Then she said she didnt want to so I just stopped asking. I have always been pretty much a "self" nympho. I dont sleep around and never really have but i have been pleasuring myself since I was 6 (when I figured out what the hand held shower massage was really for!) and still do very often. Well now it is to the point where it is weird to even talk about sex with her. It seems like we are new again or something. Well, that and we have 2 kids. Even when they are at Grammy's house we find excuses. I hate it. I love her and I know she loves me so why is it so weird? I want to have sex with her so bad but I cant initiate anymore. I was shot down too many times I guess. I need help getting out of this. How can I start a conversation about it without it being strange? Thanks for listening and sorry i havent been around much. It is so hard to find computer time when Jeremy wanted to be on it all day but he is back in school today.... YAY!
Thanks again, Mandi
Avatar for lafaye_ak
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2003
In reply to: mjewell52
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 2:36pm

LOL!! Yeah, that's another thing. We used to have a virtual store of our own, but after her surgery she threw them all away. She said they were old, but I know better. And lately (last six months or so) she's been compulsively eating and she's gained some weight. But I could care less about that. There's always been a chemical attraction between the two of us. I try to let her know that it doesn't matter to me. But I wonder now that I read the last two posts about self image if some of that could be the problem. I used to work out faithfully 5 days a week. She never did with me, but I didn't care. I mean I'd ask her, but if she didn't want to, that was okay. When I became depressed I stopped, and started eating too, put on some weight. The last couple of weeks I've been working out like mad, losing the weight and now it's in my mind that maybe she doesn't feel attractive anymore. But I don't know how to give her that feeling, if at all. All I can do is encourage, suggest lovingly, and let her know she's still the sexiest woman I know.

Back to the drawing board!

lafaye

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
In reply to: mjewell52
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 3:14pm

We talked about it so many times and finally
admitted it was a body image thing since we
have both gained some weight over the years.


I guess there are advantages to entering a relationship as BIG grrls.

Kim
Check out my

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
In reply to: mjewell52
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 5:22pm
My Heart goes out to those of you that posted in this thread about the problems between your partners and yourselves..
I can feel for you..
I don't share that problem

 C  >^. A .

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
In reply to: mjewell52
Fri, 01-07-2005 - 1:45am

<<< She refuses to even go into an adult store! I even took her and she stayed in the car. Like anyone there can say anything!!! >>>

Mandi, sometimes you just crack me up!
We both love going to the toy store! Now though, her toys are even neglected. They look at my toys all jealous.
I just make my trips to the toy store nowa days and pick what I want.
As far as the physical part, I used to be in the military and very active in working out and playing tennis and softball even in the years I have been out of the service. The past 8 years though, I have needed a knee replacement, they do not like to do them when you are to young, and I have back injuries from a bad attack when I was in the Navy. These injuries have gotten worse over the years and I am not very good about working out at all.
I eat like I am still working out too.
Well we just bought new used equipment and dedicated our back room to physical fitness.
I am just doing it for me and my own self confidance. If something sexual happens because of it then I bonus, but I am not holding my breath.
Good luck!
Hugs,
Oh and PS... Incase we get into a car accident and die I just put her initials on the toys! Lol. I like to tell her that. Haaaaaa

Laurie

My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
In reply to: mjewell52
Fri, 01-07-2005 - 2:02am
Ohhhh lafaye, our talks went like that too. Now we just don't talk and are taking action to get fit. I never mention sex unless I need to go to the toy store for supplies.
I am going to take care of me and maybe she will feel more like having sex once we both get fit and more confidant about our bodies. I won't count on it because I don't want anymore rejection. So if it happens it happens.
My hetero friend Art said if he were a girl he would be a prostitute. My first thought was, OMG what if nobody stopped for me. That's how I new something was really wrong with my self image. I mean, I watch COPS, I see what toothless messed up people those men pick up but I thought "What if they don't want me", not OMG I could never do that! Of course the thought crossed my mind about being a lesbian prostitute, lol. But, that went over like a tird in a punch bowl.
Oh well. I know what you mean about feeling like a freak and a stereotypical hormonal male.
I don't think they understand that it is not just the sex but the human closeness and intimacy. That is the closest you can get to someone. It is very hard to have to realize that you may never experience that again.
I better stop or I will start feeling so sorry for those of us who have to deal with it.
Take care,
Hugs,
Laurie
Laurie

My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
In reply to: mjewell52
Fri, 01-07-2005 - 2:09am
The main thing I can think of saying right now is, THANK GOD I AM NOT DRINKING COFFEE!!
That sound like an adult video, Big Girls Scrompin'. hahaha.
I think I need to read that book!
I am just tired and feeling like a perve bringing this subject up to Sheila anymore.
She says she is happy and would be ruined if I left her. She says we have a perfect relationship that will last forever. Hmmmmmm. I have to admit that everything else is perfect.
It is a tough position to be in.
Thanks for the info on the book, it sounds very interesting.
Hugs,
Laurie

My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
In reply to: mjewell52
Fri, 01-07-2005 - 2:23am
Hi Lee,
You and I have had this disscussion before.
I know it must be pretty yucky to be on the other end not wanting sex. So I just don't even bring it up ever.
I started to feel like such a perve about it.
I keep remembering what you said about being on the other side, not wanting to have sex. so I decided to stop even talking about it and what ever happens, happens.
I never want to cheat but the lack of the physical and emotional passion leaves me feeling kind of lonely and unwanted and hollow.
I have started so many hobbies and I am back to doing stand up comedy since I gave it up by her request. Maybe she is board with me because I am not the same person I used to be. Raven mentioned that I think in another thread.
Oh well time will tell.
I at least need to do other things that make me feel good and that I enjoy. I let her take away the sex and intimacy but nobody is going to take away my spirit and who I am ever again like in the past.
And yes I am a tad bitter.
Hugs,
Laurie
Laurie

My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
In reply to: mjewell52
Fri, 01-07-2005 - 6:32am

Awwwwwwww Laurie

*hugs             

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
In reply to: mjewell52
Fri, 01-07-2005 - 12:26pm
Awwwwww, thanks caly.
I know that things are not perfect but everything else in our relationship is perfect. I know that this is my life partner and I hope we can work this part of our relationship improve.
Hugs,
Laurie

My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
Avatar for lafaye_ak
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2003
In reply to: mjewell52
Fri, 01-07-2005 - 8:20pm

Ya know it's strange you girls,

This board makes you think about so many things, particularly this post. Laurie, you are 100% correct. I had a serious heart-to-heart with myself last night and realized that just to be close to her, in the most intimate way two people can share physically, is what motivates me to want her so much. The act itself is delicious don't even get me wrong, but just the though t of being close to her that way is something inexpressable.

But like you I've taken to trying to channel my energies elsewhere, into activities that make me feel better. But still, it's hard sometimes.

Too late, lol...I already feel empathetic to the others like on on this board. It amazes me though that fortunate couples like Catspurrfect are the abnormal...in that I mean, they seem so suitably matched while others clash like Titans. Strange...