what to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
what to do
49
Thu, 01-13-2005 - 10:53pm

I'm a senior in highschool and i first started realizing my attraction to other females when i was a freshman. It took me some time to grasp and accept, esppecially since my parents and most of my family is strongly anti-gay. I met this younger woman in my 1th grade year, i had her as a teacher for one of my classes. This class was a combined history and english class, which meant i got to see her just about every day in school. At first i thought it might just have been an innocent little crush i had on her, but as time went on my feelings have gotten stronger for her. We've gotten fairly close through the past couple of years and we are writing e-mails back and forth constantly just about. I finally felt confortable enough to come out to her last summer. She was perfectly fine with it and accepting. At first i thought the freindship that we had would become awkward once school was back in session, but it wasn't, it was almost just like old times. Also this year she sent me an e-mail out of the blue on my b-day wishing me a happy birthday and telling me how great of a person i am. In n e-mail that i sent her and a few other people on thanksgiving i asked what those peopel were thankful for, and theni stated what i was thankful for. I really like her reply, i didn't even expect something detailed back...
"Jenn -
You are a pretty wonderful young woman. I appreciate your openness and
sincerity. I have so much to be thankful for in my life - family,
health, stability, adventure, and amazing people constantly around me
who brighten my day with cool thoughts, warm wishes and genuine support
through all of life's crazy turns.

I hope you have had a great Thanksgiving, Jenn.
Be well and enjoy the rest of the few days off from school!
JC"

in another e-mail...
"I trust you, and I know that you do make
responsible decisions. Your attitude about drugs is smart. Some things
just aren't worth it - and you do have a lot going for you with the FD.
I don't want to see you get hurt. You are a smart, resourceful and
together person. I've seen some people make choices that sell
themselves short. You have your entire life ahead of you! No need to
rush stuff (although it probably doesn't feel that way).
Anyhow - I'm glad you feel comfortable letting me know what is going on.
I have a lot of respect for you. You remain a cool, good person.
Again - I just want you to be safe!
JC"

when a friend of mine from the Fire Department passed away after a battle with cancer, i wrote to her b/c i needed someone to talk to and just someone to let it all out on...

"Jenn - I'm glad you wrote. I was thinking of you last evening.
Obviously after school was insane - I hope we get a chance to talk
today. I want to hear about yesterday and what you are thinking about
it all.
JC"

I'm just really grateful to have met her.

At times i feel like there might be something there on her part as well, but i'm never really sure if there is, or if it's just me being hopeful. When we're talking together there's this air of comfort on both our parts. While in her class listening to her speak i usually tend to gaze right into her eyes, giving her my full attention. When she looks back directly at me this great overwhelming feeling just surges right through me. Then a smile usually comes accross her face as i smile back. Sometimes i almost feel as if she knows. In the halls it's the same way we'll see eachother and say hi. Her eyes are what really pull me in, along with her smile. Then there's her intelligence and sense of "outdoorsy-ness". I just feel this sense of protection for her because i care about her and like her so much. Not to the extent of where it's more possessive, but more as in if anything bad happened to her, or if she neeeded any help i would want to be there for her, or at least have her know that.

I think that is where i am lost a little. It's coming down to the final months , and before i leave i want her to know how i feel about her and that i'll always be there for her if she ever needed anything, like she has been there for me to talk to help me through difficult issues.

i definately understand the whole part about her not being able to act on anything as long as i'm still in school there (if there is anything there). That's one thing that i have always understood and never wanted to test. That's the last thing i would want to do to her, hurt her or get her into any sort of trouble.

i guesss i just need and want other's opinions on if it's just me or maybe there really might be something there. Or if i should even bother letting her know how i feel.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
In reply to: firefighter_28
Sun, 01-16-2005 - 2:34am

Are you sure your in high school? No wonder this teacher is big on you. You express yourself better than most seniors I've been around! lol

halo :)

hugs

halo

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
In reply to: firefighter_28
Sun, 01-16-2005 - 2:35am

Tell me about this game!

halo

hugs

halo

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
In reply to: firefighter_28
Sun, 01-16-2005 - 8:32am

No need to tell me. Long phone call everything ok. :)

halo

hugs

halo

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
In reply to: firefighter_28
Sun, 01-16-2005 - 12:14pm
lol thanks.
i wish i could realize how well i can speak, but i just kind of brush it off at times. I'm really modest lol. sometimes way too much. Or i'll go out of my way to do something for someone and think nothing of it when they appreciate more than i expected. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
In reply to: firefighter_28
Sun, 01-16-2005 - 3:44pm

The come close/go away? Honey, you just described it. She calls you, you respond, then she doesn't want any bother out of you. That game, is called a head game, there's nothing pleasant or good about it. Enough said.

 


Hugs,


Sebastian


 


http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
In reply to: firefighter_28
Sun, 01-16-2005 - 3:55pm

Sad,

But, the situation is resolved. We spoke, it's over, however, we are resolved to remain friends (close) and that in itself is more important to me than anything in this world. :)

Thanks for your input. :)

halo

hugs

halo

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
In reply to: firefighter_28
Sun, 01-16-2005 - 6:57pm

I'm sorry, I wish I didn't know what a head game was. But, I'm glad that the confusion has stopped, and you can heal and go on from there. I truly am soory.

{{{{{{{{{{halo}}}}}}}}}}

 


Hugs,


Sebastian


 


http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
In reply to: firefighter_28
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 3:23am
Hi gigi,
I call that the yo-yo game. And at some point people just do not bounce back.
Hugs,
Laurie

My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
In reply to: firefighter_28
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 3:26am
Halo, I am sorry things aren't working out for you. I hope you find peace in this resolution.
Hugs,
Laurie

My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
In reply to: firefighter_28
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 9:31am

This woman is the most beautiful person I have ever met, both in and out. She wasn't playing any head games with me. In fact, she didn't want to hurt me, and didn't want to lose my friendship. So the only contact has been just that, what I described. Since our talk, I have a clearer picture of us, which is great! What I went through was very hard on me because I've not been able to talk w anyone, and still won't to this day. At the same time, she's been going through the same thing, and now we can share and talk about it with each other in confidence and the true spirit of friendship. I trust her with my life.

I will say what is happening is over whelming, and on a spiritual level, I've not been able to stop my tears. Spoke to her and my mentor about my experience last night. I was sitting at dinner and haven't packed up the manger, and looking at Jesus laying there I became over whelmed. My mentor said it's the holy spirit and it's happened to her before. HAs that ever happened to you?

halo

hugs

halo