what to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
what to do
49
Thu, 01-13-2005 - 10:53pm

I'm a senior in highschool and i first started realizing my attraction to other females when i was a freshman. It took me some time to grasp and accept, esppecially since my parents and most of my family is strongly anti-gay. I met this younger woman in my 1th grade year, i had her as a teacher for one of my classes. This class was a combined history and english class, which meant i got to see her just about every day in school. At first i thought it might just have been an innocent little crush i had on her, but as time went on my feelings have gotten stronger for her. We've gotten fairly close through the past couple of years and we are writing e-mails back and forth constantly just about. I finally felt confortable enough to come out to her last summer. She was perfectly fine with it and accepting. At first i thought the freindship that we had would become awkward once school was back in session, but it wasn't, it was almost just like old times. Also this year she sent me an e-mail out of the blue on my b-day wishing me a happy birthday and telling me how great of a person i am. In n e-mail that i sent her and a few other people on thanksgiving i asked what those peopel were thankful for, and theni stated what i was thankful for. I really like her reply, i didn't even expect something detailed back...
"Jenn -
You are a pretty wonderful young woman. I appreciate your openness and
sincerity. I have so much to be thankful for in my life - family,
health, stability, adventure, and amazing people constantly around me
who brighten my day with cool thoughts, warm wishes and genuine support
through all of life's crazy turns.

I hope you have had a great Thanksgiving, Jenn.
Be well and enjoy the rest of the few days off from school!
JC"

in another e-mail...
"I trust you, and I know that you do make
responsible decisions. Your attitude about drugs is smart. Some things
just aren't worth it - and you do have a lot going for you with the FD.
I don't want to see you get hurt. You are a smart, resourceful and
together person. I've seen some people make choices that sell
themselves short. You have your entire life ahead of you! No need to
rush stuff (although it probably doesn't feel that way).
Anyhow - I'm glad you feel comfortable letting me know what is going on.
I have a lot of respect for you. You remain a cool, good person.
Again - I just want you to be safe!
JC"

when a friend of mine from the Fire Department passed away after a battle with cancer, i wrote to her b/c i needed someone to talk to and just someone to let it all out on...

"Jenn - I'm glad you wrote. I was thinking of you last evening.
Obviously after school was insane - I hope we get a chance to talk
today. I want to hear about yesterday and what you are thinking about
it all.
JC"

I'm just really grateful to have met her.

At times i feel like there might be something there on her part as well, but i'm never really sure if there is, or if it's just me being hopeful. When we're talking together there's this air of comfort on both our parts. While in her class listening to her speak i usually tend to gaze right into her eyes, giving her my full attention. When she looks back directly at me this great overwhelming feeling just surges right through me. Then a smile usually comes accross her face as i smile back. Sometimes i almost feel as if she knows. In the halls it's the same way we'll see eachother and say hi. Her eyes are what really pull me in, along with her smile. Then there's her intelligence and sense of "outdoorsy-ness". I just feel this sense of protection for her because i care about her and like her so much. Not to the extent of where it's more possessive, but more as in if anything bad happened to her, or if she neeeded any help i would want to be there for her, or at least have her know that.

I think that is where i am lost a little. It's coming down to the final months , and before i leave i want her to know how i feel about her and that i'll always be there for her if she ever needed anything, like she has been there for me to talk to help me through difficult issues.

i definately understand the whole part about her not being able to act on anything as long as i'm still in school there (if there is anything there). That's one thing that i have always understood and never wanted to test. That's the last thing i would want to do to her, hurt her or get her into any sort of trouble.

i guesss i just need and want other's opinions on if it's just me or maybe there really might be something there. Or if i should even bother letting her know how i feel.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
In reply to: firefighter_28
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 2:46pm
The Holy Spirit? Yes.
I am not sure that I caught the whole story about you and this woman of your dreams halo.
Is she straight? Or does she just not feel the same?
Again, I am sorry it is not working out the way you would have liked it to.
Hugs,
Laurie

My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
In reply to: firefighter_28
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 6:26pm

No, she's a lesbian, and a veteran like us. She's so totally amazing! Some day I will be able to explain our friendship. Perhaps when were a mile high, cuz it's totally OPSEC until a time when the situation clears up for her. :) I do miss her tremendously, and had hopes, now I need to settle for a friendship. Not her fault, and not mine. Just bad timing. thanks for asking. I hope the fire fighter is learning from all this? lol

halo

hugs

halo

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
In reply to: firefighter_28
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 7:44pm
I here you loud and clear on the OPSEC halo.
Maybe she will be a mile high with us?
I am thinking this is good basic training for the firefighter. lol
Hugs,
Laurie

My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
In reply to: firefighter_28
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 11:30pm
Whats OPSEC?.... Inquiring Minds want to know.. Well mine does!.. *Smiles~Lee~
(((((((((((

 C  >^. A .

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
In reply to: firefighter_28
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 9:06am
lol.
Yeah, at first i was wondering how i became a chat room. Then i was cool with it. Lol that was funny coming across you're comment though
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
In reply to: firefighter_28
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 9:35am

So i had a good time last night.
One of the classes i'm in (which JC teaches) is called "The Holocaust and Human Behaviors"....awesome class (not just beacuse of the teacher...lol) Anyway, last night we had our final class for the semester, which was in the form as a symposium and it served as our final exam. For it we had to wrpa up the past semester in a reflection sort of sense...something that proufoundly affected us, and express that in some form in front of our class and family members. Most people decided to get up in front of everyone and recite a speach or a poem that they created. Some created a website and one person even did a skit. For minei choose to create a video. It was complied of footage from other videos i had picked out from different areas on all sorts of genocides, not just the holocaust. In the background of the video i had music playing and sound bites from survivors of the holocaust. Last november we went on an "intensive trip" and along it we actually got to meet face-to-face with a few survivors of the holocaust. While they told their stories to us i was fortunate enough to be able to record their stories. At the time i was just thinking for personal reasons to record it *what a great idea, then i'll be able to always have it, and maybe evenutally at some point in time it will come in handy*. Well it did, for my project/presentation. That it think was what put it way over the top and made it so much more powerful, instead of just showing some footage and playing some music. When i presented the video i didn't saying anything about how the sound bites were from the actual survivors that we met with....mainly b/c i forgot to as the stage light was blinding me in the eyes. I was the last person to go before intermission. During intermisson a few people complimented me on my video and told me how great they thought it was, including JC. I think the survivors voicces really shocked a lot of people. JC had forgoten that irecorded them while i was there, and so it was neat b/c i even had her shocked.
so i just felt like sharing that since i thought of it to be of some importance (the presentation) to me at least.
who knows maybe i'll see her again today and get to talk more with her about it...

take care
~Jenn

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
In reply to: firefighter_28
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 12:46am

Sounds like you did great! When in Germany, I went to the Dachau sp concentration camp. Someday I will tell you all about my experience in Germany. We need to ensure that the same thing doesn't happen over here to us. Sadly if Bush and the Christian coalition get their way, we could end up like that. I wonder who they will go after next. Keep up the good work Jenn, we need more young people like you. Oh, my son has a friend at his high school, her name is Aiden. Very sharp girl reminds me of you. She is the President of GSC Gay straight Allience. Do you have that at your school?

halo

hugs

halo

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
In reply to: firefighter_28
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 1:04am
Hi Halo,
We used to fly up to Germany all the time on Space A Medivac flights.
I went to Dachau Concentration camp six times because each time someone new came with us and wanted to go.
I agree totaly with what you said in your post!
Everytime I went to Dachau Concentration camp I still felt that same feeling you get when you visit the first time. I am sure you know what feeling I am talking about. It is hard to describe.
I also saw Anne Frank's hiding place and Corrie Tenbaum's Watch shop.
I had a lot of family killed over ther during that time because part of our family were Jewish and there were 2 Rabbi's. They killed my great Grand Mother's Father. Executed him in the street in front of family and neighbors.
My Mom remebers when the letter came to my Great Grand Mother. Her Father sent her here to escape on the last ship out of there. Some of her brother's and sister's did not make it.
My Great Grand Mother lived until I was 16. She told me so much about Germany etc. that I had to keep going to visit.
I have many stories from Germany. Btw, the Beer was great and so was the food.
Take care,
Hugs,
oh, and we have another veteran on the board, momto2vaboys, incase you did not know. So we need to take care of her too.
Laurie

My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
In reply to: firefighter_28
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 1:12am

Wow what a story to hear! Are there family photo's to go along with the memories?

Yes, Dachau was such a humbling experience. Did you go there in the summer? They say on a hot day you can smell the stench in the air. They will never be able to get rid of the odor.

My daughter was born in Germany. I didn't do too much traveling @ of work 24 seven. I love German beeer and want to return with her. Did you see the hot air baloons over there? Gorgeous country! :)

Oh, and you know I can see Hitler happening over there again. They are such a rigid and yet easily led people, with the old school thought processes. Scarey!

BTW what are doing up? :)

halo

hugs

halo

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
In reply to: firefighter_28
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 1:34am
<>
LOL, I am a disabled veteran with no real everyday job! What's your excuse?! ;)
I am also a night owl.
Yes I have so many family photos including the last photo my Great Grand Mother took of her Father when she left.
I am actually working on a nice scrapbook and I found the ship and the list of passengers on the ship that my Great Grand Mother came here on. I found her name on the list. I am going to send for a copy of it to put in the scrapbook.
I did go in the summer there was a smell in the air but not sure what it was.
They never used the creamatoriums I don't think. But still they were very eery to see.
It did have an oder in the creamatoriums, did you remember that?
I could not believe how they had to sleep and live.
Yes, I do believe they could be led again but more fearful people here could easily be led to rid the world of gays. I think because here and now people are so removed from those times.
One time my partner and I flew up there for a couple of days and we got lost. Could not find our way back to the Air Force Base. We wandered into a neighborhood bar to ask directions. They said we could not leave without knowing what real be tasted like. At closing time the people stayed and they locked the bar. They gave us glasses of all kinds of beer, light, dark, sweet etc., the last thing I remember is drinking something green then waking up the next day in some old lady's feather bed with my partner. Not sure where the old lady slept and not sure I want to know. But she did make us breakfast and coffee and sent us on our way with good directions and a letter for the bus drivers to help us out.
Well I guess I just shared a sea story, oh my.
I loved Germany but yes, the people were so stiff and conservative.
Hugs,
Laurie

My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html