what to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
what to do
49
Thu, 01-13-2005 - 10:53pm

I'm a senior in highschool and i first started realizing my attraction to other females when i was a freshman. It took me some time to grasp and accept, esppecially since my parents and most of my family is strongly anti-gay. I met this younger woman in my 1th grade year, i had her as a teacher for one of my classes. This class was a combined history and english class, which meant i got to see her just about every day in school. At first i thought it might just have been an innocent little crush i had on her, but as time went on my feelings have gotten stronger for her. We've gotten fairly close through the past couple of years and we are writing e-mails back and forth constantly just about. I finally felt confortable enough to come out to her last summer. She was perfectly fine with it and accepting. At first i thought the freindship that we had would become awkward once school was back in session, but it wasn't, it was almost just like old times. Also this year she sent me an e-mail out of the blue on my b-day wishing me a happy birthday and telling me how great of a person i am. In n e-mail that i sent her and a few other people on thanksgiving i asked what those peopel were thankful for, and theni stated what i was thankful for. I really like her reply, i didn't even expect something detailed back...
"Jenn -
You are a pretty wonderful young woman. I appreciate your openness and
sincerity. I have so much to be thankful for in my life - family,
health, stability, adventure, and amazing people constantly around me
who brighten my day with cool thoughts, warm wishes and genuine support
through all of life's crazy turns.

I hope you have had a great Thanksgiving, Jenn.
Be well and enjoy the rest of the few days off from school!
JC"

in another e-mail...
"I trust you, and I know that you do make
responsible decisions. Your attitude about drugs is smart. Some things
just aren't worth it - and you do have a lot going for you with the FD.
I don't want to see you get hurt. You are a smart, resourceful and
together person. I've seen some people make choices that sell
themselves short. You have your entire life ahead of you! No need to
rush stuff (although it probably doesn't feel that way).
Anyhow - I'm glad you feel comfortable letting me know what is going on.
I have a lot of respect for you. You remain a cool, good person.
Again - I just want you to be safe!
JC"

when a friend of mine from the Fire Department passed away after a battle with cancer, i wrote to her b/c i needed someone to talk to and just someone to let it all out on...

"Jenn - I'm glad you wrote. I was thinking of you last evening.
Obviously after school was insane - I hope we get a chance to talk
today. I want to hear about yesterday and what you are thinking about
it all.
JC"

I'm just really grateful to have met her.

At times i feel like there might be something there on her part as well, but i'm never really sure if there is, or if it's just me being hopeful. When we're talking together there's this air of comfort on both our parts. While in her class listening to her speak i usually tend to gaze right into her eyes, giving her my full attention. When she looks back directly at me this great overwhelming feeling just surges right through me. Then a smile usually comes accross her face as i smile back. Sometimes i almost feel as if she knows. In the halls it's the same way we'll see eachother and say hi. Her eyes are what really pull me in, along with her smile. Then there's her intelligence and sense of "outdoorsy-ness". I just feel this sense of protection for her because i care about her and like her so much. Not to the extent of where it's more possessive, but more as in if anything bad happened to her, or if she neeeded any help i would want to be there for her, or at least have her know that.

I think that is where i am lost a little. It's coming down to the final months , and before i leave i want her to know how i feel about her and that i'll always be there for her if she ever needed anything, like she has been there for me to talk to help me through difficult issues.

i definately understand the whole part about her not being able to act on anything as long as i'm still in school there (if there is anything there). That's one thing that i have always understood and never wanted to test. That's the last thing i would want to do to her, hurt her or get her into any sort of trouble.

i guesss i just need and want other's opinions on if it's just me or maybe there really might be something there. Or if i should even bother letting her know how i feel.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
In reply to: firefighter_28
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 1:51am

What am I doing up?

Lets just say I have been very lonely for over a year 1/2, and I miss talking. These boards are great, only right now, I'm too tired to think. I wanted to catch up on everything since I worked late tonight. I will be back on vacation thursday for five days again.

Happy Anniversary. Did I read how long you two have been together?

Don't let me forget this idea. I want to talk about why is it when you see two lesbian partners together, that they act like stuck ups and never say hi, and run away? I notice that alot, and want to ask that on a post.

Don't forget, k? ;)

halo

hugs

halo

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
In reply to: firefighter_28
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 2:07am
Thanks for the happy anniversary wish.
We met 8 years ago. Talked about being soulmates and made it official 7 1/2 years ago.
This is always the anniversary we love to celabrate.
Yes I know what you mean about having someone to talk to. My partner has to get to bed early some nights.
I will remember your topic question on lesbian couples. Maybe you have run into some seriously jealous couples.
Just think... you might be so hot you are scaring them away! For fear the other partner will run off with you...
I think Indianapolis has friendly lesbians. As our motto say's, "There's more to see than corn in Indiana." Well, that and the unofficial one that say's "Hoosier Daddy". Get it?
We are Hoosiers. I am a transplant though. That is what they call those of us that come from other States.
How I ended up back in the Midwest I'll never know!
Sheila and I never run away.
Hugs,
Laurie

My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
In reply to: firefighter_28
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 7:23pm
yeah, we do have the GSTA club at our high school
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
In reply to: firefighter_28
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 7:29pm
that's awesome that both of you have beeen able to go over to Germany and visit some of the concentration camps. It definately must have been such an awesome and eye-opening experience
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
In reply to: firefighter_28
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 9:52pm

"eye-opening experience"

You need to plan a trip over there some day. My daughter wants to go too. The food is great, the beer, and so much to see historically. I was there when the Berlin Wall fell down. Just before that happened, I had a very scary thing happen to me in East Berlin. So when the wall was torn down, I was happy.

Going through East Berlin to West Berlin was like going from Kansas to the Land of Oz. The place was drab and gray, and the people so depressed. They still have the same style train cars and you can just imagine the people being transported like cows to their death. It's definitely an eye opening experience.

Are you an active member of the GSA?

halo

hugs

halo

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
In reply to: firefighter_28
Thu, 01-20-2005 - 10:32pm

i guess you could say i'm an active memebr...not really though. I mean i go to the meetings that it holds once every week. And i particiapted in the "day of silence" last year. I don't know i really just started getting comfortable with *it* all this year. I mean i have basically accepted a couple years ago, but i don't know i didn't really feel all that comfortable about it, on the public side. I'm still not "out". but it's that sort of thing that was holding me back from really doing all that much last year.
basically i blame that insecuirty on my fricken parents. Having to listen to all of their negative comments about being gay is wrong. Or if something comes up on the news about civil unions, they'll both be like "oh jeasus it's so ridiculous. i don't even see why there should be such thing, it's just wrong." So being around that for awhile made me almost feel like something was wrong with me, i mean, here my parents are speaking so negatively about it and even making fun of some people because they "look gay", what else was i supposed to think at that time. Then time passed by and now i could care less on almost any toppic that my parents voice an opinion on, simply b/c 99.9% of the time they have nothing to back their opinions up on, no real reasoning other than "just because." There's no intellectual thought proking reasoning, ...just because....if there's anything that pisses me off more is when someone explains something or their reasoning with "just because." god it drives me nuts sometimes. I mean i know i'm not perfect, but at least try to even make something up to back yourself up on, so it makes you look somewhat intelligent.

well i guess i'm gonna head out for the night, exams in the morning..*fun*

take care everyone who reads this! lol
~Jenn

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
In reply to: firefighter_28
Thu, 01-20-2005 - 10:46pm
Wow Laurie! You got to see those places! Awesome.. I know the story of Corrie Tenbaum..
Although oddly enough I thought it was spelled different her last name?.. I saw that movie The Hiding Place.. I actually had part in the monies dept of it being made years ago with

 C  >^. A .

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
In reply to: firefighter_28
Fri, 01-21-2005 - 1:31am

Wow Jenn,

It's been so long ago since I've been in high school, that I've forgotten about how odd parents can be. Mine were strange, and I remember the same thing as far as their opinions go. Nothing I could really do or say, I simply tolerated it. Eventually, as I left and grew on my own, my parents never questioned me about my sexuality. Of course I was married, however, after my divorce, they knew, they just didn't care at that point. I guess they grew out of worrying about it. When I was in high school, and in college, my partner would sleep over in my room. There were times when I was going through a break up, that my parents suspected something, but, I guess they were to chicken to ask.

Five years ago, my step mom did ask me what side of the bed I slept on in ref to my girl friend Jo. So funny, I still played it off, "left side mom, whats for dinner"? lol Sometimes with them it's better off unsaid. My guess is as time goes on they will accept their little girl or lose her. Eventually, they will realize that their love for you is more important than any odd difference of opinion they may have at this moment. I don't know where in the handbook it stipulates that everyone must come out to their parents. Not all parents are accepting, and it's only fair that you not be put in a precarious position over whether coming out to them is right or wrong. High school is hard enough without dragging the drama home. Besides, they might be saying those negative things in the hope that it will sink into your brain. Maybe that's why they have no real explanation for their opinion other than just because. After all, that's what their parents told them when they were being discouraged.

Just hang in there! I'm sure the women on this board would love to be your surrogate moms. I definitely have no problem with that!

hugs
halo

hugs

halo

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
In reply to: firefighter_28
Sat, 01-22-2005 - 11:39pm

awww so kind of you! lol
i agree about the drama. Also how it doens't say anywhere that i have to come out to them. Although some parts of me just want to do it before i leave for college in the fall just to shove it in their faces and be like "ha, screw you! you say all those horrible things and yet you didn't even realize that you were raising *one*, and oh yeah, Phil, you wouldn't believe me would you?! no he was never my b/f like i always said he wasn't, he's gay too!" ....but i guess that's just the anger coming out..ehh what can you do. o well.

.....Phil is one of my best friends, we are like joined at the hip almost. So it's somewhat understandable that they would think we were dating...but they are way toooo hoipfeul. i am always saying how we are just friends and then they are like "oh, ok, sure." Then they spread everything around our family, so everytime there's a gathering for whatever reason it always gets brought up, and then everyone is asking me "so, who's this Phil?"

but anyways....
i have to get up early for work *fun*
take care,
~Jenn

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
In reply to: firefighter_28
Sun, 01-23-2005 - 12:12am

Jenn,

Everyone has a phil or a bill, somewhere! They make great covers! lol I know that your angry, and frustrated, ie "come out before college and shove it in their face". Be gentle on them...time will help. Once they see you all grown up with a successful career, (I know you will), they will be so proud of you, and by then more accepting of who you are. Like I tell my kids, be the better person.

Please keep in touch. This is probably the end of this thread. You take care,

hugs
halo

hugs

halo