Confused, hurt... broken

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2005
Confused, hurt... broken
9
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 3:58pm

since december 03' i have been in a relationship with someone who was my best friend for 2 years prio to that... and although we sometimes argued... it was good. she always told me how in love she was with me.. how happy i made her. Now.. on sunday, she told me she thought we should break up because she wants to be with a guy long term.. have children, a family. She says she still loves me but that this isnt fair to me. I just dont understand how she changed her mind so suddenly... so sudden.

she has never had a bf that has treated her well. she really confuses me... and what is more is that she still wants us to be best friends.. like what we were before we got together. I am so broken hearted and i dont know what to do. I am not good with people and cannot imagine being with anyone else..ever.

I just dont know how she can take back everything we had in such a instant.. all because of some dream she has always had to have children and a husband. she says its just its what she has always wanted.. that she thought she was bisexual but now she isnt sure.... so now she has decided she likes guys again (we got very close after she was hurt badly by a guy....)but when we were together and even before she told me how she checks out girls more than guys etc... it just seems like suddenly she changed over night..

we have a very special connection that was there even before we were together..and she tells me no matter what she will always love me more than a friend.. i just dont know what to think or do....... i cant imagine not being able to be with her... as her girlfriend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 4:11pm

hello nothing less, my name is Gigi. Welcome to Lesbian Life.

I can understand how you feel, because, something like that happened to me and I know the hurt and broken feelings.

First of all, since she never told you in the beginning that she wanted to have a child or a husband, then I would grant her, her wish. There's nothing worse, than having a relationship with someone that doesn't know who they want to be involved with. As far as I'm concerned, this didn't just happen overnight, that's impossible. I would tell her goodbye, and I don't know about you, I could never be friends with someone that's just taken my heart out and ripped it apart. But that's just me. Anyway, it's not fair to you, and it won't be fair to the guy that she wants to become involved with.

But I'll say this, only you can make the final decision. But I do invite you to say with us. So, please, sit down on this cyber couch, have some chocolate and your favorite beverage.

Friendly hugs!

 


Hugs,


Sebastian


 


http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 7:55pm
Welcome to our board nothing less.
This sure is heartbreaking. I am thinking your girlfriend has been thinking about this for a long time. I think she did not want to tell you until she felt sure of her decision.
Have you talked to her about the two of you having babies?
Or does she just want to live a heterosexual lifestyle?
I know it seems like there is no light at the end of the tunnel but there really is.
I know that I have been through this too. I thought I would never love like that again.
But I have met someone who I love more than anything. We have known each other for 8 years and been officially together for 7 1/2 years.
In time the heart does heal and you will be able to love again.
You say that you are not good with people, yet you were good with this girlfriend. I want you to believe in yourself and know that there are so many individuals out in the world. So many people who think they will never find the right person. If you believe in yourself others will too.
I believe that we all have an inner strength that will get us through the worst of times.
You have that inside you too. It is good to grieve for awhile but remember that your inner being can be strong. It is what helps us survive. When you go to sleep think about your inner strength and ask for it or pray for it to help you survive this heartache.
Once you learn your inner strength you will believe in yourself so much more.
You can maybe maintain this friendship, maybe if you have some distance for awhile until you get through the grief side of it. Your "friend" should be abale to understand.
Be true to yourself, believe in yourself and find your inner strength.
I have and many others here on this board have survived so many heartbreaking and life threatening things. I hope you will continue to come here and find comfort and support etc.
You can get through this and you can feel free to vent here.
Hugs,
Laurie

My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2005
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 9:35pm

thanks for the replies.

we havee been talking a lot... she says she cant imagine being as close to anyone as she has to me.. (mentally.. emotionally intimately speaking and our connection).. she says no matter what i will always be her number one... and she wants us to still live together.

we did talk about having babies together a month or so back... we have talked about lots of things.. i just dont really understand what she is meaning...with all her talk of us still being just as close as we are....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 9:59pm
It sounds like she is still confused to me.
She is asking you to live with her and a man. To live with them and watch their relationship grow in fron of your eyes while it is killing you? Are you supposed to be the friend/woman on the side that nobody knows about. The one who stays home while they go to family functions?
Is this what she is really asking of you?
Is she planning on finding a man to do the family thing with and have you on the side as number 1? How can you be number 1 when she will be obligated to family first, husband/boyfriend, kids, family on both sides, then you?
Or is she saying that she will forget about the guy thing for now.
The above life sounds very unfullfilling for you. Are you considering it?
Is she ashamed of living a homosexual lifestyle?
Wow! This seems like it would hurt you more than anything.
Also sounds like she might regret this later.
Keep us posted and I wish you the best in this.
Take care,
Hugs,
Laurie

My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2005
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 10:13pm

i also think that she is still confused. I do think that she is perhaps ashamed of the homosexual lifestyle. i have said this to her but she is adamant that we break up.. even though there is NO man anywhere around and she does not plan to start dating right away.

we were veryvery close even before we got together... intimately close. she seems to want to stay as close as we are already just without sexual intimacy. she says i know her better than she even knows herself.. we both know one anothers most deepest secrets. she considers me her family.. and it is not that i would not be a part of her family.. she says i would.. she says the package includes me. she says she is still attracted to me... and those feelings just dont go away in one breathe but in another she says it is going away and she is not sure anymore..

i have talked at length and keep saying there is no way i will still be number one once you have a partner and family and i ask her how she thinks it can be like that and she says she doesnt know she just wants it to be.

this is still very very confusing.. i feel like she might just say these things so that she does not lose me as a friend altogether... ive asked her over and over if this is the case and she says it is not..

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2005
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 11:18pm

nothing less,

I am sorry to hear of your complex situation. In my own experience, I did have a best friend that was a girl and we were very close. I supported her whenever she needed me. We did everything together and I thought I was in love. At that moment in time I would've given anything to be with her forever. I was even thinking about quitting school so I can take care of her finacially but turns out she was just very needy and couldn't be alone. As soon as she found a boy we rarely talked and then when she was single again we were the best of friends. I know that this is different then what you are explaining but I feel that it is somewhat similiar. I also believe that sometimes especially between women, the line between friendship and more is very blurry. It makes it even blurrier when one of them knows that they like women for sure and one doesn't. Although she is saying that its not because she doesn't want to lose you as a friend I think that is exactly what it is. I also agree with Laurie and Gigi that she didn't think about this overnite and its not sudden. It is just sudden to you. Like you said she's had really bad relationships with men and got together with you right after a bad relationship. Sometimes people get really lonely and will cling to someone who will care for them. I think you are in an unhealthy relationship at this point. Maybe its time you decided what you want and if you really want to be with someone who is unsure of what they want. I know you love her but I'm sure you will be able to find someone that will show you more love than you ever imagined. Be strong. TAke Care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 12:11am
Wow! I get the feeling she is stringing you along just incase she does not find someone else. I don't care what she says.
This is what some people would call a "Toxic Relationship".
Realistically do you think she can find a guy who will be willing to share her with you. I think the guy would want her 100%. Isn't that why we want to be in a relationship.
She would be splittling herself between the two of you. I just do not see anyone accepting this in real life. I mean maybe at first but then the partner will want her more and become upset that she is holding back. How long can that last. Can you really be her best friend and be close to her while she is giving that part of her that you want to someone else.
This would be so hard of a life. I would put my foot down and tell her this is not what you want and just take some time for yourself. Then just start "dating" other women not looking for the right one right away. Just date and get to know other women. If she gives you any problems about it, just tell her she is still you number one and part of the package. I don't think she will like it.
Wow! Sounds to me like you need to see that this is over unfortunately, she has had time to think about it while leaving you in the dark.
I wih I could be of more help. Please feel free to vent here. I just don't think she is being realistic. Kind of like a person who says, I don't want you but I don't want anyone else to have you either. Not fair! Not realistic.
You deserve much better than this. Believe in yourself and be true to yourself. You won't be happy if you settle.
Take care,
Hugs,
Laurie

My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2004
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 5:28pm

Wow, reading about your situation just broke through months of repression that I have been using to get myself through an almost identical situation. First I'd like to say that I'm terribly sorry for your loss. I truly know how this feels. I just recently graduated from MSU, but my senior year was haunted by a situation like yours that I had with my college roommate. Best friends for 2 years, discovered our bisexual curiosity together, and developed very intense feelings for one another. Unfortunately, she was from a strict Greek upbringing with a minister as a grandfather. The pressures for her to be a certain way were not to be compromised, especially if she were to announce to her family that she was in love with a girl. I tried to protect myself, but I was already too far in. My every thought surrounded the ways in which I could make her happy and somehow convince her that all she needed was me. But nothing I did mattered and after a year of our "secret" romance, she introduced me to the new love of her life, a guy! Not just any guy, but the male version of me! I spent the next year living in a small apartment with the girl I was in love with and our new roommate, her boyfriend. Every day the horror of our demise was in my face, taunting away at my sanity. It was the saddest, most difficult time of my life. In fact, I even turned to drugs to avoid the pain. Luckily I was smart enough, and strong enough to know that drugs weren't making my problems go away. But my anger towards her surpassed any true feelings of love that I once had. She wanted me to be her best friend and to be happy for her new relationship and I tried so hard to be that person, but it was too hard. They say that it takes half the amount of time that you were in a relationship, to heal and get over it. I find this to be true, but my healing only began the day I decided I couldn’t see her anymore. I think about her all the time, and now I even have it in my heart to hope that she’s sincerely happy with whoever she’s with, but there is still a bitter taste in my mouth.

My advice, be true to yourself. You know that you are suffering right now and part of you may think that the best thing for you to do is to just be her friend and see her through this, but the longer you ignore what’s going on inside of yourself, the harder and more painful the whole process will be. Be as honest as you can to her about how you feel, even if it does leave you vulnerable. If her friendship is important to you, you will give yourself a chance to heal first before you switch such dramatic roles and risk losing her all together.

If you ever need anyone to talk to, this board is a great place, or you can even email me if you’d like. I didn’t have a single soul to talk to when I was going through this because my bisexuality was still a huge secret to the people in my life. I really could have used a friend, talking really does wonders. I hope you have supportive people in your life to help you through this. Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 6:33pm
Hi, it's nice to meet you intelekual.
Your story was so sincere and very heart wrenching.
I think it shows the truth to what would be for our friend here.
I am so glad that you were able to share that.
Thanks,
and hugs,
Laurie
Laurie

My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html