A Question For Laurie...

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Registered: 08-08-2003
A Question For Laurie...
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Wed, 01-19-2005 - 10:17pm

Hi Laurie,

I had a question for you. I think I'm just needing some hopeful news lol! My GF told me a few days ago, after we had a bit of a heated argument, that her libido was back. I don't know how long it's been that it's been back; I was so shocked that I didn't ask. And nothing has really changed as far as our intimacy. I was curious as to how things were going for you and yours since you shared your good news a while back.

Hope that's not prying into your business, but I guess I'm trying to keep despair at bay.

Thanks Laurie and I DO hope things are going fabulously for you and your GF now.

Lafaye

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Registered: 06-24-2003
Thu, 01-20-2005 - 12:12am
HI lafaye,
I am happy that you feel comfortable enough to ask.
Okay, I am no Dr Ruth, but here is my personal story.
It is going slow... she is talking more about it. We had a wonderful evening last week, but it did not lead all the way to sex. I have decided I am not pushing it.
We were going to go to Pricilla's lastweek but I must admit I had to agree to this week due to having much more money this payday.
She say's we are going to go tomorrow. I am not sure if there will be another excuse.
I asked her if she is sure she is in love with me. She cried and said she cannot believe that she is making me feel like she doesn't love me.
Yes, she is in love with me... no there is nobody else even in her mind, yes, she is still attracted to me... yes she has her libido back and wants begin our sex life again...no she does not expect me to find a way to try to forget about sex the rest of my life... No I cannot have a sex partner on the side... yes she is still very attracted to me and how can I even question that.(Look of awe on my face when she said that)... so, tomorrow we will see what happens or maybe Friday, because she will have those two days off.
She just went to bed and kissed me goodnight and said how much she loves me and not to forget about our shoping trip tomorrow. She swears it is the wellbutrine taking affect.
That is where I am at this point. I am feeling like one of those gross guys right now.
I am hoping things will happen this week yet I do not have my hopes up one bit.
I am about to find a secret sex partner. LOL. I have had some offers and I am wondering if she is just bothered by that and doing this to keep me from cheating. I have never cheated and think it is wrong. But what are the people with high libidos supposed to do when their partners refuse to have sex. It is depressing, and distracting at least for me. At the same time we are still in love and would hate to break up.
I ask, why would it bother her if I had sex with someone else, if she is not wanting to have sex with me? This is a delema I have never had to deal with before. Is it right to force a person to give up sex possibly for life?
I will keep you posted lafaye and I hope you will keep me posted.
Sheila said she did not tell me right away because she wanted to be sure before she got my hopes up.
Maybe that is why your partner did not tell you right away.
I hope I have some good news for you by this weekend. LOL!
Hugs,
and I am feeling your pain...
Laurie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Thu, 01-20-2005 - 3:04am

"I am feeling like one of those gross guys right now."


Laurie,


It makes me so sad to think she is reducing your self esteem. Let me tell you - from experience as someone who has an unstable sex drive, it's not you!


It's NOT you!


It's not YOU!


This is happening to Sheila, it is not because of you. It is not because she doesn't think you are sexy, she doesn't think anyone is. She is not interested in sex. That is a common problem and it's nothing you did. Maybe it's hormonal, it could be anything.


When I don't feel like having sex, it isn't because Jen isn't the hottest woman on earth - she is, I'm just not in the mood. I don't even want to get in the mood, I'm not in the mood to be in the mood. LOL


Please don't give up, I know its hard. But if Jen left me over this I would be devastated because I can't help it. I feel like it's not my fault and out of my control.


We aren't having trouble right now, but it's happened. I don't know why it happened or how things got better they just did. I know that's no help but I wanted to tell you it's not something you did or didn't do. It's inside her.



Sandr

Avatar for lafaye_ak
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2003
Thu, 01-20-2005 - 12:48pm

Hi Laurie,

Thank you so much for replying to me so candidly. I am so lost these days; lost and confused and having thoughts that make me feel so guilty I can barely look at my GF anymore.

When she told me she had her libido back I was utterly shocked. I had no inkling because nothing changed. Maybe it is like you said Sheila thought: she did not want to get your hopes up. I haven't let my hopes become anything more than what they ever were. Actually I think I've given up hope. I hear excuse after excuse.

She asks me what's wrong and I look at her like you did; mouth dropping in awe that she could even ask me that. I feel like one of those gross men too. Last night we had a big fight. Horrible, saying things that were truly painful. And I cannot get her to understand how this is making me feel as the one who has a very high libido.

I feel everyday. And she does not. And sometimes it seems like her nether regions (didn't know any other tactful way to put it) has conspired to drive me mad by becoming "awake" as she calls it at the most inopportune times. Like when my son is here and up and about, or when friends are over, or when family is here. She will actually take me in a room when they're here and try to get it on and I'm like have you lost your MIND???????

We can't have sex NOW!!!! But she doesn't see it like that. It's almost like we're a man and a woman trying to conceive on one of those crazy schedules that say, "I'm ovulating, hurry home!" and you're in rush hour traffic.

Impossible. But this entire week, she's had two days off, and I've had one. And not once did she touch me. I even told her to and she wouldn't. She never wants to when we have the privacy and luxury of time. I just don't understand that. I truly don't. She tells me that we have to do it when she feels the urge.

I'm sorry but that is just so unfair. I'm basically waiting with bated breath for her to tell me she's ready. How do I live like that.

She tells me that I'm still the sexiest most beautiful woman she knows. But yet, I don't feel that way. She's got a libido enhancer and won't take it. I swear sometimes, if I truly didn't know better, I'd think she was cheating. I don't dare mention taking on another lover, though you might as well say I have with the fantasies that I have.

She's told me the same things Sheila has told you. She says she wants me everyday but her body is not with her mind. I'm thinking, you could at least try. Just TRY and see what happens. It would make it so much less painful if she just tried. It's been a month for us. And that doesn't seem like very long, but it is hell for someone with libidos like ours.

Sometimes I think about finding a secret partner and I've had offers also. More than I care to admit lol...it's so very flattering though at this point in my life. I'm a young woman, haven't even turned thirty yet. And I feel about as attractive as a fungus on a log. I used to take such pride in my femininity. Now I barely look at myself. Then there are days when I inspect myself minutely trying to see if there is something physical about myself that is affecting our relationship.

Yet, she tells me it is not me. It is not me, she says and yet, the opportunities just fly by, even though she says she wants me everyday. I don't understand Laurie. I've never been in this situation before. I've always been with people with even higher libidos than my own.

I have never cheated. My GF has always fulfilled me when things were good. I know that I am so vulnerable right now. I remind me of that song by Gretchen Wilson, the one about her coming close to cheating, but one two step with the other man stopped her in her tracks. I feel twixt and between that.

I have no idea how GF would react if I told her I was thinking about taking on a lover. God, I can't even believe I'm typing that lol...seriously.

It is depressing and I'm so sad. I can't live without a sex life. I know I can't and I don't want to. Distracting doesn't even begin to describe it. It's an insidious usurper of everything you've ever been or want to become or try to do. Nothing shines anymore. Everything is dull and lifeless and it is all I can do not to catch a felony I'm so out of sorts these days.

I will answer emphatically to the question at the end of your post: NO it is NOT right to ask someone to give up sex when you're in a committed relationship. It's not a mutual thing for me. I want sex. If I wanted a friend I would not have gotten involved. I didn't get involved just to have sex, but these days that's all I think about and that's what this relationship, because of the lack thereof, has become. I can't bear to be near her anymore. It's physically painful. We fight about that also. The affection has gone because of the state I'm in. And she wants nothing but affection and I can't deal. So we sit miles apart and lay miles apart.

It's a sad state of affairs in my home and I don't know how to fix it anymore. It doesn't make me feel good to be rejected when I try to initiate sex, yet she tells me she "needs a little help." Rejection has made me gun shy. So I don't ask her anymore. But she can't understand why I hold back when she comes up and kisses me passionately enough to make my eyes cross. I have to hold back, for the preservation of my own sanity.

God, so many things. So many....and none of them understood by her.

I'm getting to a point that's dangerous, and I know I'll have to face it head on. I just don't know how.

I feel your pain also Laurie. Thank you so much for sharing with me. I hate beating a dead horse, but sometimes I go out of my mind just wanting comfort, of any kind. And this board, and you and others like you have become my life links. Sad or not, that's the place I'm in.

Hugs,

Lafaye

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Thu, 01-20-2005 - 1:05pm

Wow Lafaye, I don't know what to say. I feel terrible for you and for my girlfriend. I hope this is not how my behavior had her feeling. You need to let your girlfriend read what you posted, you really do. If she knew what she was doing to you she might take her enhancer, or try something else.


When I went through my "I don't want to have sex" spell, Jen said it was ok because she didn't want me to have sex with her just for her. But, my spell only lasted a couple weeks. I made love to her anyway, because I knew she needed that, and never told her I wasn't in the mood. Once she told me if she ever found out I was faking it she would be very upset - so I didn't tell.


Try to keep it in mind that it's not your fault and its not personal. It's got to be a chemical/hormonal thing. I "snapped out of it", and fear it's return at any moment. There's no explaining why women like me get that way. I wish I had wiser words for you.


Hugs-


Sandr

Avatar for lafaye_ak
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Registered: 08-08-2003
Thu, 01-20-2005 - 1:30pm

Hi Sandra,

Thank you for your kindness. Damn, think I'm going to cry here. It's hard feeling so alone with an issue like this. My GF knows. The same things, worded a bit differently are in my journal, my only other outlet and out of desperation one day I let her read it. I've never let anyone set eyes on my journal. She got defensive, which in part I do understand. We just fight about it so I've quit. I bottle everything up I'm feeling and when I'm not expressing it here, I'm writing or just internalizing.

My GF does not even try. She really doesn't. She just tells me she doesn't feel like it, or if I ask her to let me make love to her, she says I don't know, or something like it. It is always some kind of rejection but she expects to receive the affection (just affection) she needs. It's an extreme imbalance and I can't deal with it. I feel bitter, resentful, and angry. And I don't know what else to do to help her understand. I understand hers; which is why in the beginning I didn't bother her about it and it really did not bother me because in the back of my mind I thought, she'll at least try, we'll try...together. I had no worries. Now, it's just a torturous hell that becomes more unbearable with each passing day. That on top of other issues and I feel like doomsday is right around the corner.

She doesn't make love to me because I need it. She truly does not see that our lives now revolve completely around her and her needs. And I resent her for it. It just doesn't seem right. I try to be understanding, undemanding, patient, kind about all this. It's becoming more and more difficult.
But, I can only wait now and see what happens. Thank you for sharing and replying Sandra.

Lafaye.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Thu, 01-20-2005 - 1:38pm

Lafaye,


If I was doing to Jen what your partner is doing to you - I would want her to leave me.


No one should be that miserable. Sometimes emotional love isn't enough - the physical part is critical, IMO.


I'm sorry, but if Jen was suffering like you are suffering, I would hope she wouldn't settle for that. If she isn't willing to try something to help you then how can she say she loves you? She is causing you pain and love shouldn't hurt.


Just my 2 cents.....don't make any big decisions based on my opinion PLEASE!


Sandr

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Thu, 01-20-2005 - 1:39pm

Lafaye,


I dont have any magic words for you, I wish I did.

*hugs             

Avatar for lafaye_ak
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2003
Thu, 01-20-2005 - 1:44pm

Thank you Caly. I appreciate it. I feel the same way. She asked me once if I could honestly say that we'd make love if I was in her shoes. I told her without a doubt yes, because another part of loving someone is ensuring their needs are met, whatever the sacrifice.

Thank you for replying and thinking of me.

I am so thankful I'm working from home today although I am not very productive at the moment. I have been going since 3 am and I'm almost done and that was a feat. I'm so distracted today. It'll be nice to have a day to just do nothing once my project is finished.

Lafaye

Avatar for lafaye_ak
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Registered: 08-08-2003
Thu, 01-20-2005 - 1:46pm

No worries Sandra I won't. Though the thought has been needling at me. This isn't something that is recent. It's been going on for quite some time. My GF is very selfish sometimes. She just doesn't think that way.
Honestly, I don't know what I am going to do right now. I have some hope, even though there are days when I have none. I am hanging onto that thread of hope with all my might.

Lafaye




Edited 1/20/2005 1:51 pm ET ET by lafaye_ak
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Thu, 01-20-2005 - 2:33pm
Good for you Lafaye, too many people give up too easy. On the other hand, many are mistreated and should leave. Only you can make that decision my friend!


Sandr

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