Could use some different opinions

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Could use some different opinions
17
Fri, 01-21-2005 - 6:19pm
Hi Everyone,
I guess I am what is termed a lurker. I should introduce myself. I am 33, have two cats, a fish and live in California and have just gotten out of a 7 month relationship with my GF who is 25. It all happend very suddenly, we rarely fought, and suddenly she decides after a party we attended that she wanted to be alone, that she always does this in relationships, gets too involved, doesnt know who she is anymore , etc etc. She told me after we attended this party that it reminded her of her single days, her free days and though I have treated her better than any lover, that she had thought she could actually grow old with me, she needed time to miss me again. 2 weeks later we , she broke up with me. I had been single for several years and wasnt looking, and definitely not for someone with such an age difference, but we met, started emailing eachother, met up at a club one night, and we fell, cautiously in love since we both werent looking. But, it happend. The last several months have been the happiest of my life, I guess you dont know how lonely you are until you meet someone who you really click with. We liked the same books, movies etc etc but had enough differences to make things interesting and fun. Its been two months, she has a personal ad up on a dating site, I've heard she is dating several people (one she met at that party!). She never really told me why we broke up, only that the one time I've seen her out she said she missed me and thinks of me often. She has a new group of friends, not the ones I hung out with her with, they are all single, have dated eachother or whatnot and it seems so , well , shallow. Is this just an age thing and should I have known better? If I am so great, why leave? My friends are all in long term relationships and rarely go out anymore, so for me to go out, would be to be alone and seeing my previous GF and her new dates, friends etc etc, and frankly feels humiliating, but where am I to go to meet new people? LA can be small town when you're gay and not 21 anymore. Any advice would be welcome! Thanks for listening!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 01-21-2005 - 9:26pm

Sandra is a live wire! But, you can have the g/f. I tend to find 30-50 something women attractive. Besides, I'm declaring celibacy. I live in the Bible belt and can't get a date. So, the way I look at it is, if I declare celibacy, then at least I have some control over it. I figure that there must be more to life. So, I’m getting my degree and volunteering my time to help all. At least there will be no more disappoints or endless crushes on heterosexual women.

rj :)

rj

Franco Harris of the Pittsburgh Steelers in 197

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Fri, 01-21-2005 - 9:31pm
Welcome Lucky.. Glad you decided to come out of the lurking spot *Smiles, but sorry you have such sad things to post about..
L.A. Huh? I was born there and my Mom moved me out at 2 weeks and I have never been back.. Any how you have gotton some good advice so far..
33 ?..25? Not a huge difference in age really.. My partner and I are more than that but I am not saying ..*Smiles.. I don't think age has to be the reason as others have said It could be or couldn't.. I have to say I also find it very cold the way you described her going about it..
Most likely it was something that was being thought about before without her mentioning it.. But then, there are those people that just do, up and leave..Never giving a

 C  >^. A .

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Fri, 01-21-2005 - 9:37pm

Hi!.. Dear (((RJ))) yes I am trying to stay warm.. Aggghhhh Us too! Snow storm starting tomorrow middle of day and all the way til Sunday.. Thank heavens I will be out of work


 C  >^. A .

Avatar for cooledbyair
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 01-21-2005 - 11:24pm
Hey Lucky.....well sorry you ummm de-lurked for advice on such a bad thing but welcome regardless......I can say well I have been in many situations but not your exact one.I understand about LA being a small town when you are gay and not 21...well Actually I don't because I have never been to LA but well anyplace seems pretty secluded when you are gay and not 21 I think,lol...
I can say at 22 or 23 I met my first gf ....she was visiting a friend of her's who happened to be a friend of mine....(around her there are few lesbians and I was friends with them all yet they to seem to 'share' gf's or pass them around...not my thing at all)she liked all my friends but me..Then one night the friend she was visiting got sick,I kept her company,not really even sure of my sexuality yet and BOOM....we got together,she had problems in NY at school(finances)...she called wanting to move her(NC) I agreed.....after 8 months we moved back for her to finish school....I came back to see my family...then a day later she wanted her 'space'.....a week later I called and her girlfriend was there....strange thing was she was the one when we began dating that wanted the commitment...not saying I didn't...but knew the distance from NY to NC was to much for a relaitonship in my eyes......I don't think age is a factor.....I am now 30....most people I date are around the mid twenties....(the south ,well you can't be to picky,lol)....the lady I am interested in now or ummm not sure interested is the world(another long tale,lol) is probably 12 years older then myself.....I normally tend to date younger for I look and act younger at times.....sorry this has happened to you,yet maybe it happened for a reason????maybe it will turn out for the best and who knows she probably will come crawling back,just your choice on what you want to do????my most recent ex decided to leave me....walk out.....it was her decision....then thought she could call and things would be fine when her partying was over for the weekend...I chose not to take her back.....we can make choices and once in awhile it feels good to stand your ground.....ok I am so rambling....I apologize,lol.....just because one 23 year old???did you wrong didn't mean all of them will???age is just a number????hugs and hope you can see the postive side soon.....hope things look up for you...and make yourself at home,I don't always talk this much(lol).....Jo
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Sat, 01-22-2005 - 7:46pm
Hi Lucky and welcome from lurkdom.
I think that you should move on. I don't know if she has been planning this behind your back or if she is just that spontanious. Either way I doubt that she is going to be loyal in the near future.
It's okay to play the dating game if everyone is in the know. Not everyone is ready to settle down at the same time.
I have been there and done that, (just dating) everyone was in the know and it seemed to work out just fine.
I don't know why everyone needs to think that dating someone means it should be forever. You are not old yourself lucky, I think you should still have fun and get out there and date. Let people know that you are just dating and not looking to settle down yet, heck that is when I had more dates than ever. You do not have to have sex with everyone you date either. Just have fun, get to know people, flirt, date, enjoy for awhile. Eventually you will meet someone that you just click with. I would even hang out with her and her friends sometimes now that you know where everybody stands. Dating can be a lot of fun and should be. It can be very depressing to only be looking for that right one when you just might have passed her up because you did not want to get out and date. Heck... that is what dating is all about.
Good luck and stick around, this is a really good board.
Hugs,
Laurie

My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Mon, 01-24-2005 - 6:52pm
Wow! Thats alot of responses, thanks to everyone! I've been reading about how some people are addicted to the 'honeymoon phase' and once they get bored or filled up, they split...she has had more dates in the last 5 years than me and my friends put together, but only 3 long term GF's ( I was the longest, hmnnnn)....yes, best to move on I guess, still hurts like a @##%$ though....I dont know if I can handle being friends now. Her new friends have all dated eachtother, screwed around with eachothers girlfriends etc etc, and that just isnt my scene. I am not saying they are bad people, but how do you make friends with people like that who you cant trust? I guess its just my ego that wont let me go out alone for fear of looking like a loser, so highschool I know. Thanks for your replies!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Mon, 01-24-2005 - 7:09pm
Awwwwww, lucky, it's all up to you who you choose for friends. I have a huge mix of friends. They all have different morals, but I find each one interesting.
Some I am more close to than others. When I was young, I was a player and I dated other players too. Now some of my friends are players but, who am I to judge them. Sometimes that is just where a person is at that time in their life. It could also be called just dating.
Sometimes, it is fun to just date if you don't want to feel like you have to be answering to one person all the time. I don't mean that in a bad way. When I was finishing my degree after I left the Navy, I did not want the responsibilities of a commitment and I didn't have time for one so, I just stayed single and dated. I think if you let the other people know that you are feeling this way it is fine. But if you are looking for more, then you can just be friends with those who are just dating and not date them.
Maybe, I sound like a total dog the more I ramble here. I hope I am conveying the messege correctly.
Hugs,
Laurie

My web pages
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html http://hometown.aol.com/didoangst/myhomepage/photo.html

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