Ex Husband issue

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Ex Husband issue
17
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 12:04pm

Ladies,


I need some (more) help.

Scarlett
my blog

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 12:18pm

Scarletter,

Has he written any of these threats down? How old are your children?

I have lived through the threat of having my children taken away, and would like to share some of what I went through. Sounds like he's more of a threat to your childrens well being than you are.

Let me know.

hugs
halo

hugs

halo

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 2:16pm
I am sorry you are going through this. My son's father kinda did that to me too. I dont think you have anything to worry about. How old are your kids? If they are old enough to understand, talk to them. Jeremy is only 5 and I have talked with him about the diffrences between what his dad says and truth and he understands that Daddy just still wants Mommy so he is making things hard for everyone. If you need anything let me know, I am here for you!
Mandi
Avatar for cooledbyair
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 4:55pm
hey scarletter....
long ago we had harrassing phone call....think it was radio shack my dad went to(I was young) and bought some things...pretty cheap....to record phone conversations...yeah it is illegal to record conversations when people don't know they are being recorded....but in a heated battle on the phone you can tell him you are recording it and he probably won't believe you are actually recording it....but if he were to threaten you,you call the cops and they hear the tape....I doubt they would drop the issue simply because he was not aware you were recording ...threats are threats right???
well if your kids are young it is possible he could "convince " them he is right and mommy and her friend are wrong....My ex's husband didn't do that and well they were kind of young enough not to care....my ex said I was the most postive influence they could ever have and he didn't bash me...even though I was dating his wife....your ex husband???does he have semi-civil times or is he always unrealistic and screaming???depending on what state you are in and how gay friendly...I think you should find a lawyer...for the threats as well....a lawyer can help you will all this and just my two cents.....wish I were a lawyer because sexual preference HAS NO BEARING on what kind of parent you are and how you are with your kids.....and I believe that is the truth...to bad here in the south things aren't so huh????god bless you and best of luck,Jo
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 5:23pm

Halo,


No he has not written anything down, just insinuates that he knows what is going on in my life (which is none of his business as far as I'm concerned,) and will do anything to protect the children.


He said today that what Ashley and I are doing is just as bad as a person who molests children except what we're doing isn't illegal.

Scarlett
my blog

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 5:27pm

Dear Mandi,


Thank you for your support.

Scarlett
my blog

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 6:13pm

Ok, the children are still yours. At the age they are, you are their mommy, and no matter what he says he can't change that.

You should take the children to a counselor because of his meddling with their minds. Find a gay friendly counselor, one that was used by someone you know and trust. Many claim to be gay friendly, and they're not. When we went to my childrens counselor, she told me after my d-ex left, that the children were not going to bond with him the way that they bonded with me. Her words of wisdom were that the childrens love for me, far outweighs anything that he can say to destroy me.

My ex threatened me for years to take the children away. Then I became empowered and he backed off. My attorney told me, that he couldn't take the children away from me unless, I was physically doing something in front of my children to warrant such action. So, unless he has physical evidence that what your doing with your girlfriend is done in front of the children, then he has no legal ground to threaten you. It wouldn't be a bad idea to let him know that your not afraid of his threats. He wants you to feed off of them, because he's an angry person, and he's used to manipulating you. Make a suggestion that because this relationship is going to be an issue for him, that you will need to get an increase in child support to pay for the counseling the children will need. When it comes to money and the fear of losing more of it, that should back him off. Also, his verbal attack on you with the children is grounds for seeking visiting limitations against him. Call your attorney. Use caution if your living with this woman and your letting the children come into the bedroom, and crawling into bed with you.. Take no chances, lock your door, and don't make your bed a family bed. With his threats, he can easily use that against you.

Use this time also to do some diversity training with your children. They need to hear the other side of the story, and if your afraid to expose them to your world, then they will be more likely to listen to his attacks on you. Here are some of the ways I introduced my children to my life style. Find out if Pflag has any gay friendly family events taking place in your community. Drop hints and open up discussions with them about other people who are gay. Introduce them to friends of yours who are gay. My daughter went to a ballet with a friend of mine. Her and her partner were always at the house. One day I took her to my friends wedding. On the way to the wedding she asked what the guys name was? I told her straight up that she was marrying another woman. She said ewww? Then I asked her, I thought you liked her? I do. Then why can't you be happy for her that shes marrying someone that she loves? What if when you are in high school, you fall in love with a boy who is black? How would you feel if you brought him home to meet me, and I told you ewww? Would you want me not to love you anymore because I didn't agree with your relationship. She of course said no. Then I talked to her about love and diversity. These are the types of things that I did to open her eyes to a new world.

My children were at the same age as yours. Today they are healthy happy and hip children at their school. All their friends know I'm gay, and they have fun when they come to my home. Enough rambling. I'm sorry things are like they are, but, don't live in fear...That's what he wants you to do! Hope this helps some,

hugs
halo

hugs

halo

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 6:55pm

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{scarletter}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}.

Even thought you've received the best suggestions there's nothing I can say. But I want you to know that I support you also. Everything will be ok, just hold on, follow the wonderful suggestions and you will come out on top.

 


Hugs,


Sebastian


 


http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 8:18pm
(((((Hugs Scarlett)))))Sorry you and your partner and kids are going through this.. I understand how you are feeling.. I went through something along those lines, only I fell for all the threats and feared my ex.. Different story line then yours ..Kids involved... but different story.. Any How Hon.. You got some really good advice from others.. Especially keeping the children away from your bedroom/lock the door advice.. I agree on that big time..
Hope things do a turn around and he stops doing as he is doing *Sigh..
((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))

((((Hugs))))


 C  >^. A .

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2004
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 8:52pm

Who, an in the words of that big ornery bird, ah say whooooo does he think he is? None of his no good business who your partner is, and he has no right to be judgemental. It's not like he is an impartial observer here, this guy has a chip on his shoulder and he is going to torment you like ex's so love to do. Been there, still do that.


*hugs*


Avatar for lafaye_ak
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2003
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 9:53pm

I understand how you feel. I have one of those and we went to court over it. Child Custody Investigator involved and everything. If it is any consolation the CCI stated in her report to the judge that my sexual orientation had no bearing or weight in the decisioning about custody. My ex dropped the case shortly after that.

I understand about exes and I hope yours reigns this in soon. It could get ugly like it has gotten for me, but there are things you can do. I had to get a restraining order this last Monday because he saw fit to assault me while picking up my son.

If he starts making any kind of threats don't hesitate to do this.
It's sad but start keeping a record of everything, the phone calls, the things he's saying to your children. It can be deemed mental abuse (depending on your state I guess) against you and most importantly the children. The war my ex waged against me 2 years ago has backfired and now he stands to lose everything simply because he tried to persecute me for my lifestyle.

I hope things get better rather than worse, but once they start in on the "lesbian issues" they only get worse. Just keep in mind that your relationship is JUST AS NORMAL as a hetro relationship. The same respect is accorded your family and your children. We're not animals or beasts for crying out loud! GRRR!!

We're respectful people and we carry ourselves as such. My son is happier when he's here because he doesn't have to deal with the drama my ex brings all the time.

You're in a stable relationship; your kids and your partner get along yes? I wouldn't worry about him Scarlett. I think he's jealous, his ego is in the way, and he's using the children as pawns to get at you. Don't let him.

I let fear rule me for a long time. But that CCI gave me more strength than she will EVER EVER know. She gave me the power to stand up to him and say try again buddy because that lousy plan failed. He's a JA of the worst kind; espousing that he is protecting his child while the whole time he's only hurting him.

You'll be okay Scarlett. He would have to prove a mighty mighty case to take them from you. Times are changing, slower than a constipated snail going uphill in January (LOL, I had to use that. I just love that phrase from one of our boardies) but they're different enough now that lesbianism is not ranked up there with drug abuse, child molestation and the like.

Good luck.

You can email me through my profile ANYTIME if you need to.

Hugs Hun,

L.




Edited 1/28/2005 10:01 pm ET ET by lafaye_ak

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