Seriously Disturbed original Post

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
Seriously Disturbed original Post
26
Fri, 02-04-2005 - 1:37am

discussion title:
Seriously Disturbed
emoticon:
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message #:
8363.1
from:
sandralea33 Member Icon
date:
11:21 pm
replies:
1

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I have been reading through posts here tonight and I found myself feeling very sad. I am not quite sure what I am going to say in this post yet - or how to say this without making anyone mad or defensive. As you read it, just remember I am in the same boat and not judging anyone or critisizing anyone as I did the same thing.

Sadie, Laurie, let's test your CL skills.....LOL! Sorry to do this to ya girls I just feel like I should say something.

I feel very guilty. I am seriously disturbed when I read posts about divorce and celebration. I am sure I did the same thing, well, I'm not sure but if someone wants to look back and check I had to cover my backside. Anyway, many of us here are recently divorced - most if not all of us have one or more children involved. Most of us left behind heartbroken husbands. My family was ripped apart and all I can say is whoo hooo I am a lesbian!

That seems wrong.

I know we can't all sit around feeling bad all the time. But it seems disrespectful to our kids, and our ex husbands to celebrate our new lives while they are left wondering what the heck happened. My daughter will never be the same since my divorce, my coming out, and all that goes with it. Should I be cheering about that? I feel a little selfish. Luckily, I didn't lose much time with my daughter in the divorce, she only goes with her Dad a couple hours a week and that's not regular. But Thanksgiving was hard, and Christmas was hard. Her life is hard because of me.

No, I wasn't happy in my marriage all the time - but it was stable, and secure and predictable - things kids need. Why did we take that from our kids? Couldn't we have waited, sacrificed for them? Shouldn't they be #1? Didn't we all look at them they day they were born and promise to give them the best life possible?

OK, I am rambling. I guess my point is that I feel like I am part of something that I don't like. How can we all celebrate our sexuality while our children cry themselves to sleep at night. If you think they don't, and they wouldn't put their life back how it was you are in denial. Someone help me out here.

Sandra

Hugs, Laurie Check out my new blog. co-cl of Lesbian Life Message Board Email- didoangst@comcast.net http://didoangst.blogspot.com/ http://www.4-lesbianlife.com/

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Fri, 02-04-2005 - 1:50am
Wow!.. Yes indeed this is

 C  >^. A .

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
Fri, 02-04-2005 - 2:01am
Thanks lee.
I have always tried to encourage you to post your thoughts.
It would break my heart if you did not feel comfortable in doing so.
I always love to read your posts when you do post them.
This is our board, everyones board and I hope it can feel like a safe place for people to come to.
I hope you will feel comfortable to post your thoughts and when you do I hope you will post them.
Hugs lee,
Hugs, Laurie Check out my new blog. co-cl of Lesbian Life Message Board Email- didoangst@comcast.net http://didoangst.blogspot.com/ http://www.4-lesbianlife.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Fri, 02-04-2005 - 2:07am
(((((((((((Hugs back Hon))))))))

 C  >^. A .

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Fri, 02-04-2005 - 8:22am

Hi!


Sandra I am glad this post came back,

 *Hugs ~  Caly

aka  

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2005
Fri, 02-04-2005 - 9:19am

((((((((((Sandra))))))))) This is a very difficult topic to discuss, especially over the 'net when, like Caly said, you can't hear another person's voice or see their expressions and gestures. It's hard to do that on the phone even.


I wanted to say that I value what you and everyone has to say here, and while we can't know all the details of each person's situation, I see this board as a place to provide support and friendship no matter what each individual's views are of a situation. I have only disclosed a very, very small piece in the puzzle that was my marriage and divorce. My relationship with Caly was not the main reason I left, although it was of course a very significant reason. I left because of many things.


In private moments I have and will continue to grieve the loss of the good years that XH and I had together. I never thought I would utter the words "I'm divorced". But, sometimes life brings you challenges that you don't expect, and I think you have to weigh the consequences of how you choose to handle those challenges. Is it better to stay in an unhappy marriage because of the kids? I think only the couple can know that. One thing I have learned throughout my divorce is that I cannot make any judgments about another person's life behind closed doors without knowing all of the details, and frankly, it's not my business to know those details. I have lost almost every mutual friendship that XH and I had because they only heard his perception of what happened in our marriage. Not one of those friends ever came to me to offer support and an ear to bend. I am extremely hurt that they have made assumptions and judgments based on one person's view of things. Whether or not I was wrong is not the point. I was prepared for that though and had the strength to push forward and not let that bring me down when I did make the final decision to leave.


Laurie wrote about she and her siblings hearing the late night fights and seeing her mom cry and how much that affected them. That's what happened in my situation. My 3 year old would ask me over and over out of the blue "Mommy are you still sad, Mommy are you gonna cry again, etc." When XH and I would be talking and our voices would raise even the slightest, she would either burst into tears or stop dead in her tracks and stop talking. A look of fear would sweep across her face. Many, many people think that I did the wrong thing by leaving XH while my DDs

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2005
Fri, 02-04-2005 - 9:33am

I am so glad Laurie reposted this. I still, to this day, have mixed feelings of regret and anguish over my divorce. I also did not go out to the bar and celebrate my sexuality - I stayed home and cryed for weeks. It tore me apart, having to tell sweetfeets that mommy and daddy could not be together anymore. This post really bring back some sad, empty feelings. Please don't feel guilty about putting me to the test sandra. As Laurie stated, we took on the role of co-cl's

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Fri, 02-04-2005 - 10:54am

Sadie,

Thanks for understanding. I really don't want to talk about this anymore. That is why I took it off. But thanks for being a friend.

Caly, Ting, Cat, Bug.....and if I missed anyone I am sorry - thanks for your understanding.

Sandra

Sandr

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
Fri, 02-04-2005 - 1:49pm
Sandra, you have ivillage mail.
Hugs
Hugs, Laurie Check out my new blog. co-cl of Lesbian Life Message Board Email- didoangst@comcast.net http://didoangst.blogspot.com/ http://www.4-lesbianlife.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Fri, 02-04-2005 - 3:12pm

I'm really glad that I had the opportunity to read this post of Sandra's.

Scarlett
my blog

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Fri, 02-04-2005 - 3:55pm
got it! now YOU have mail....lol

Sandr

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