Am I bi-sexual or lesbian? Or is this no

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Am I bi-sexual or lesbian? Or is this no
13
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 10:52am

For the past 6 or 7 years, ever since I got a computer, I've constantly looked up photos of large breasted women, read lesbian erotic stories about big breasts and masturbated to them. I am a young woman in my early twenties and I've never been attracted to a real live woman--and I had plenty of opportunities to be, as I went to all-girls school from 6-12th grade. It started out as my wanting to compare my own breasts to famous women like Playboy models, b/c I wanted to know what the guys were drooling over. BUT THAT IS NOT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT. It's not about the media or how it promotes female images, b/c these women aren't Playboy models that I look at now. They're naturally large breasted women, never women w/implants. Usually ugly faces, too.

Guilty about masturbation--I'd have to say that growing up, sexuality was very repressed and shameful to talk about. Even saying the word "boobs" in front of my mother got me scolded. After I look up the breast pictures and read stories about big breasts, I feel dirty, terrible and like I've ruined my chances for good things to happen to me b/c I've sinned. I was raised Catholic and feel guilty and like my life won't be as good as it could be b/c masturbation and especially, looking at pics of other women naked, are considered sins.

I'm definitely attracted to men. I don't want to touch another woman. I don't like reading heterosexual erotic stories b/c I am grossed out by the descriptions and they seem degrading and disgusting. Male strippers gross me out, so I'm not interested in looking at strange men's penises. I am attracted to real life men's bodies though. I didn't even like reading porn stories about hetero sex until recently, when I read stories featuring Sonny from General Hospital in them. (He's super-masculine and hot.)

These are the facts:
*I've never touched or wanted to touch/kiss/etc. a real live woman--or even the big boobed women on the Internet that I look up. My fantasies of them NEVER have included me.

*Any fantasies I have of myself sleeping w/someone involve a handsome, very masculine guy.

*I had a very negative first sexual experience at 16/17 and I made a mistake in the person I chose to sleep with--not the fact that it was a guy. He'd slept w/a lot of women and out of guilt, I convinced myself that I probably had HIV and was going to be punished. I have OCD and anxiety disorder, so these feelings weren't rational or true in any way.

*I can't explain why I like looking at pictures of naturally big breasts. Maybe I look up pictures of naked women and read about large breasted women b/c I somehow feel safer and distance myself from my own first negative sexual experiences with that guy.

Do I look up these pictures of women w/naturally large breasts b/c I'm curious about women's bodies? (I've never seen female friends or female strangers naked, nor have I ever wanted to.) Or do I look them up b/c I'm bi-sexual? Or even gay?

*****

****MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION OF THIS ENTIRE POST:
Does it make me bisexual or a lesbian if I fantasize about big breasted women touching each other, even if I don't ever want to touch another woman and have never wanted to?****

*****
I am in therapy, but far too ashamed and dirty to admit anything more than that I masturbate. I've never told my therapist or anyone else that I look up this stuff.




Edited 2/8/2005 11:25 am ET ET by februaryjones

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 11:52am


Hello februaryjones, my name is Gigi. I can understand that you like to look at boobs, I know that I do to. I wouldn't compare my body to the women of Playboy, because they are built the way they are built. And I'll tell you what, all I can do is just look and drool. And to tell you the truth, I've never seen an ugly Playboy bunny, it's the inside that brings out their beauty.

In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with masturbation, it has its purpose. It's healthy and it does wonders for a person's libido, if they are horny, and if they are away from their partner or spouse. If I had a pin-up of my favorite porn star, hanging in my apartment, and I masturbated to it. Then I, personally, don't see a problem. Also,I don't consider it to be a sin. How is it a sin, if you're not hurting anyone one?

I follow some of the Catholic churches teachings, that's one of my spiritual paths, I don't accept all of its teachings, because of the patriarchy that rules it.

Only you know if you are attracted to men, you just had one bad experience. If you're not being honest with your therapist, then he or she cannot help you.

No, it doesnt' make you bisexual or lesbian because you fantasize or look at big breasted women. You just like how they look and there's nothing wrong with it. I like big breasted women, but I prefer thighs, lol!

My strongest suggestion is that you do get tested, don't rely on what he has said, you don't have to look sick to be infected. Get tested, asap! You can't see a disease on the outside of the body, you must be tested to be sure.

Even though, I tried to answer some of your question, I hope that you understand a few things.

Anyway, welcome. I hope that you come back again, and ask more questions.

 


Hugs,


Sebastian


 


http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 11:59am
About testing, I asked my doctors (regular physician and gyno) b/c they know all about my sexual life. I also asked my therapist and she said she didn't think I had HIV and the test would just be a mind over matter thing. They said I'd know by now, b/c it doesn't lie dormant. And it's been nearly seven years.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 12:02pm

Well, good, I'm glad that you are ok, Still welcome.

 


Hugs,


Sebastian


 


http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 1:53pm

These are the facts:
*I've never touched or wanted to touch/kiss/etc. a real live woman--or even the big boobed women on the Internet that I look up. My fantasies of them NEVER have included me.


*Any fantasies I have of myself sleeping w/someone involve a handsome, very masculine guy.



Hi there!


Just by what you have written there I would pretty much say you are not a Lesbian or a bisexual.

 *Hugs ~  Caly

aka  

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 3:40pm

Now that you said that about getting tested, I've been absolutely beside myself with horrible anxiety. I went back to bed and huddled under the covers and I've been torturing myself all day with terrible thoughts, like: the reason I haven't had a serious boyfriend is b/c God probably knows I'm diseased and would spread it; OR the reason I don't have a job or many friends is b/c my life will be over soon. There was no reason for him to tell me he gave blood to his sister's newborns and he is healthy and successful now. He was always good about getting tested, and I never even would have heard he'd been tested except for him bringing it up when we first met. He volunteered the information and I didn't know what to say back. Anyway, it's been nearly seven years and now I've scared the hell out of myself all day, looking up symptoms.

I had finally put this anxiety behind me with the help of my therapist until today. She reassured me that she was so sure I was negative that if she even thought I might not be, that she would certainly make sure I went to go get tested. Also, we were 17 at the time we did this in 1998, so the likelihood of his encountering someone w/AIDS from the high school set was pretty slim. I read a book called Bias which said that the media has made AIDS seem like the killer next door, could happen to anyone. But it is misleading, b/c HIV is almost always traced to someone engaging in one of the original high-risk behaviors like anal sex and IV drugs. This guy is an award-winning journalist. .

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 5:20pm

Hello februaryjones,

I didn't mean to frighten you, and I do apologize. Unless your therapist is a medical doctor, she couldn't probably know whether you were infected for sure. The symptoms of HIV are not the same as any other sickness, the symptoms are very specific. Please february, please, I'm begging you, this is nothing to brush aside. Still I don't mean to frighten you, go get tested.

 


Hugs,


Sebastian


 


http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 5:21pm
Hi februaryjones,
Welcome to the board. My name is Laurie and I am glad that you feel comfortable enough to post here.
First of all I know the way we are raised can sure lay some guilt trips on us when we step outside of those bounderies.
So many people have many different sexual interests. It does not mean you are gay, or Bi, or anything else including bad.
It just means that this part of a body intrigues you.
I to am in therapy and I promise you that it is a very good idea to talk to your therapist about everything and anything that is on your mind. This especially. Otherwise he/she will not be able to help you while only knowing bits and parts of what is going on with you.
Sort of like telling your doctor that you don't feel good but not describing all of your symptoms. He could treat you for the wrong things. A therapist is safe, non-judgemantal and by law, cannot share your information with anyone.
They have heard much more than what you have to share trust me.
In my opinion by what you describe, you do not seem gay to me. You have not fallen in love with women nor do you prefer to be intimate with women more than men. Unless you have not told us everything.
You and only you would know for sure that you are gay or heterosexual.
Sounds to me like you need to work on your issues of guilt with your therapist too.
I have to trust my therapist with evrything. I hope you will to. That is why there are there and that is what they do.
In the mean time, feel free to post here all you want. We are very supportive and you will find alot of different oppinions, answers and ideas here.
I really hope that you can find the answers that will comfort you. Or a way to accept the answers that might be giving you guilt feelings.
I urge you to discuss these things with your therapist too.
Many people find breasts sexually appealing or appealing in other ways. So, please do not feel guilty about it. And please do not think it means you are anything more than who you are in your heart. Breasts are a very important part of a womans body even for feeding their babies.
Hang in their, be true to yourself, trust your therapist, and please feel free to come back here and talk about these things.
Hope to see you soon. Take care,
Hugs, Laurie Check out my new blog. co-cl of Lesbian Life Message Board Email- didoangst@comcast.net http://didoangst.blogspot.com/ http://www.4-lesbianlife.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 5:43pm
Hi there again,
I have been feeling your pain about feeling scared to have hiv.
I was raped and assaulted years ago and it always creeps up in my mind. I have been tested as it was required by the military. I have had 3 tests all negative.
I also know some people in the gay community that have had scares as they have been sexually active with hiv positive partners, but they keep testing negative.
I think I would trust your doctors and therapist.
If it would help clear your mind then go ahead and get tested just for your own peace of mind. I hate to see you suffering like this with such a scare.
Life happens and God can give us the strength to deal with it. I do not think he would punish you as you say or we would all be going through the same means of punishment. Because nobody is perfect. Also God tells us to forgive each other 70 X''s 7 times a day if we need to and so I believe that if God is God he is better at forgiving than we are right? So if you really feel you have sinned then ask to be forgiven and God says he will cleans your sins away and they will be forgotten. Why be harder on yourself than God himself?
I hope that you will find peace of mind and that you can feel free of these burdens that you have been carrying.
Big hugs sweetie,
Hugs, Laurie Check out my new blog. co-cl of Lesbian Life Message Board Email- didoangst@comcast.net http://didoangst.blogspot.com/ http://www.4-lesbianlife.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2005
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 6:53pm

Hi februaryjones, welcome to Lesbian Life. I have read through this entire thread and have to agree with the others.


I do not see someone who is bi-sexual or lesbian in your posts. I see a human being who has her own sexual turn-ons. You came here looking for answers to your issues, and I am glad you felt you could trust us with that. We can definitely offer suggestions, support, advice - however we can help out, we will. But like the others, I strongly encourage you to open up more to your therapist. If you do not feel that you can do this, maybe you need to find another therapist you feel more comfortable with. I had to do that.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2003
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 10:16pm

Hi Februaryjones,


You may have already visited our HIV/AIDS board but if not, here is that link:


http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhhivaids


They might be able to give you more information on the testing, etc.

IVHealth Ruth Ann
Assistant Community Moderator/Health Librarian
rjohnson@mail.ivillage.com

IVHealth Ruth Ann
Community Leader/Ask the Health Librarian

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