Am I bi-sexual or lesbian? Or is this no

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Am I bi-sexual or lesbian? Or is this no
13
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 10:52am

For the past 6 or 7 years, ever since I got a computer, I've constantly looked up photos of large breasted women, read lesbian erotic stories about big breasts and masturbated to them. I am a young woman in my early twenties and I've never been attracted to a real live woman--and I had plenty of opportunities to be, as I went to all-girls school from 6-12th grade. It started out as my wanting to compare my own breasts to famous women like Playboy models, b/c I wanted to know what the guys were drooling over. BUT THAT IS NOT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT. It's not about the media or how it promotes female images, b/c these women aren't Playboy models that I look at now. They're naturally large breasted women, never women w/implants. Usually ugly faces, too.

Guilty about masturbation--I'd have to say that growing up, sexuality was very repressed and shameful to talk about. Even saying the word "boobs" in front of my mother got me scolded. After I look up the breast pictures and read stories about big breasts, I feel dirty, terrible and like I've ruined my chances for good things to happen to me b/c I've sinned. I was raised Catholic and feel guilty and like my life won't be as good as it could be b/c masturbation and especially, looking at pics of other women naked, are considered sins.

I'm definitely attracted to men. I don't want to touch another woman. I don't like reading heterosexual erotic stories b/c I am grossed out by the descriptions and they seem degrading and disgusting. Male strippers gross me out, so I'm not interested in looking at strange men's penises. I am attracted to real life men's bodies though. I didn't even like reading porn stories about hetero sex until recently, when I read stories featuring Sonny from General Hospital in them. (He's super-masculine and hot.)

These are the facts:
*I've never touched or wanted to touch/kiss/etc. a real live woman--or even the big boobed women on the Internet that I look up. My fantasies of them NEVER have included me.

*Any fantasies I have of myself sleeping w/someone involve a handsome, very masculine guy.

*I had a very negative first sexual experience at 16/17 and I made a mistake in the person I chose to sleep with--not the fact that it was a guy. He'd slept w/a lot of women and out of guilt, I convinced myself that I probably had HIV and was going to be punished. I have OCD and anxiety disorder, so these feelings weren't rational or true in any way.

*I can't explain why I like looking at pictures of naturally big breasts. Maybe I look up pictures of naked women and read about large breasted women b/c I somehow feel safer and distance myself from my own first negative sexual experiences with that guy.

Do I look up these pictures of women w/naturally large breasts b/c I'm curious about women's bodies? (I've never seen female friends or female strangers naked, nor have I ever wanted to.) Or do I look them up b/c I'm bi-sexual? Or even gay?

*****

****MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION OF THIS ENTIRE POST:
Does it make me bisexual or a lesbian if I fantasize about big breasted women touching each other, even if I don't ever want to touch another woman and have never wanted to?****

*****
I am in therapy, but far too ashamed and dirty to admit anything more than that I masturbate. I've never told my therapist or anyone else that I look up this stuff.




Edited 2/8/2005 11:25 am ET ET by februaryjones

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 11:51pm
Thanks ruthann!!
Laurie
Hugs, Laurie Check out my new blog. co-cl of Lesbian Life Message Board Email- didoangst@comcast.net http://didoangst.blogspot.com/ http://www.4-lesbianlife.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Wed, 02-09-2005 - 7:42pm

Re: testing. I talked to my parents about it and they were extremely helpful. Although they are not MDs, they were able to give me the reassurance I needed about this troubling issue. The person that I slept with--I should have given him a little more credit. he's never been foolish enough to not get tested regularly, b/c he likes to live a nice life and wouldn't jeopardize that. he is successful, happy and in a long-term relationship and much chubbier than he was when I knew him!!! My parents--I trust them implicitly and they would make me get tested if they thought I needed to be. And they reminded me that b/c I am currently unemployed, that I am obsessing about this issue b/c it is an excuse not to move forward. I awful-ized about my future and tried to play God--that is, I tried to draw conclusions about God's plans for my life through mundane things--like, turning on TV and having the Ryan White Story on Lifetime today scared the hell out of me, I thought it was a sign that God is trying to tell me I'm dying.

It wasn't accurate to post the stuff I did without mentioning that I have anxiety disorder and OCD. There is no reason for me to get tested, b/c it would be--IN THIS/MY CASE--giving in to an anxious fixation/obsession and validating something that doesn't exist.

My blood has been tested numerous times over the past 7 years for other things and my parents pointed out that I would be notified due to any antibodies in the blood that the lab noticed--even if they weren't specifically testing for HIV. I am not foolish and I realize now that I was letting my anxiety eat away at me. I am the type of person that hears of an accident on an amusement park ride and assumes that the time I go on it, it will happen again. So, it's very dangerous to tell me I should get tested b/c I have no reason to be tested. For that and about a dozen other reasons, I know I am 100% HIV negative and always have been.

Thank you for your kind words and advice, though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
Wed, 02-09-2005 - 9:15pm
You are not alone with OCD and Anxiety here.
I am happy that you have come to a resolution with this.
You are welcome and always welcome to post and thank you so much february for keeping us posted.
Hugs, Laurie Check out my new blog. co-cl of Lesbian Life Message Board Email- didoangst@comcast.net http://didoangst.blogspot.com/ http://www.4-lesbianlife.com/

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