Passion: What does it mean to you?
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| Sat, 02-19-2005 - 3:40pm |
Hi Sandra (and GIRLS,
I've never read one sentence in any post you've written to me that angered me Sandra. Heart's truth. You were an immense comfort, your encouragement gave ME the strength, among so many others here, to keep fighting. I know exactly what you're saying and the thought has crossed my mind. But, I feel something strangely like failure every time I think of moving on. I think about my son, how attached he is to her, and I wonder how I'd do it. I think about how much Chris says she loves me and I wonder, god how can I cause her so much pain, my own pain aside.
The love is THERE Sandra! Why can't I bring life to it? I sit up every night racking my brain. I keep asking myself; do I want to much? Do I need too much? She's told me many times that I overwhelm her. I'm a very very VERY passionate woman. I truly am. I feel everything so very deeply. A song can make me cry like I've lost my best friend. The perfectly penned verse in a book will make my heart just pound, tears flow down my cheeks and you'd think I was truly grieving when I've just been so profoundly touched that the emotion has no where else to go but OUT!
I feel that way about life; everything. I get lost in my passion sometimes. And I want someone who is just as passionate about life, love and me as I am about them. I get so wrapped UP in the emotion and passion and fire and pure FEELING that sometimes it is even too much for me. And I don't have that with Chris. I don't think I'll ever have that depth with ANYONE. I wonder how I have so much of it.
I wonder if other people feel as strongly as I do. I mean, I can remember words, be it one or a whole paragraph, verbatim, from being a child, that someone said to me that affected me, adversely or positively.
Passion is something I can just about say is like a second lover to me. I danced for hours 1:30 AM and danced in my living room floor, candles lit, music and earphones BLARING, completely LOST in my head. And when I realized that my body was tired, it was 5 am. I stopped briefly to come in here and post.
Now I have that word in my head: Passion. What is it for you ladies? What does it mean to you? What are you passionate about? What makes you spin inside? Are you consumed by this passion?
I seem to be consumed by the mere thought of passion in my life. I need it I think like I need air. I remember a scene from L Word, where Bett was with Peggy Peabody, and she was talking about her favorite artist, the one who spent 12 years photographing the same woman just to try and find the truth of her. Such passion, devotion. And when Peggy showed Bett the picture, the raw emotion, the raw passion for her pursuit of the beautiful expression of art was one of the most real I've ever seen on an actress's face. Sometimes I am caught up in things just like that. I've read about people who are soul fans of certains artists having bouts of such profound emotion they fainted, passed out, sobbed so that medical personnel were called.
I've experienced that once in my life: Just once, but it was so profound and deep that I thought my heart would tear asunder. So, am I the only one? There have to be more women out there like this.
To me in the area of love there is no limit. It is plainless, plateauless, endless, forever growing, expanding, filling, seeking, searching, learning, wanting needing more and more. It is infinite. I don't believe love, true pure love, whatever that may be, however it may feel and it must feel like ecstacy; should be stale, stagnant, in stasis. It should be awakening each and every day in our hearts for those we declare to love. How can this not be for so many of us? How? I just don't understand? It is a mindset? Is it that life has beaten us down so that we can't find the energy it takes to love? We all believe we have a soul mate out there somewhere. Someone who will flow with life the way we need flowation. (My word *smile*)
Is this depth too much for the human heart to sustain? This kind of power in love? Is our species too weak to carry that kind of passion unto the end of our lives?
These are the things I think about at 3 am when I turn in my bed and look at my GF's sleeping face. She's so soured anymored. Just sour; the only word I know to use. Everything seems to have just soured for her. There's no passion in her about anything. She's blase, going through the days and at the end of it so beaten down and worn out that the only energy she has left is bitter energy that drags at my heart and makes it sad. Last night was a perfect example:
I went out and stocked up on some really cool supplies for the Janitorial company Chris is spearheading. She wants so badly to get out from under a "boss." And I was so excited. I bought her a flower and her favorite cigar (lol, she's awfully cute toking on a cig) and went to pick her up that night from work. She never said a word, barely said thanks for the flowers, henpecked me for my efforts, went to eat, and went to bed. I was so disappointed. I was chomping at the bit: yeah it was only cleaning stuff, but my whole heart went into that little spree that we could ill afford. I was in a good mood; feeling lighthearted, one of OUR favorite CD's playing, I'm dancing in the truck on the way to her job, danced my way into her work, danced (or tried to) her out to the truck. And she was just not flowing. I asked her if she had a bad day. She said no, just another day. I asked her what was wrong, trying to figure out where she was. She just wasn't "there." I guess. So I left her alone, tried to detach from HER feelings since she didn't really share with me what was going, but it didn't work. I became sad and quiet and the night went on.
Was I wrong? We used to be so synchronized. She could flow into any situation I created for us and vice versa. And on those nights that she just couldn't vibe with me, I'd just sit and quietly hold her and we'd talk. We don't even do that anymore.
So I just wonder, what happened? What went wrong? I don't understand. We're both so young, I'm 29 and she'll be 30 in April. What's WRONG???????
Sorry ladies this is SO long, but this board is my only sounding board, and to come here and just let it all out sometimes is what I need.
I hope you all have a wonderful day and love touches you profoundly in some way!
Hugs,
Lafaye

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Lafaye,
There are so many things about your post that I intended to copy and paste to comment on, but I think I can sum it up in one sentence.
It sounds like you are vibrant, radiant, and very much alive - and that Chris is cold and dead inside.
You need to find a way to help bring her back to life. I can't help you there though because sadly enough...I am just like her.
many hugs, and hope you get some good advice in this thread - I could use it too!
Sandra
Sandr
Think I may be relating to your thoughts to some degree....Today is an odd day for me .Tonight I have a "date" with someone brand new,I have never met...she seems to be a very passionate lady.We have talked on-line for awhile now,she hosts a poetry site and she has even written some things such as how I brought her smile back and so on.
I am a writer/artist....they are my passions,...I am not published and not even saying that I am that good to begin with.
It is an odd day for me because exactly two years ago today the only lady that ever connected with me on the kind of level you spoke of passed away.I have two tattoos for her and well may have ten more before I die.
My family has mentioned how I never cry yet the older I get the easier my tears flow.My mom got me hooked on 7th heaven and I think every week one of there heartfelt family moments brings me to tears.I am a lover of romantic comedies and drama ,...they also effect me very much.
It was funny when chasity and I were together and I knew what she was thinking just by the look on her face,or a glimpse of her eyes,......she would maybe try to hide she was upset about something yet I always caught it.One night she had had a very tramatic evening,her cousin and her daughters where there as was I...when she walked in I said your pepsi is in the fridge and here are your smokes.She turned to her cousin and said "see what I mean".
I could get her from crying to smiling and laughing in about 7 minutes....
I had never seen anything in anyone eyes yet had always heard they were the key to the soul?...One night and every night after that one I saw it and was estatic...I could not believe it....it was so amazing and so moving just to look at her and see her eyes "dance"...I loved it.
I also never even envisioned forever with anyone...being 70....loving someone for the rest of our lives until her....
I have had a very very strong bond with friends at times...even knowing what they are thinking but never to such a greatness as I did with her.
And she is gone now yet there will not be a day in the rest of life that I don't love her.Now I don't think of her every single day....I don't ask what if any longer.We cannot control much in life and well death is one of the biggest things we are unable to control.
I'll never have another "chasity" yet I do hope that we have more then one single soulmate.It will be different if I ever find mine,yet great also...I know it won't be exactly the same yet I do hope for it...I waited 27 years to find Chasity?I would be willing to wait another 27 for something that mind blowing again.
I am sorry deeply for what you are going thru.I often worry and wonder what if?I am so afriad...I saw my brother and his boyfriend spilt after 7 years and I wonder what happens to love?what if it changes and we can't change with it or do not want to??I always prayed that chasity and I would be together,til the end....don't think she would have ever became different but what if we had and she did?It is scary to me.I don't want to spend 10 years with someone and then well....things just suddenly change.....maybe your gf could use a vacation or something?maybe even one alone to have time to miss you???I would have personally been upset over giving someone flowers and had no response.My personal thought depending on the situation could have made me feel as if I was taken for granted that moment.We all take people for granted on occassion....I think...maybe it is lost in our many thoughts??maybe it is ???she's not going anywhere theory???I have no clue...think you have mentioned this before (the situation) and I really hope you two can find some way to work this out for yourselves.....many hugs to you......Johanna
Hi Johanna,
First I hope your date goes well.
Second, I consider myself a writer also. Like you I'm not saying I'm very good. I have the Dante complex about my writing and it is a most difficult undertaking sometimes. But like you, it is the greatest passion, closest to my heart. It is my catharsis and if it ever left me I'd be lost.
I am envious of you, that even though that connection was fleeting, you experienced the one thing I, and I think many people, hope to one day feel.
I love romantic comedies and dramas too. They're my favorite movie genre. I cry at drama's laugh until I hurt at comedies and long after the credits have rolled I find myself thinking about the plots, characters and circumstances surrounding them. I take it further too, but I don't want to come across as totally ODD LOL!
You know what one of my favorite fantasies is? I've never told a soul, but hell, why not, we're sharing lol.
I have had a horrible day at work. I come home and my lover takes one look at me and knows exactly what I need. She helps me to decompress by putting in my favorite soothing CD. Fixes me an ice cold drink, starts a shower for me and just leaves me alone for 15 minutes. She gives me that slice of peace because she knows I desparately need it. And when I come down she can read me by how I am after my shower. And we can have a wonderful evening, regardless of what happened earlier. I fantasize about that so much. That one thing! Amazing it's not sexual huh?
Another one is to be at home, perhaps the lights are turned down low, I'm cooking a scrumptious meal, music spinning in the background, and my lover walks in and just vibes with me. Reads my mood and knows where I am.
And vice versa with her. I always ask: Why is this kind of synchronicity so difficult for two people that got together in the first place because of vibes that meshed so perfectly they felt a relationship was the next step?
I have always been quick to show emotion. I am a "Wear my heart on my sleeve" woman and I've been condemned for it in every relationship I've had. I've been made to feel weak because of the intense emotion I feel. If it is there, it is there for most people to see. I don't know how to hide it, and quite frankly I don't want to. It is real, genuine, a part of me, my soul. Why should I hide it?
I am like your Chastity. I am so readable I am truly an open book. It is not hard to know me. I truly isn't; if you are perceptive, aware, and OPEN to me. There will never be a day of confusion for you if you're that way with me. And that's anyone that's in my life.
I do believe the eyes are the windows to the soul. And I believe the mouth is the key to unlocking the deepest chambers of the heart.
I've always wanted someone to be able to shake up my world. Make me laugh, or cry with joy. But you have to be in tune I think. I don't know how that tuning occurs. Is it natural? Learned? Both? For me, it just is. I am an avid observer of people. I watch them, study them, get to know them in ways that most people tell me is a bit disconcerting. But how else am I to know the person? People fascinate me. And it's just that more compelling when it's someone I am in love with. I have been told I am intrusive (current GF told me that) that I scared her with how much I saw.
I wonder how many people can say they saw their lover's eyes "dance." I've never been able to envision being with someone until I was 70 either. Not even now. But I've seen one couple that had been together over 50 years, and the look shared between them was so poignant, so pure that it brought tears to my eyes and a pang to my heart. I asked them, how they did it, there in the parking lot of the Sheraton Hotel. The one lady turned to me and said. I gave myself completely to her, without fear, without reservation. I gave my soul to her. And she meant it. And it was so apparent....
I have yet to declare I've found a soul mate. I love Chris don't get me wrong. But something big is missing. We had something at one point that was amazing that could have been nurtured. Now, I don't know. I just don't know.
Iam afraid too Johanna. Terrified actually. I keep thinking what if this is the way it really is for most of the world? The few that have it must have been set down here from a world unlike our own. I see splits after that many years and I have become so jaded, very cynical in anything lasting. How can it last I ask when people are hell bent on destroying each other? It seems that way. We set out to rip each other to shreds one way or another. And I don't understand. You can take the most loving woman in the world and break her heart too many times and you've got an embittered angry person. And why? Why when that love was there, it had to have been there, but somewhere along the way ...what? Life happened? Something happens and it's destroyed. It makes me so very sad.
I think love changes. I think we change. We change away from each other somehow. Something happens. I just don't know what. I am terrified of giving that huge chunk of my life only to find that, like you said, love changed. Something happened.
My GF would never take a vacation away from me. I would be more apt to do that, and indeed I have. I spent two days with good friend of mine and bless his heart he tried to help me figure us out lol. That was a year ago and she still holds it against me. She says I left her and I didn't. I just needed...space....time to think.
There's the feeling sometimes of being taken for granted. There are many things that have happened to us. I don't know how they happened. I keep asking myself: Was she on her best behavior to snag me, then once she did, she felt it was okay to just treat me any old kind of way? I keep trying to be that gentle, loving, sensitive, aware woman I've always been with her, hoping my smooth edges will smooth out her rough ones. But I don't know.
Some reading this would say, oh just give it up already. But it is so not that easy. It's never that easy...
Thank you Johanna for sharing so much. I thoroughly enjoyed your post. I hope things go well with your date and you have good things to report in the future. Our passions are something that are so special, so powerful. I cherish mine, cherish yours.
Hugs,
Lafaye
You are such a beautiful person Lafaye, and so sad that all that energy bumped up against a wall. It's not you dear, and it's such a wierd concept that I have, but, I must say that there are times in life when it's not about you. Laurie and I talked about this concept today. Right now, life for your gf is all about her. Obviously you are a very passionate person, and you are acceptable and working to move your relationship forward, and she's headed in an opposite direction. Can you turn her around? Who knows?
It's not about you....that was my major issue this past fall and winter, how can it not be about me when I'm involved? Then I discovered the following realities for me from a trip that I took to discover myself: I was losing a friend because of my actions, and wrote my discoveries to her in the following:
I began
to think that I was undesirable, and I became
undesirable. I began to think that I was not worthy
of your friendship and I became unworthy. I began to
think that I was not good enough to be your friend and
I became just that. What I thought in reaction to
everything that you were telling me about it not being
about me, was that I must have done something wrong,
and in turn I made that a reality. (I was driving myself crazy at this point trying to resolve and change what wasn't mine to change)
So, it was me who is to blame... I lacked confidence
in who I was, subconsciously I feared that I would not
be good enough, and that became a reality. And do you
know that, that reality and fear of not being good
enough, has been what I have expressed to you before
that I have feared. I have no control over this strong
emotion. And I believe this
is why my relationships keep going bad. No matter how
hard I try, subconsciously that lies in the back of my
head. I can try to be the greatest person, until this
takes me down.
In another letter to her, I discovered this:
I spent the day by myself reading, and I came upon an
answer to one of my most burning questions. "Why am I
not good enough"? You said "seems like you're trying
*very* hard for *something*, but i'm not sure what
that something is"
What I read is that "The arch enemy of mankind is
fear. Common fears which we permit to enter our minds
and thereby become literally "self-imposed"
limitations".
My most common fear that I have not understood or
recognized in me is:
"We fear the loss of love and friends and relatives
although we know well enough that our own conduct is
sufficient to maintain love through all ordinary
circumstances of human relationships".
Given all my past losses and recent losses, I'm trying
hard not to lose anymore. That burning question that
I have about "not being good enough?" is a lack of
faith on my part. I must have faith that I am good
enough, that my conduct is sufficient to maintain a
friendship, my family, and a lover. This fear of
losing what is important to me, has been building up
inside of me, and driving me to try harder and harder.
I'm trying so hard as to give no possible reason for
someone to reject me. That if I'm so perfect, then
this will be sufficient enough, that I won't lose
anyone else in my life. I didn't recognize this fear,
and my lack of faith in who I am. (I now control this fear and understand clearly what moves me internally)
I didn't fail in my other relationships, I just failed to understand that it wasn't about me. It was about them, and the circumstances of their lives that I couldn't control. My love and passion for each relationship was there, I tried so hard, too hard. I was sufficient.......overly sufficient, and I jumped through hoops trying to make them happy.
Lafaye,
I'm a very passionate person, and very confident in who I am now, and what I am. Sometimes we try so hard to reason through what is obvious and simple. You have so much life in you, as do I, that you just want to explode inside and give everything you have inside of you and give it freely to the one you love. You are sufficient for her, she's just not looking at you. What you desire and want she desires are like two trains traveling in opposite directions.
Your passion for life is enormous, and your being asked to contain it, not to breathe, not to think, to pace like a tiger trapped in his cage.
Passion to me is living life to it's fullest day to day. Surrounding myself with positive experiences and staying far away from negative ones. I don't want to squander a single day in my life. Is this realistic? No....but I have the passion and desire to make more happier days than sad ones.
I believe that we must be confident, and that we should take control of what happens to our hearts. We allow ourselves to be hurt by others, because we accept our circumstances, and we lose ourselves to fear and guilt. I'm not sure that any of this will help you, but for me, I have faith that you will understand me, and will ultimately see some purpose in what I wrote. lol I'm going to stop rambling now....as everyone is saying thank god! lol
hugs
halo
hugs
halo
This is a wonderful thread Lafaye, and I hope that more boardies take part in it!
I am not one that wears her heart on her sleeve, per se, but I have my moments where anyone or anything can read me. I'm pretty emotional at times. I love watching movies that make me laugh. This past summer I was dating
Hey you,
Thank you for a truly beautiful post. It was wonderful. You're right. Life right now is not about me. It is about Chris and she told me as much today. I had a year where I was just a dragon. Breathing fire and whatnot. Now this is her year it seems. I'm letting her have it. I can't turn her around. I don't believe that anymore. I know she has to turn it around. Whatever it is. I had to turn some of those things around for myself this year.
I can say back when I was fresh and dewy, looking bright eyed at the world I was never of a mind that I wasn't worthy or desirable. I reveled in me. In being. I truly did. But I became best friends with that mindset over the years and over all the heartaches. I'm trying to desperately find that woman that could commune with ease with her spirit. She's in here, somewhere.
What I read is that "The arch enemy of mankind is
fear. Common fears which we permit to enter our minds
and thereby become literally "self-imposed"
limitations". (This I totally agree with. Fear is the arch enemy. One day I'll have to send you the poem I wrote about Fear.)
I never used to fear the loss of love until I lost love. And from that loss a ripple effect has happened and now I'm truly afraid for the future. For the imagined loss that I'll suffer, yet again.
The fear of losing in this relationship has driven me to try harder. But it seems the harder I try, the harder it gets. And when I look back over my other relationships it was the same thing there. I would start to lose, and batten down the hatches and prepare for war. I would fight and not lose again. But I did. Again and again and again.
(I now control this fear and understand clearly what moves me internally)
I don't want to be perfect. I want to be flawed because it gives me character. But I want my flaws accepted, just as I try to accept others. No one is perfect. We are only who and what we are, and we can improve, but we'll never be perfect, not even to ourselves.
"I didn't fail in my other relationships, I just failed to understand that it wasn't about me. It was about them, and the circumstances of their lives that I couldn't control. My love and passion for each relationship was there, I tried so hard, too hard. I was sufficient.......overly sufficient, and I jumped through hoops trying to make them happy."
Yes, this is how I feel. Just like that above.
Lafaye,
I'm a very passionate person, and very confident in who I am now, and what I am. Sometimes we try so hard to reason through what is obvious and simple. You have so much life in you, as do I, that you just want to explode inside and give everything you have inside of you and give it freely to the one you love. You are sufficient for her, she's just not looking at you. What you desire and want she desires are like two trains traveling in opposite directions.
Yes yes! That's how it feels, but we're traveling in two directions attached to another train that is pulling us asunder.
Your passion for life is enormous, and your being asked to contain it, not to breathe, not to think, to pace like a tiger trapped in his cage.
I too believe I have to take control of my heart, which surprisingly I did today. We had a big argument over something I'd said. It was a simple statement, one she herself has made many many times before. But for some reason, because I said it, she wanted to take the feelings she got from my statement and make me responsible for her feeling that way. I refused. And told her she had to take ownership of those feelings. She put them on herself, I did not and wasn't going to be made accountable for them. That I was sorry she ended up feeling that way, but it originated from within her and she had to work that out.
She was not happy, but I felt free of...something...for the first time in a long time.
Yes, I am very passionate and it is enormous, bigger than anything I know. I do feel trapped. And there are times when I cease to be who I am right now, today, and become who I AM. I know you know what I mean Lesli. Those moments I cherish.
Thanks hun, this was very enlightening.
Hugs and love to you,
L.
Hey lafaye,
well first and foremost I do cherish my passion.....I cherish every single breath .....after my surgury and the lost of chasity.I have lost many people yet these two things I have named where equally my wake up calls to taking a breath at a time,and loving every single minute of life I have left.
My date was awesome,thank you...
she is an awesome lady who like many of us has her problems/has had her problems.She came here to my town,got a hotel room...we went to dinner with my friend.I had picked her up with a white rose...we talked for a bit,I showed her where I lived,then dinner....we went to a club briefly...we went out let out my doggie,then went back to the hotel room...we talked all night,neither of us slept..ending with a semi-cuddling session.This morning at 7:30 she had to drive an hour and go straight to work.I went home,showered(she called)...jokingly I said I would come there for breakfast so I did.She was majorly surprised ,told her I had gotten hungry,lol..She introduced me to her mom(they are both waitresses) .Her mom was friendly enough,we just met so I didn't expect much."A" waited on me,then she paid or tried to pay for my breakfast.We smoked outside together,I gave her the money for my meal along with her tip.Then I spotted a store and went and found valentine's day stuff left overs,so I bought her a snoopy with candy and a card.....left it for her on her car.We really had a great time last not and it was pretty intense in both the talks and the cuddling...both brought me ??very intense feelings.I really like her and well we will be seeing more of each other on a regualr basis.
"you wear your heart on your sleeve and have been condemned for it"
by whom?friends?the people you were invloved with?
I think that is an awesome quality and very very rare nowdays.Don'tthink you should get rid of what you are doing and you should never feel you must.I think alot of people would find that admirable,(just my two cents).
someone to shake your world?For me I find it was me being at the right place at the right time??no connection I ever had with her could have ever been planned or found /sought out...I think is was what it was....lucky me is all I can say.I would do it all again with no regrets even If I knew the ending(been listening to alot of country lately-rascal flats,lol)
Your sadness you spoke of(destroying each other)I always do say that it is really cruel....the fact that ever break up...maybe all ten times I have been cheated on.....makes it harder for the next person interested in me and it is so completely unfair to her,yet if the lady interested is truly interested and sees the real me she will stick it out....hlep me get past my walls and such....(not that I have my own yet think we all do in some ways) and well with my new friend it is kind of different I know the pain she has been thru with both her writing and her eyes .I am pretty sure we are both on the level here...I think she feels secure and knows that I will be in this when I tell her I know she has been let down and I will not let her down.
maybe you gf has abandonment issues?think we all may have those to,whether it be from a parent,gf,or so on??as far as you going away for a couple of days and her saying you left her?
I'll be happy to share anytime about anything really....not a problem we are here for support and advice and if we can't do either of those then just to try and offer understanding .....We all know it is not that easy...regardless of time you have spent with her and so forth.these things are never easy...bless you and I hope you find the light at the end of the tunnel,Hugs,Jo
Jo my dear,
What a wonderful evening you had. Marvelous! I hope it blossoms and flourishes for you. I think today my GF and I came to a mutual agreement to go our seperate ways. We had quite a long talk today, and oddly enough, for the first time we actually talked and didn't scream at each other. Actually she did most of the talking and I listened. This was one of those days where I have nothing in me. I'm empty. Truly empty; no words came to mind and those that did seemed pointless. She's leaving to go stay someplace else tonight.
I'm not sure where I am right now. But if this is truly the end for us, then I know the road to healing myself, and becoming whole again is going to be a long one.
I hope to hear good things about you and your new lady friend. We all need that uplifting story about something going right. Thanks for sharing Jo. Your posts have made me think and realize quite a few things. Same as Halo's.
Thank you, for your understanding.
Hugs and best of luck with your new relationship.
L.
I am so sorry for you,even if it was a mutaul decision I am still so sorry for you...I know when chasity left the last time,I left the house that night....didn't want to be in the bed,didn't want to be on the couch,didn't want to be in the house...yet I went to my mom and didn't sleep a wink either....I know the next day I went and packed her things crying the entire time putting her stuff all in the extra bedroom(out of sight ,out of mind???not really)I am so sorry for you......hugs to you during your healing process to come...if you ever need a friend ...or a shoulder I am stillbuggin30 on yahoo messenger and stillbuggin30@yahoo.com.....Sorry this is happening to you guys,Jo
Thank you Jo,
It was coming to this I think for a while. Things have just been so messed up for us. We still love each other, but sadly, this seems like one of those circumstances where love alone simply was not enough.
I've added you to my Yahoo messenger. Hope to chat with you sometime. You sound like me in so many ways.
Thank you so much for being here for me!
Hugs,
L.
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