Passion: What does it mean to you?

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Registered: 08-08-2003
Passion: What does it mean to you?
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Sat, 02-19-2005 - 3:40pm

Hi Sandra (and GIRLS,

I've never read one sentence in any post you've written to me that angered me Sandra. Heart's truth. You were an immense comfort, your encouragement gave ME the strength, among so many others here, to keep fighting. I know exactly what you're saying and the thought has crossed my mind. But, I feel something strangely like failure every time I think of moving on. I think about my son, how attached he is to her, and I wonder how I'd do it. I think about how much Chris says she loves me and I wonder, god how can I cause her so much pain, my own pain aside.

The love is THERE Sandra! Why can't I bring life to it? I sit up every night racking my brain. I keep asking myself; do I want to much? Do I need too much? She's told me many times that I overwhelm her. I'm a very very VERY passionate woman. I truly am. I feel everything so very deeply. A song can make me cry like I've lost my best friend. The perfectly penned verse in a book will make my heart just pound, tears flow down my cheeks and you'd think I was truly grieving when I've just been so profoundly touched that the emotion has no where else to go but OUT!

I feel that way about life; everything. I get lost in my passion sometimes. And I want someone who is just as passionate about life, love and me as I am about them. I get so wrapped UP in the emotion and passion and fire and pure FEELING that sometimes it is even too much for me. And I don't have that with Chris. I don't think I'll ever have that depth with ANYONE. I wonder how I have so much of it.

I wonder if other people feel as strongly as I do. I mean, I can remember words, be it one or a whole paragraph, verbatim, from being a child, that someone said to me that affected me, adversely or positively.

Passion is something I can just about say is like a second lover to me. I danced for hours 1:30 AM and danced in my living room floor, candles lit, music and earphones BLARING, completely LOST in my head. And when I realized that my body was tired, it was 5 am. I stopped briefly to come in here and post.

Now I have that word in my head: Passion. What is it for you ladies? What does it mean to you? What are you passionate about? What makes you spin inside? Are you consumed by this passion?

I seem to be consumed by the mere thought of passion in my life. I need it I think like I need air. I remember a scene from L Word, where Bett was with Peggy Peabody, and she was talking about her favorite artist, the one who spent 12 years photographing the same woman just to try and find the truth of her. Such passion, devotion. And when Peggy showed Bett the picture, the raw emotion, the raw passion for her pursuit of the beautiful expression of art was one of the most real I've ever seen on an actress's face. Sometimes I am caught up in things just like that. I've read about people who are soul fans of certains artists having bouts of such profound emotion they fainted, passed out, sobbed so that medical personnel were called.

I've experienced that once in my life: Just once, but it was so profound and deep that I thought my heart would tear asunder. So, am I the only one? There have to be more women out there like this.

To me in the area of love there is no limit. It is plainless, plateauless, endless, forever growing, expanding, filling, seeking, searching, learning, wanting needing more and more. It is infinite. I don't believe love, true pure love, whatever that may be, however it may feel and it must feel like ecstacy; should be stale, stagnant, in stasis. It should be awakening each and every day in our hearts for those we declare to love. How can this not be for so many of us? How? I just don't understand? It is a mindset? Is it that life has beaten us down so that we can't find the energy it takes to love? We all believe we have a soul mate out there somewhere. Someone who will flow with life the way we need flowation. (My word *smile*)

Is this depth too much for the human heart to sustain? This kind of power in love? Is our species too weak to carry that kind of passion unto the end of our lives?

These are the things I think about at 3 am when I turn in my bed and look at my GF's sleeping face. She's so soured anymored. Just sour; the only word I know to use. Everything seems to have just soured for her. There's no passion in her about anything. She's blase, going through the days and at the end of it so beaten down and worn out that the only energy she has left is bitter energy that drags at my heart and makes it sad. Last night was a perfect example:

I went out and stocked up on some really cool supplies for the Janitorial company Chris is spearheading. She wants so badly to get out from under a "boss." And I was so excited. I bought her a flower and her favorite cigar (lol, she's awfully cute toking on a cig) and went to pick her up that night from work. She never said a word, barely said thanks for the flowers, henpecked me for my efforts, went to eat, and went to bed. I was so disappointed. I was chomping at the bit: yeah it was only cleaning stuff, but my whole heart went into that little spree that we could ill afford. I was in a good mood; feeling lighthearted, one of OUR favorite CD's playing, I'm dancing in the truck on the way to her job, danced my way into her work, danced (or tried to) her out to the truck. And she was just not flowing. I asked her if she had a bad day. She said no, just another day. I asked her what was wrong, trying to figure out where she was. She just wasn't "there." I guess. So I left her alone, tried to detach from HER feelings since she didn't really share with me what was going, but it didn't work. I became sad and quiet and the night went on.

Was I wrong? We used to be so synchronized. She could flow into any situation I created for us and vice versa. And on those nights that she just couldn't vibe with me, I'd just sit and quietly hold her and we'd talk. We don't even do that anymore.

So I just wonder, what happened? What went wrong? I don't understand. We're both so young, I'm 29 and she'll be 30 in April. What's WRONG???????

Sorry ladies this is SO long, but this board is my only sounding board, and to come here and just let it all out sometimes is what I need.

I hope you all have a wonderful day and love touches you profoundly in some way!

Hugs,

Lafaye

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2005
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 2:19am

Hello,

I am new to this board, but I must say that you have me crying a river of tears. I started to just skip this post because I thought that reading it would only uncover how much passion you and your lover must have which would only emphasize the lack of it in mine.

You expressed every question i have been crying about tonight. It is almost one in the morning right now.

I am going through EXACTLY what you are right now. I used to feel so connected, so in tune with my lover and it is as though i've never met her before now. I too wear my heart on my sleeve and over and over again i have been told to move my heart. I don't want to move it.

Passion to me is finding that one person that knows your heart is on your sleeve and letting it stay there because they love you enough to not want to change that, to know that it is easily bruised and be okay with that because they are not out to hurt it. Passion to me is being able to be open and vulnerable because the person that you have found to share your life and your vulnerability with is open to sharing their life and their vulnerability with you. Passion to me is connection. Connection to your innermost thoughts, feelings, fears, strengths, weaknesses... what makes you laugh and also what makes you cry. I too seek someone who can hold the knowledge of what hurts me and is responsible enough that even though they know WHAT would hurt me, would never dream of using that knowledge against me.

Passion to me is the little things... like the flower you bought her. The little things... like for instance... Donna and i were watching 30 minute meals with Rachel Ray and she prepared this really simple dish. Donna said, OOOOH that looks good! I went out and bought the ingredients and made it the next day. it was good! I did this because we have been arguing... she told me to not focus on what has me unhappy here and focus on what i could do to try to make the relationship between us better. That she too was unhappy and that i should focus on that and try my best to make her happy. I was trying to do that by preparing that meal for her. Tonight, we argued and she told me... so what if you made that meal... i didnt' ask you to...

I do those silly little dances in the car, in the store, at home. She tells me to stop making a fool of myself.

For Valentine's all i wanted to do was look into her eyes and see how much she loved me... to kiss her and taste how much she loved me... to make love and feel the passion that i thought was gone. But you know what? It is gone.

I too have seen that it is time for me to move on. I have no money, nowhere to go, but i am leaving. I am thinking of leaving for my birthday present to myself. My birthday is Saturday, February 26th. I will be 30. I had hoped to spend it with this woman that i had fallen so hard for. Somehow, I believe that people although they may believe that they are portraying who they really are don't show the real person in the beginning of the relationship. I told Donna that i am very sensitive, extremely emotional, and even needy of attention, but those are the things taht i believe make me beautiful. I want to be appreciated and loved for that. but not for myself only. i also want to provide a safe haven for my lover's needs, weaknesses, strengths. It is hard to be that for someone who is closed off and absent... disconnected.

I feel so connected to you and your feelings in this thread. I felt as though there was another part of me that was lost and is looking for the rest of me.

I used to be very articulate with my feelings. so much so that i considered myself to be a writer. i have so many feelings jumbled up inside of me now that they all tend to come out at once and it isn't articulate anymore because it spills out of me in a downpour of indeterminable emotion. I feel as though I am living on MUTE. I've been on those different levels... silly, sensual, serious, goofy, affectionate, and others and I too want to be able to be all of those things with my lover. Have her travel with me on those journeys and enjoy them. I know that not always are two people on the same page. That would imply perfection and we know that doesnt exist. However, stifling and muzzling what someone is feeling is detrimental to any relationship. Muting someone's emotions is dangerous.

Anyway, I just want you to know that I share your feelings, and would like to express them better than i have, but i too, am going through so much right now... i am doing my best to stay positive in a world of negativity. I am not winning that battle right now. I hope taht whatever decision you make, be it to stay or leave, works out for you. I really do.

Avatar for lafaye_ak
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2003
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 11:59am

Hi Sharmy,

Thanks so much for replying. Boy, you’ve struck a similar chord!

You stated this in your reply to me:
"Passion to me is finding that one person that knows your heart is on your sleeve and letting it stay there because they love you enough to not want to change that, to know that it is easily bruised and be okay with that because they are not out to hurt it. Passion to me is being able to be open and vulnerable because the person that you have found to share your life and your vulnerability with is open to sharing their life and their vulnerability with you. Passion to me is connection. Connection to your innermost thoughts, feelings, fears, strengths, weaknesses... what makes you laugh and also what makes you cry. I too seek someone who can hold the knowledge of what hurts me and is responsible enough that even though they know WHAT would hurt me, would never dream of using that knowledge against me."

I don't think I could have described my own personal sentiments any better than you did. That is verbatim what floats around in my head. It feels good to know someone can put it to words like that.

Like you we're in a very very tight financial situation. But today she came to me and we talked. And we came to the mutual agreement that it is perhaps best for us to just say goodbye. Nothing we've done, no matter how hard we've tried, has resolved our problems. And I still lover her. And she still loves me. But it's like I told Jo: sometimes just love alone is simply not enough. I'm worried; there is so much going on financially in our lives I have been asking myself all day how are we going to start over? How are we going to make the money work? How, how, how! I don't know.

I agree with you about portrayal. Chris and I talked extensively tonight after she got home from work. One of the most civil, sensible conversations we've had. It's sad that it had to happen now, when it truly feels like it's too late. So much bad blood...and the places that we're in. She portrayed and still portrays something that I cannot fathom sometimes. It's difficult for me. And that's something that is so innate in her. She gave me the image of the woman I expressed in the beginning I needed. She gave me the "relationship" I needed for that crucial short amount of time. And then it was just....gone.

All those things you describe are me to a frightening T. The high sensitivity, the depth of emotion I feel about such a myriad of things; no one has ever been able to comprehend, or understand that integral part of my character. It is seen as a weakness. Chris puts on a front of hardness. Walks hard, talks hard, poker faced and sometimes very harsh. And it's a protective shield she wraps around herself like armor. All the love I hold, and it is immense could not pierce that. I can't live that way. I just can't. I honestly feel as if I have the life being sucked right out of me most days. I can't function. But that is what she needs to do, to be, to portray in order to feel safe. She told me this last night. There is something in her that has to be this way. And I just can't live like that. She bottles it all up inside and lets the world know: I'm hard. I can handle anything. Nothing phases me. You can't hurt me. Does it look like I care?

I just can't do it anymore. I can't. As much as I love her, it's' killing me that she chose to lump me in with the world out THERE. And my son for a period of time. And she didn't see it. The affect it was having. Or she saw it but there was absolutely nothing she could do to make it better.

I guess I am very needy also. More needy I think than anyone will ever be able to deal with. Not needy in an unhealthy way; I'm not even sure how to put it. I require a lot. Maybe too much? I never thought it was too much, because what I required I KNEW I could give back tenfold. I KNEW this. So to me, it was never too much for the love in my life. But it is. The people I've been involved with cannot handle my intensity. Can't deal with me on the level I require to be happy in a relationship. I echo your sentiment: I always thought this passion I had, the huge amount of it, was a beautiful thing. It was something that made me who I am. And I always thought that part of me would be cherished and even nurtured. But mostly I am condemned for it. Just as Chris is condemned for being the way she is. I told her last night that I was so sorry if I ever made her feel damned for being who she was. I didn't understand. I walked around in utter confusion. Had no clue that I was living with a carbon copy of something that wasn't real. I didn't know that. I thought what I she presented to me was who she truly was. But it wasn't.

She told me she feels deeply. Very very deeply. But I told her that may be the case, but that is not what you portray. And what you portray is all I have to go on. And that portrayal was a lie. And you don't know how to show what you feel. You don't know how to let me into your life on the level that sustains a relationship. At least for ME. Some one else may well be able to deal with it. I cannot. I know my limitations. And I love her, but the pain of not being able to share that is monumental.

I am still articulate. We have no problem communicating. We communicate something no matter what we’re doing or how we’re doing it. But like you I am a mass of emotion and I can’t articulate to HER anymore. I write very well in my journal. Page after page after page. It all comes out in my poetry or my short stories. That’s the only place it seems I can put it all down. Or sometimes, here on the board. I connect totally to the feeling as if you’re living on mute except it’s the opposite for me. I feel as if I’m living on noise pollution volumes because I have lost all patience and tolerance. I am on edge and my fuse is beyond short. I am all reaction now. I react before I think. My defenses are never down anymore. I am always prepared for battle…even when there isn’t one. But I have also come to realize this is all cause and effect. Chain of events. Truly, if it weren’t for writing, I would spontaneously combust.

I have felt muted for a very long time. And I’m weary of it. I think you shared very eloquently Sharmy. I related to every single word you wrote. And I’m thankful for your post. I am on the same page same line same word with you. And for you too; whatever your decision I hope it comes out to be what is best for you. And if I don’t see you before the 26th, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Please feel free to email me anytime through my profile. I’ll be sure to respond.

Hugs,

L.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 3:09am
Lafaye, I am sorry to hear this news.
Is it a break up or a time for thinking, like a seperation?
Whatever it turns out to be I hope it is the best thing for you.
Seems she had alot to talk about finally.
Has she been holding these things in for awhile?
Take care,
Hugs, Laurie Check out my new blog. co-cl of Lesbian Life Message Board Email- didoangst@comcast.net http://didoangst.blogspot.com/ http://www.4-lesbianlife.com/
Avatar for lafaye_ak
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2003
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 8:33am

Hi Laurie,

Is it a break up or a time for thinking, like a seperation?
It's a break up. And yes, she had a lot to say. I understood some, confused on most, same thing for her.

Yes she's been holding things in for a long time. Very long time. I just wish she'd let me in. But it seems that the decision we've made is for the best. I guess. Sometimes I just don't know...

Thanks for asking...
hugs,
L.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2005
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 3:33pm

(((((((((((((Lafaye))))))))))))))


This was a very powerful thread. It actually sparked something that I will post separately. I totally agree with and identify with

Avatar for lafaye_ak
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2003
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 6:06pm

Hi Ting, Everyone,

Thanks to all for posting. I guess I have something of an update:

The past two days have been intense. Chris and I have been doing something that I never ever thought we'd do: talking.

We've talked and talked and talked, and today we came to a head I guess you could say. Right now for us, it's all or nothing. It's come to the wire. It is obvious to us both that the love is still very deep, very intense and God knows the thought of losing this woman is tearing me apart.

So it is for her too. So tonight we're going to discuss for the very first time, this thing that has, for almost 3 years, been big enough for her to hide it from me. She's been terrified that these things she is now going to share with me would have been enough back then to destroy our relationship. And now in realizing that our relationship is almost destroyed now, she feels, "What do I really have to lose anymore?" It's truly all or nothing right now. I'm not willing to live like this anymore and I told her so. But I asked her, to for the first time in our relationship, give me the chance to show her the power of my love in the face of whatever it may be that has her so afraid, that makes her hate HERSELF so. Give me the chance I've been begging for for so long now. Give me the chance to be strong for her. Give me the chance to show her what love can really be like when it is true and unconditional. Give me the chance to help her heal, if I can. Give her spirit the chance to finally live free of the chains of whatever has her in this hellish prison.

To believe in the depth and purity of the love I hold for her.

And I was so stunned when she agreed. I told her that I would not accept anything less than 100 percent openness and I will know if it is not forthcoming. She took this huge breath, and became very quiet, and pale...and still...she agreed. I feel hope again for the first time in such a long time, but I'm not going to have a knee jerk reaction, but still, the hope...

So ladies, send a prayer up for us. Good karma...this is a first in our relationship. Sharing in all it's brutal nakedness.

Thanks for all the support...

Shonda

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2005
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 6:41pm

I am definitely sending you all the good karma I can muster!


You know Shonda, when you started this thread and I saw the replies you were getting, many feelings started to surface from somewhere deep inside of myself. In all honesty, I believed that I had no passion left after everything I have been through over the past 7 years. I felt dead inside (although I never would admit that) - like I was incapable of feeling emotion other than the love I have for my son and the heartache of not being around him. I am so glad that you started this thread Shonda. I am starting to realize that I am wasting so much valuable time by hiding my heart, by denying myself the gratification of real love and not just my crazy "no strings attatched relationships" that I've become use to - only because for so long I've felt that I'm not worthy of anything more.......Maybe someday I'll be able to change my previous answer to this post - where I said that I don't really know what my passion is (or something like that). I not only want to thank you for that but everyone who shared in this thread. These were some beautiful thoughts I've been priveledged to read over the past several days. Yet another reason I love this board so.....


Okay, back to the point. Best of luck to you and Chris. I'll be thinking of y'all and I hope that you (and she) are able to move past these last few years and make your relationship stronger than ever.

right click and choose save as~xo


co-cl of Lesbian Life


my email bethh137@yahoo.com


my blog http://silouhette.blogspot.com/


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 10:34pm

One way or another love finds it's way.................keep it real, you deserve the best.

love
halo

hugs

halo

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 10:38pm

((((((((((((((((((((Shonda & Chris)))))))))))))))))))))


Lafaye, I am sending wishes your way...whatever needs to happen will happen. I want your happiness.


Sandra

Sandr

Avatar for lafaye_ak
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2003
Wed, 02-23-2005 - 1:37pm

Hi Beth,

Thanks for the wishes. I was surprised at how quiet the board has been these last few weeks. It's never been this quiet that I can remember, especially on a thread like this one or some others I've seen. So I knew people are going through some tough times right now. But I knew some people were reading this and just thinking too...I've seen a couple posts like yours where no one really knew what to say.

And that's okay; it's something that was cathartic for me I guess, putting it out there. But I"m glad it's made YOU think Beth and I hope it's for the better for you. Chris and I are still talking. We talked for 12 hours straight yesterday and there are still other things that are coming out. It's indescribable...

I feel exhausted yet, not. Hard to explain...

Anyway, thanks for posting and I hope that your passions come to the forefront and give you a new fervor.

Hugs!

Shonda

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