Happiness and pain (triggers, long)
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Happiness and pain (triggers, long)
| Wed, 02-23-2005 - 2:09pm |
Lafaye's passion thread brought this question to mind: Why do we often have to go through so much pain and give up so much

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Scarlett
my blog
Thanks, Scarlett. I like what you said. I particularly liked this line..."You must first sit in the darkness to truly appreciate the sunrise . . ." My dad always tells me that people usually don't make changes they need to make until the pain gets bad enough. For some it takes a very long time to reach that rock-bottom pain. It doesn't seem good at the time, but you're right, looking back I can see how it is good. All of us LLers are strong...we have to be. I'm so fortunate and thankful to be part of this group.
I don't think there's ever been a period in my life where I didn't experience some kind of pain. My mother's favorite phrase to describe me is "you always take the path of most resistance." I don't know why that is, but it's true. While
I'll admit that first I didn't know what you meant by "triggers." First thing that popped into my head was a horse. LOL
Okay- back to being serious. Oh, do I have to! :)
Tuesday night, while I was riding the elevator to class, I wondered- "Why couldn't I have been one of those middle class or wealthy kids who attended college right out of highschool?" Sometimes, I feel so inferior because I'm just now obtaining an Associate's degree. I also worry that my Associate's may not bring much in the way of job offers. If I'm stuck trying to obtain a Bachelor's, can I handle living where I am another 4 years? I've struggled with my childhood experiences. My alcoholic father. My distant mother. The lack of good role models. But, I try to remind myself that there are others who have had the same experiences and those who have had worse.
I'm reminded like today of a true story of a boy who has turrets syndrome. He is on medication to control the ticks, but the medication causes him to think objects will kill him. He constantly warns his mother that he will die soon and asks her about his dying. I think to myself- what a struggle it is for him and his mother daily. Then, I think of those who have children and lucky they are if their child is healthy.
Sometimes I struggle with the thought of my aunt's life. She was in love with a black man. She never married him, but had an affair, which created two wonderful children. She died of cancer in her early 40's. She was never able to be with the one she loved. And, she died thinking it was wrong to have loved him.
Sometimes I struggle with my character flaws and what that may mean to a relationship with another woman. My panic attacks for example. Will she find them to be unattractive? Will she understand? Am I alone on this?
But, I tend to want to believe whether it is true or not what someone once told me. This person told me that no matter how great someone's life may seem, there are a set of problems that the person must deal with. Everyone has struggles. That thought sometimes gets me through the rough spots. And, sometimes I just throw a pity party.
buggie
Thank you Ting for posting such a thoughtful topic.
You asked: Why do we often have to go through so much pain and give up so much to achieve happiness and true love?
I think it is called "walking through the fire." Sometimes I think it is necessary (though I've often wondered why) to go through this process to get to the part of us that is whole and healthy. I have been reading a book called "The Mastery of Love." And it is all about freeing loving the TRUE self. We as a society are conditioned to behave and react a certain way. It truly does start with childhood when you look at it from this author's perspective. And through this conditioning we learn the art of fear. Fear drives us more than love or hatred I believe. And deprogramming ourselves of this fear is such a seemingly insurmountable feat, that most of us wind up going through more than half our lives battering ourselves to the point of almost, and in some cases, total breakdown.
I think also becoming aware of the true self and not seeing yourself as weak, broken, unworthy, worthless, inferior, bad, ugly, unloved, unwanted, etc. helps to break the cycle. Seeing yourself as a human being, that is the complete OPPOSITE of all those negative images.
I speak this way because of my more recent experience with Chris. These last three days have been three of the most intense of my life. I've had to look at myself, my true self, and see my true self for what it really is. And in doing that I've shattered an image I've had of myself for almost 30 years. It was at once humbling and frightening. Now I feel as if I'm a newborn; starting completely over with a clean slate. And that feels wonderful. Today, I can honestly say I feel better than I've felt in a very very long time. This has been a major life changing event for me. Which is why I think I originally posted the Passion thread. I was about to experience a death and rebirth. I know that now, though I did not know it then. And Chris and I are still undecided; we're still talking! But at the end of it we will make a decision and whatever it is, I know that I will be able to do what I've needed to do for myself for so long; with her or without her.
I have been in the dark all my life. All my life. And now for the first time I see a ray of sunshine that doesn't hurt my eyes. I have come a long way with my lifestyle. The only person I truly hid it from was my ex husb. and that was out of fear. I stopped doing that a year ago. I made a stance and refused to be a second class citizen. I won't do it. This is my life; and I shall live it the way I choose and for those who cannot deal with that, then have nothing to do with me or anyone I love. Yes, it hurts, but ultimately I know I have to do what is best for ME now.
I have always dreamed of the type of life I'd like to have, but never did anything to get it really. I just lived day to day slowly dying and not knowing it. For me that is over. I feel very hopeful for the future and I'm sure I'm going to be tested, but I have hope that with the new found strength I do see in myself, I can weather it. And come out stronger for it.
I have made a very hard decision with regards to my son, one I have struggled with for a very long time, and though it makes me tremble the thought of what I'm going to face when I take my Ex back to court for full custody, I know now that the decision is one that is truly for the best. The current situation is untenable and I must put a stop to it. I pray for the strength I need to get through that. I want my son to have a fair chance at life. I don't want his father's emotional poison contaminating him. And if I can limit his exposure to that, then that is what, as a mother, I need to do.
I have decided, like you Ting, to grab hold of my own true happiness, which originates and resonates from within me. I have decided to stop making other people responsible for my happiness. I and only I can do that. Other people enhance and bring depth, more meaning etc to my life. But that is the key for me: They bring more. I already have what I need, but they are bringing more. I used to always wonder why I attracted the wounded and broken, and Chris said something to me last night that made that clearer to me: "You were the light that I saw in the darkness, and I could not help but be drawn to it." And I can remember other people saying this to me. Perhaps that fire that passion that incredible depth and intensity that I have always felt was a beacon. And now I must grab hold of that for myself and experience it again. I miss the Shonda I used to be.
I agree it does not seem fair that we have to go through such a painful process to gain the strength we need to be our true selves. I don't think everyone suffers like some of us. I think there are people that are born happy. Nothing truly keeps them down, or brings them to their knees. I believe there are people out there born with some kind of indomitable strength that carries them over the trials and tribulations of life. Most of us are not like that though and I don't know why that is. A question for God that I have always said would be top on my list: Why so much suffering to find a small well of happiness?
Ting like Scarlett, I am proud of you for the "trial by fire" you have endured, and any other person that has. It is a long and painful road to travel. But at the end of it, hopefully, that ray of sunshine won't hurt our eyes anymore.
Like you Ting, this was rock bottom for me. Truly rock bottom and I'm going through the fire now. It is at once painful and rejuvenating. But I know this is something I must do. I must do it to find the person underneath all the pain, conditioning and fear. I have never been afraid to love; wholeheartedly and without reservation, witholding nothing of myself even though I get hurt tremendously each time. I took some comfort from that this time around when it looked like the end had come and thought to myself. This ability is precious, don't let fear take it from you. Take it back and hold onto it for dear life. Don't look at your ability to love so deeply as a weakness, instead view it as a strength, and let it carry over into everything that you do.
This is my vow, one of them anyway, to myself.
Today, I feel good, soul good, and that is a wonderful thing. Today I am listening to my spirit talk to me. And the sound of her voice is a balm. There are some books I highly recommend:
The Power of Now: Eckhart Tolle
The Mastery Of Love: Don Miguel Ruiz (he has several out there that are wonderful)
Excavating the Authentic Self: Sarah Ban Breathnach
Will Our Love Last: Sam R. Hamburg
Thank you for sharing this post.
Hugs to all,
Shonda
I cry myself to sleep almost every night thinking of how things could be if I would just take the easy path for once and be someone I'm not - sorry if this makes no sence.
Dear (((Beth)))... Your choosing the path you have chose is not why these things that have happened with sweetfeets and you,
C >^. A .
I am going to tell you something and it's not something I talk about much cause it's kinda embarrassing but then again not, but you mentioned.. Sorry it copied in same color! Okay anyways you mentioned this below..
(("Tuesday night, while I was riding the elevator to class, I wondered- "Why couldn't I have been one of those middle class or wealthy kids who attended college right out of highschool?" Sometimes, I feel so inferior because I'm just now obtaining an Associate's degree. I also worry that my Associate's may not bring much in the way of job offers. If I'm stuck trying to obtain a Bachelor's, can I handle living where I am another 4
years?"))
Well Hon.. I have no idea what you or other's when they talk of all this stuff about college and degrees and all are talking about..
C >^. A .
Yes.. we do indeed.. some of us.. endure a lot of pain through our lives while it seems we watch others skim through with happiness and ease..or so it appears..... But... are the pains we suffer because we chose what we chose? or are they
C >^. A .
"So many of us are going through trials and questions and pains and mixed with joys and growths and heart searching, soul searching and opening revelations.."
Amen Cat...
Hugs,
L.
C >^. A .
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