Happiness and pain (triggers, long)

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Registered: 01-31-2005
Happiness and pain (triggers, long)
22
Wed, 02-23-2005 - 2:09pm

Lafaye's passion thread brought this question to mind: Why do we often have to go through so much pain and give up so much

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
Thu, 02-24-2005 - 12:56am
Ting,
I have never been married to a man or divorced and had to worry about child custody.
I cannot imagine going through it.
I have had my share of trials though.
I don't know why we go through pain to get to happiness. I think we just put labels on everything. We have to to some extent or we could not explain ourselves.
Just about everything has an opposite. Light and dark, happy and sad, hard, soft, wet, dry.
We know from science that, every action has a reaction.
In otherwords, you can touch caly in public if you want to, but you are reacting to rejection from society. (I am not blaming you either, being in Tenn.) Society's rejection is an action because they cause it to happen or make it so.
So what you could do is figure out what action you can take that will cause a more positive reaction. You could walk arm in arm, or you could hug...
I think also you are creating an action to not be happy by holding back your happiness as if you deserve to not be completely happy since you took the action of divorce which caused a reaction of someone being very sad.
What you have to decide is how long do you need to continue punnishing yourself?
Now, we get back to the opposites, your not letting go. You are being only partly happy it is causing the opposite of partly happy which would be partly sad or (partly cloudy.)
This is why I have chosen that great motto "Be true to yourself." This is an action. Accept yourself and just be who you are. You will never satisfy everyone so, do what you need to do to satisfy yourself. Be confidant, let yourself be happy. People pick up negative and positive energy from each other. (another opposite, positive and negative.)
It is a true energy. Do not try to please everyone, there are to many people with to many ideas of what is satisfying to them.
Hopefully, what you do to satisfy yourself will be satisfying to other's. And those who do not accept you, so what, obviously you don't have things in common to be happy together and you really do not need people that you clash with in your life. They will be happy with people who satisfy them. I think that is a big part of being true to yourself.
Your dh would not be truly happy if you were not happy or able to love him the way he wants to be loved. You have set dh and yourself free. And you both deserve to be happy.
Eventually he will see that, after the cloud of rejection he feels now, clears, and it will.
I have had to close calls with death, now Sheila has had one.
You can live your life not being happy by trying to make everyone else happy or punnishing yourself for letting people down, and then in a flash you can be taken out of this world and have never been or know true happiness.
Don't sweat the small stuff, it isn't worth it. You cannot please everyone it is not possible. It is not wrong to do what is right for you. Life can be short, to short.Sometimes we have to pick ourselves up, brush off the dust and just say, "that's life." Then keep moving forward. It is okay to feel bad for hurting someone but you don't have to ingrave every wrong you have done in your heart. Sometimes you have to right the wrongs such as getting a divorce. And now you can go on with your life and be happy. Some people will choose to carry guilt forever and let it pile up until their lives are miserable and then they will die and have never allowed themselves to feel happy.
Acceptance of self, acceptance of change, acceptance of forgiveness of yourself, acceptance of happiness.
We wouldn't do a months worth or grocery shopping without a cart... so why carry a life time of burdens inside, eventually you will breakdown. You can only carry so much. If you believe in God, turn it over to him, if not then turn it over to who or whatever your higher power is. Don't keep carrying it around.
Be true to yourself!

Hugs, Laurie Check out my new blog. co-cl of Lesbian Life Message Board Email- didoangst@comcast.net http://didoangst.blogspot.com/ http://www.4-lesbianlife.com/
Avatar for lafaye_ak
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2003
Thu, 02-24-2005 - 4:03am

*Smiling*

I didn't forget Cat my dear. Glad to see you here again. I know when the words come for you, you will post. Looking forward to your input. Hugs and good thoughts your way...

L.

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Registered: 01-31-2005
Thu, 02-24-2005 - 1:21pm

Thanks for all your responses so far. Each of you has given me lots of food for thought. I really am not carrying around any more burdens or guilt over my divorce. I know it was the right thing to do. XH has finally moved on and accepted things, and we are getting along really well. I did have the confidence to say "Ok this is my life and I'm going to make the most of it." Just looking back over what I went through I started to wonder why the process has to be so difficult to endure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
Fri, 02-25-2005 - 1:24am

Hi Ting:

I have read your message at least six times trying to decide what is it exactly that you are wanting? How am I reacting to your statements, and where in my mind, do I find the words that reflect the right answer?

So I selected this topic; summing up a feeling of why pain leads to greater happiness:

It was raining outside, I was alone in the rain, reflecting in my heart why have things been so bad for me since I moved to Virginia, and in silence I asked God why is this happening? In a clear voice that I haven't been able to hear for years, he said, to prepare you for the flood. I was caught off guard and questioned what I heard, was it real? Then I asked, where have you been? He said here watching you. Why all the pain? So you will be prepared for the flood. I'm strong enough I thought for anything, and he said not strong enough.

What flood is he talking about? At first I thought he meant Robin a friend who is a Pices, and now I see it wasn't her. It's Laurie. He prepared me for the flood waters of her love. This whole situation is giving me strength that I never knew I had before. How do I know this? Because, I'm not looking at this as being about me. It's about Laurie. I have hit rock bottom and have been dealing with myself and trying to piece together who and what I am. Coming from a lesson I have learned through an internal evaluation this past year, for the first time in my life, I'm not tearing myself apart for anything that I might think that I've done wrong. And even though i feel bad and think that others may be looking at me in a bad way, and I'm feeling like a home wrecker. I've learned to live with my heart, and though this situation is hard, and does hurt, to know that it's not about me, was the thing that God wanted me to learn. So I had to endure these bad things, to become a better person to myself. I know I'm strong enough and respectful enough for other people and their opinions, and I can react responsibly to our situation. For the first time in my life, I don't feel bad about myself. I know how much Laurie loves me, and she knows how much I love her. The right thing to do is happening, and the communication is clear as a bell for everyone concerned in our situation.

The true happiness and love that we seek, is in God's hands now. You have your happiness with Caly finally, and in time, that happiness will grow in form and function, and there is a time in your future where you won't think twice about being with her in all ways, and in all places. We all look forward to those days in our society.

I'm looking forward to the day when true love is with me always. Take care and thanks for posting these thoughts they are good ones to ponder.

hugs to you and caly,
halo

hugs

halo

Avatar for lafaye_ak
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2003
Fri, 02-25-2005 - 3:55am

As always Lesli my friend, very well said.

Hugs and love,

L.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2005
Fri, 02-25-2005 - 4:13pm

Taking the path of most resistance is admirable, Beth. It does cause those in and out cycles of deep reflection and pain sometimes, but when you've mastered the challenge, you've grown in some way. I really do hope you will be seeing more rays of light than darkness very, very soon.


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2005
Fri, 02-25-2005 - 4:15pm

LOL about "triggers". You're too funny, Bug!


I agree, there is always someone who is suffering worse than we are. I try to remember not to take anything for granted and to be thankful for all the tremendous good in my life.


Thanks for reminding me of that.


Hugs,


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2005
Fri, 02-25-2005 - 4:21pm

(((((((Lafaye)))))))) I am so glad that positive things have come from your recent struggles. I feel confident that you can handle whatever challenge comes your way. I have experienced MUCH fear over the last year, and I had to deal with that fear in stages in order to get through the divorce. I knew what I was up against as far as relationships with my friends and inlaws were concerned. I knew my children's lives would be disrupted, etc. I was afraid to do anything for so long, but I finally gained the strength to do it.


Thanks for the book recommendations too.


Take care and hugs,


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2005
Fri, 02-25-2005 - 4:23pm

We definitely have to be prepared to face the consequences of our choices, don't we? I think what I've realized is that although making the choice is hard, being confident that the choice will bring happiness and satisfaction in the end is what gets us through the painful times.


Thanks for your thoughts, Cat. I always enjoy reading what you think.


Hugs,


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2005
Fri, 02-25-2005 - 4:26pm

Thanks for reminding me of so much, Laurie. I am working toward all of the things you mentioned and I'm not feeling guilty anymore. Like I said in my original post, I've realized that I can have my dream, and I can deal with whatever pain and challenges come up along the way.


Hugs,