Oh What A Predicament! {bit long}

Avatar for lafaye_ak
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2003
Oh What A Predicament! {bit long}
12
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 12:47am

I don't expect a response to this, I think I just need to "talk" about it. It's an old story, those of you that know it will probably think, oh here she goes again with her sob story (no I don't really think that I'm just having a moment) but, it needs to come out and this is the only place I have to put it.

I wish I had the strength to do what I need to do. I wish I could muster up the courage to just say, "It's over."
But I don't have the strength or the courage to go to the woman I love and tell her this; even though I know it is probably for the best. We have come to a place that neither one of us recognizes.

We talked for hours, Chris and I, hours and hours and I swear I know more about her now than I ever did before. Those first few days I felt so much hope. And now we're back to square one... we're still getting on each others nerves. I don't mean the normal everyday stuff. I mean, my day basically begins when she walks out the door to go to work when I'm off. And I rush to get to work in the mornings when she's off.

This isn't good. I know. But at the same time, as much as I say to myself, I need to leave. I need to go. This is not healthy - I can't do it. It's so hard. I rehearse what to say over and over like a broken record, but I can't make that connection from brain to voice box to tongue actually moving to utter those word. I can't believe how hard it is.

I know I still love her. I can't say that I'm IN love with her any longer. I'm only hurting her and myself by staying in this. Not to mention my son. And yet...here I sit typing on this board trying to figure out where I'm going to get all this courage and strength. I think what happened? We used to be so close, so in sync, so together and somewhere it all just fell apart...I feel like Humpty Dumpty...

I've been going around and around this. Driving myself crazy over it.

And I JUST DON'T KNOW ANYMORE!

I don't expect a response to this, I think I just need to get it OUT. I need to rant and rave and vent because I just don't know what else to do. My gut and my head tells me to get out of this relationship and my heart says oh my god how you'll hurt her if you do this. But I don't know what else to do to try and fix what's wrong in our relationship. And neither does she...we're at checkmate with no other moves on the board.

I need courage. And I need strength. And there's no quick fix to those two needs. I just don't know where it's going to come from...

Thanks ladies, for once again, letting me poor my pitiful little heart out. Ooooiiiii what a mess!

L.




Edited 2/28/2005 12:49 am ET ET by lafaye_ak

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2005
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 11:53am

Hey,

It's me... been sick, but i saw this. Don't worry yourself to death. You will be able to leave when it is time to leave. It's that simple. Smooches. Myka

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 12:08pm

Hello Lafaye. I've actually been more of a lurker on this site for several months now and I don't normally post...but I've been following your relationship difficulties for a while now and I'm finally compelled to offer you my support, and if you don't mind, my two cents as well. Your posts about the issues you are facing are so moving to me..your words are so well written and you articulate your emotions very well. Most people have a very difficult time communicating exactly what they are feeling and I give you credit for being so open and honest with the women on this site about what's going on in your personal life. I have a feeling my post will be long...so I apologize in advance for any boredom I may cause!

I just wanted to let you know that I recently went through the same ordeal you are going through now. I was in a 7 year relationship and I won't go into all the details of my entire relationship, but suffice it to say that she was my best friend, I loved her with all my heart and I couldn't imagine doing anything to hurt her. But, just as you are going through now, I began to realize that even though I loved her, I was simply not IN love with her any longer. I knew that I needed to get out of the relationship, for both our sakes, and hoped that I could do it and keep the respect and honesty of it all intact at the same time. I went back and forth for months struggling with the decision. There was so much guilt on both sides of the coin...that guilt was like a double edged sword. On one hand, I knew I wasn't happy, and I knew I should end the relationship and allow her to go find someone or something that would make her happier than I could. On the other hand though the thought of actually hurting her was more than I could handle. So I felt like I was damned if I do and damned if I don't. What made it even harder, is we actually got along. We didn't have huge knock down drag out arguments, there was no "other woman" lurking in the background, there was really no overt issue that would cause us to break up. It was simply just falling out of love. I have begun to think maybe it would be easier if there were another woman, or some other major issue that just can't be overcome when it comes to ending a relationship. To simply acknowledge the fact that the love has died is sometimes more difficult to admit than if there were someone else in the picture.

So, I finally mustered up the courage and we had the "break-up" conversation. Like you and Chris, it went on and on for days and days and hours and hours. I have never been so mentally exhausted in all my life. But after all the tears, after all the heart wrenching brutal honesties, I still knew the relationship had run its course. She didn't feel the same, she still wanted to work it out and try and I just couldn't get back on that page with her though. So we said good-bye.

This all happened back in October. So it's been 5 months, and I never could have prepared myself for the emotional roller coaster I've been on. I wasn't expecting the total fall out I would feel when I ended things. I fell into a very dark place emotionally. Some days it was all I could do to get out of bed. I lost my best friend, the guilt I was feeling at having hurt her was almost more than I could handle. I felt like I didn't deserve any support from friends or family since I was the one that made this decision and I would have to suffer the consequences. It was a very lonely place for quite some time. There were many many days that I wanted to take back everything I said to her and try to work it out...I didn't want to feel the hurt and loneliness anymore and it took every ounce of strength I had to keep reminding myself that I was making the best decision for both of us.

My point of this post is this: You are about to enter an extremely emotionally wrenching time. It's going to take alot of strength and conviction to overcome what you are going through. But let me tell you, the things you are about to learn about yourself will absolutely amaze you. You will find out just how strong you are. I wanted so badly to run to the arms of someone, anyone else in order to avoid having to be alone and single for the first time in years and years. It was one of the most frightening times of my life. But I thank "god" every day that I have made myself go through the pain instead of seeking something to numb it. It has been a life changing experience that will guide me the rest of my life. You really have to hit a bottom in order to appreciate the top.

You sound like you are a strong, intelligent woman and I wish you all the luck, support and well wishes for what you are going through. But keep faith that while it is going to be difficult for a while, it will get better and the new sense of awareness you will have at the end of all of this is priceless. I have found myself so much more aware of what's going on around me now and what difficulties people are having in their life. It makes me want to reach out more and lend an ear, a shoulder or simply give a hug to someone in need. There are so many things and people to appreciate that while I was in a relationship I simply wasn't aware and open to. Every person I meet now has something to show or teach me...that's why they cross my path. And to be openly aware of that now is heart warming. I trust you will find the same as you move forward through your process. Remember to seek out support from friends and family...I wish now that I would have been a little better about asking for support when I needed it, but also sit with yourself even when it seems like it's the most difficult thing to do. The rewards you will have later on from it are life changing.

Good Luck Lafaye. Keep posting, keep thinking and feeling and know it will turn out to be one of those times in your life that changed everything. I hope to hear more of your story as you go forward with it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 12:40pm

Lafaye,


You shouldn't feel bad about expressing your pain here; that's what the board is for.

Scarlett
my blog

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2005
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 7:48pm
Wow. I sure hope you come out of lurkdom more often!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2005
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 7:58pm

Shonda, you and Chris had a good few years together, and I know you'll always

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 8:10pm
Welcome ishelty.......Hope you find yourself wanting to join in more..*Smiles

((((Hugs))))


 C  >^. A .

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 8:25pm
Lafaye.. Your story is not just the same ole sob story.. It's your story and it's important..
Glad you can vent here..
I am not going to give advice but make a

 C  >^. A .

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 8:52pm
Hi lafaye,
I know you do not expect any responses, but I feel the need to post to your thread here.
You and I have gone through some very similar things in our relationships.
You have to do what is best for you. No one should fault you for that.
I remember my parents talking to us when they decided to get a divorce. I knew they were not happy. They loved each other, but were no longer in love.
From what you have posted before it seems like you were still in love with your partner.
Have you realized that you are no longer in love?
What has Chris said. Or is it like my case, the right things get said but are not shown.
Sheila has really been making an attempt, bless her. I feel so bad that this accident has happened to her. It has made us realize that we don't want to lose each other though. I wish it didin't have to take such a trauma to make me see that. We never stopped being in love though. I guess we just became complacent. In a rut. We have been working on those things.
Does Chris have any interest in working on things?
I will post more later.
Hugs, Laurie Check out my new blog. co-cl of Lesbian Life Message Board Email- didoangst@comcast.net http://didoangst.blogspot.com/ http://www.4-lesbianlife.com/
Avatar for lafaye_ak
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2003
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 12:53am

Hey you,

Warm hugs Myka,

You sent me an email that just made me see something totally clearly and I thank you for that. I've got in my head what you told me, and I swear girl I heard my Nana saying those words as I read them. LOL...perhaps I just needed a "southern" woman to "bring it on home." You know what I mean?

I don't know something about your email just knocked it all into place. Thank you Myka. You've been a terrific friend and I hope I get the chances to do the same for you. I feel so bad for you, that you are sick and were sick and alone on your BDay. That's terrible.

How are you for real? Email me.

Hugs and love,

Shonda

Avatar for lafaye_ak
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2003
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 1:09am

Hello Shelty,

Thanks for responding. Wow, where do I start. I guess with, where have you BEEN? LOL...we need posts like this one. I am glad that you posted finally.

I agree with you that it might be easier to have a more tangible reason than, "I just fell out of love." I still love my GF. I care deeply for her. But I don't know if that is enough to sustain our relationship. There are so many other things I don't post here, and most likely never will, simply because of the nature of them, but all these things come into play right now for me. I know I care for her; I've given her almost 3 years of my life. But I wonder if we have what it takes to make it for the long haul? I'm not trying to "set the future up" for myself per se, but I do want the longevity in a relationship. I hate the fly by night thing. I'm not built for that.

I would hope to that we would be able to maintain the respect and honesty of it all intact. I don't know if that will happen, but that is my wish. I've been going back and forth for a long time now. The guilt is here too, for both of us, so much muddy water between us...

I know that I am not happy. Haven't been for a long time. Neither is she. It's a double edged sword no matter which way you swing it. Chris and I don't get along anymore, we don't agree about anything anymore and I know there is underlying history that goes along with it. But that cycle, we have no clue how to break that. We fight about everything from household bills and who is paying what to what time to go out to dinner....It's madness!
No two people should disagree so much. And it's utterly exhausting. I'm tired, and my life isn't getting any longer. To picture us for the next five years going through this would give me ulcers.

I know I'm going to have to find much strength, courage, and will. I know I am strong. I know I will be okay. I have a tendency to grieve when others have no clue I'm grieving. I grieve for what I see us losing, when the problems are not resolved or acknowledged. I will hurt I know, but I've grieved so much already, and will grieve much more I'm sure.

"So, I finally mustered up the courage and we had the "break-up" conversation. Like you and Chris, it went on and on for days and days and hours and hours. I have never been so mentally exhausted in all my life. But after all the tears, after all the heart wrenching brutal honesties, I still knew the relationship had run its course. She didn't feel the same, she still wanted to work it out and try and I just couldn't get back on that page with her though. So we said good-bye." And this is where we find ourselves. Sitting on the couch looking at each other, with the question in our eyes: "Are we going to make it?"

I know what I need to do for me and my son if Chris and I definitively decide to go our separate ways. I've been a half mother to my child enough already as it is. And if we stay together, which I truly don't see happening, but if by some chance we can salvage whatever is left, I can only pray that it turns around, truly, for the better. After all the hours of talking it seems we went right back to where we were. And I've been there and I just don't want to be THERE anymore. I don't expect to be madly in love with a woman, it WOULD be nice, but I know love and people change. But I always thought not only should they change as individuals, but together. It doesn't always happen that way, but in some fashion it should yes?

Or maybe I'm just all wrong. I don't know anymore...

" But keep faith that while it is going to be difficult for a while, it will get better and the new sense of awareness you will have at the end of all of this is priceless. I have found myself so much more aware of what's going on around me now and what difficulties people are having in their life. It makes me want to reach out more and lend an ear, a shoulder or simply give a hug to someone in need. There are so many things and people to appreciate that while I was in a relationship I simply wasn't aware and open to. Every person I meet now has something to show or teach me...that's why they cross my path. And to be openly aware of that now is heart warming. I trust you will find the same as you move forward through your process. Remember to seek out support from friends and family...I wish now that I would have been a little better about asking for support when I needed it, but also sit with yourself even when it seems like it's the most difficult thing to do. The rewards you will have later on from it are life changing."

And this, with or without Chris, I look forward to. Because I've realized somethings about myself these last couple of weeks, things I know that I need to work on for myself. Just for me. Just to be a better more healthy me. And a better and more healthy mom. And I have to do that. And I will.

Thank you so much Shelty for such a thought provoking post. I do hope to see you more often???? *SMILE*

Gentle hugs,

Shonda

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