Oh What A Predicament! {bit long}

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Registered: 08-08-2003
Oh What A Predicament! {bit long}
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Mon, 02-28-2005 - 12:47am

I don't expect a response to this, I think I just need to "talk" about it. It's an old story, those of you that know it will probably think, oh here she goes again with her sob story (no I don't really think that I'm just having a moment) but, it needs to come out and this is the only place I have to put it.

I wish I had the strength to do what I need to do. I wish I could muster up the courage to just say, "It's over."
But I don't have the strength or the courage to go to the woman I love and tell her this; even though I know it is probably for the best. We have come to a place that neither one of us recognizes.

We talked for hours, Chris and I, hours and hours and I swear I know more about her now than I ever did before. Those first few days I felt so much hope. And now we're back to square one... we're still getting on each others nerves. I don't mean the normal everyday stuff. I mean, my day basically begins when she walks out the door to go to work when I'm off. And I rush to get to work in the mornings when she's off.

This isn't good. I know. But at the same time, as much as I say to myself, I need to leave. I need to go. This is not healthy - I can't do it. It's so hard. I rehearse what to say over and over like a broken record, but I can't make that connection from brain to voice box to tongue actually moving to utter those word. I can't believe how hard it is.

I know I still love her. I can't say that I'm IN love with her any longer. I'm only hurting her and myself by staying in this. Not to mention my son. And yet...here I sit typing on this board trying to figure out where I'm going to get all this courage and strength. I think what happened? We used to be so close, so in sync, so together and somewhere it all just fell apart...I feel like Humpty Dumpty...

I've been going around and around this. Driving myself crazy over it.

And I JUST DON'T KNOW ANYMORE!

I don't expect a response to this, I think I just need to get it OUT. I need to rant and rave and vent because I just don't know what else to do. My gut and my head tells me to get out of this relationship and my heart says oh my god how you'll hurt her if you do this. But I don't know what else to do to try and fix what's wrong in our relationship. And neither does she...we're at checkmate with no other moves on the board.

I need courage. And I need strength. And there's no quick fix to those two needs. I just don't know where it's going to come from...

Thanks ladies, for once again, letting me poor my pitiful little heart out. Ooooiiiii what a mess!

L.




Edited 2/28/2005 12:49 am ET ET by lafaye_ak

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 10:49am

I'm thinking I may start posting more often! I'm typically not the "frivolous" poster and find myself drawn more to the intense emotional aspects of Lesbian relationships. I guess that's due to what I have recently been through in my own relationship. Trust though that I read these posts daily and follow all of your progress through this challenging time.

I will add a couple more thoughts I have had over the last day or two, especially in response to your reply.

"I'm not trying to "set the future up" for myself per se, but I do want the longevity in a relationship. I hate the fly by night thing. I'm not built for that."

These are the kind of comments that provoke my thoughts the most....what exactly makes a relationship "long term" and if the relationship lasts 3 years, does that make it more worthy and meaningful than a relationship that lasts 3 months? I have never been one for the "fly by night" or the short term flings in my life either. However, I also don't believe in forever with just one person. There are too many events that occur in life...tragedies, accidents, deaths, as well as the good things, births, human connections, family...and I do not believe all of these events are sustainable with only one person. I don't view this belief of mine as negative or bitter, but as my life progresses and the different events take place, I find myself being drawn to different people during different circumstances. Some people and connections may be more intimate than others, but there are just way too many opportunites to learn and grow from what people have to offer us. That's not to say that when I'm in a relationship, I don't give 100% and try to do all that's possible to make it work out when things get difficult, but I've come to realize that even if it doesn't work out in the long run, even after exhausting ever effort to make it work, it's okay to leave the relationship behind. It's not fair to anyone involved to stay together just for the sake of staying together. Most people are so afraid to be alone, or to end a relationship they are not happy in mostly for the simple fact of being scared of the unknown that's out there after the relationship ends. It's very scary and challenging to sit through that and not know what will cross your path tomorrow without a partner. But that's also the beauty of it all...the not knowing. Once I got past the point of being terrified of being alone, my world completely opened up. The people I'm meeting and the opportunities that are presenting themselves to me are amazing. Things I never would have considered while in my relationship. It's all about your own sense of awareness. You can embrace the fear, or you can run and hide from it. But eventually, you'll be "forced" to come face to face with it and you can either learn and grow or you can stay "stagnant" and keep repeating the same old patterns in your life.

The beginnings and the endings of relationships are two of the most profound events that can occur in a persons life. They hold unmeasurable growth and learning experiences. My recent relationship and the aftermath of it ending have taught me more than any other experience. I'm no longer afraid to be alone, and I'm no longer afraid to be in a relationship either that may end up not "working out". But what is "working out" really? Because it didn't last forever does NOT mean it didn't work out. And that's my whole point....why does longevity or forever constitute working out. My relationship didn't last forever, but in my own mind and heart, that doesn't mean it didn't work out. The things I've learned to do differently, the opportunities I've learned to embrace instead of run scared from to me are definitive signs that my relationship did work out. I have learned what I was supposed to learn from it and that is all I can hope for. It's all any of us can hope for.

What you and Chris are going through is challenging and I'm sure making you feel pulled and twisted in all different directions. But at the times when you feel the most like crapp...try to be a little excited about what lies ahead for you..and for Chris. You're about to step into a new world and right now it's yours for the taking. Make it become all you ever dreamed of. This is the perfect opportunity.

Keep me posted as events unfold. Feel free to email me anytime at shiloh0528@aol.com if you ever want to talk.

Amy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 9:27am
Hi Amy,
I am happy to see that you came back out of lurkdom.
I hope we hear more from you in the future.
Thanks for posting.
Hugs, Laurie Check out my new blog. co-cl of Lesbian Life Message Board Email- didoangst@comcast.net http://didoangst.blogspot.com/ http://www.4-lesbianlife.com/

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