Jamie night

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2004
Jamie night
6
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 3:55pm
Got to see Jamie twice... Thurs I drove out to her class (in a town 40 min from here), took class, and we went out for dinner w/ another friend and all the kids. It was fun- nothing too special.
Last night... well... they called me from a bar (Jamie and 2 friends) and I met them there. I always give DH the option of going but he never wants to. That's OK by me! Maybe because I've been sick or maybe because my dinner was 4 french toast sticks- I got looped early and hard!!! It hit me after about 3 beers.
It was a long night- we started at 6 and did not get home until 2:30. After the first bar Jamie and I went back to her house while the other two went to get one lady's car. All I can say is I could hardly stand to be alone with her!!! I wanted to just start making out then and there!!!! I needed my one friend to come quick because she always calms me down and gets me to think about something else.
Next we decided to go try to find one lady's husband. This is the one that is so controlling, etc. He brought her kids to the bar so he could go out with his friends and so she couldn't do anything without him knowing. Jamie's oldest babysat the kids and we went out to his favorite spots to try to "catch him". Jamie and I were in the back. I was drunk. I just kept on whispering to her, etc. The girl driving was not being safe and my nerves were really bad. I finally leaned over to Jamie and said, "I think we're gonna' die. If we are going to die, will you please at least KISS ME first?"
I don't remember how she reacted, but at the next stop, she moved to the front seat and my friend told me Jamie told them what I said. She was not happy!!!!
Don't know why I'm telling all this, just don't know how it will turn out. I tried to call her today and she did not answer. I guess I will apologize. It is just so dang hard to feel so strongly about someone you can't have...
Photobucket 
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2004
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 7:44pm

UPDATE:

Tried to call Jamie to see if she was mad. No answer.
Talked w/ Friend #1- the one I'm closest too. She said I should just call and apologize.
Called again and left message.
Talked w/ friend #2, who is Jamie's best friend. She said I just need to quit thinking about it! She is right. I do. I've been really good about hiding it except when drinking too much. I guess instead of hiding it, I just need to give it up. (Haven't I said this before?) It is easier said than done!
Tried to call again- no answer.
Right at dinner time, Jamie finally called- in a happy mood!! She accepted my apology and talked about other stuff with me.I am so relieved. :)

Photobucket 
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2005
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 10:09pm

Hey Brownie! Well, I gave you my two cents in the chat, and I hope the hangover is 100% gone soon! Get some rest hun, and dream wonderful dreams (other than Jamie).


xo

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2004
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 4:12pm
It's still not over. Why can't I just hit a switch and turn off the feelings? There's so much more in there now... Not just the fun, exciting fantasy, but fear of rejection, of losing her, and so much insecurity that I want to talk to her every second. Do you think this is more of an addiction thing than a gay thing?
I had to force myself not to call her on Monday. Tuesday I sent emails (just generic ones to several friends) and checked email every 10 min to see if there was one from her. Wed. I finally called her. She sounded glad to hear from me, but could only talk a few minutes. Today I called and she said she was thinking about calling me. We talked about a bunch of stuff and then it just got really quiet. I didn't know what to say. She didn't say anything, which is weird. Tonight and tomorrow she has plans so I won't see her until Saturday- either morning or night. We're going to have movie night at my house. I got off the phone and just felt like crying. I don't know why. I should be glad she is still friendly. I just feel like there's a giant hole inside. Does that make sense?
I was reading some old posts and found one from Nony. (Hope you don't mind if I quote you here...) It said:
<>
Is this what is happening? Or, since it is just one particular woman, is it more of a fixation on her alone? HELP!!!! I want to go back to when I felt happy w/ everything!!!!!
Brownie
Photobucket 
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 4:51pm
Awwwwww brownie,
Maybe the love bug has bitten you.
I think we have all been in that place where we experience unrequited love. Sometimes I think that makes it more intense. The fear of the unknown, not knowing where exactly you stand with this person and feeling vulnerable because she does know how you feel. Forever fantasizing how great it would be to hold each other or kiss or even more. It is easy to write the perfect script in our heads on how the relationship will go. I think when we write our own scripts, we tend to write ourselves and the love we can't have as the "Living Happily Ever After", type of relationship. It is an escape from reality. In our scripted version of this love affair, no one has to do laundry, clean the house, go grocery shopping,
or have a clashing schedules. In our own scripted version of the love relationship, we do not have bad moods or clashing libido's, or financial strains.
We tend to see the fantasy lover as the one perfect relationship with all the romance and perfect timing, no one wakes up with bad breath or passing gas,legs and arm pits always shaved, no suspicious hairs on the soap, no one splashes water from the sink onto the toilet seat for you to sit on and think the worst, no one hangs the toilet paper wrong, in fact we never imagine having to use the bathroom, because our script is all about the perfect relationship. The romantic candlelight dinners we imagine, but we do not write into the script about cleaning the kitchen or the dishes, and the candles in our scripts never seem to die out.
Sometimes it helps to stop reading and writing our own scripts. Not forgetting the person, just the perfectly written scripts. Everytime the scripts enter your mind try to ersae it or delete it and think of reality. The house would get messy, the yard would need mowed, the cars would have problems, you would still get your periods and feel like crap, cramping, bloating, and irritable. Then think of the life you are living right now, be in the present time and not in your script. Eventually the intense flames will die down as long as you do not keep adding fuel to the fire by writing more scripts.
I hope this helps, but if it doesn't you could always stalk her. (joke)
Take care brownie,
I know this is an intensly emotional time for you.
Hugs, Laurie Check out my new blog. co-cl of Lesbian Life Message Board Email- didoangst@comcast.net http://didoangst.blogspot.com/ http://www.4-lesbianlife.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 11:16pm

Browney,

Happy for you! I know how waiting for someone to call can be so agonizing and you always fear the worst and then, wham bam thank you mame, all is well with the world! What a roller coaster ride! Play it safe now, and remember it's not about you! Jamie has plans for her life, and consider yourself lucky that you are at least a friend and she did call back in better spirits....remember what was said in chat? Be there for her, don't push how you feel and see what direction she wants to take. You almost lost the friendship right? Take it easy with your heart child.....my two cents, don't get hurt okay?

hugs
halo

hugs

halo

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 5:43am

Hey Brownie ~


((( great big hugs ))) I'll give you my spin on what I think is happening, the pictures I get from the