don't know why I'm sharing.. need a vent

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
don't know why I'm sharing.. need a vent
16
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 4:36am

Most of you know, my kids live with their Dad, very far away from me. But I speak to them by phone every Sunday. They tell me most EVERYTHING... like they've forgotten I'm a parent. I suppose part of it is cos I'm not there to react/ ground them or whatever's appropriate, part of it is that their Dad and I have a strained relationship.

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2005
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 8:16am

Oh (((((((Nony))))))), you rarely ever vent, so your turn is long overdue here!


I have no experience in raising a teenager, but I really feel that you did the right thing. Her father and step mom needed to know what was going on, for your DD's safety. This man is taking advantage of her, using her, and not to mention fooling around with a married man/woman is always a dangerous situation that never ends well. Because of you, her father will be able to take control of the situation and get this could-be predator (and poosibly a very angry wife) out of your DD's life! Please don't second guess yourself. I know that losing that little avenue of info with her can be hard to think about, but that consequence does not outweigh the harm caused by being a friend and not a parent. Eventually your DD will see this, and she will never forget that you love her. This coming from a former wild child that put her parents through the ringer and back, always thinking they were out to "get me".


Big (((((((hugs)))))))

updating my sig, please bear with me!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 8:53am

Nony my friend


Now that I am 1000 miles away from my son, I find myself in much the same situation.

 *Hugs ~  Caly

aka  

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 9:10am

I live in the same apartment with my daughter and sometimes it feels as though she's slipping away.


You did the right thing.

Kim
Check out my

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 9:20am
Awwwwww nony,
You are right, you are a Mom first. Can you e-mail her and let her know that you are still there for her, but you are also her Mom and you did what you thought you should do as a Mom not as a friend because you love her so much you do not want to see her get hurt.
That you are willing to talk to her more about this and you understand her feelings and would like her to understand your as a Mom.
I think it is great that she can come to you to talk about everything. But I do think you did the right thing. That guy is going to only hurt her. He cannot leave his wife for a teenager and he can never see her like a readl date. He could be thrown in jail.
Maybe you could have hubby get that restraining order on him without the jail thing.
You do still have a duty to those kids, you are their Mom.
You can always vent here.
I do not have children so I am not sure I am seeing it the way a Mom should, I just think out of respect for the way she feels for him, I would not mess him up with jail and or tell his wife, just let him know he needs to back off or else. Otherwise she might freak out if she feels she caused him to be in such a mess.
These days 15 and 20 year olds do the same things sexually if they really want to. I think the fact that he is married and an adult is where I would be concerened because she is heading for a world of hurt.
Ok, just my 2 cents worth.
Take care and I hope she will keep the lines of communication open.
Hugs, Laurie Check out my new blog. co-cl of Lesbian Life Message Board Email- didoangst@comcast.net http://didoangst.blogspot.com/ http://www.4-lesbianlife.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2002
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 9:59am

Hi Nony,


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2005
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 12:22pm
I don't know you well yet, but I had to respond. My OH and I have 4 kids between us. The two oldest (hers by birth) are teenagers, and the two youngest (mine by birth) are preteen and elementary age. Neither of us have full-time custody of the kids (hers live with their father, and mine go to school two hours away so they stay with my parents during the week) so we can somewhat feel for you. We have the teenagers every other weekend, 4 weeks in the summer, spring break, and 3 afternoons a week, and the younger two every weekend and whenever they're not in school. I can't imagine what it's like to try to parent teenagers from long distance. It's hard enough when they're right there in front of you and can't just hang up the phone. But you did the right thing. Whether she's right there in the room or a thousand miles away, you are her mother, and your primary concern is always going to be protecting her from harm. She may hate you for it today, but some day when she has a little more age and experience behind her, she will see that, and feel more loved for what you did. Believe that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2005
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 12:44pm

((((((((Nony)))))))))) I think you've gotten great advice so far, so I won't repeat what's been said. One thing that would be a huge concern for me is her age and how much she could have gotten in over her head. It's wonderful that you're there for her as someone to talk to and as a parent who will set some boundaries. She's probably scared and needs your comfort right now.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 1:35pm
Oh Nony, I am so sorry. I never hear you complain so I am so sad for you. I have a 16 yr old, and I know it can be rough. I couln't imagine how out of control you must feel at this point. It's imparative that you maintain frequent communication right now. Depending on what your daughter's personality type, you only know what you need to do from here. I think I would try and see how and why this even happened. Many 15 yr olds would be fearful of dating a man so much older - and married. That is a symptom of a bigger problem IMO. I'll keep you both in my prayers, keep us posted. Hugs,


Sandra

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Sandr

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 2:09pm

Nony,


You absolutely did the right thing.

Scarlett
my blog

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2004
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 2:25pm
I second everything they all said. You did the right thing.
She is still a kid and she needs limits and parents, even if it hurts to lose the boyfriend. I hope you can talk w/ her and explain the mom's point of view...
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