Sad times

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2005
Sad times
10
Sun, 04-17-2005 - 4:50pm

Hi Ladies. Was hoping that someone here might have some advice or words of wisdom for me. I have just recently split up with my girlfriend. It hasn't been a straight forward relationship but then I don't think that many lesbian relationships are. She is currently married with three kids. We were friends for about 6 months before anything happened. Prior to anything happening she had serious plans to leave her husband but when she told him that she was gay he took it very badly as anyone would. He said that he would tell the kids and that it was all her fault. Their marriage has been on the rocks for a few years prior to her going out to explore her sexuality.

Sadly now she has decided that she will stay with him for the sake of her kids and that she can't continue with any lesbian relationship eventhough we are deeply in love. Her husband thinks that it all stopped last year. Currently we don't live in the same country. She thinks that she is wasting my life and that I could meet someone that can give me a fuller relationship. My head and heart are all over the place. My friends, straight and gay are worried that I am only going to get hurt further if we try to continue this on. She wants us to be friends but I don't think that I can cope with that type of relationship with her considering how I feel about her.

It has only been a week and this is killing me. We started taking again but I don't know if this is just making it more difficult for me.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Many thanks Ladies.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
In reply to: softhands2005
Sun, 04-17-2005 - 5:52pm


Hello softhands, my name is Gigi.

In my opinion, and that's all that it is, honesty before all things must come first, regardless of the sexuality of the persons involved. Since, I've never been involved with a man and I don't have childern, I couldn't give any suggestions on that part.

But the part I can give suggestions about, is what you're friends are suggesting would be in your best interest. Let her go. Even though she made the decision that she made, that doesn't mean that you have to torment yourself, hoping that things will change.

There are ladies here in this community, that know what you're going through; as far as having a husband that will use their children, to manipulate the situation to get their way.

Please, believe me that not all lesbian relationships are dishonest, because they all aren't. I do welcome you here amongst us, we do care about you and would like to get to know you better.

I hope it's ok that I give you a Hug, and let you know, that this too shall pass.

{{{{{{{{{{softhands}}}}}}}}}}

 


Hugs,


Sebastian


 


http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2005
In reply to: softhands2005
Sun, 04-17-2005 - 7:17pm

Hi softhands and welcome to Lesbian Life. You have found a very warm place to come to for advice and support, so please feel free to return here anytime you need us!


I can definitely sympathize with your girlfriend's situation. Her husband almost mirrors my XH, who has also used my ds to try and "straighten" me out, so to speak. She is putting her children first, though I really wish she could find a way to be with them and be who she is at the same time (something I have yet to accomplish).


I would put a little time and distance between yourself and her before trying to be friends. Let your other friends take care of you for awhile, since they do seem to care about what's best for you. Have a little fun, meet new people, do different things - anything to keep your mind off of her until you feel that you can talk to her without that sad lump in your throat.


Well, that's my two cents. Other than that, I'm glad you found this awesome little cyber room. Feel free to jump into any of our conversations!

~ Proud Co-cl of Lesbian Life


my email


LL Member Pics





 

Avatar for nursepam2000
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
In reply to: softhands2005
Sun, 04-17-2005 - 7:43pm

Hi Softhands and Welcome to LL.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2005
In reply to: softhands2005
Sun, 04-17-2005 - 11:56pm

Welcome, you have come to a wonderful place. Many here do understand, and you will receive great support.


I could have wrote your post myself, except I am the married one in love with someone else. It is a very difficult position for her to be in and right now I would think she does need your support, but

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2005
In reply to: softhands2005
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 8:45am

((((((softhands))))))) I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation. I was in a similar situation and unlike your g/f, I did leave my husband. I knew that I couldn't live a lie, and while it was very difficult with XH and the kids it really was what needed to happen. I wouldn't have been worth anything as a mom if I had been forced to stay in a situation that wasn't healthy.


At any rate, I agree with the others. It sounds as if you need some distance for a while. Hopefully in time g/f will gain the strength she needs to live the life she is meant to live. You deserve to have 100% of her love and time as a g/f, not 50% or whatever amount you had.


Take care of yourself and stick around. This is a wonderful place!


Hugs,


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2005
In reply to: softhands2005
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 11:53am

Just in from work and it was lovely to receive so many lovely replies. Thanks Guys. I came across this web site purely by accident over a year ago but have only gotten the courage to post on it now. You are all very friendly and nonjudgemental which is a rarity in many aspects of life and particularly the gay community. Perhaps I'm being judgemental now! Admittedly I have only been going out in the gay community for the last 3 or so years in the UK and Ireland which has major problems with homosexuality.

I do believe that honesty comes first in any relationship and yes I've spoken to my girlfriend about her situation from day one. I must admit I went into the situation with my eyes open. Of course when I finally accepted my own sexuality after several hard years of getting over my first girlfriend I never thought about falling in love with a married woman. Being a lesbian for me has been such a nightmare. Most of my family are unaware of it and some of my straight friends have found it very difficuly to come to terms with it also. I'm sure it's been the same for some of you ladies. People think they know you and then suddenly they feel that they don't. Forgive me for rambling.

I wish I could help my girlfriend to realise that continuing with her current situation purely for the kids isn't healthly for her or her children in the long term. She feels that she has too much to loose and in some aspects she does. Sure I can't bring myself to come out to my very catholic parents or siblings and I've no major commitments. I know if she isn't willing to go there, there is very little that I can do except be there for her.

For you ladies that that do have children, how did your children react when they finally found out? My girlfriend is SO afraid that she will ultimately destroy their childhoods which may affect them as they grow up and that she will lose the beautiful bond that they all share.

OK I best leave it there for now. I can't thank you all enough. Sometimes I feel so alone and different. I do realise that life could be much harder. In my work I see lots of pain and real suffering and I should count my blessings. No one has died so there is always hope! Again thank you sincerely and I will do my best to take heed of your advice and kind words. Warm wishes from the UK on a beautiful sunny day! Yeah who would believe it. Great to meet you all. Hugs Lucy X

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: softhands2005
Mon, 04-18-2005 - 6:52pm

Sorry to hear about your breakup with this woman, but quite honestly, the way I see it, it isnt as bad as you seem to think it is:

See, when youre living a life thats half in one and half in the other, you cant give ALL of yourself to one of those things or one of those people. Simply put, neither of you had her. She did what was convenient for her to do and stayed with the both of you. Most definitely you are wrong in thinking that lesbian relationships arent straight forward to begin with - maybe thats just how you wrap your own head around things to get through it all. I think we all know thats not true.

The way I see it is to cut your losses before you end up losing more than you have already. 6 months is a good amount of time to start a friendship with her, but I dont think its such a long period of time where you should feel like you've lost your whole life. In fact, its not. This is a good time to assess what YOU want for yourself, what YOU will put up with..your needs and your desires and how you want to make YOU happy.

Sad your friend is going through this all, but unfortunately there's nothing you can do to help her. Her problem to work through.

I hope you end up working something out for yourself that doesnt waste your time and break your heart.

Good luck.

-Alisha

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2005
In reply to: softhands2005
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 12:13am

Dear softhands;


I'm so sorry that you are sad and going through such a hard thing.

Kathryn (formerly Scarletter)
my blog

Avatar for nursepam2000
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
In reply to: softhands2005
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 12:32am

(((((Alisha)))))


Good to see you again :o)


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: softhands2005
Tue, 04-19-2005 - 4:06pm

Hi honey!
Good to see YOU!!

xoxoxo