Confused about incident at work...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Confused about incident at work...
7
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 10:27pm

Hi, I don't normally post on this board, but I do recognize a couple of you (hi, Caly!). I'm just confused, and a little upset, about something that's been happening at work the last few days, and I don't know who else to ask.

I'm not even sure how to phrase it here, maybe since it's so personal. But I'll try... I'm 24 and working in an office this summer before my second year of med school. I'm generally not interested in boyfriend/girlfriend kinds of relationships now...I did have two guy-friends-who-became-more for a short time in college, though.

I guess I should mention that I've been dealing with major depression for a long time-- at least 6 years-- which finally seems to be lifting with treatment...so maybe that is partly to blame for my lack of interest in relationships. But in any case, I've generally considered myself to be heterosexual, although I did have my doubts.

So I'm kind of uncomfortable admitting what's been happening at work lately. There's another female med student working in the same office, and she occasionally wears kind of low-cut tank tops and things like that...and pretty often lately, I've caught myself looking at the general area of her chest.

I've been trying my best not to...focusing on her face, or sometimes even looking at my paperwork when talking to her...but still it happens, and the worst part is I KNOW she has noticed it too. Each time we started talking today, she kept adjusting her shirt and looking uncomfortable. And it would be impossible to avoid talking to her altogether.

This has made me feel awful, to think that I would make someone uncomfortable in that way (and she is definitely heterosexual). I really wish I could figure out why I can't seem to stop looking...I don't think it's necessarily that I'm attracted to her, but I just don't know.

One thing I've thought of, she's very thin (you can see her rib bones), and I've had eating "issues" myself for a long time...so maybe it's possible that I'm just kind of jealous or envious or her body type? Or maybe I'm just curious/concerned about seeing whether she might have a mild form of an eating disorder?

I'm really not sure what my reason is for acting this way...I don't feel any strong feeling of attraction towards her, as far as I can tell...and I don't even think she's among the prettiest people I know. But this same kind of thing happened once when I was in high school...my female teacher noticed me looking at her and never acted the same towards me again.

I myself dress very conservatively (covered all over and never tight clothes) and have grown up really sheltered...so I think maybe I just have some curiosity that was never addressed when I was younger...I honestly don't know, though.

And this incident at work has just added to my sense of not fitting in well with my co-workers. I'm pretty sure it's not just my perception...several people there make a point of talking with anyone else BUT me...and one person today started ignoring me even when I asked her a question. It's nothing really new to me...just disappointing, I guess.

Sorry that this has gotten so long...I really appreciate any thoughts or suggestions. I doubt there's anything I can do at this point to make up for the past, but of course I'm going to do my best to act differently in the future.

Thanks,

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 12:14am

Rosa,

My experience has been both ways. I think people have a tendency to look at a persons body type, and also have what I call a wandering eye. Gosh he's well hung, or she has big breasts. With her wearing revealing shirts seems to indicate that she's well aware that her breasts are maybe well developed. Since you say she isn't very pretty, then it may be her best foot forward.

Everyone looks, it's how long we look that can stir up issues. I would suggest asking or maybe suggest the distraction in a funny way to her...or I would probably talk to my supervisor and mention the distraction to them, and ask to reaffirm the dress code in the office. You can joke and say that you can't help but look cause your wondering when her boobs are going to fall out! I think other women are noticing the same thing, your more conscientious of noticing. I don't think it means your turning into a lesbian....the negative energy and worry might be carrying over to the other workers. Maybe that's why you notice a change in their behavior. Carry on with your duties and don't worry about what they think. I guarantee they aren't thinking of you at all, people are more into themselves then into others.

best of luck

hugs
halo

hugs

halo

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 12:30am
Hi Rose and Welcome.. Rose Hon.. Don't be so hard on yourself or worry yourself to much over it all..
It could be for many reasons you look.. You mentioned some ..If she is showing that much of herself (and not anything wrong with that) well it's normal that others are going to look.. Yes perhaps you are curious about the eating problem, or perhaps you do envy something about her.. Or perhaps you are thinking somewhere within without even realizing it...about how it could be for yourself.. to be so free with dressing.. (You said you wear very covering clothing and lived a sheltered life).. I myself use to and still do look at people (especially females)... at their clothing ..their body types.. Their out and out style.. I use to wonder what would I look like with this or that ..that someone else had about them.. Still do at times...
As for the co-workers..As Halo said perhaps they are feeling the tension from you or perhaps they think you are into females and they are very closed minded and have an additude, or maybe as halo said they aren't thinking much about you at all. Just try to focus on her face (eyes) as you talk to her when you do and really Hon.. there are way worst things in our lives to worry about.. Not that what your telling us I am taking lightly cause it means

 C  >^. A .

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2004
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 10:50am

Hello Rose,

I'm Angel (Dana) and I have some questions for you. Have you ever been attracted to a female. Have you ever thought about being with another woman?

See there's what you would call bisexual - You have a attraction for male & females. You really have to look within yourself to find the answers to the questions you need to have answered. When you looked at her chest what was your reason? Is a females chest the only thing that normally attracts your attention?

It must really hurt to have people treat you so rudely (word ?). Do you have friends (boy's or girl's)? Do you go out much? It sounds to me like you might need to open up be a little out going. Go out for a drank. Don't be shy. Open up and talk to somebody - that's how you meet people. Where are you from?

Feel free to e-mail me if you like to talk about anything.

Angel
dangelangelica@yahoo.com


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 3:43pm

Hello rosa, My name is Gigi. I can understand by being brought up in a sheltered envirnoment. I grew up, and eventually, I got tired of being sheltered. When I turned 18, I decided that it ws time that I spread my wings and fly. Me and my mother locked horns about what she thought was an appropriate time for me to come in. By the laws of the state of Delaware, at the age of 18, I became a woman. I'm pretty sure that she called the police, and they told her that there's nothing that they can do, I'm an adult.

Anyway, when I started to live on my own, I became a security guard. I worked in an office building, that was full of lawyers. And in the same building was a bank, I mean talk about conservative.

Anyway, I got really hot in the pants, because of all of the women in there, with their business suits, skirts and they're very sexy perfumes. Had to try to keep looking them in the face. The women lawyers, were conservative too. They were even harder to resist. But resist I did. I loved escorting them, upon request, to their cars. My head swelled about the size of an watermellon. I simply loved looking at their skirts as they walked away from me, I also looked them up and down, and I gave them a small smile, and said, "You look very nice today". Of course, they knew what I was up to. But I kept my distance and I respected them anyway.

Once I broke out of my "shell" I felt like I could "breathe" again. But I do keep my distance. At lunchtime, I go into town and I watch all of the business women, in there business suits, and I smile at them, ans some of them smile back. Well, maybe the young lady is very attracted to you, and she's trying to get your attention, or she might be trying to see if you're interested in her. Plain and simple.

Oh yeah welcome, and I hope that you stay and get to know us.

 


Hugs,


Sebastian


 


http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 07-02-2005 - 1:14pm

Thank you all very much for the caring and thoughtful posts...sorry it's taken me a little while to recover from the work week and to give a little thought to your replies. Fortunately, the last few days, this girl at work has worn a little less revealing clothes, so I haven't had as much of a problem, although I'm sure she remembers the discomfort I caused her.

I appreciate the ideas about why I might be drawn to look at her...it's still hard for me to know which of those might be the case, or if it's anything I should be concerned about. Her shirt wasn't so low-cut that it was outrageous...I still think maybe I could be kind of envious of her body type, though, or wishing I could be so bold in dressing.

Angel, to answer your questions...it must sound strange, but I'm not sure if I've been attracted to a woman before...I think probably so, though. I haven't really thought about being with a woman before...but then again, I don't think about being with men either. I guess either I've repressed something or this is just my personality... I think I am pretty much a "loner" by choice and don't really want a relationship.

I do have friends, both girls and guys...but I don't talk to them much or go out much. Sometimes they invite me, and I do go sometimes (reluctantly), but I'd rather be alone. You're probably right that I need to open up and be more outgoing...that's really hard for me, though, because I'm so shy and don't even drink or go out like that...

I know I'm probably not "normal" with respect to all this...for a long time, I've been denying that I feel this way and forcing myself to be as outgoing as I could...and maybe that is the best way to go. But recently, I've realized that this may just be "how I am" and that maybe I should just accept it.

This has gotten way off topic, sorry! Oops, forgot to answer one of your questions...as I said, though, I'm not sure why I looked at her...I guess it could be that I was attracted to her. To be honest, I have mostly platonic feelings toward most guys...I thought it was that way with girls, too, but maybe this incident at work means that it's not.

I'm from the South (going to school in the Midwest now, though), so that could have something to do with it. Personally, I have very liberal beliefs (even though I behave conservatively!) and am a strong supporter of equal rights for everybody. But my parents (my father especially) think otherwise, as did a lot of people I grew up with...in my dad's mind, probably the worst crime I could commit is having a homosexual relationship (well, that, or having an interracial relationship, which I already did, without his knowledge!).

Yikes, yet another lengthy post...my apologies...thanks for listening and for asking these thought-provoking questions...I'll have to mull them over some more.

Thanks,

Rose




Edited 7/2/2005 1:17 pm ET ET by rosa444
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 07-02-2005 - 1:24pm

Hi Gigi, thanks for your post and for the welcome. I can definitely relate to your feelings about being liberal in a conservative environment...interesting how that has turned out for you with all the business women!

In another situation, I'd think it could be possible that the girl at work was attracted to me...but she has a serious boyfriend, and besides, she really hasn't given me any hints or signs that she's interested in me...I think she was more bothered (and maybe even offended) by my looking at her than anything.

Thanks for your post...it gave me a different perspective on things!

:) Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2004
Wed, 07-06-2005 - 10:30am

Rose

It could be that your hidding your true feelings because of your families beliefs. Maybe it's time to think what you would like out of life. There's nothing wrong with any kind of relationship you may pick. But your the one that has to figure it out.

Angel