Should I help

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2004
Should I help
10
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 12:46pm


I know this has nothing to do with Lesbian Life. But I need you ladies advice about something!! I look at all of you ladies as my family and if you cannot ask for advice from family who can you ask?

Okay here it goes - I have a sister (she is the oldest of 5 children). I'll call her D*. Well D* really has a problem. He steals things like crazy. She doesn't have a drug problem (at least I don't think she does). She got caught stealing about a year and a half ago (at the mall - about $150.00 worth of stuff). She went to court and judge was someone my mother knew. So he let her off pretty easy (she paid court cost - cost of the things she toke - a fine - and had to do 100 hours community service). She didn't do the community service because a friend of mine is head of a fire station and he just marked she did her community service for the station. It toke her forever to pay the money she had to. The judge told her he never wanted to see her face in that court room again.

Well about two months ago she was really late coming home from work. She came into the house about 3-4 hours late. She came into the kitchen and ask why nobody and called to see where she was. So I asked her why she was late coming home. She said after work she went to the store. She was caught stealing ($24.00 worth of stuff). I don't understand it she had the money in her pocket!!! She had got paid the day before.

She said the police took her down to the station and put her in a cell. They asked her who she was giving her supplies to. That if she told them they would make easier on her down the line. They let her leave after she was in the cell for about 2 hours.

About three weeks later she gets a certified letter in the mail. The letter stated what she was being charged with. They had the charge for the stuff totaling $24.00. Then SUPRISE!!! She is being charged with two more things. They have been taping her stealing! They have her on video stealing over $1000.00 worth of stuff (between 2 different trips to the store). The letter said the tapes were sent out to be analysis and they are confidant that it is her.

She is geting ready to go to court on 7/11/05.

My Questions - She has her daughter now (got her back from her father about 3 months ago). If she gets into really bad trouble (don't know what kind of trouble she is in right now) do I keep her daughter? Do I send her daughter back to her father's? (daughter doesn't want to live with father) They never went to court for anything so what do I do if her father comes for her? Should I start to save money in case she needs to post bail? She hasn't even contacted a lawyer yet and the date is approaching very quickly! She's acting like nothing is even wrong! I didn't even do anything wrong and I'm stressing over this. Should I try and make her get a lawyer??

I don't understand it - I could never steal anything. I work my butt of to get what I need and what I want!!

Is there anybody into law - does anybody have a idea of what she is looking at? Even though it's not me that's getting in trouble for doing wrong the effect of this will be hard for everybody in our household.

Since she's not worried about this - Should I worry about it? I guess it's true what they say about me (I'm a mother hen that wants to keep everyone safe and sound).

Sorry this was long!! But if you have any advice please post them to me!!

Angel

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2005
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 1:06pm

Hi Angel.


This is a pretty serious issue IMHO. Apparently she got off easily the first time, which I am assuming is the reason for her nonchalant attitude about everything. If it were not for her dd, I would honestly say let the court system deal with her, and if she gets a judge that does not know her, maybe then she'll realize the trouble she could be facing. She already has one case of theft on her record, so the consequenses this time will be more drastic.


She obviously has a problem - one that could possibly be helped with therapy. But if she is unwilling to recognize her need for legal help, she probably will not seek clinical help either.


The only thing I can think is to look up

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 1:44pm

Angel,

Since that was the area I just left, I have some points to make to you. I have filmed people stealing and it always amazes me at how nonchalant they are. Don't bail your sister out! When people are given a break, they continue to act out for one reason or another. She needs to learn consequences even if she presumably is an adult. Problem is she got away with it too many times for it to weigh heavy on her mind! Eventually, thief's do get caught. In her case I believe it will be a felony if the tapes accurately reflect what she stole. Another issue is the plea bargaining....she might be able to pay back and settle out of court. I never like this part because, she doesn't feel the true consequences of her actions. Let her stay in jail....many people when they get out are so embarrassed that they do straighten out. Others well, god help them!

She might be sent to a women's detention center, where a friend of mine works, and receive the discipline that she needs to learn how to control herself. That really is what she needs.

As far as caring for the children...did she care about them? Is he going to pay child support? I would let him have the children until she gets out! That is going to be one great financial challenge for you to take on yourself. One that will probably bury you for the rest of your life. I don't foresee her paying you back! Do you?

If the father can't get them then they will go to foster care....at that point you might be able to work out some kind of an arrangement with the social services. I'm not sure if that is possible, but, check out all your options before you commit! You have some hard decisions to make for yourself, be careful....don't forget your own medical issues, stress can deter you from healing properly. Remember, children are like Tiggers they bounce back......I know a ton of people that come from the worst circumstances and make out successfully in life. Just make sure you know that the father is not abusive, or report him immediately so the children are placed where they are treated properly.

hugs
halo

hugs

halo

Avatar for tookie12
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 2:27pm

"My Questions - She has her daughter now (got her back from her father about 3 months ago). If she gets into really bad trouble (don't know what kind of trouble she is in right now) do I keep her daughter? Do I send her daughter back to her father's? (daughter doesn't want to live with father) They never went to court for anything so what do I do if her father comes for her"

As well meaning as you are you have no legal right to take the children should she go to jail and you could conceivably end up as her cell mate.
IF she goes to jail and IF the child doesnt want to go the father and IF you are willing to take on that resposibity you would need your sister and the Father to sign over temporary custody so that you can seek mediacal care etc should you need to. I am only speaking long term here...if she gets one of those weekend jail stints then it is a different matter.

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my blog....where i scoop the poop

htt

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2005
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 2:39pm

I agree here with Tookie, Angel.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 7:27pm
Oh My! Angel!~~ Thats so sad.. You have so much to worry about already.. I would take the advice from the other posters about being careful, but I would definately if she ends up doing a

 C  >^. A .

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Fri, 07-01-2005 - 3:43am

With so much good advice already having been offered, I'm just sending *hugs*. Hope your sis gets her act together soon ~


Nony

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
Fri, 07-01-2005 - 9:31am
Hi angel,
I completely agree with what sadie posted.
Some people have a problem and do this for the sport of it. Not because they do not have the money.
Yes, it does affect the whole family. Just like a person with drug or alcohol problems affects the whole family.
I always believe that letting a person off easy is to enable them to keep going until they have to really suffer the true consequences of their actions. However, if this is an illness and it can be, then therapy would be the best approach.
As for her daughter. That should be a family decision i would think. Only volunteer to take her in if you are able financially and time management wise. Or it might just cause more problems, and stress on you and your niece.
Keep us posted on this and or just feel free to come here and vent to your cyber family.
Maybe the Serenity prayer would help.
Hugs, Laurie Check out my new blog. co-cl of Lesbian Life Message Board Email- didoangst@comcast.net http://didoangst.blogspot.com/ http://www.4-lesbianlife.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2004
Fri, 07-01-2005 - 11:40am


The child already lives with me (her mom lives with me). The reason my sister got her back is a long story. My sister lived with her dad for 10 years. They broke up (he threw her out of their house)so she did not have a place to stay. So she moved in with my mom for a while. One day (the day of my grandmothers funeral)her daughter fixed out and said she wasn't going back to her dad (she was screaming and yelling and fighting in the church while grandmother was being taken out). He dad got mad and started to threaten my sister and the child. I got the father away from them and walked him to his car trying to smooth things out. I promised to bring her to him that evening if he would let her stay with her mom for a couple of hours. He agreed and I had her back that evening. Early the next morning he came driving up to my moms house told his daughter to get out of the car. The he threw all her belongings on the sidewalk and drove away.

I don't know what was really going on in the child's head - the fathers head - the mothers head!

If I have to I will go to the courts and request temp. cust. of her.

Angel

Avatar for tookie12
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 07-01-2005 - 12:33pm

"If I have to I will go to the courts and request temp. cust. of her."

That is all I am suggesting.....doing it legally.....sounds like the child would be better off with you

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my blog....where i scoop the poop

htt

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2005
Fri, 07-01-2005 - 1:12pm

What a mess, Angel! You are a saint for keeping your niece's best interests at heart. How old is she?


Hugs,