just another girl in the closet
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| Thu, 06-30-2005 - 9:47pm |
This is my rant so that perhaps I may be able to breath again this week. I hide here. Showing up once in a while when i need to some how attach myself with women of common thought, never really posting. im happily married to a man but only attacted sexualy to other females.....whatever thats called..lol my husband knows...he knows everything about me. he can even tell when im about to crawl out of my skin because of this life i chose to live. I guess I find some common ground with you ladies...but at the same time a huge difference.
By choice i live as a straight woman. Not by choice I only want to have sex with women. I dunno maybe some of you feel the same. I'm not ashamed of it....it just doesnt fit with what i want in my life....dont try to understand this too hard....its complicated. So my decision is to keep these desires under raps so to speak.....yeah i know just another girl in the closet ur thinking. But desires like this wont be held under. Even though i can talk to some people about this it still binds me. I chose to surpress this desire but i cannot and once in a while it consumes me whole. Like i cant breath or think
just my thoughts
sav

Your welcome to jump in any time you feel amongst us.. You may have seen from reading we are a
C >^. A .
Savannah,
I was there for 12 1/2 years. I totally understand where you are! No problem venting here, these are great women. As far as being in the closet, my wish is that you can find a way to control those feelings and desires, so that you can achieve the life style you are choosing to lead. Unfortunately, I don't think the desire will ever go away. Unless of course you run into some religious fanatic who believe's they can perform an exorcism on you and it will magically go away! Not! Been there, done that! lol
Seriously, vent here all you want when the going gets tough. Maybe it will help you release some of those pent up feelings and it won't seem so bad.
hugs
halo
hugs
halo
Hi sav and welcome!
As someone else said, many of us have "been there", as have I. I totally respect your decision to live as a straight woman, and believe me I know about the crawling-out-of-your-skin feeling!
I am glad you finally decided to un-lurk, and
Welcome to the board, and I hope you always feel free to come out of lurkdom and post.
I don't know is I have the advice you need.
This sounds to me like a very difficult situation. It sounds like you have made a choice to live the straight life for obvious reason's,
I have so many questions for you.
You say your husband knows. Does he mind? Are you in love with him? Does he feel that this is fair to him that he only gets to have a part of you?
Does this mean that he allows you to have sex with women?
If so, how does it affect the relationship between you and your husband?
Could you be bi-sexual? Are you living a straight life because it is the right thing to do?
I could go on. I hope you will be back and answer some of these questions. Maybe it would help if we new a little bit more about you. If you are not really looking for feedback, then please feel free to just vent. I hope it helps. Also have you been with women sexually or just thinking about it?
Laurie
co-cl of Lesbian Life Message Board
Email- didoangst@comcast.net
http://peppiedunbar.blogster.com/blogApp/?u=peppiedunbar&
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All ur posts are comforting. It gives me some sanity to talk to real people. Thanks.
Laurie i will answer all of ur questions
My husband knows..... he minds to some degree he doesn't think its all that fair, well lets face it...it's not. As you said he gets part of me....not so good for a marriage.
Yes im in love with him. Isnt that a funny idea im in love with this man..... but i would rather not have sex with any man. He is a great husband, actually a great guy.
As for letting me have sex with other women. I dont allow it, he supports that. Sometimes when i get really pent up about it and start crying nonstop he tries everything. He suggests sex with another woman, and eventhough i want it...it just wouldnt fix my problems.
It does effect our relationship....how could it not. Some times it adds tension, sometimes it makes one of both of us standoffish, and sometimes we live some what normal lives not giving it a second thought during the day. I will say one thing though, it has brought us together because i cant handle it alone and he has to take care of me. He cant make anything "better" but he comforts me and calms me down. (Long answers, sorry im long winded as they say.)
No im not bi-sexual...... i dont really care at all for men sexually....it took me a while to figure this out...after i was married obviously. We got married young....we were in love and silly i was 18 but i cant say i wouldnt do it all over again. the biggest drawback is that he didnt know it was going to be like this for him. who wants it to be an issue every time you make love. So no im not sexually attracted to men. I like men, they way they can be....take care of women, call most the shots, ect. I like marriage to a man, I dont see myself tolerating another woman day after day.....having an ongoing relationship i just wanna have sex with them.....hmmmmm i sound like such a slut right now. lol
I live the straight life because I think its the right thing to do. That was the grand prize question by the way....thats where all my anxieties stem from. I dont live the straight life becasue other people think its the right thing to do. Even if i were not married to my husband, i probably would play it straight. I really dont make it a practice to judge other people, and i dont care if they judge me....there just people...so its not that im scared of what other people might think, just my personal decision.
And the last answer, yes i have been with women sexually.
thanks
savannah
Hey there... I don't have any advice for you (seeing as I came here for advice myself LOL)...
yeah i agree its important to be comfotable with your self. Im not sure i will ever be really comfortable with this though. its funny how people think that we chose to be attracted to the same sex. i no more choose to be attracted to the same sex than i choose my hight or hair color. The internal struggle is what bothers me the most. Sometimes im so upset that these feeling can have such a bad effect on my marriage or mental state. I feel like i should be able to control them, but i try to no avail. Thank you for ur comfort.
savannah