I have a serious thing to reveal....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
I have a serious thing to reveal....
17
Mon, 07-04-2005 - 10:58pm


I have a serious thing to reveal....

Last night, I wanted to hurt myself. I called Crisis Intervention. Now, please, understand, that there are somethings going on, that goes beyond some things that no one has been able to get out of me.

I have been holding myself "hostage". I have been in my apartment for 4 solid weeks. I have only been out to go to church, and maybe go downstairs to get a soda, or get my mail.

I've been watching dvds, and video cassettes. I have to force myself to eat, but I really don't want to. I have been taking my meds, but I have to go back to my mental health clinic to get some more meds. I haven't been taking my meds correctly. Even though I'm not sleeping all day, but my sleeping is getting back to normal (whatever that means).

Anyway, the person on the other side of the phone has convinced me to do something else to take my mind off of hurting myself. I've also been thinking about going back to using drugs, and maybe drinking again. I went to chat, but I was very angry and sad, at the same time. I had to leave chat, because I just got fed up. I thought I would post a few things, and then get off of my computer. I haven't been socializing, I have no intention to. I have been "wrestling" with myself. The good side won. But the bad side is still waiting to come out. Sometimes I go through this, and fortunately, I didn't take it any farther than it had to go.

My apartment, every now and then gets messy, but if I'm interested I clean it up a bit.

The bad side, made the person on the other side of the phone, to not call the police, or have anyone from Crisis Intervention to come out and visit me. But the good side, told the person on the other side of the phone, where I lived. But I made the person promise to not call anyone. Well, now it has gotten down to one minutes at a time. At the moment, I feel ok. But I can't speak for the rest of the week.

Thank you for you're attention. Believe me this may or may not be a cry for attention or help. I just needed to say what I've been going through.

Thanks again.

 


Hugs,


Sebastian


 


http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Tue, 07-05-2005 - 4:01pm


Sir Raven looks at the scrolls left by the other Ladies and Knights of the Court, and smiles. But lays them on the aged table, and sits back on her throne, and stares at her crystal ball. She removes her dagger, and places it on her aged table on, the side of the scrolls that have been written lovingly to her.

"I humbly thank all of you, for being concerned about your friend Gigi. She loves all of you, and thanks you for lovingly giving suggestions that she will use when she climbs out of the dark cave that she has fallen into."

Sir Raven gets up, and goes back into her chambers and closes the door.

 


Hugs,


Sebastian


 


http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2001
Tue, 07-05-2005 - 5:46pm

{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}


~Ginny~ <-- Click to send me email

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2005
Tue, 07-05-2005 - 7:23pm
Hi gigi,
I saw your post at 6am this morning and had no clue what to write to you...didn't know until a few seconds ago.....I think depression is different for everyone???as a teenager I had it yet mostly it was hidden by anger....I threw things,punched walls....I never hurt anyone other then myself and now I would not hurt myself ,yet guess I still do when I punch walls,.....I guess we take out our frustrations in life differently....at 19 I was at the end of my rope....a girl said she never wanted to see me again(i look back and shake my head),a few years prior to that my best friend got life in prison for killing his father...I think everything came down on me in a few seconds....that day my mom and I argued,I was upset,I hung up on her...I called the hospital to admit myself and they said I couldn't without a doctor....told them I could get in and hung up on the nurse....I wouldn't answer the phone...I couldn't ,i was on the floor ....I was a mess......my parents came in,we went to a doctor at 6 at night after my parents calling to find one....the hospital did try calling me back several times.....my mom cried when I admitted myself....she came every day she could....as did friends and old teachers yet limited visiting hours so I got little company....alot of doctors say that admitting yourself is not the answer sometimes?yet I spent nine days avoiding group therapy and all I could....they did give me meds.....then after a while I came around and really learned somethings...after getting out I have lost friends as many of us thru yhe years....sometimes as many as two a year or more....to car accidents,one hung himself,one shot himself,one murdered over drugs??.....I hate these things yet they show me everyday how much of a gift life is and how much better it felt to finally feel good ......after all that time I never really had....yeah i still have issues who doesn't...one not my biggest but a large loss for my was my ex-girlfriend passing and remebering how she said she would never kill herself if only for her two beautiful daughters yet she did ....she wore her body out with drug use and well she killed herself basically......I have no true advice.....I just thought maybe sharing with you...letting you knwo there are others who have had depression and things that have effected them ....and made it....to see the light of day....maybe it gives you hope that you can overcome it as well.....I hope so....I can be reached if you ever want to talk on yahoo messenger or by email.....but rather then post it here I prefer you get it from sadie........I really hope that you find what works for you from meds to conseling.....to taking karate,whatever outlet you need to feel better .....we are all here for you ......J
Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 07-05-2005 - 9:27pm

Despite *really* wanting to full happy healthy life, I tend to torture myself sometimes too. Between social isolation, not eating until I *have* to, letting myself get dehydrated, sleeping in the day and staying up late at night, being really iffy and skippy with my meds... I don't know what my deal is or how to change it. It's really quite frustrating knowing that whatever this trigger is, once I get going on that track I just masochistically perpetuate it on myself. I can *mostly* keep it together but I've been having at least 2 horrible days a week and missing work etc.

Anyway I have no happy silver-lining advice for you, just wanted to offer another voice to let you know you're not alone. We can have our rough times but deep down know that it will get better again. :)

Avatar for mschiffven
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2003
Wed, 07-06-2005 - 4:01am

Hang in there, Gigi... its ok to feel the way you do, we dont expect you to be strong all the time but please remember that you can be strong- you have shown that you have it in you. You have been there for so many of us such a lot of the time - and I do realise that when it comes to dealing with me you probably feel like you are hitting your head against a brick wall- lol- but I DO appreciate your input and perspective.
I know I cant offer you a quick fix that will make everything all right in your world and I know I dont have to live in your shoes so I wont insult you by pretending to know what you are going through but I can tell you that I am here to listen (read?) if you want to talk and i DO care.

Hang in there buddy, take it one step at a time and dont be afraid to ask for help when you need it. I hope you sun shines a little brighter for you tomorrow.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
Thu, 07-07-2005 - 2:14pm
Hugs Gigi.

Kim
Check out my

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2004
Thu, 07-07-2005 - 6:41pm

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Gigi}}}}}}}}}}}}}}


I'm glad you chose to share with us... too often we have no idea of the things others wrestle with in their lives. You have been a part of this board's family, and the bunch of us obviously care about your well being. I know when things overwhelm it is hard to think about the larger picture, how others out here care, etc... but please try to remember that if need be. You obviously know the things you mention of turning to are in fact no friends of yours, they simply dull our pain, not deal with it. We... can do things drugs and alcohol cannot... support, love, care, talk...


Please be safe.

What's the use in regrets
They're just thing we haven't done yet
What are regrets?
They're just lessons we haven't learned yet


Pass In Time ~ Beth Orton

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