How to avoid drama brewing w/friends
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| Fri, 07-29-2005 - 6:26pm |
Hello all! I need some opinions/input on how to say something difficult to some friends. Long story short... I joined an online group last Fall and noticed from the membership list that there were several other couples in my area. My partner and I had recently relocated and I was feeling a lack of social activities so I posted a message that if anyone ever wanted to meet for dinner let me know. We started getting together for dinner mostly but also for other things such as comedy stuff and movies.
Fast forward to this Summer when someone in the group suggested we all go to a titty bar. My partner and I aren't into it so we declined. One member of the group began persistently badgering me about why we won't go. I politely said it wasn't our thing but hoped they had a good time. She said it wasn't about the dancers but about the whole group getting together and having a good time and that they don't have as good a time because we won't go. They went two more times and we still didn't go. At that point they started getting really weird about it including off-handed comments to the effect that we were party poopers, etc. One person IM'd me about it and we got into a discussion about why we don't go. I didn't feel that we owed them anymore explanation about it and I said I didn't understand why they keep having all this discussion about it. She blew up and said that they feel that my partner and I don't like anything......they feel that just getting together for dinner and drinks is boring...., whenever they invite us to do something fun we're not interested.... etc. etc. I felt that what she was saying was BS because in truth, out of the whole year, we'd been getting together about once every 6 weeks or less and the only things we'd declined was going with them to the titty bar and going downtown to the fireworks (because we live in Texas and it was literally 100 degrees outside!). More was said to the effect that my partner and I don't participate enough, etc. In my opinion, the whole episode was really about the titty bar and had nothing to do with declining anything else.
I discussed the whole thing with my partner and we're a little uncomfortable with this group now because of all of this crap. There are two other events pending that we'd previously agreed to go to.... both of which involve out of town events. If they're going to act so flaky over us "not liking anything they like" why the heck would we go ahead with going out of town with these people???? That might just be a disaster. My partner feels that we need to say something to them about what's going on. I don't like drama and I feel that saying something to them would be a waste of time because they wouldn't get it. Basically, my partner and I enjoy getting together with them for some activities, even ones which are not something we would otherwise do on our own because we try to be flexible. However, there are some things we're just not willing to compromise on for anyone. We also don't understand why they're making such a big deal of this issue and why it has clouded their judgement so that they can't appreciate how often we really do participate in things and try to enjoy the time we DO spend with them. I would also like to point out to them that there is some awkwardness about events because of the titty bar and fireworks thing and that we do enjoy the other activities that we participate in with them, but we'd like them to be a bit more understanding about differences in personality and realize that not every friend has to do and say exactly what you want to be considered friends, and that if we could come to some kind of mutual respect/understanding about all of this, we'd be more comfortable spending time with them. Does anyone have any input on whether or not I should say something.... how to say it - by email, chat, or in person.... what to say.... or to not bother at all and to just stop trying to participate in the group at all? I'd really appreciate some insight. We're standing our ground, but we kind of feel like the "cool girls at school" are attacking us because we won't do drugs with them, LOL. PLEASE HELP!
Thanks

Welcome to Lesbian Life saxqueen!
Wow, you do have your hands full with this bunch. How old are they? So far, all I've gotten from this post were the reasons you and your partner do not wish to participate in these activities (btw, I don't know what part of Texas you're in, but I'm in Houston and I stayed home on the 4th for the same reason).
I wish you the best of luck in your situation.
I'm having similar problems with friends who seemingly have miss placed their good judgements. My advice is to move on. Sounds like they are shallow and they definitely don't respect your space. I like to surround myself with quality friends and for the most part I have achieved that goal. Sometimes it's hard to see through the dust because of what we truly want to give and receive from a friendship and what were actually getting. I'm the type of person who is slow on the uptake because I don't look for bad things in people. However, in time they start to pop up like a zit you ignore on your face. Eventually, you can't deny that they are there. In my situation, I took hand and was honest about my feelings and everything backfired on me. It really is sad when people become so closed minded and self centered! Check out my poem on "what you will miss" in our writers nook. For me it puts things in perspective.
I wish you the best of luck in deciding what to do. BTW do all the people in that group feel the same way as the one who I'Med you? She might just be a bad bus driver, and the others are going along for the ride because they don't know any better.
hugs
halo
hugs
halo
They are late twenties and early thirties. My partner and I are 38 and 55 so I understand that age could play a huge factor in this equation. We didn't seek out these individuals to be "close" friends.... our intent was to have some social contact with other lesbians... not to form a "clique" or to bond. As for the vibe you have, my partner said pretty much the same thing. She said that sometimes when people don't have a clear knowledge of their own identity, they tend to want to surround themselves with others who act exactly like, dress exactly like, and think exactly like they do because they find it self-affirming. Well.... my partner and I are way beyond that stage and neither of us have a sheep or herd mentality. I can't help but feel like they're trying to form a "clique" within the group and they feel the need to have us "inside" of that rather than outside for some reason? Maybe perhaps they feel threatened by our individuality and tendency to go against the rest of the group? That was my theory about why they insist we all have to participate in the same event. I agree with you that their answer is a very flimsy excuse. I still just don't understand though why they seem to want this all or nothing type dynamic in the group. I like your suggestion that we use the next event as an opportunity to discuss this and clear the air. It would be the perfect opportunity since most of us will be gathered there together over the weekend. I am trying to hold my tongue until then because as I said.... two of them keep making insinuations and comments that I'm growing impatient with and the first of the out of town events isn't until November and I don't know if I can hold my tongue until then. Hope this post provides the additonal information you were looking for. Your suggestions have been helpful.
Ya know halo, some little voice inside me IS telling me to move-on and another part of me wants to give people a fair opportunity before I write them off. I am also influenced by issues with my family wherein I tried to be honest and tell people how I felt about how they'd treated me badly. As you said, it backfired right in my face and that's my fear with this situation.
I too kind of feel that they are coming off as being a little superficial and that perhaps I shouldn't invest anymore of my time in them. However, there's that bleeding heart part of me who wonders if it's par for the course for their age group (28-33) and that they will later learn to deal with diverse groups of people as I have come to. I don't necessarily like everything about every friend I have, but why do I want to surround myself with people who are JUST like me??? And I celebrate and enjoy those parts of their personality that I enjoy and I treasure my time with them. I have learned to cut people a little slack and appreciate whatever positive they bring to my life and our relationship. To answer your earlier question, so far two different people have made comments to me and you know how you're with a group of people and some of them suddenly can't look you in the eye??? That kind of gave me the feeling that we'd been "discussed".
Thanks for sharing your opinion, it helps to have someone else's insight.
C >^. A .
Hello saxqueentx, I've read your post and you've gotten some good suggestions. I would like to say welcome, and I hope that you can stay around, and have some fun and get to know us.
Hugs,
Sebastian
http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce
If you don't want to go then don't go. Don't let people make you feel so kind of way, because of what you both feel. Everything isn't for everybody. And that's what makes us all special in our own little ways. If they don't let it drop then drop them. They shouldn't make you feel uncomfortable at all.
Angel