Well Here goes.. :(
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| Tue, 08-09-2005 - 11:38pm |
Thank you everyone for trying hard at helping me with last night.. I did get to talk to Laurie today..
Nobody be offended please that I didn't call any one else.. I figured her because she and Sheila have been through some relationships hurts and possibly they could tell me something to say or do....I may need more oof you to call.. Do understand I may please..
Here how all these wonderful bestest friend love things can go.. All you that are single and pine-ing for love.. Be glad your not feeling what my heart has been since yesterday..
This is how it goes to make it short as I can..
My ~S~ has been last few weeks acting different.. All the typical signs to me at least.. Typical signs that makes someone thats been there before start to get insecure especially when it's happened in similar ways..What is it about me that makes people do me like this? 8 years together...
Well I have been talking to her everynight for her breaks and lunch.. But things changed.. Our closeness started to be labeled "Smothering".. I was of course hurt and *intuitive..
Well Last night she got angry with me and all heck broke out (on phone).. I was a

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I am still clueless on how things change between people and why
clueless on how we can keep people in love....
all i know is you can call me or whatever and I'll listen but I know to well how you want to spill to a friend...then think what's the use...
or just can't pick up the phone,.....
not in the mood to talk about it again,or think about it again....I will think of you today and hope that well you see the light at the end of the tunnel and everything works for you......got to go (lunch break) but I am sorry......very sorry cat....I hope things get better for you.....and I hope -S- remebers how special you are and the bond she has with you.....Jo
I have been on both sides of this fence.
~ S ~ needs to get honest with herself. It is a very hard thing to do when you know that you will not like what you will see in yourself.
There are affairs/cheating where people actually physically get together, and then there are affairs of the heart. I know it is not easy to just turn off your feelings and shut down one side and still have the other side open.
I also know the high and all that goes with that knew feeling for someone. Everyone here has experienced it.
However, like Sheila has pointed out to me... we have been in other relationships and the new feelings wear off over time and things settle down to wear you can actually go about your business without obsessing about the other person. If that did not happen we would never be able to live a normal life.
So, if ~ S ~ thinks she found something new it will only be new for awhile and then what? Keep moving on to new partners for the newness feelings?
The bonds come after that. The bonds of loving and cherishing each other and letting each other grow, supporting each other and caring for each other. The hard times, sad times, and good times that you have experienced with each other, the future plans you have made with each other and the friendship you have built through it all. These are the bonds that you build the longer you are together. They form the relationship. They are the bonds that make your love grow deeper for each other and more meaningful than the infatuation feelings and the highs of the new relationship.
She just needs to decide who she wants to spen those times with. Or she will just keep having those fleeting newness relationships that never evolve into something deeper.
You need to remind her that you are not smothering her, rather she has broken your trust and must gain it back. She has given you a reason to want answers and know where she is or who she is talking too.
Sheila goes through my e-mails and first thing she does when she comes home is to check the caller ID to see who has called and how many times. I have brought that on myself and I feel bad that I have caused her the worry and mistrust to have to go through that.
She lurks on the board and reads my blog and calls me all the time from work and on her way to and from work.
Is she smothering me? No, she is looking out for herself and still trying to find her way back to trusting me. It is getting better. She say's she believes I will not leave her or cheat on her. We don't fight we talk about it. We have agreed that we will not fight about it but we will talk about it when we need to. And we do. The thing for ~S~ is to not minimize what is going on. Guilt is not an excuse and neither is telling herself she is not telling you because she does not want to hurt you. You have a right to have the answers you want, even if it means you might leave her. She wants her cake and to eat it too right now. I am being brutaly honest. I do know you can get through it too. That will be an even deeper bond because this is the scariest, and most hurtful thing you can go through in a relationship. If you stay together through this you will know that you can get through anything.
I went through this with her a few years ago. I even stooped to spying on her at work. (Turns out there was not another person, but she was having a hard time dealing with some changes in me since I started going to counseling.)
I trust her now. I only hope she will one day trust me. We have made a promise to each other that if there is an attraction to someone else we will discuss it with each other right away. We will not ever physically cheat, one reason for that is out of respect for the other person and because of all the deseases out there it would be devastating and not worth getting or passing that to one another. The partner has the right to know if they are being put at risk.
I never thought this could ever happen to us. If anyone would have said 5 years ago, you might have other attractions in your relationship I would have said it was not possible.
I have talked to my mom about it. She say's it sometimes happens, but you don't have to entertain it or act on it.
Always ask yourself if it is worth it, because that new feeling will wear off with the next person too someday.
My sister almost had an affair because my brother in law cheated on her once. They have since worked through it.
Ask her if you and the last 8 years of what you have made together is worth throwing away over a newness feeling that will one day wear off too. Or might only turn out to be a fling for the other person instead of the loving, caring bonds that the two of you have.
And also I am still willing to talk to ~S~ if she wants too.
Do not let her get away with picking fights when you want to talk about this, this is her way of justifying that things are not good between the two of you and she deserves to spend time talking to or flirting with or entertaining thoughts of the other person. It is totally bull crap!
Let her know that you will not stand for that.
You know you can always call me cat.
I hope ~S~ snaps out of it soon.
Laurie
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CAT- Reading your post just hit home for me. I'm sooo sorry about the happening going on in your life right now. I'm going to send prayers for you (one for strength, one for understanding, and one for happiness).
I hope you feel better soon! (((CAT)))
Angel
well ....now that I have some time...I have to say laurie kodos..to you for sticking it out...we all makes mistakes but at least you can admit to it....my most recent ex was fooling around and well I know it,I have proof yet she would still deny it to me today....I wanted to try and work it out,she didn't.,..really no one that has cheated on me has.....no one wanted to earn back trust or talk it out,no one cared enough to deal with my feelings afterwards....
and cat i still am at a loss ,thought of it all afternoon and well really this is your life...no one can tell you what to do or feel.....and I don't think anyone here would try....we all support you in whatever you do....you can reach me day or night if you need to ...I am sorry...i hope things do work out for you and well you can get things cleared up....i have been where you are,but I was not with anyone for 9 years so really I haven't.....my prayers are with you right now.....(((hugs))),Jo
I'm SO sorry this is happening to you, Cat!
Honesty is so important to me--that's what would hurt the most about this for me, not the attraction. But in the past, cheating has been a deal-breaker for me. I don't know how I would handle it if the person admitted it and was honest, and willing to help build back trust.
Anyway, you have had some wonderful advice here about reminding her of what she will lose, not accepting her attempts to blame you, etc! I agree with all of that.
I hope somehow the situation gets better!
Jeanine
Oh "kitty cat"..... Soooo many times you've listened to the struggles Sandy and I have had and we want you to know we feel SOOOOO badly you are having to deal with this and we send BIG HUGS your way!!
"Shhhh!! We are going to try and sneak up on her and give her another hug..." -a member of the hug patrol
Gotcha!
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((CAT))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Love ya kid!
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