Things Not Looking Good For Me

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
Things Not Looking Good For Me
43
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 12:08am
After Sheila and I talked about what Cat and ~S~ Have been going through I said, well at least cat has good intuition. I guess mine has been off for three years. Which is how long we have not had sex, Sheila and I. I told her I will ask her one more time what is wrong and this time I expect the truth too.
She kept twisting and pulling her ring off and finally admitted she has not been physically attracted to me since I have been putting on weight. The most of it in the last 2 years.
She swears she is still in love with me and there is no room in her heart for anyone else.
So, this afternoon we go to my doctor's appt. and find out I have a large tumor on my thyroid and a large lymph tissue growing around my neck. (I have thought it was just fat from gaining weight. My thyroid is very low to nothing. The tumor must have been growing a long time and not detected because it is hard to detect while it is behind bone and tissue.
My blood sugar is way out of control possibly due to the thyroid. This is probably why I am so tired and have gained and cannot seem to lose weight.
Half of me was relieved to hear it and for Sheila to hear that I am not just a fat, lazy person.
I also have been running a low fever between 99.5 and 100 degrees for months. I am also very dehydrated.
I have to go back for a biopsy of course.
So finally after 3 years of feeling like I am a no good ugly person, I have some answers, all in one day. And not the answers I wanted to hear, but answers that can possibly fix the misery I have been living with for the past three years. Feeling sick, emotional, unwanted and unattractive and just so miserable. I am very happy to have finally found some answers.
I can only hope Sheila will be able to be attracted to me again someday. She told me that a woman she works with lost 50 pounds after going on thyroid meds and hopes I will get to go on them.
Very comforting. I am hoping the biopsy is going to be fine for the lymph thing and the thyroid. I know most biopsies do come back benign and I will try to keep a positive attitude about it.
We still do love each other very much. We plan to work on this. I hope this will be the answer to my weight gain. I have been blaming my drugs.
Cat, please call, I am not sure that the tape recorder is a good idea. I know I gave you the idea and I do not want you to wreck anymore trust between the two of you. Hey at least you learned how to fix the recorder and use it for recording your feelings.
But wow! Where there is a will there is a way, you were so determined and fixed the darn thing!
Very bizzar for her to make up a story like that if indeed she did make it up. I think she wants to stay with you or she would tell you she is not sure what she wants.
Please understand I am not justifying these affairs of the heart. I just know they do not always have to mean the end of a relationship or that a person fall out of love with their partner.
Odd that both of our relationship started at the same time 8 years ago and having the same trouble now. I hope both of our relationships can withstand this turn they have taken.
I hope that someone who has been in a longer relationship can tell us of their experience.
I like to hear success stories and I hope that cat you and I will be a success story too.
I hope spy night goes well and gives you nothing to worry about. Please do not get caugt with the tape. I am thinking it is a bad idea.
I wish I was a better person. I wish I could take all the bad and wrong things I have done back. Not sure I can ever make up for them, but I will die trying and hopefully not to soon. lol.
Hugs,
Laurie
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2001
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 12:17am

{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}


~Ginny~ <-- Click to send me email

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2005
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 12:20am

Keep trying....never give up.


Many hugs ((((laurie))))


Lea

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 1:58am


Well Laurie, I'm glad that finally know what's wrong, and I hope that it's taken care of and things will get better for you healthwise and everything elsewise.

Hugs!

 


Hugs,


Sebastian


 


http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 2:33am
Thanks gigi,
I sure hope this is all the problems and will be the resolution to my health issues.
Sheila and I are going to be ok. We are very sure of that.
We have a very strong communication and respect for each other. And a love that cannot be taken away. That is for sure.
Hugs,
Laurie
Check out my new blog.
co-cl of Lesbian Life Message Board
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Hugs, Laurie Check out my new blog. co-cl of Lesbian Life Message Board Email- didoangst@comcast.net http://didoangst.blogspot.com/ http://www.4-lesbianlife.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2003
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 5:32am

Flip Laurie! What a day you've had! I bet your head is scrambled, hon.


Thank goodness you now have a diagnosis re. the thyroid, Laurie. My sister has an underactive thyroid also...dangerously low when she's not on her meds. Before diagnosis, she too had terrible weight problems, incredible fatigue etc. But she's doing great now that she's on meds. It seems to be a genetic thing, you know? Passed on usually down your maternal line. My grandmother actually had her thyroid removed way back in the days before they had the drugs to treat

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 10:25am
Hi loubie and nony,
Yes, it is good to know the truth. I have known it and kept asking her to tell me the truth but she was so afraid of hurting me. I have been so down on myself for my weight issues.
I am so relieved to have found the answers medically too. Now maybe I can get to feeling better.
My Mom had thyroid cancer about 20 years ago. She had part of her thyroid removed, then it came back and they removed more. She has had no more signs of cancer in 20 years.
I am hoping it is not the "C" word. I am worried though because we have elliminated cyst and goider. And because it is also affecting the lymph node/gland in my neck. That is the first place it usually spreads to as one of the cancers. The doctor was very upfront with me. I like that too. Yet, it is a bit scary until I have a good report from the biopsy. I know most time these biopsies come back as benign, so I keep telling myself it will be ok, then suddenly I get slammed with this gloom and doom feeling. She also said that the growth on my overy/uterus is another place it can spread if it is a particular cancer and that I need to follow up with that. I also have a small nodule on the gland that sits at the bottom of the brain, this is all inclusive of the endocrine system. Including the lymphatic system.
I am really trying not to worry now, because it could all be benign. I will be very relieved once the biopsy is back and I have a good report. I also know that cancer, if that is what it is, is not a death sentence anymore, and many people survive thyroid cancer. I hope that is not what it is, but we seem to be elliminating all else.
As for Sheila, I can understand her not being attracted to me as before. I have gained weight, and become so tired and sick over the last three years.
I believe that Sheila and I will be ok. We both believe that. It has been a frustrating 3 years for both of us.
I believe you know what I mean. I remember you, I think it was, going through so much before your surgery.
Thank you for always being there with such supportive words and advice.
It is always so good to hear from you,
Hugs,
Laurie
Check out my new blog.
co-cl of Lesbian Life Message Board
Email- didoangst@comcast.net
http://didoangst.blogspot.com/
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html
Hugs, Laurie Check out my new blog. co-cl of Lesbian Life Message Board Email- didoangst@comcast.net http://didoangst.blogspot.com/ http://www.4-lesbianlife.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2005
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 10:40am

(((((((((Laurie)))))))))


You've really been hit hard this week. I'm so sorry. But, at least you are finally getting some answers. Hope you can work toward making some decisions now that will bring you peace. I really admire your and Sheila's efforts to work things out.


Keeping my fingers and toes crossed on your biopsy results.


Hugs,


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 11:15am
Thanks ting. Yes, I have such mixed emotions going on inside. A huge sense of relief on the one hand and a bit of a scare on the other. If the biopsy turns out good then I know things will be looking up. The doctor said I have a 50/50 chance of it being cancer since my Mom had it. I just need to get through this waiting period which is scary until I find out exactly what all this is and will mean. I want to feel good again physically.
Sheila and I are are true soul mates. We knew we were meant to be together right from the start. We will make it through all of this. I feel she loves me and I love her. We have had a rough three years but never havestopped loving each other. I know we will make it.
I hope that cat and ~S~ get through it too. Those two got together the same time Sheila and I did. We have been through some of the same things in our relationships at the same times.
I want them to work this out with all of my heart!
Hugs,
Laurie
Check out my new blog.
co-cl of Lesbian Life Message Board
Email- didoangst@comcast.net
http://didoangst.blogspot.com/
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html
Hugs, Laurie Check out my new blog. co-cl of Lesbian Life Message Board Email- didoangst@comcast.net http://didoangst.blogspot.com/ http://www.4-lesbianlife.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2004
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 11:50am

((((((( Laurie & Sheila ))))))


I know the relief of knowing the truth, I also have faith that you and Sheila will be fine. You two have a love that goes deep.


When will the biopsies be in ? Please let us know. I'm lighting a white candle for you everynight for positive life vibes.


Huge tight hugs & love,


Robin

 **Please remember to sign your organ donor card...it can save someone's life**   

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2005
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 5:47pm

((((((((Laurie)))))))))

*the hug patrol is out in full force

rj

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