Things Not Looking Good For Me

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
Things Not Looking Good For Me
43
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 12:08am
After Sheila and I talked about what Cat and ~S~ Have been going through I said, well at least cat has good intuition. I guess mine has been off for three years. Which is how long we have not had sex, Sheila and I. I told her I will ask her one more time what is wrong and this time I expect the truth too.
She kept twisting and pulling her ring off and finally admitted she has not been physically attracted to me since I have been putting on weight. The most of it in the last 2 years.
She swears she is still in love with me and there is no room in her heart for anyone else.
So, this afternoon we go to my doctor's appt. and find out I have a large tumor on my thyroid and a large lymph tissue growing around my neck. (I have thought it was just fat from gaining weight. My thyroid is very low to nothing. The tumor must have been growing a long time and not detected because it is hard to detect while it is behind bone and tissue.
My blood sugar is way out of control possibly due to the thyroid. This is probably why I am so tired and have gained and cannot seem to lose weight.
Half of me was relieved to hear it and for Sheila to hear that I am not just a fat, lazy person.
I also have been running a low fever between 99.5 and 100 degrees for months. I am also very dehydrated.
I have to go back for a biopsy of course.
So finally after 3 years of feeling like I am a no good ugly person, I have some answers, all in one day. And not the answers I wanted to hear, but answers that can possibly fix the misery I have been living with for the past three years. Feeling sick, emotional, unwanted and unattractive and just so miserable. I am very happy to have finally found some answers.
I can only hope Sheila will be able to be attracted to me again someday. She told me that a woman she works with lost 50 pounds after going on thyroid meds and hopes I will get to go on them.
Very comforting. I am hoping the biopsy is going to be fine for the lymph thing and the thyroid. I know most biopsies do come back benign and I will try to keep a positive attitude about it.
We still do love each other very much. We plan to work on this. I hope this will be the answer to my weight gain. I have been blaming my drugs.
Cat, please call, I am not sure that the tape recorder is a good idea. I know I gave you the idea and I do not want you to wreck anymore trust between the two of you. Hey at least you learned how to fix the recorder and use it for recording your feelings.
But wow! Where there is a will there is a way, you were so determined and fixed the darn thing!
Very bizzar for her to make up a story like that if indeed she did make it up. I think she wants to stay with you or she would tell you she is not sure what she wants.
Please understand I am not justifying these affairs of the heart. I just know they do not always have to mean the end of a relationship or that a person fall out of love with their partner.
Odd that both of our relationship started at the same time 8 years ago and having the same trouble now. I hope both of our relationships can withstand this turn they have taken.
I hope that someone who has been in a longer relationship can tell us of their experience.
I like to hear success stories and I hope that cat you and I will be a success story too.
I hope spy night goes well and gives you nothing to worry about. Please do not get caugt with the tape. I am thinking it is a bad idea.
I wish I was a better person. I wish I could take all the bad and wrong things I have done back. Not sure I can ever make up for them, but I will die trying and hopefully not to soon. lol.
Hugs,
Laurie
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 6:21pm
Thank you. I hope this will be the resolution I need.
Hugs,
Laurie
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 6:29pm
They are supposed to call or send me an appointment for the I think it is called a Radioactive Uptake Scan and a biopsy.
After that I am sure they make you wait just long enough to worry yourself insane so that if they have bad news it won't affect you to much more than it already has. Lol.
Hugs,
Laurie
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 9:26pm

((((((((((((((Laurie))))))))))))) As I already talked with you about all this


 C  >^. A .

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2003
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 9:26pm

Hi Laurie,


Even though you have lots of knowledge regarding your thyroid issues,

IVHealth Ruth Ann
Community Leader/Ask the Health Librarian

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
Fri, 08-12-2005 - 1:10am
Thank you ruthann,
I will certainly take your advice. My partner and I have been looking things up too. I will go to the links you posted.
Hugs,
Laurie
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Fri, 08-12-2005 - 1:18am
Laurie,
I am so sorry to hear so much bad news. I feel just terrible for you. I am glad you are getting the medical attention you need and will keep you in my prayers.
I am sorry I can't offer more than that I worked 8am till 11 pm and have to be back at work at 8 am and do it again tomorrow. I will check on you again saturday.
Love, and hugs, Sandra

Sandr

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
Fri, 08-12-2005 - 2:09am

What?! You mean you aren't on your way here to take care of me?! I thought you would be here by now! LOL!
Self, self, self. Lol.
I do hope you know I am just playing with you here.
Thank you for the support. You really do not owe me anything my friend. Get some rest.
Sheila and I are doing very well, I hope everyone knows that now that she has addmitted the truth we can do something aboput it, especially since I really do have a medical condition and the doctor explained it all to us because we told her it was an issue in our relationship. She assured us that once we get my thyroid and diabetes under control I should be able to lose the weight and she will be there to monitor it because I have to lose it for my diabetes.
I just cannot weight to feel good again and feel attractive to Sheila again. It has been a long frustrating 3 years, but finally some answers.
Hugs,
Laurie
Check out my new blog.
co-cl of Lesbian Life Message Board
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
Fri, 08-12-2005 - 4:07am
Hi cat,
Hugs. I think I said everything on the phone. I know you and ~S~ can work through this.
As per my brief talk with ~S~, I do believe she wants only you. Not just what she said or how she said it, but what I heard in her voice too.
Relationships will never last if both parties are not willing to work through the bad parts and not throw them back up into each other's faces later as ammo in a different situation.
I know you both love each other enough to make it. Now there comes a time when you have to quit punishing yourselves and each other and say it is time to move on to the next phase of fixing what is broken instead of worrying yourselves sick over each other's every move or conversations.
In 2 more years we will both be celebrating our 10 year anniversaries!
Put all the negative energy into making your home your oasis not your battle ground.
Whatever she did she knows it was wrong and she is not wanting to lose you over it.
She knows you are more important and your life together is more important than whatever it is she was up to. She knows she could have lost you over this and she is making her decision to keep her life with you.
You both know it is not worth losing everything you have over this. You have way to much to lose. More good times than bad. More happy times than sad.
I really think you can stop worrying yourself so sick over this. I hope you can get some rest. Take those meds as prescribed by the doctor and know that your ~S~ is still all yours.
Hugs,
Laurie
Check out my new blog.
co-cl of Lesbian Life Message Board
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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2005
Fri, 08-12-2005 - 6:03am
Laurie....I wish you the best and send you great thoughts and hugs,it's such a small gesture yet all I can do for you....I hope things work out...(((HUGS)))Jo
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
Fri, 08-12-2005 - 11:41am
Awwww thank you jo. Hugs are always good.
Hugs,
Laurie
Check out my new blog.
co-cl of Lesbian Life Message Board
Email- didoangst@comcast.net
http://didoangst.blogspot.com/
http://homepage.mac.com/lauriedav/PhotoAlbum1.html
Hugs, Laurie Check out my new blog. co-cl of Lesbian Life Message Board Email- didoangst@comcast.net http://didoangst.blogspot.com/ http://www.4-lesbianlife.com/