Things Not Looking Good For Me

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
Things Not Looking Good For Me
43
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 12:08am
After Sheila and I talked about what Cat and ~S~ Have been going through I said, well at least cat has good intuition. I guess mine has been off for three years. Which is how long we have not had sex, Sheila and I. I told her I will ask her one more time what is wrong and this time I expect the truth too.
She kept twisting and pulling her ring off and finally admitted she has not been physically attracted to me since I have been putting on weight. The most of it in the last 2 years.
She swears she is still in love with me and there is no room in her heart for anyone else.
So, this afternoon we go to my doctor's appt. and find out I have a large tumor on my thyroid and a large lymph tissue growing around my neck. (I have thought it was just fat from gaining weight. My thyroid is very low to nothing. The tumor must have been growing a long time and not detected because it is hard to detect while it is behind bone and tissue.
My blood sugar is way out of control possibly due to the thyroid. This is probably why I am so tired and have gained and cannot seem to lose weight.
Half of me was relieved to hear it and for Sheila to hear that I am not just a fat, lazy person.
I also have been running a low fever between 99.5 and 100 degrees for months. I am also very dehydrated.
I have to go back for a biopsy of course.
So finally after 3 years of feeling like I am a no good ugly person, I have some answers, all in one day. And not the answers I wanted to hear, but answers that can possibly fix the misery I have been living with for the past three years. Feeling sick, emotional, unwanted and unattractive and just so miserable. I am very happy to have finally found some answers.
I can only hope Sheila will be able to be attracted to me again someday. She told me that a woman she works with lost 50 pounds after going on thyroid meds and hopes I will get to go on them.
Very comforting. I am hoping the biopsy is going to be fine for the lymph thing and the thyroid. I know most biopsies do come back benign and I will try to keep a positive attitude about it.
We still do love each other very much. We plan to work on this. I hope this will be the answer to my weight gain. I have been blaming my drugs.
Cat, please call, I am not sure that the tape recorder is a good idea. I know I gave you the idea and I do not want you to wreck anymore trust between the two of you. Hey at least you learned how to fix the recorder and use it for recording your feelings.
But wow! Where there is a will there is a way, you were so determined and fixed the darn thing!
Very bizzar for her to make up a story like that if indeed she did make it up. I think she wants to stay with you or she would tell you she is not sure what she wants.
Please understand I am not justifying these affairs of the heart. I just know they do not always have to mean the end of a relationship or that a person fall out of love with their partner.
Odd that both of our relationship started at the same time 8 years ago and having the same trouble now. I hope both of our relationships can withstand this turn they have taken.
I hope that someone who has been in a longer relationship can tell us of their experience.
I like to hear success stories and I hope that cat you and I will be a success story too.
I hope spy night goes well and gives you nothing to worry about. Please do not get caugt with the tape. I am thinking it is a bad idea.
I wish I was a better person. I wish I could take all the bad and wrong things I have done back. Not sure I can ever make up for them, but I will die trying and hopefully not to soon. lol.
Hugs,
Laurie
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
Sun, 08-14-2005 - 1:06pm
LOL! I bet they are nony's hand prints. I wouldn't let it go to waste like that LOL.
Hugs,
Laurie
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Avatar for nursepam2000
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Sun, 08-14-2005 - 1:35pm

ROFLMAO!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
Sun, 08-14-2005 - 4:41pm
Lol!
Sometimes I need to slow 'em down a bit, lol.
Hugs,
Laurie
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2004
Sun, 08-14-2005 - 7:53pm

Sending out seriously good and positive thoughts your way...


I've been through the long term relationship thing, but don't think I'm any kind of expert on the topic, hell on anything else, too. I have to concentrate on keeping my own life on a good course.

What's the use in regrets
They're just thing we haven't done yet
What are regrets?
They're just lessons we haven't learned yet


Pass In Time ~ Beth Orton

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2005
Sun, 08-14-2005 - 8:43pm

Hi Laurie,


I was sorry to read about your difficulties.

Carol,  In love with the most beautiful woman in the world.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
Sun, 08-14-2005 - 11:18pm
Hi Kacey,
Yes, it is in my head that she is thinking I am fat and lazy. She has never implied that. It is just that she has had so many excuses when I ask her why we do not make love anymore.
Sometimes it is "stress" from work, sometimes it is "depression", "no libido", etc. I have always asked her if it is my weight? She always said "No".
Finally she admitted, she is not physically attracted to my extra weight gain.
Along with my weight gain came my insecurities which made me suspicous of her cheating on me. (She wasn't.)
Also I have been so sick and exhausted, I am just not the same.
We are relieved to find that it is a medical condition and that we probably have an answer that can be corrected.
I used to be active but not since I have been sick and gaining weight.
I feel ugly because of my weight gain. I can't wear my clothes etc.
And it has been frustrating not being able to lose the weight. I need to lose for my health as I am a diabetic.
Sheila has never stopped loving me, that I know. I can understand that some people have a certain attraction to a certain physical type.
As far as counseling we have been to my counselor a couple of times. She will see both of us when we want.
I just do not want to force anyone to feel like they have to have sex with me, ewwwe. I plan to get back in shape after I get the proper treatment that I need.
I do hope things can return to normal, I will have to wait and see if she will be attracted physically to me again. We just have to see about that.
Hugs,
Laurie
Check out my new blog.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
Mon, 08-15-2005 - 12:05am
Thanks nelle,
We are doing well. All other things are good with us. We do have an understanding for now and it works for us.
Hugs,
Laurie
Check out my new blog.
co-cl of Lesbian Life Message Board
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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2005
Mon, 08-15-2005 - 6:54pm

Laurie,


Thank you for reading my post with an open heart and mind, and not with bitterness.

Carol,  In love with the most beautiful woman in the world.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
Mon, 08-15-2005 - 9:04pm
No bitterness here Kacey. If I put it out here it is to here all sides.
I do need your number again because I lost alot of stuff on my old computer.
Hugs,
Laurie
Check out my new blog.
co-cl of Lesbian Life Message Board
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
Mon, 08-15-2005 - 11:57pm
Hi, I'm new, *hugs* It must be a relief to have some answers and now you have something to work on :) I just had a tumor scare myself, luckily mine was never there, but the whole time I thought I had one, EVERYONE said to me 'most tumors are benign, don't worry' *hoping* everything's ok for you!! ~Amy